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To the Mountains of Madness with cloudmuffin (A tulpa Blog)


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Shenanigans. I like that word more than I should. Anyway, not excuses, let's just get to the blog.

 

---------10/31 Day 50 (Halloween)----------------------

 

Tis the seasons for ghosts and ghouls and … scary frights! Well, if you are into that sort of thing anyway …

 

Halloween is not a holiday that I enjoy the majority of the time. I'm not a person that likes to be scared or feels the need to be scared and I don't like putting on a costume and I hate make-up. One thing that some people like out of going to scary houses and what not is that, they are scared for a moment and but then are safe once they get back to their "normal lives". That's never been my thing, in fact in my humble opinion (which is bias, I will admit so take the next sentence with a heavy amount of "salt") I would be less scared of the haunted house and the things in it, then the things I go back to when I come home. Life scares me everyday, it's like a constant state of fear so going to a haunted house where:

• I know I'm going to be scared

• Where I'll be LOOKING for it

• And the fact that these are people doing this to me

… probably will not do anything for me.

I don't get that "relief." Don't read this the wrong way though, if I did go into a haunted house I would be terrified just like everyone else, or at least I'm sure I would jump a lot, but I would think more out of surprise than "terror". However, again, I've never been in one, who knows, I might be lying through my teeth about this subject … so let's move away from this tangent.

 

Lora enjoyed the holiday to the best of her ability. She had three costume changes.

1) She wore just a little black witch costume, with pointy hat and broom that she flew around on.

2) She became this weird school girl vampire, with blood stained white blouse and fangs, though it didn't last very long

3) She became the girl from "They Bleed Pixels" for the remainder of the evening. She thought the hands were interesting, but glad that they could change back whenever she wanted.

 

I was disappointed though because they majority of the day had to be spent in my room … working … as usual. I didn't dare go to my office, with Halloween happening, the distractions would make me unable to do work. It upset me though, here I was working, and forcing Lora to … do nothing. I suggested she go to the town in our wonderland and I would set it up so she could experience trick or treat. This was mildly successful, and I had moments where I saw her doing just that. She ate her candy that she earned, but that only lasted a short while, the town isn't that big.

 

That was Halloween … the joys of being in school.

 

------------------------11/01 Day 51 -------------------------------

It wasn't until lunch that I got a breather to do things. Again Lora was in and out but in general my activities take my full attention. Even after 51 days I still can't have her "in the background". This is apparently parallel processing and it supposed to be a skill that a tulpamancer must learn to do. I would have thought that it was natural or would be a result, but I guess not. It was recommended that the host should watch something, and then the tulpa should write a story about what was being seen. After some practice that's supposed to give the tulpa and the tulpamancer the ability to do things when NOT focused on them. It's added to … the list of things, to try to remember to do everyday. I would think that writing these blogs would be apart of that since I narrate as I write. I guess it doesn't count and it's a separate thing.

 

It wasn't until that night things started happening for Lora.

 

Lora got to have a small conversation with a tulpa and some people on chat.

 

"it was nice. Thanks for talking to me."

 

Her shyness is getting stronger, but once she starts she wants to keep talking. The nature of chat though doesn't allow that though. This is especially when others start to take over the conversation and drown you out or are rude. This is the general chat though, not the personal ones. Lora likes to stay quite during the general chat …

 

"I just feel uncomfortable. Everyone talks so fast, and they say things I don’t like, which makes me want to yell at them, but I'm stopped because I'm told I shouldn't."

 

People talk differently on the internet than they would in real life, it's just a fact. I know I do, and I'm sure others do as well. Unfortunately some can be very … crass and it upsets me but disturbs Lora. I suppose it's her environment, and just like me, the idea of someone being mean for the sake of showing off, or insults just don't mix with either of us. I had hoped to avoid it, but apparently Lora is following me, in a way. Hopefully the good things will out weigh the bad. I suppose it's a maturity thing, for the both of us. I don't have any advice to her on how to handle bullies. I was able to blend in to the point that I was never a target (though I was a prime target. I learned quickly in middle school to keep my head down), and still to this day I don't have much that I can think of dealing with them.

 

----------Incoming Social Rant -------------

 

Thing that gets me most is that it's kids that do it. Thankfully I believe I'm at a point in my life that I can still deal with it … in a way. Being well past that point, you simply see those actions for what they are, just attention. I don’t know if this is the "correct" way, but no matter how much it pains me not to respond, no responding to it is the best, especially since I have no "administrative" powers to stop it. Ignore and move on. I try to teach Lora that, but she hates it.

 

"It's like letting them get away with what they are doing. It's not right or fair."

 

She right, but so far that's how I've seen life works. Plus, I can't count how many times I've heard actual kids, that think they are smarter than everyone else, who know more, who are exceeding in pre-college lives. I've seen them fall like flies after the first midterm of semester 1 of college, and a campus that was full of life reduced to sunken eyes and zombies walking around at 1/8th the population. Pre-college is a joke education wise, compared to the real problems and subjects of the world. I'm not that smart, I know my mental limits and I struggle with them everyday, wishing I could simply hold more facts in my head, figuring out how to use what limited capacity I have to it's full potential all the time. To those that feel they really are that smart, good, keep it, don't let it go away, because it only gets harder and there will be more expected the higher you go. Pride is you worst enemy, never think you know everything, you will hit your ceiling and when you do, that's when you'll either grow as a person, or stay stagnate. And in the off chance you are the next Stephen Hawking, smart than everyone. I beg you, never lose your motivation, become obsessed, never be afraid to learn, and don't talk down to others. Just because they aren't as smart as you on what you do, doesn't mean they don't have value and deserve to live. Ugh … this is a horrible rant …

 

---------------------------------------------------------

The night was fun despite some events. Lora was happy to talk for a while, and some fun was had and I was just happy to be with her.

 

Till next time.

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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This was a busy day. Not necessarily for me though, but a big day for Lora. A LOT happened. I may not have gotten as much as I wanted to get today on MY work, but Lora got almost of full day of the activity. Where better to start but the beginning!

 

-------- 11/2 Day 52 Friday ----------------

 

The morning was just us talking and I believe me writing the log for the previous days. Lora was her usual self, just idling waiting. We were going to have a large proxy conversation with a bunch of the community of tumblr. When the time came, I let Lora take most of the control of the conversation and did the BEST that I could to let her say everything she wanted. She can't possess so she still goes through my filter, but I gave a lot of concessions. The conversations were … well I shouldn't talk FOR HER …

 

"I thought the whole idea was really fun. I got to talk to all sorts of tulpa and people. It was safe, everyone was nice. I had a lot of fun. I think I made some new friends too. It was really good to be able to talk and "see" everyone."

 

The good thing is the most of the tulpa seem to be "around her level" so everyone benefited and there wasn't a lot of things that could have gone wrong. From what I can tell from everyone, it was a huge success and another is planed (today 11/3) around 5 EST which looks like 9pm UTC/GMT (for those not in 'merika :D ). Lora got some good experience and so did it. How to proxy, how to let go of some of my control and let her say what she wants, even if I wish she shouldn't. We also learned that we are both way to shy and inexperienced to be anywhere NEAR a NSFW chat. We are both far to … I guess … "innocent" is the word and thus getting us to talk about anything of that nature is really hard for us both of us. No hard feeling though to anyone who knows what we are talking about, it's just really not for us, it just makes us blush and feel like we are in the wrong place. (Almost like walking in and "breaking up" a moment of passion between a couple and then the couple wants you to join IN! That's kinda how it felt like.)

