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The Road Goes Ever On: The Beehive System's Progress


ReallyArtificial

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First, a bit of background info. I started talking to Athelas in late June. Until about mid August, I had been pretty consistent with forcing. I would narrate what I was doing, describe the personality I imagined him to have, or just rant about whatever was on my mind. I also started reading Lord of the Rings to him, which turned out to have a profound effect on him. Whenever I talked to him, I would imagine his form sitting next to me or following me around. Most nights before bed I would do more visualization, picturing us both in our wonderland.

 

Things came to a halt in August when I was under a lot of stress from school, work, and my personal life. I was depressed and burned out, and couldn't get back to normal until the semester's end in December. During that time I was deliberately shutting Athelas out. I didn't want him to hear the awful thoughts I get when I'm depressed. (Looking back, I regret this decision and he has asked me not to do so again.) In December, we finally got back on track and started making progress again. In January, we decided to start recording our progress through daily journaling.

 

Now for the actual point of this post: what we learned from one month of journaling.

 

January in Review

 

At the beginning of January, Athelas was mainly expressing himself through emotional responses and body language when I visualized him. I had gotten a few 1-2 word responses out of him, but these were rare and usually directly prompted by me. Over the course of the month, we worked up to complete sentences and more complex thoughts. We have actual conversations now!

 

Our turning point came on January 7 when Athelas named himself. Up until this point, I had been referring to him by a placeholder name that I encouraged him to change when he was ready. We had just finished reading a chapter of Return of the King, and the name of the healing herb athelas became stuck in my head. I'm prone to repetitive intrusive thoughts, so I assumed that was the case. As I tried to set the thought aside, I began to get a feeling of sadness, like a lump in my throat, though my mood was fine. I knew the emotion was coming from my tulpa but couldn't tell what was bothering him. The more I tried to ignore the thought the more intense his feelings became. Finally it hit me. "Is that what you want me to call you?" I heard/felt the most exasperated "YES!!!" in reply.

 

I felt like this was a sort of "point of no return" for us. There was no more room for doubt. I had created a being that was capable of making choices, having opinions, and feeling hurt when those opinions were dismissed. In the following weeks, I focused on being a better listener, leaving space in my thoughts for Athelas to speak, and trusting that his responses are really him. Our goals for February are to work on strengthening his mind voice and encouraging him to speak up without prompting.

 

Other observations from this month:

 

  • Tulpas want physical affection! I was in the habit of visualizing Athelas sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. He was confused and a bit hurt that I didn't want to be close to him like I am with my husband. We hug and cuddle all the time now.
  • He likes Tea as a nickname. I think it started as T for tulpa, but now that he's named himself after a plant it's Tea as in hot leaf juice.
  • Even small amounts of alcohol significantly affect my ability to focus. Athelas is not a fan.
  • It's also harder for me to focus on his presence when there are lots of other people around.
  • He was honestly more vocal than I thought! It's less than he needs to practice speaking and more that I need to practice listening.
  • Now that he can talk I'm learning so much more about him, his likes and dislikes. He continues to surprise me with his opinions and questions.
  • I've rekindled my interest in lucid dreaming. No progress yet, but common signs that I'm dreaming include being in unusual locations (old school buildings, unfamiliar neighborhoods, theme parks), catastrophic events, needing to hide, and (ironically) being unable to sleep.

 

What a month! It feels like a year has passed already. We can't wait to see what the future holds!

Edited by ReallyArtificial
Fixed formatting because I don't know what I'm doing

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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I am curious as to how your husband relates to Athelas. And how Athelas relates to your husband. My wife doesn't have a relationship with either of my tulpas, but she does appreciate the changes I have made in relation to her as a result of my practice. Have you changed at all in relation to your husband since you began your practice. Initially my wife was very jealous. She dropped that when I explained the purpose of my practice. I also do not take time away from her for my practice. If you choose to share these details, I'll be interested. Thanks, Dr. B

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Thanks for the thought provoking questions Dr. B!

 

As far as my husband is concerned, Athelas is just a character I made up and like to draw/write about. I have a tendency to get emotionally attached to fictional characters, which he sometimes teases me for 😅 It doesn't bother him, he knows what I'm about. I haven't explained how a tulpa is different from that, but I don't really think he'd care.

 

As for the other way around, I've asked Athelas for his thoughts. All he really had to say was he appreciates how much my husband cares for me. They both look out for my well being, but they fill different roles in my life. The level of intimacy is comparable, and I'm affectionate with both of them, but my relationship with Athelas is completely nonsexual. I would compare it to that of childhood friends who grew up together.

