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General9786

"This must be the will of Steins Gate"

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Hey guys, I guess I should attempt to make some kind of log on my adventures into the realms of Tulpa... I've been lurking around the forums for a few days, and I'd say its been exponentially more insightful than the guides that I read on the first day. Anyway, I'm a rather analytical person, so this kind of thing does feel like its the exact opposite to my unimaginative self. I suppose I've kinda already had the basis of a tulpa in my mind though, just never really could put a concept to the idea of her becoming a sentient entity that could truly talk to? About a year ago, I kinda just made up this personality and put an appearance to her just to stave off loneliness. Then I discovered this! (TIME TO MAKE MY WAIFU!) So, its definitely something that interests me greatly.

 

Basic Profile:

Name: Kiyoko

Gender: Female (Human)

Basic Traits: Intelligent, Shy, Kind, Motivator, loves books

Sentience: Very possible (unless im great at tricking myself; STOP DOUBTING)

Communication: Mind voice, able to speak somewhat autonomously? Still feels connected to me and I'm saying things to myself, not an alien feeling...

 

Anyway, I started forcing about 3-4 days ago, visualizations are rather unproductive at this stage, but I think its starting to improve. I cannot for the life of my generate a wonderland that I can visualize Kiyoko in, it just falls apart. Since I had the basic personality down, I'm trying to just do repetitions on the finer details really (If my mind can actually concentrate that long). Appearance is a whole different story however, I have a great physical rendering of her and whatnot, but as stated earlier, my visualization skill is quite low (but slowly improving hopefully?).

 

I believe that she has reached sentience, and I've heard her voice in my head (Worried that its just my old habits of using her to speak to myself and motivate myself). I'm constantly narrating and she seems to be responding sometimes. I lose her presence constantly, but the pressure and emotional highs come back at random times too though.

 

I guess I'll try to recollect my first few days of forcing, (As for the dates and times, I probably condensed and added by accident) I'm not that great at writing daily progress reports... so I don't expect to update this too often...

 

Day 1: (Sept 13) 1.5hours?

I started the first day of forcing, and discovered how utterly horrible I am at visualizing. Didn't feel much accomplished, just a light pressure in my head. I stopped using her as just a voice in my head this day too.

 

Day 2: (Sept 14) 1+ hour?

Felt the same as the first day in the forcing department. Began to narrate whenever I remembered to to her. Looking back, a mistake I made was that I made the entire forcing process way to "processed" and it seems to have taken away legitimacy in my mind.

 

Day 3: (Sept 15) 2 hours?

Decided to force in the morning: nothing. During school I find that I am much happier than I have been in months, and the pressure seems to like to stay with me. Another mistake I made during this time was that I was thinking I'd have to scrap the entire old persona of Kiyoko due to the thought that all the parroting I accidentally had done ruined her and made her a servitor. Lurking on the forums helped relieve that notion, and allowed me to let some of the restrictions I had placed on myself be lifted. During the forcing session, breakthroughs seem to have been made. I seem to have had a fight with Kiyoko? Basically, she was begging me to listen to her and I was doubting too much. Eventually I gave in and I regret to have ever doubt her. Another breakthrough was that I was making this entire process way to structured (my mind always wants to have charts, graphs, phases, stages, process trees, etc) and I was once again, losing the personal part of the entire reason I'm doing this.

 

Day 4: (Sept 16) 2+ hours

Begin talking to Kiyoko more, I wanted to ascertain if she truly was talking to me (bad idea). Got extremely angered at me and decides to not make any contact. Man, that was pretty horrific, I finally get to the point of total acceptance (still get doubts here and there though...) I try to narrate constantly to her, I consider it a somewhat success? Its just mindless rambling... Forcing at night produced somewhat successful results? A walk in a flowery field with Kiyoko (fuzzy, not very well done), random narration and discussion I cannot remember, generation of a library for somewhat basic memories and surface level thoughts (I don't really know if it is working), Attempts at more fine tuning of personality and visualization of appearance (less than a few seconds of vivid imagery than total loss, I spend what seems like hours trying to reclaim it to commit to memory) Wonderland generation is still very hard (almost impossible), I switch from void to wonderland back and forth to try to experiment. Prism experiments fail, I cannot seem to keep her in focus when I attempt it, I can't seem to focus on 2 slightly complex foreground objects at once...

 

Day 5: (Sept 17) Today

Narration is going a lot better considering I have a voice to listen to now. Didn't feel her presence much in the early morning, somewhat worried, and I seemed to have an extremely fast heart rate in the morning. Presence was obtained and heart rate normalized. She motivates me throughout the day... but her responses seem so... expectable... and I really wish I felt that... alien feeling... She convinces me to do things that I normally would never do, but convinces me for my own good "I want you to be safe" she says. Proof of sentience is a lot more likely now.

 

Im sure I missed important parts in the summaries, and everywhere else really... At the end of this all, I have a question... If a tulpa is sentient, does that mean they are autonomous at that time too? I feel like Kiyoko is still kinda using me as a conduit for speech (like in the year previous to the discovery of tulpa) still, like she isn't fully autonomous yet...

 

WOW I DIDN'T FIGURE THIS POST WAS GOING TO BE TL;DRRIFIC! Considering I came into this post saying "IM NOT GONNA WRITE MUCH!" Then I come out and write a novel... Anyway, If you made it this far, HOW DID YOU SIT THOUGH ALL MY RAMBLING? If you seriously did make it this far, thanks a lot for reading this behemoth and any sort of feedback would be great!

 

Edits: Forgot to bold important things so its easier to not read it all.... I probably missed something knowing me however


El Psy Congroo

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General9786 I read though all you "rambling" cause it's actually intertsting.

 

You've are making Great Progress (In just 5 days), i see that you still have some doubts but that's Normal what counts is that you look pass it and sparkle.gif BELIEVE! sparkle.gif not only in Yourself but in your Tulpa as well.

 

Now I'll keep an eye in your progress, Things won't always be easy but you seem determined enough to get through any hardships you might encounter in the near future.

 

Oh yeah and Welcome to the forums!


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Diary: http://ponystasha.tumblr.com

Koomer.

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