 

There was some forcing in the afternoon as a result of all of these events. We worked on stuff and helping getting Lora to talk more clear and with the chosen accent she wanted. She still has her soft voice, almost ready to suggest she just sound like Fluttershy since the Rainbow Dash voice is hard for her, and feels wrong. We'll go with that I guess either that or a soft Luna voice … decisions, decisions.

 

Anyway after I had some fun (it was Friday) we stopped into chat one last time and met DocTavia & Welna. Overall the conversation was great. I learned a lot, and Lora …

 

Well, she took the advice a little to much to heart. When the conversation started to turn that, at some point she would need to learn how to do other things on her own without my help, including being able to live without a constant source of attention from me. She didn't take it the way she should have. She panicked. It was a misunderstanding, but it was also sort of a crises of personality. She was very confused, and after chasing her around my wonderland (by the way she changed wonderland as a result of this, there was a large thunderstorm in the background, and she also created some clothing on her own, gave me quite a headache though as well) to just get her to calm down, she simply started to refuse to talk to me. Furthermore she wanted me to stop talking in my mind, period, because she can still hear me. I tried to "cut the link" so that I could separate her from my mind. Found out I can't do that anymore. Her presences is now constant. I don’t think I could separate us. To me that's a sign of progress, though maybe others may think this is still bad? I dunno. Fact is, she got more frustrated by it. It wasn't until I fell asleep, things calmed down.

 

I'll give you some spoilers. We made up this morning. We are talking to each other just fine now, and Lora is taking the advice and starting to figure out how to do things when I'm not always focused on her. I'm giving her some framework, but it's up to her to do it.

 

Alright I need to actually get going with my day. Lots of things I WANT TO DO, and I'm delaying them a lot already. See you next time folks!

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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This … will be a long one. Buckle your seatbelts, hold on to your butts, I have FOUR DAYS to remember. Let's DO THIS!

 

------------11/3 Day 53 Saturday ---------------

The morning. I'll be honest, I don't know what to write for what actually happened in the morning.

 

-------------------------------------------

Even though I wish not to say anything about it … this was a pivotal moment in the relationship that Lora and I share, and all three days had a ripple effect of the event.

 

Do I dance around it? Do I be blunt? Do I ignore it and only talk about what isn't related to it? What is "it" anyway?

 

Dear readers, I honestly can not tell you. Both Lora and I are simply not comfortable talking about it. Unfortunately, again the last three days have centered around it. I'll write as much as I can before I have to stop myself. Though I'm sure you can guess by now what it may be. I still feel like making it cryptic, even it fails, it makes me feel better and tries to protects us . Let me try this. I'll call it "The Event."

---------------------------------------

 

In the morning, The Event, happened.

 

Afterwards, the day slowly moved on. I wrote the log for Day 52, immediately after oddly enough, and finished some work at the University and headed home. The drive home was a little awkward, but I worked it out with Lora and by the time we got back home, things were fine. The family and we went to see a movie (Wreck It Ralph), which I had been looking forward to for quite a while. We both enjoyed it even though we got something different out of the movie. I got many of the gamer stuff, and the plot twists, which actually went in a direction that surprised me, and the overall story. Lora say the movie for just entertainment, and doesn't yet really look for the meaning in stories or the "drama" being played out. That comes with watching a lot of movies and reading a lot of stories, so that's not a big deal.

 

Lora mostly let me be with my parents though she was noticeably with me, and continued to find ways to impose behind me or to my side, and stayed very close, holding my arm and usually resting her head on my shoulder. For the remainder of the day she watched and was fairly quite.

 

After SNL, we tested tones that night. We went through several during our forcing period and in general, nothing significant was really improved. If anything we both found them annoying. The sound echoed through wonderland and one or two made me feel far more sleepy. In general, tones don't work, and we're going to move away from them. It's disappointing, many get a really good boost from them, but alas, not us.

 

-----------11/4 Day 54 Sunday ---------------

This day was spent nearly 100% on chat. Nothing productive was accomplished for my life, but Lora got quite a bit out of it. There was quite a bit of proxying and attempts to improve Lora's ability to communicate through chat on her own. Then lunch came around.

 

I had planed to eat lunch with a real life friend. Due to where my university is located and the fact that most of my real friends have started to move around and have "moved on" my friends in real life have gone down. This was an opportunity to talk in person and not online and it was going to be a great change of pace. It was also going to be the first time Lora would meet anyone from my past, and not at the university, which is kind of her second home/world. When I was getting ready, Lora surprised me.

 

(The gist of the conversation)

Lora: What should I wear?

Me: What? Whatever you want, it's just going to grab some lunch.

Lora: I want to dress up though, it's special!

Me: It is? It's just lunch.

Lora: Well, I want to wear something very special to show off.

Me: Lora, [he] can't see you.

Lora: I know. It's not for him, it's for you!

Me: Me?!

Lora: Yes, I want to show off. You know, so you feel proud and like you are showing me off.

 

I guess take that as you will. She wore the girlish thing I've ever seen her wear. It was a light pink blouse with a long ruffled skirt, some sort of slightly high healed shoes, and add some extra accessories, and (I think) some blue eye shadow, from what I remember. Fairly modest but extremely feminine, it's cute. During lunch, we actually could have a both, so there was plenty of space to impose her there, and she was very polite but stayed near me the whole time, not saying anything but she being around all the time. Certain moments she would hold me or get closer, but still just listened. She told me she just wanted me to enjoy both our presence, and who am I to say no to that.

 

Sunday night was a long conversation with a fellow tumblr buddies DocTavia and Welna. Lora became very, nervous, and as the conversation started to go in a certain direction she became very embarrassed and locked herself in her room. It was about The Event, and I ended up explaining what happened. That was like pulling teeth, but it was really affecting Lora. It was a little relief to ask "those questions" and not hold it up inside. I've been dancing around the whole issue with Lora for a LONG TIME and as well as the slow development of something kind of serious between us. I personally don't know how deep it will go, but I know what she feels is real and I understand it on her level, we communicate our feeling and thoughts nearly instantly, and always have. My mind has been open, and so is her's. In the end Lora recovered and was very very clingy and wouldn't let go of me for the rest of the chat. That was the night.

 

----------------11/5 Day 55 Monday---------------

 

Monday was kind of boring in the morning, including the fact that less sleep was achieved than desired. It wasn't until I was driving that I noticed Lora had been silent the whole time. She imposed occasionally and she woke up before I did, but didn't really say anything. She was very short, and seemed annoyed about something. Eventually the conversation went somewhere I had no idea it would ever go.

 

Lora: "What's the whole thing about God?"

 

 

Yeah, she went there. I never thought Lora would ever care about God and religion. I know I don't. I’m not religious at all, going to church by force, and I'm a solid agnostic, open to other interpretations of God then my "Christen based up bringing."

