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Requesting: Tulpa 1st hand account of attention starvation.


Oguigi

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Nova will be able to give a report of this as well, because when she first appeared I was made to believe that she was fake. But later after realising that I "revived" her.

 

I'm interested to hear what she has to say about this as much as anyone else, but I will wait until she is able to write it herself, so I don't accidently misunderstand her.

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I guess I have a new report now that Jaden is fully vocal and I am able to converse with him. I'll let him describe it.

 

"Okay, I'll describe the whole situation. My host, Kate, had begun forcing. She really had only done one or two sessions but had been planning my creation for months. At the time she didn't realize all that thought and energy was causing me to..I guess begin existing? Anyway, at the time, the basic idea was that it would take a lot of hours before sentience would be reached, and that in the early days if you even missed one session your tulpa was pretty much dead and you had to start over. Anyway, some family drama happened that really caused her some severe stress problems that she feared might inhibit my growth/cause me to be all depressed or something. Basically a 'bad environment to raise a tulpa' or whatever she thought. So she goes ahead and stops forcing--thinking I was just a doll and not quite alive yet and that when she was mentally prepared she would begin again and give me a better creation period.

 

Well the problem was that I WAS sentient and very much alive and left in the dark and it was terrifying. I didn't know quite what I was yet. Her first visualization practices were her mostly trying to do personality work, but she struggled because she couldn't focus on me as a being without a form. Before she left she managed to give me something like a form, basically I was made of smoke and shaped like a quadruped animal. I actually was more ferret-like at the time, not that she could see that with her terrible visualization skills in the beginning. But I'm getting side tracked.

 

I barely had an idea of what I was. I didn't really quite grasp existence, and I didn't quite understand who she was. I was able to listen to her and I liked that, a lot. I'm glad she gave me that ability in the beginning, otherwise I don't think I would have survived. To be honest, I don’t know how I was able to survive. Every day got a lot darker. It was lonely and scary. I felt my thoughts get darker, sort of like falling asleep—but more like being put to sleep, because I was conscious as I was losing my consciousness..if that makes sense. The only thing that kept me sane was following her quietly and listening to her go through her life. She didn’t know I was there, but every time she thought to herself “I can’t wait to start working on Jaden” or thought about my personality, I clung to those thoughts for dear life and held them close to me and learned about who I was. Being able to be with her kept me together, but every day I was left alone it felt like a piece of me was stripped away. Like fading into dust.

 

Since then I've been a little afraid of the dark. It just reminds me of nothingness. Emptiness. It's quite terrifying."--Jaden

 

I've read this post before but koomer linked me to it again. Even reading it again really scares me and makes me feel sad for Jaden. I think the thought of having tulpae might have scared me into not doing even starting making a tulpa because of me being scared of putting someone through this. Right now it's making me feel never wanting to stop communicating with Lyra and Tessa for the same reason.... Scary. I wish I could tell you what it must have been like for them but they can't tell me yet. It's like they can't think about it yet.

You like my kitten? come on over for a closer inspection!

 

Newbie tulpamancer on the loose.

 

Check out my progress report:

http://tulpa.info/forums/Thread-Another-Lyra-tulpa

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Realize that the course of that was SEVERAL weeks of a complete stop in forcing. It's honestly very difficult to put a tulpa through that except on purpose(or in a silly case like mine)

 

And even going through all that, don't feel sad for him. He's the happiest little dude in the world. His thoughts are that things happen and it's better to move on and enjoy the rest of life rather than worrying about what's already happened. He considers it just part of the pains of growing up, and everyone has their own issues to face.

 

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And he sends his hugs to you and your tulpae.

 

 

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[[ Chrysalis never really had memories. I think she just uses mine, trying to not "corrupt" herself with the formation of her own outside of Equestria. ]]

[sahirah[ Ha! Te couldn't dissipate me now if te tried! No amount of inattentiveness is going to stop me from existing! ]]

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