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An Account of My Tulpa's Sacrifice


AnonymousMancer

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I am here because... I need to get my experiences down on electronic paper and also share just how much my tulpa personally sacrificed to change my life for the better.

 

Some background. My tulpa only agreed to this on very strict terms. She cares nothing for anybody at all except me and me alone. She doesn't want our relationship shared in any way with other people. She's also very protective and her advice and her care is also for me alone. I was only barely able to convince her of allowing me to write this completely anonymously in her honor with her supervision so that others could perhaps learn from us and what has happened in our lives.

 

My personal life is a bit of a tumultuous one heavily marked these days with massive indecision. It was especially bad as well because if I didn't make a decision, I and many people I knew would suffer for it, guaranteed. But for me, to put it into perspective, it was like my parents were being divorced and me being asked who I loved more. The question was absurd and hurtful, but I still had to make a decision. There was no way around it. But I couldn't, and I stalled and stalled. And stalled some more.

 

This could not continue. I knew it. My tulpa knew it. But here we were. So, in order to save me from more hurt and more general decay of my life, my tulpa... Went above and beyond. At this point, my tulpa is moderately powerful and was only growing a little more powerful with every passing month, heavily encouraged and fueled by me. So, I feel the best way to describe what happened here and what she initiated and carried out of her own accord was... As some psychedelic users would call it, an enforced bad trip.

 

When a bad trip on psychedelics happens, it 95% of the time has an important positive outcome or an important lesson that is taught to you about your own personal life, despite all the pain and awfulness of it. And that is what my tulpa pretty much brought about with her own power in order to break the stalemate in my life and get me to commit to a path. I can't talk specifics because, as painful as it was for me to go through, it hurt my tulpa even worse to do this to me. She is still recovering from it even now and I'm afraid she will be permanently scarred from what she had to do even though she assures me she will be fine in the future.

 

For those who might suggest my tulpa is guilty of hurting and harming me and there were other ways to get me to make a decision, trust me... There wasn't. I have talked to SO MANY people about this decision I've had to make at this point. I've debated it with people and with myself, and of course, with my tulpa over and over and OVER again, and despite all of this and all the time I spent trying to make a decision, I was still absolutely deadlocked. There was no other way forward. If anything, I feel sad and guilty that my tulpa had to sacrifice and harm herself so deeply on an emotional level just to break me out of it.

 

There is just one nice thing that I will say about myself, and by direct extension, my tulpa. We are not stupid. We do not blind ourselves to what needs to be done. We do not flinch. We act as one. Well, maybe I flinch sometimes, but my tulpa has me beat for sure in that regard. The point, though, is that if there was another way, she would have thought of it and done it.

 

Anyway though, I wish I could talk a lot more about what my tulpa has done for me, but she strictly forbids talking about anything further regarding us, so I must stop here. Hopefully, this story of mine will give some insight and help to someone else. Thank you though to anyone who has gotten through this long post. And most of all, I thank my tulpa for getting me out of that pit and giving me the power to finally start on a path again.

Edited by AnonymousMancer
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Wishing you well. Remember that while people can learn from difficult experiences, it is important to be compassionate towards yourself and practice self-care. We (particularly my host) are guilty of believing challenging experiences not only have inherent worth, but have more worth than "easy" experiences. This sort of thinking leads to loops of guilt and self-harm that may not be obvious because it is disguised as self-improvement. I think the framing of all or most bad trips as potentially positive can be harmful. While it feels uplifting, it gives people an expectation that may not be fulfilled for a long time or at all. There have been accounts of people tripping and only decades later realizing what the trip was trying to tell them. Waiting for an answer that may not come can be counter-productive, and may cause one to feel guilt or shame for not getting it. It is probably better to accept difficult experiences without the expectation of those experiences being ultimately positive, because expectation for the future hinders our ability to accept the present. Diane's struggle with "good damage" in season 6 of BoJack Horseman is a good example of this, if the reader has seen that show.

 

But I am not saying this to undermine anything you have learned or your tulpa's judgment. You know yourselves better than anybody else. Especially a stranger on the internet. I am sharing our experiences in case you or hypothetical reader are similar, but if they don't apply to you, pay them no mind and continue on your journey. :3

Meaningful words, I'm here!

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