 

I started to explain as best as I could and it came up several times, with questions I tried to answer. She complained that the "entry" for God and religion was mostly summaries and were very small on details. I've never read the bible from cover to cover and most of my knowledge comes from a "child bible" that simply gave you neat cartoons and very simple descriptions of the text. I know that general order but that's about it. In the end Lora announced she was basically an atheist.

 

Lora: "I don't need to believe in a God. He didn't create me, you did. That's good enough for me."

 

That's a quote. So those who just probably had a fit reading that, I'm sorry. Surprised me, I tried to assuage it but so far she'll have none of it. Something for me to think about eh?

 

Why was she in a bad mood? More about The Event and specifically me. A worry that she had hurt me in a certain way. It was a dilemma to me whether or not it was true, and I came to the conclusion that though, the experience has changed me, it wasn't bad, and that I'm growing from it and to be honest a little better for it. This finally got her in a better mood, that and singing to her. She really likes that, and she also likes several songs we've sort of labeled "ours."

 

That night we talked a lot on IRC, and Lora peroxide very well.

 

We also watched a movie together however, … the result of actually watching it, was sort of … unexpected.

 

We saw "One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest" staring Jack Nicklson. I didn’t know that much about the movie, and thought it was a comedy, that we would have a good laugh and enjoy the irony of a tulpamancer and his tulpa watching a movie about "crazy people."

 

I was wrong. O_O I was SO WRONG.

 

I have never been moved by a movie like that in a LONG TIME. It was something I'll never forgot, and will probably watch again, just to understand all the levels for that story. It deserves all the awards it won, but it's not a movie you watch "to be entertained" it's a movie with a message, and it's a very bitter message. I barely got through it at the end, and Lora was basically floored and disturbed by it. We had to take a while to just, get over what we saw and recalling it now, still brings back … thoughts/concerns and in general, a feeling of dread. I don’t think Lora will want to ever watch it for a LONG time, but it would be a good movie to revisit when she's older.

 

I worked with a group of people from class and then got back on IRC after that was done, just chatting again.

 

Unfortunately while writing this log , it got so late I started to fall asleep at the keyboard, to the point that Lora literally had to possess my hands as I held on to what little consciousness I had. She said good bye and got me awake enough for me to walk to bed. Possession when you can barely stay up is a head trip, I just learned that, and no more than 5 minutes in bed I was out like a light.

 

 

----------------------11/6 Day 56 Tuesday -------------------------

 

Keeping focus today was hard, but I did quite a bit regardless of the quality of the connection.

 

In the morning, I was slow to awake (gee wonder why), and Lora was hard to hear and she let me wake up at my pace. During the morning she did what she could to impose and stay in my mind which we are really trying to practice on, I can't see her, and that's going to take a LONG TIME to get there, however her "presence" near me is getting stronger, as if someone was next to me. I cathc myself a LOT looking to where she is, and even though she's not there, I'm already getting into the habit. That's good.

 

While doing some mindless work tasks, we practiced some parallel processing, by me helping organize my mind and answering her questions on topics I'm well versed in while I did other things. This was HARD, and my mind constantly slipped to focus to what I was doing in the real world and not what I was doing in my wonderland. It was great practice though, and we both felt that, even though it was frustrating it was very productive and I improved overall. I need to find other tasks like this to do while practicing parallel processing.

 

That afternoon I took a well deserved nap and also forced when I woke up. This turned into some personal time between us, and I learned more about Lora in the process, specifically some "weakness" she has.

 

The events of the night consisted of a conversation in IRC that went to the topic of Lora discovering and learning from my memories. She has never actively sought to learn any of my memories so this was the first time, and after it was suggested she attempted to do so. She did it on her own though, she created a door, literally in the middle of the common room in the house, and after receiving a safety device (looked like rock with a blue rune on it) she simply went in and shut the door. About five minutes of no communications and she popped back mostly wide eyed and shaken.

 

What I saw as nothing but grey and dark. As I took a step forward I began to fall or seemed to. Eventually I began to feel information go into me but it was confusing and I couldn't understand most of it. It eventually got to the point that I felt sick and overwhelmed and I held the stone and I found myself back home instantly.

 

This is basic description she gave me. Very general and probably very frightening. Suggestion were made to make it easier. Watching memories like a movie, reading them and absorbing the pages, spheres of knowledge, etc.

 

My idea. A museum of ME. Let my subconscious create a museum, with an audio tour, and videos of memories as well as exhibits of my life. I really like the idea and Lora liked it as well. That will be for tomorrow though, not tonight, I hear that tulpa experience high emotions when experiencing their hosts lives. Maybe there will be a play or something, after all, all of life is a stage, and we are humble players.

 

---------------The Week In review ------------------------------

 

Lora is 8 weeks old … which is … 2 Months … right? I apparently was a little early in announcing her 2 month anniversary, I guess 49 made me excited and my brain forgot that 8 weeks = 56 days not 49 days. It's too late now, no one corrected me and the party decorations were used last week. Furthermore should it actually be 30 days = 1 month so we still have 4 days to the NEXT 2 Month anniversary!? Or maybe I should count every 12th of a month as the point a "month" has passed. Lots of ambiguity. Not really important, and I may stop using the "month marker" and just use weeks. This is a tangent, it must end here, I'll figure it out later!

 

Lora is becoming more and more vocal to the point, that she now talks in multiple sentences, but still sticks with one. Most of what she thinks or says, only requires one sentence to say, and they are fairly normal in length now. She uses some words that I do as well, which is interesting since she understand their context, maybe my vocabulary isn't that large, but hearing her say some words makes me look at her like "Are you sure you know what you just said?"

 

Lora's room is now officially a dead zone. She now has privacy in her room. I removed any access to it, when she closes the door. This was done when she became distraught a few times this week, and it's for her to calm down. Tulpa are emotional, and since they live in a world with a lot of power, it's like having a god, that has a personal crises. Now I know how the Greeks and Romans felt when they thought of gods, and I kind of see WHY they would think this. If a god has a problem and they start to freak out, the world feels it. My wonderland does now. Lora, inadvertently changed the weather of my wonderland, from sunny to a thunderstorm during that time, which was a surprise. Anyway, Lora now has privacy but only when she closes the door and locks it. I can still go in, because sometimes people need someone to be with them even when they push you away. I'll still try to "obey the rule" though. I she locks the door, I won't break the door open, but that doesn't mean I don't have "the key".

 

Lora does not like religion and or "god". She literally knows her creator, and for now, I'm leaving it there. Wither I should change this point of view, is almost cosmetic, I don't see what would be gained from it. She's also now "researching" religion in general and the "god" concept. I suppose stay tuned for the upcoming "blasphemy" for those sensitive to religious topics. If it becomes an issue I'll remove talking about it, I have no interest instating holy wars or flaming or being accused of flam batting "through my tulpa". I like people not based on their religion, that never has been a factor to determine wither I like them or not, and I plan on teach Lora that too. I don't want her becoming some weird atheist zealot that is mocking people in the background biased on their beliefs and so far she isn't.