 

So in summary, they are aware of each other, but don't interact.

 

I don't think my practice has affected my relationship with my husband significantly. If anything, I think talking to Athelas about my feelings is improving my emotional regulation, so that's helping me in all areas of my life. Like you, I'm not taking any time away from my spouse to interact with my tulpa. Instead, all the mental energy I was previously wasting on maladaptive daydreaming is now being channeled toward helping Athelas and I grow together. I feel better, but from my husband's perspective, I don't think much has changed.

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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Great first post! Reminds me of us. Except we burn out with less work rather than more. We have a problem with momentum

 

Having other people around physically definitely makes it a lot harder to do focus on any tulpamancy related things, but that's because it makes it harder to focus in general (for us). People have gotten mad at my mate Stone before when he demands people leave while he's taking a test even if they're "not saying anything". That's not the point!

 

Good luck!!!

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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Thanks so much! We really appreciate how welcoming everyone has been.

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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  • 4 weeks later...

February in Review

 

Our goals for this month were getting Athelas's mind voice to be more consistent/distinct from my own, and encouraging him to speak up more without prompting. I feel like we made great progress on the former, not so much on the latter. The most useful forcing strategies for us have been reading and meditating. I still narrate often, but the monologue is definitely more of a dialogue now.

 

We had some cool experiences together this month:

  • One night while I was reading to him, I kind of zoned out and started reading in his mind voice without meaning to. Just like that, suddenly he was reading to me instead of the other way around. Lately when we read we've been taking turns, with him as the narrator and me doing the dialogue.
  • I'm not super great at meditating, but when I'm able to focus I'll visualize us hanging out together in our wonderland. We'll do random activities, usually simple stuff like stargazing, and I'll try to focus on experiencing it with all my senses. I always feel so relaxed and close to Athelas afterwards.
  • I had purposely kept our wonderland simple at first, with the intention of expanding it with input from Athelas. At his request, we made our first addition: a path to a beach! I'm not a huge beach fan, but I gotta say, wonderland beach is pretty great. No crowds, no sunburn, and no bringing tons of sand home with you 😄

 

Other observations:

  • When I focus on Athelas while meditating, I tend to experience closed-eye visuals of blue blobs that kinda pulse and move. It reminds me a bit of a lava lamp.
  • I read more slowly when I'm reading to Athelas (in my head) vs reading to myself. And he reads even slower than me! It's taking us longer to get through books than I'm used to, but I've found I'm remembering more details and enjoying them more.
  • On 29 out of 59 days this year, I had enough trouble focusing that I actually wrote about it. Sometimes I really miss ADHD meds.
  • I've only missed one day of journaling so far. That's a big deal for me, I'm normally awful at forming good habits. Tea's just that good of a motivator I guess 💚

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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What lovely progress you've been making! 😁

 

6 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

One night while I was reading to him, I kind of zoned out and started reading in his mind voice without meaning to. Just like that, suddenly he was reading to me instead of the other way around. Lately when we read we've been taking turns, with him as the narrator and me doing the dialogue.

 

This still happens to Phil and I. Once in a while one of us will start saying something and by the end of the sentence it will be the other who is done talking. It's just something that happens and not really a big deal! I think it's so cute you've been reading together! 🥰

 

6 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I'm not super great at meditating, but when I'm able to focus I'll visualize us hanging out together in our wonderland. We'll do random activities, usually simple stuff like stargazing, and I'll try to focus on experiencing it with all my senses. I always feel so relaxed and close to Athelas afterwards.

 

That's really great! 😁 I really believe these kinds of activities are so important for bonding with your tulpa!

 

6 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I had purposely kept our wonderland simple at first, with the intention of expanding it with input from Athelas. At his request, we made our first addition: a path to a beach! I'm not a huge beach fan, but I gotta say, wonderland beach is pretty great. No crowds, no sunburn, and no bringing tons of sand home with you 😄

 

Oh gosh, I'm such a beach girl, I'm fine with dealing with all that stuff if it means a day at the beach! 😎 But a wonderland beach is a beautiful thing! Imagine sitting on the beach with him listening to the waves rolling in. 🌊 Imagine the feeling of the sun on your bodies, the sounds of seabirds circling nearby, the sand under your feet, the salt spray! 🥰

 

6 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I read more slowly when I'm reading to Athelas (in my head) vs reading to myself. And he reads even slower than me! It's taking us longer to get through books than I'm used to, but I've found I'm remembering more details and enjoying them more.