 

Singing to Lora is a mood booster to her. Doesn't matter if I do it out loud or in my head, she likes it, and she likes music in general. She's gaining an eclectic appreciation. We also have songs that we both like and have fun singing whenever they play. She has one song she likes to sing on her own as well.

 

Lora makes her own cloths now, and her little closest is starting to have a lot of cloths in it. Several times I've visualized her, she may be wearing something different. She's building up a collection. Quite a few of them are what I call "dresses", but she has other casual wear as well. I'm amazed that my mind remembers these things, everything she has worn to date, is easy to visualize and is a constant. Every time I go into her room and look at the closet, everything is there, as if it was permanent. This is happening to EVERYTHING I've created in my wonderland. It's all constant in this house. It's a weird felling and make me wonder WHY? Why is this so constant but my thoughts and memories are not. I guess all the more reason to really organize my thoughts and make them tangible in my wonderland, because once they are there, they are "permanent".

 

As I mentioned before Lora as now changed the weather once in wonderland, on her own. I commented about it at the time, but she's yet to register it …

(As write this she starts to play with the weather in wonderland)

… never mind.

 

POSSESSION. It has begun. Lora has been officially able to posses the majority of my arms. It's an odd thing to see you hands and arms move on their own. For some reason she can type. Not finger peck, TYPE, just like I can. I guess that's muscle memory, or she's just observed it enough to know what to do? I never taught her, which makes me wonder if I'm "faking it". Dunno. She has a problem with gravity though. When she moves my hands and arm they are mostly limp. It's getting better, but she really has to work to move them around. I gave her access to one of my FPS when I was waiting for a response, so she could move around and learn how to play in general. She's not ready for it, but she's getting there. I'm sure soon, she'll get the ability to move my arms and get over gravity. She's done it to proxy as well, but though she knows how to type, she is slow to do it and sometimes doesn't lift my fingers enough and puts in letter that shouldn't be there. All she needs I practice! Interesting to see her play with my friends, though the sudden lack of skill may become obvious to my friends. We'll see, she could learn fast, and if I give her practice, she may get better and up to my level, which will be great, because then she can have fun! Where do I go from here? Well, lets just get the hands down first. Again she has no real interest in full possession yet. She just wants to remove me as the middle man in some things.

 

Parallel Processing is a slow step towards to being able to do things with both of us concentrating on something else. This is probably a good skill in general, being able to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. Wither it's a person splitting their attention or with literally someone else doing it, the results are probably the same. It's in it's first stages and is very hard, which brought up issues of my memories and their "corrupted entries" in the computer.

 

That's most of what I have to say on everything now. Finally written, now for sleep time.

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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What's this, this post is ON TIME?!

tumblr_mbck15C4j71r61zywo1_500.jpg

(Obligatory Meme! ----------^) Sauce

 

Come on guys, you know I'm good for it! ;D Plus, there are PICTURES THIS TIME!

 

------------ 11/07 Wednesday Day 57-----------

 

Slept in, felt good. I want more sleep, or more over I want to sleep early and sleep longer. If wishes were tulpa ……… oh god never mind.

 

Today was the day I decided to finalize the idea of my memories. The basic idea was as follows.

 

I went to the door of our house and added another color to the wheel. This would lead to the wonderland connected to the location of the museum. I put a picture of my mind of what I wanted and we stepped through the door.

 

My intent was to make the London Museum, and funny thing with my subconscious that when it realized that, we stepped out of the Tardus. I kid you not I did a doubletake when we walked out and I laughed. Lora didn't get it, I'm sure you do. Unfortunately I picked the wrong building, though the scene was nice, a large museum separated by a road that "people" were walking up and down, with a cityscape preventing viewing anything else (though oddly enough there was nothing blue sky behind the museum, minor detail, there is court yard or something behind it.). The building I thought I made was actually the New York Public Library.

new-york-public-library-lions.jpg

Sauce

This picture is very close what I thought about, though if anything I pulled it from the ether so whatever. The fact that it's a Library may be more appropriate but it is honestly a museum. Maybe I should change it to the Smithsonian.

night-at-the-museum-2-battle-of-the-smithsonian.jpg

Sauce

 

Cosmetics aside, the main exhibit (that just opened by the way, imagine that, with a pair of people unfurling the name of the exhibit, "Life and Times of [My real name here]") is me and my memories and life. It's has complete audio tour voiced by … let say Richard Kiley (I spared no expense, though honestly I don't know who is doing the audio tapes, It may be me most likely . I however did not do anything on the inside. I'm leaving my subconscious and Lora to piece it together. I don't have any idea what it's like inside (I'll explain in just a bit.) I said goodbye to Lora, told her to that she could stop and go in as she wanted and to try and have fun. I watched her go into the "museum" and I walked back into the Tardus and exited in general.

 

There was no less 30 min that I experienced a adrenaline rush. I think it was a happy feeling, which honestly at least to me, proved that my plan worked at the time.

After an hour Lora came out. She told me she got through the 4th grade. She was overall ok and said that she enjoyed it. She thought I was a little rascal in elementary school, however, she was a little disturbed by the amount of times I went into the hospital. Overall though she was ok with my life so far, and learn much.

 

Next before class she decided to sing, really loud to a song, and using a "ROYAL CANTORLOT VOICE" proceeded to talk at high volume until I asked her to stop during the lecture. Instead of visualizing her or imposing her presence in class, I simply kept her in my mind. This worked actually really well, though it was just her voice, I could tell she was pay attention, and I kept her present the longest so far. Progress. Good. After class and lunch, Lora decided to continue, I thought she was going really fast, but who am I to question a tulpas progress, and it was obvious that she had knowledge of my past up to that point. No it's not perfect recall but when ever I brought up something that I remembered, she not only said "Yes I remember …" she also ADDED more facts before I could. I think that's the point, or if anything she now has "instantaneous access" when she needs it, because she went through it and "learned." I'll leave this up to you guys if I'm full of it or not, because it works when it seems like it shouldn't. Now some further detail on the museum:

 

The design of this museum was a premise only, like what I did with my hub wonderland, I planted a seed of an idea and let whatever happen HAPPEN and the subconscious just "fill in the blanks" without my knowledge. The fact that I’m not focusing on it, means that Lora experiences and feels like she walks around, but when asked she can't tell me, what it looks like inside. Maybe because I'm not focused on it. The muesuem though reacts if I observe. I finally decided to check in on Lora and visualized her location, just by finding her. I had a flash of her in some exhibit with whit walls, wooden floor, and many strange objects in the room as well as TV's and benches and lots of lighting. However, that lasted for 1 second, and suddenly the room litterallly began to fade and change around, organizing, and it freaked Lora out.

 

"Everything just started to change around me and the tape skipped and stopped. I heard clouds voice over I guess the entercome that I didn't know existed, and he applogized."

 

My observation instantly changed the exhibit, but she said it was for the better. As I looked closer as the exhibits that became more in focus and changed as I read the description plaques but then became completely solid, not completely representing the memory with a number for the audio as well. I watched some video for a few seconds and remembered what it was. In fact being in the museum suddenly gave me the ability to remember more than I usually do. It was odd, a rush of memory.

 

After a little later, I did it again, and saw Lora leave the 5th grade room. Again the meusum reacted and suddenly the exhibits faded our and were quickly reorganized including different styles. There was now a row of rooms for Elemetnry school. And across fromt them was the entrance to Middle school. I appologized again for changing thing around even though Lora said this was better and far more organized and she entered the middle school section.

 

More time passed, and I simply just did a status up date, checking on Loras emotional state. I was flooded with sadness and she suddenly realized I had established a connection.

 

"Wonderland, NOW! Please. JUST GO HOME!"

 

I did what she wanted. As soon as I materialized she flung herself on me and had me in the tightest hug she's ever given me. Her sweater (among other things) was in my face and I was being smothered.

 

Me: "Lora, you are smothering me, you can let go."

Lora: "NO!"

Me: "Lora, it's alright, what is going on?"

Lora: "Shut up! I'm not letting go."

Me:"Lora, what is going on!? Stop this, what is wrong!?"

(She slumped down … taking her with me, and finally let go)

 

She was quite obviously on the verge of tears. That was bad, if my memories were making her that upset. She then proceed to explain what she had experienced, seen my life in the 6th and around half way through the 7th grade. That's where she stopped, she couldn't take it anymore. She started telling me what she saw, the things I experienced, and they were all accurate, dear god, she was describing my life in detail. It wasn't like verbatim everyday (like a log) but the "highlights" important events, people I knew and their context in my life. The last memory she saw was her last straw, it was too much.

--------------------

I want to say this. My life is no more tragic than yours or the average person to be honest. I've had some bad moments and bad memories, no one goes unscarred, and it's Middle School, it sucks for everyone. I don't know any of my readers pasts, and I would bet your lives are debatably worse than mine, and I don't wish to compare either. Don't misinterpret this, the things I've heard some people go through, puts my problems and bad times to SHAME. Lora is my tulpa and she's … I guess really sensitive. Middle school wasn't a "good experience" on the whole, I hated it. So please, don't misunderstand, this was her honest reaction I wish I was making it up, I really do. She was so sad that she was making me cry! It was overwhelming emotion, the more she talked the more I felt my mood get dragged down. Not because I was remembering what she was saying, literally her emotions were poring into me. I remedied the situation to the best of my ability and warned her that she should stop. She didn't want to, but she agreed to stop at middle school the end of middle school. I watched her go through the door, head down. I left wonderland and took a moment to recover. I started recalling some memories OF middle school, thinking "What is she going to see?" There are some memories that came to my mind, and I started to feel dread. It was only going to get worse in general. Thankfully she was half way through. I regained my composure and went back to work.

------------------------------------

She got through it and announced that she was done. She wasn't as down as before but she did have a few things to say about the events that happened never the less. They weren't generally positive. She was proud of me where I hopped she would be, but sad at others and even confused with some as well. She's going to go to High School next. That's … going to be something, though it shouldn't bring her to tears, … well, it shouldn't anyway.

 

I cheered her up, and we talked and had fun. After dinner, I told her we were going to do something really fun. I was going to read her "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy."

You know how you have seen kids on the edge of their seat when someone is reading to them? That was Lora the entire time. Even though I have to explain a lot of the jokes, she didn't want me to stop!

 

After that we go on chat, and talked to all the fine tumblr folks that were on, which … unfortunately did cause Lora to remember the first part of her day, which after we got into a fight (in my mind not on chat) she just went into her room and locked the door. She didn't stay in long, I knocked on the door and she was ok and opened it. She however did try to do something that I thought was very inappropriate at the time, and got her to "calm down". She's got some interesting ideas on how to feel better.

 

That was the majority of the day, look how long it is geez. I suppose it's because of how I write everything. The closer I am to it in time the easier it is to write what happened. I'm starting to get more and more comfortable with simply talking about what is going on. I don't know if that's really a good thing, but it is a blog, so I suppose it getting personal is ok. I will, still, make it "interesting" and I won't bog you guys down in unnecessary details and drama, but the drama is really apart of the "experiment" and in my mind, very important. So far I'm happy with how it's written. They may be long, but from what I've heard, you guys like it.

 

Life is a stage, and we are all players. So why not have an interesting story to play in right?

 

Good Luck, have fun! See you next time, (hopefully on time again)!

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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To be honest, I think this will be one of the shortest entries. You finally get some relief. I will warn you it may get a little ... weird. I'm tired, and when i'm tired I get depressed and when I get depressed, I say thing I shouldn't and ramble on like a drunkard Don't worry, you have Lora to stop me when it happens. On a funny note ... I've passed 666 views ... ha ... ha ... ha

 

-------------- 11/8 Day 58 Thursday -----------------------

 

So yeah the day was very busy, and i did a lot of work. It wasn't until well after lunch time that I felt comfortable enough to really sit down and at least talk to Lora for a while. I talk to her when I can, but I'm busy, she's ... not. I eventually asked if she wanted to go back to the museum, start high school, but maybe just take one grade at a time. She agreed and left.

 

<15 min later she was back said she had finished everything. I started asking her a few questions and she couldn't answer them.

 

Me:"You didn't pay attention, did you?"

Lora:"No, not really, it was boring, and ... I just wasn't in the mood."

Me: "Well, that's okay, but you haven't finished 9th grade yet so you should go back when you get the chance."

Lora: (just falls on my bed) "Fine ..."

 

The rest of the time was me just trying to get work done and then going onto chat. I was polity asked to go to the NSFW and I gave in again.

 

[Fun Shenanigans for those except for me tbh occurred]

 

Honestly, there is a lot I could write, however, it would be all personal and I'm going to be honest, not very becoming of a ... male ... of my age.

 

The most i'll ... put here is, "it" is a very ... complex, uncomfortable thing to me, and I have many ...

 

It's a mess. I'll put Lora on, I can't talk about this.

 

Cloud, wants me to say something about his. I really prefer not to though, I know how much it troubles him. he's currently very troubled about himself and the way people may perceive him in this subject. he's very conflicted. It's something I've been working on for quite a long time actually, and I thought , I made some good progress on helping him, however, that progress has turned around on me. I support him in every way and I know his true feelings. I ask only, for those who know him to not be very judgmental of him in this area. he's a mix of emotions about it, and from what I've learned of him, this has been going on for a long time. I Love him and will help him anyway I can. We both thank you for your support. I will say i think he's right, he really is moody when he's tired.

 

That about sums it. I have nothing more to say tonight. Sorry for the drama, I honestly though I could keep it off these blogs, I was wrong and I've failed myself and you. All i can do now is keep it to a minimum.

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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Double post because of reasons …

 

Oh you want a break from the long posts? Alright here!

 

Day 59 tl;dr:

cloud & Lora leveled up!

Cloud learned: Skill Possession - Allows tulpa to control hosts body while the host observes.

Cloud learned: Skill Meditation - Allows host to relax their mind restoring [equation that represents the amount of stat is restored per rank in skill] of Mental Points (MP) for at least [equation for time based on rank] minutes of time

>cloud and Lora have improved social links!

>cloud and Lora have improved their bond!

Stuff happened

Chat happened

 

Day 60 tl;dr:

Stuff happened

MLP happened.