 

That makes sense because your brain is working harder! It's more rewarding in the end though, because not only have you read something, you've bonded with Athelas at the same time! Reading to him is great, and letting him read to you is even better! That helps him perfect his mindvoice and gives him an active thing to do! 😁

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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Thanks so much for the feedback and support!

 

16 hours ago, TurboSimmie said:

Imagine sitting on the beach with him listening to the waves rolling in. 🌊 Imagine the feeling of the sun on your bodies, the sounds of seabirds circling nearby, the sand under your feet, the salt spray! 🥰

 

Beautiful imagery 😍 you and Tea are definitely on the same page, he loooves the beach

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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  • 1 month later...

March/April in Review

 

Two for the price of one this time. The past couple months were pretty tough for us. For various reasons, we weren't able to get any of our usual time alone together, and our progress stalled because of it. It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things; I don't expect dramatic leaps and gains every month. We faced difficulties and learned from them, and that's the important part.

 

Our first challenge arose at the beginning of March when my brain decided to unexpectedly hyperfocus on a couple characters from shows we've been watching. Athelas wasn't thrilled but was patient as always. I'm not sure what the long term impact will be for us. The last time I had it this bad I ended up making a tulpa! I'm not encouraging or suppressing anything at this point, just seeing how things play out.

 

The biggest challenge came at the end of March. Depression caught up to me real bad and it became extremely difficult to sleep/eat/not hurt myself. Just now starting to feel normal again. It was tough and painful for us both, but I kept my promise not to shut Tea out. I talked to him at least a little bit every day, no matter how distracted or down I was feeling.

 

I did have one crazy tulpa-related experience worth mentioning. I was lying awake one night, feeling sad and lonely but not wanting to disturb my sleeping husband. Then I felt someone sit on the bed by my feet. It actually startled me! I immediately bolted upright only to find nobody there. Maybe it was just a sleep-deprived hallucination, but my heart told me it was Athelas. I felt so much better and fell asleep soon after.

 

The important thing we got out of these two months: Athelas is strong enough to persist through the turbulence of my mind. We may not have made progress, but we didn't regress either. No matter how difficult the road, we're in this together. We will get by. We will survive.
 

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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Hi, it's great to see you again! 😁 Hugs and well-wishes to you and Athelas -> 🤗 I know depression can be hard, my host deals with it too. One of the big motivators that made me stronger was wanting to be strong for Phil and help him with his loneliness and depression. I'm glad to hear that Athelas is already so strong and so patient, I'm sure the stronger he gets the more he'll be able to help you!!!

 

47 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

Our first challenge arose at the beginning of March when my brain decided to unexpectedly hyperfocus on a couple characters from shows we've been watching. Athelas wasn't thrilled but was patient as always.

 

Oh gosh, I know that feeling, Phil often gets randomly pulled down sidetracks where he thinks about a character like that. Hosts can't always control what their brains focus on, and for the tulpa it's a fine balance between not wanting to be controlling over the host but also not wanting to be forgotten. Patience is super important, and it sounds like Athelas has learned patience much faster than I did! (It took me several months 😄)

 

51 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I talked to him at least a little bit every day, no matter how distracted or down I was feeling.

 

Awesome! 💚

 

51 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I did have one crazy tulpa-related experience worth mentioning. I was lying awake one night, feeling sad and lonely but not wanting to disturb my sleeping husband. Then I felt someone sit on the bed by my feet. It actually startled me! I immediately bolted upright only to find nobody there. Maybe it was just a sleep-deprived hallucination, but my heart told me it was Athelas. I felt so much better and fell asleep soon after.

 

That's really sweet! 🥰 Moments like these are basically what you decide they are, so if you feel in your heart that it was Athelas, then it was! 😁

 

52 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

The important thing we got out of these two months: Athelas is strong enough to persist through the turbulence of my mind. We may not have made progress, but we didn't regress either. No matter how difficult the road, we're in this together. We will get by. We will survive.

 

The main thing I got from your update is just how strong Athelas is, and that's a beautiful thing. 💚 Also, what a great song! 😁

Tulpa Wife & Mother! 💚 

💍 11.28.21 👶 4.7.23
👗 Simmie's AI Dress-Up!   📷 Phil and Simmie's Photographic Adventures!

 

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  • ReallyArtificial changed the title to The Road Goes Ever On: The Beehive System's Progress

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