Chat happened.

 

There! That's the shortest versions I can write! However, that's not why you are here. You LOVE THE WALLS OF TEXT! So what are you waiting for? Start reading! Your not as lucky as those on tumblr, they can IGNORE the WALLS OF TEXT, because i give them a break!

Ha ha ha ... get it? Because ... you can ... put a "read more break" and it won't ... take up the ... screen.

Just start reading! (it was a funny joke)

 

-----------------------Day 59 11/9 Friday ---------------------

This day is complicated, very complicated, a lot has been going on …

 

I'm just going to skip the morning … nothing to see here, just move along, to the afternoon everyone ...

 

That afternoon after having a conversation with my mom (yep still talk to her, everyday, you jelly? Yeah, I didn't think so …), and finally concluded I needed to meditate or at least start doing it. Give my brain a rest, it's been firing all the time, never given a chance to actually just shut down and reboot. Maybe that's why sleep has very little "restful" effects, I don't know. Anyway, I attempted it with Lora's help. After quickly reviewing most advice you can find with Google search in about 10 min I flat out went back to what I was doing. Forcing, only this time with a solid goal in mind, to simply relax, and let whatever happens happen. To be honest this is sort of supposed to be the point of mediation any way tough since I have experience in forcing and focusing, it was a curious idea to see what it would be like.

 

What happened next has literally blown my mind:

 

I basically started off with the void, and literally let my mind just calm down. Any thoughts that popped up I literally just let them wash away, like paint when it's being sprayed with water, the colors just drain down the wall and leave the "void" clean. After keeping it like that for a while, I felt enough focus I took it to the next level and included both Lora and my wonderland into my thoughts. That was all there was. Keeping this focused wasn't easy, but about the same as it usually is. After debating on where to sit, I decided the best place was the Forest in my wonderland, during autumn so the colors of the trees were very vivid and full of yellows and reds. As I breathed I attempted to create the sound of wind going through tress, the most relaxing sound I know of, and one of the best sounds. I could just sit in a valley of grass and listen to the trees all day, waste a whole day doing it, because that's the best sound I've ever heard in my life. By doing all this I was relaxed and for the first time I felt calm, in a long time. Lora was there, and well, she's able to reach that state a lot easier than me, but she simply enjoyed the quite and sitting across from me.

 

We started talking, but in a very relaxed manner. If she ever felt me get tense she slowed down or stopped and so did I. I think this was a deep focus because that was all I knew about my surroundings, the outline of the background, Lora, and myself.

 

We talked about the issue that's been a problem for me from yesterday and to be honest a lot of my life. It was hard, it's still hard, and it's extremely up nerving and very embarrassing to have Lora be far more mature, calm, and questioning, seeming to know far more then I ever taught her about his subject. I suppose this I going to be a kind of therapy. Don't get any ideas though, it's nothing that would make a porno, or even a R or PG13 movie. This is nearly PG to G rated material, but it's very personal to me and …

 

Anyway, I had timed it for thirty minutes, and finally it ended, shocking me. Time dilation is weird, or my concept of 30 minutes is way off. After meditating like this and being focused on wonderland and Lora, I went back …

 

Well … I thought I did. For some reason my body didn't respond. So … I started giving it commands. Open eyes.

 

My body did open it's eyes, but … very slowly and they were blurry. Before long they closed again.

 

It was very odd, I felt … detached from my body. I tried again several times and the response was "forced" and sluggish. I let Lora try. SAME EXACT RESPONSE though with even less control, my eyes opened, but they shut almost as soon as she lost focus. This time I REALLY focused and "took control". My body started to work as it should, but … I still felt detached. Literally it was like I was MANUALLY MOVING EVERYTHING. It's the most surreal feeling, and eventually I lost control, and had to sit my body back down, and … it … just went idle, eyes closed, shallow breathing, low heart rate. I panicked! Have gone so deep into my mind that I LOST CONTROL OF MY BODY!?

 

I experimented on doing different things. At one point I felt like I had control, but again, a DETACHED SENSE, I wasn't "absorbed in it" I was only simply "aware" of it, like how you know a wrench is moving when you tighten a screw or a power drill, or better yet a CAR.

 

So I suppose this is what it's like to be, at a "higher state of mind"? Relaxed and seeing the body LITTERALLY as a tool, and not being apart of it. I asked Lora what she was feeling, about me. She told me that it felt like I was in-between her "reality" and "mine." A literal middle ground. We tried possession several times. Lora couldn't hold it, and most of the time I had to "catch myself" and stabilize everything. It was the weirdest experience.

 

Even as I write this, I still feel that detachment from my body. I can literally let go of control, and my body goes into an "idle" setting, something I didn't think existed. I suppose this is a true understanding of how possession and later "switching" works, but to actually REALLY EXPERIENCE IT, is so … … I suppose amazing. I guess this is what a relaxed and detached "higher thinking" mind feels like.

 

As a result of "meditating" alone, I felt … rested, my mind is a lot calmer, though there is some "static" in the back of my mind. Maybe due to the stress of this whole ordeal, or the RELEASE of stress from a LONG TIME to never have it removed. I don’t know this is all very new. Lora is excited, I'm excited, it's just … the weirdest thing. I now see my body more as a vessel and a tool, not something that I "live in" but that I simply inhabit and can drive. It's a weird detached feeling, like if I were to lose it, I wouldn't be that broken up about it, like a car … though it's much more important than that so, maybe that's just the new experience confusing me. We'll work it out.

 

I will say that, giving control to either myself or Lora in this case … is now a lot easier. We can do it, nearly instantly, or at least it FEELS instantly, but she has less control or understanding of how it works than I do so when she possess it's like most of the controls are turned off and she would need to manually reboot all of them before she can start doing anything. I wonder if I can make the transition easier some how later on.

 

Anyway, meditation, I'm using it from now on, at least to clear my mind, and to … get this feeling and ease the tension I feel, I feel rested, and I only did it for 30 min.

 

The more I've written the slowly I've returned to being more "in my body" but I still have that detached like sense … very … interesting.

 

We went out and learned that the body can be put on "auto pilot" I can automatically walk, and just … walk. We switched control several times, "taking the wheel", mostly just controlling the head. Furthermore we extended the idea of automation. When Lora took over, the body did have problems doing automatic things if I took control, blinking, swallowing, and other functions. I eventually got into a rhythm that with a little focus, we could trade places of control and the body would run automatically. It worked out and it's getting better with more "systems" being automated when she's in control. We really went for it that night, in chat ...

 

------------That night … --------------------------------------------

What I feel like I can say about what happened that night was both Lora and I have some questions put to rest. It was a private conversation so it won't go here. The RESULTS of it though I suppose can at some point. I haven't really decided. What I planned to write was a bit of a ramble and more or less my mind thinking onto paper.

 

Overall Lora and I have a lot to think about. We're more than happy to talk to you guys, it's just thing between us we need to work out, nothing to really say here.

Unless you are into gossip, which … I apparently am … and have been for a while, hence some of the nature of the posts.

I'm trying to do a better job, but it's rough and temptation I give into very easily.

Anyway, I'll avoid being less coy, and Lora is better about talking about it, so I give her more of the spokeswoman position of that stuff. If you really want to know, we can explain things, but it all depends on how comfortable we are, so you may get a little, you may get TMI, it's your gamble.

 

The big thing that I can write is that possession is now a strong skill we have. I'm now letting Lora talk for the most part. And for this night I wanted her to be the one talking, so I could sit back. It's was a surreal feeling. Lora talking through me and me just watching in a weird void space. I got a chair even and started doing something the background while I focused on my eyes from time to time but made no effort to control my body. Just … insane. Lora was relieved and I also got some things answered through her, since she shared similar questions but in a different way. Different starting point but same end result, for me.

 

Got to be careful though, the body, does start to suffer from lack of sleep and other things so … eventually you got to recharge it and that's what we did.

 

-----------------------DAY 60 11/10 Sat --------------------

 

It was a Lazy Day I'm not going to lie. Slept late, really late. Tried to do work only to mostly talk and argue with Lora about stuff.

Lora learned why food is important to a host, especially me. I think my meds make me suffer from hunger more, so I start getting dizzy and faint when I'm too hungry, scared her, and also the fact she was having problems communicating. I had to keep her in "voice only" and that was not fun for her to watch me be hungry and her powerless to do anything.

 

Work got in the way and was very slow and lack luster. I FINALLY got to watch the first episodes of the new season of MLP. You can as my opinion, but you can look to the community for the general answer. Learned about some of the memes that are being made from it, and the crazy amount of stuff ALREADY released in less than 12 hours. The Brony community is CRAZY. CRAZIER THAN ME and that's SAYING SOMETHING!

 

Oh yeah … 2 month anniversary … or something … honestly we celebrated it 3 times now … 30 days = 1 month …. Something like that … moving on …

 

I ended up cutting Lora off apparently during MLP and much of the time before it and a little after it. I thought she was with me, but I "reestablished it" and she was angry. I guess I got to focused and didn't give enough to her. Made it up by letting her chat again in the tumblr channel, though … no one was actually on. I guess we get on two late for the group. :P

 

Eventually we got to talk to Doc and Welna and we talked about what Lora wanted to talk about and what was going on. I was proxying her mostly because I need to work on my work as well as chat. Didn't go well, but a enough got done.

 

Yeah, that's about it. On to day 61.

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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Hush now … there is only tulpa …

 

Unfortunately this is going off of some fuzzy memory …

 

------------------ Day 61 Sunday 11/11/12 ----------------

 

Sunday was … just a bad day. Lora and I spent little time together and overall after the morning rituals.

 

Anyway, I spent the majority of the day freaking out about my work that I needed to get done. I did however mediate again and I tried it with music.

 

Mediation takes still a good 20 min to be serious before I get into the state you need of a clear mind. It literally does wonders to my mind. I feel refreshed every time I do it and I can think clear. This time around the disassociation was weaker, but still noticeable. Lora is sluggish and can't walk and has problems with eyes, and focusing on keeping everything, "working' when she takes control.

 

Talked and had fun and what not later that night. So in general possession is become a possibility.

 

-------------------------------- Day 62 Monday 11/12/12 ---------------------------

 

To be honest fells good to not have to write so much about the previous day. Leaves the REAL DAY I'm supposed to write about.

 

We woke up and add I got up to get my work done. Lora was quite today, but I could tell she was wanting something. As I went to class she was right next to me and was trying to hold me, and didn't want to say much. I just felt like she just wanted to be near on a very cold day. For the majority of the afternoon she just wanted to stay next to me almost with some concern. It's probably because I have a light cold.

 

Funny story about that, I should mention Lora may have WARNED ME this was going to happen. I didn't really write this down but in the previous week, Lora … seemed to get sick. Out of the blue she sneezed (imagine Fluttershy sneezing … yeah you know what I'm talking about) and her presences felt off. She wasn't to happy and told me she felt weird. I asked if she wanted to just go to wonderland and sleep and she agreed. She stayed there for the remainder of afternoon that day, but came back happy and healthy as if nothing happened. Welp, I don't know if that's prediction of getting sick, but I was sick and sneezing like crazy and just low energy yesterday and today. I think I'm getting over the cold though, and thank you infusions! Once again I shake off a cold like it's nothing!

 

I reached a low point today, to much work bringing me down. I mediated for a bit to just calm down and Lora helped a lot. Mostly doing what I do for her, just being there, and letting what happened happen. After eating cooking some dinner, and working some more, I realized that Lora was right, regardless of where I am, the group for this project is further behind me. She bet something important against me. If the group is further than me, she will do something as a "punishment", if they aren't, she'll do something else. It's a win-win scenario for me though, and she was happy for the bet to be that way as well.

 

So, there I am just working, and good song come on my Pandora. I decide to get down and funky in wonderland, showing of my imaginary dance skills. Then something clicked. Only a few seconds in Lora was literally right in my face. As I started to just jam, she copied me. Now this wasn't just a copy, this was a freaking attack of the clones. I starting trying to do more complicated moves, but she mimed them EXACTLY the way I did it, and instantaneously. We did it for the whole song, and had a good laugh, but it was odd. We've never been in THAT sync before. Don't worry … it didn’t end there

 

After making enough progress, I gave Lora control, and let her play Chime some more. The possession went as usual, though … it did feel different. Lora took control a lot faster, and didn’t notice, and neither did I until much later. She started playing, and I kid you not she seriously started taking control. I felt her thoughts at the for front, her frustration and joy, and they were muting me! I was seriously in the background and at one point … I just … went completely into the background, it was Lora's thoughts only, and her actions, while I just kind of … observed, feeling like Lora WAS me. I pushed back in a little when I realized what was going on, but didn't really interrupt her. She played for a while and was very excited when she won! And then she tried to get up, not even think just telling my body to get up. Cue the vertigo and the body suddenly realizing that LORA is in charge and not me. In fact it dawned on her then almost that she was in more control of my body than she every had been before. She asked me to take over, apologizing. I did … well … I thought I did!? It was like "bumping into her" the whole experience of us being in one body made everything … really weird and woozy. It was only for a few seconds though.

 

Odd, possession takes us a good 5 seconds of a clam state and visualization to switch!? What's going on now!? I asked Lora to posses again. BAM, instantaneously she was in control and I wasn't[/align]. It was weird. We did this several times, back and forth, nearly instantaneously, however it started screwing around with my bodies ability to react. It was like water sloshing back and forth, in complete disequilibrium. I slowed down a little and Lora try out her improved possession. She has problems with my eyes, but she felt how cold my hands were, and was just … curious about touch actually. She kept poking my finger on my pencil, and playing with it. She has most of my upper body she can move, but legs are still a problem, she couldn't stand up. She also can't really talk or when she tried it wasn't enough to create sound. It's the realization of how easy her wonderland body has it, she doesn't have to work a lot in order to do most of the things I do, and there is no feeling of gravity either in wonderland. Well, going back and forth started to make me sick, and I just took control and then focused my body to know that "I" was in control and to separate our "minds" so it wouldn't be confused. It worked for the most part and I felt better again, though still dizzy.

 

So yeah, another breakthrough on possession and I'm not actually trying to improve it or anything, just playing with it, and it's going faster than I ever thought it would. Lora already know what she wants to do. She want me to eat pickles. She wants to taste them. I don't know exactly where she got the idea, but she just said it out of nowhere. "I want to eat pickles!" Well, I guess I better eat a pickle at some point.

 

I don't know if that dance off, lead to this breakthrough, but possession was obviously different after doing it. Almost like my mind/body had become more in tune with Lora some more. It's still freaky. One reason is that Lora feels very similar to my when she possesses, however she is distinct, and does feel different, and when she's in control she behaves different and moves differently. I've been trying to make her a more distinct presence, but not really sure how to do it. There are a few exercises to separate our "selves" and make them unique. I tried it before and it was moderately successful. I suppose doing a little of that may be beneficial. I could really use a distinct feeling when Lora possess so that it doesn't feel like what it did.

 

Anyway that was this day. Lots of stuff eh?

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Some side notes

 

I MAY be too busy this week to keep my entries up. I may want a little break from doing one EVERY SINGLE DAY, but I do like doing them regardless, and as you've seen I manage to write a LOT even though I feel nothing happened. If you don't see entries for a while, that's the reason why, school is going to be intense for at least 2 - 3 days, but should calm down on Thursday. Nothing I can do about it, it's out of my hands. There are still a few ideas I'm toying with, possibly a separate blog for Lora, and of course they comic idea I STILL want to do not just for us, but for the community. I think having a weekly comic strip illustrating funny stories and comedic interpretations of new tulpamancers and "tulpa say the darndest things" would be well worth it and give everyone a good laugh. I have to figure out the style and find the time though, that's the problem. Right now 1 strip (about 3 panels) would be the ultimate goal every week, like on Friday or something. Something easy for me to do in a short amount of time. I'm working out the details, stay tuned, but I think I'd really like to do it, may get more people to be more "open minded" about the community or just enjoy a funny comic involving people with "imaginary friends*".

 

*yes I know tulpa aren't imaginary friends, but it's call ADVERTISING! Tulpa is a scary word to people, Imaginary Friend … people "get it", like I said, details, I'm working on the all the details.

 

Have a good day guys! See you … next time … I hope.

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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A little late on the log, but overall not a big deal.

 

Come, stay a while as we look at the now 9 weeks of progress

 

------------------Day 63 11/13 Tuesday --------------------

 

Not a lot to write here. The day was bland to be honest. Not really any events that would be worth the writing. I mostly did my work, played a game, did more work. The most important thing I did with Lora was read some more Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. She loves the book. As soon as I even thinks about it she starts to pester me like a little kid in a candy store. She wraps up right next to me (even if I don's see her I feel something and visualize it) and I read the book in my mind as if I was reading it to a person right next to me. All in all it's great fun and Lora is always so happy. She'll ask questions, why I laughed a certain parts and watches the story play in my head as I visualize the book as well. It's fun. I suggest you try it with you tulpa.

 

----------------- Progress report of Week 9 -------------------------

 

Alright so now it's time to look at what's significantly gone on in the last week. It's the end of week 9.

 

Lora's form is still the same. She's actually starting to add her horn back. I guess she missed it and she likes it so she can do "magic." Overall though she looks just like she did when she switched to her human form. I would say that the "style of art" for her body as changed back and forth a few times, but in general it has that anime/MLP feel to it, still.

 

Lora is also keep a steady personality. She is a very nice, easy going tulpa. She doesn't really have many dislikes, and likes a lot of people that she's met. She's quite a bit like me (which is a worry) however, she does have some differences, even with her similarities. I have my reasons and experiences to be nice, and I do things one way, while she, has different reasons, and experiences but does the same thing, her way. The end result is a nice person and a nice tulpa, but the reasoning, logic, and motivations are actually completely different.

 

Maybe and example? Let's try this with some possession!

 

A friend comes online. They say hi. You haven't talked in a long time, what do you do and why?

 

Me: "I say hello and ask how they are, and ask how come we haven't talked in such a long time. I'm interested in finding the reason WHY they have been gone for so long, and wither or not it was my fault for the lack of communication."

 

Lora: " I say hello to my friend. I ask how he's doing. I ask what he would like to do today, and ask what he's been doing all this time. I might tell him I'm sad because he has been gone for so long."

 

See, the differences are there, but they a subtle, and lead to the same outcome. In fact I just realized that Lora used MALE pronouns (he/him) while I used even more generic and non-gender related terms. I'm more inquisitive of the reason why, while Lora just accepted the friends return and is only passively curious to the reason. Both of us are worried about how it affects us, I am worried about being the cause, while Lora is more interested in how it affects her personally. There are many other differences, just as I look at it, but for fun, you can look at this and make you own comments. Heck, ask us a question and I'll write both our answers so we all can see the differences.

 

I will admit that this worries me a little, though this little experiment may have changed my mind a little. The similarities are strong, and Lora feels very similar but different from me. It's odd when she possess, because it tricks my body that nothing really has happened, until she starts to do things, then my body "catches up" to what's happened, and begins to set of alarms, bells, flashing lights, that something is not right, someone else is in this body! We've been using a weird combination of a "mech warrior pod" for the arcade games (loved that game when I was little, so sad it never caught on) and Animus tech. Mostly the pod is a seat to focus on, and the operations are done through Animus software. I've tried to use just an "Animus Chair" but my mind still likes the pod, so … I guess it's not practical but it gets the job done anyway, it's just cosmetic anyway. Random buttons and controls will light up representing who knows what, subsystems that are either "out of equilibrium" or "stable" when she takes control. We flips switches, push buttons to attempt to stabilize everything, or just make Lora focus on my body more, and they eventually turn off or become less sever in their instability.

 

As I wrote before possession, is I would say, becoming easier to do, but still hard to control. Lora can't kick me out of control, but I can kick her out of control at will. If I don't give a little period concentration and make the switch smooth, problems start to happen. I get dizzy, I start to feel like I'm going to fall, an odd feeling of interference to my body occurs, and I just feel so off. Disassociation is ok to do, but a clean mental state is required to really achieve it; I've yet to do it on the fly. When possessing, Lora is control of my upper body. She's controls my hands a lot better than before, and can move a little of the upper body. My vision is hard for her to control, as well as some other minor body functions that you deal with, without thinking, like swallowing, but she's getting better at it every time. I think we are going to take it slower. Make transitions of control not as hectic, and work on different aspects until they are down. Lora does need to focus on me or I get "lost in the void" though. I don't know if this is actual switching, but she did get distracted enough that, her mind was 99% of what was going on, while I was so slight in the background I only realized I was not being focused on and immediately enforced myself stronger, kind of scary. It scared her a little too, and she gave up the possession as soon as it happened.

 

Back to Lora's personality, I would say that everything is ok, and she's taken on certain attitudes and extra traits that are ok. She still seems, like me, but is very slowly becoming more unique. I suppose it will come with time, and the more we talk and do things. I'm just worried because again, other tulpa seem to be much more different than their hosts, while Lora is very similar. It may just be the blueprint I started with, and because she's so nice, she and I get a long very well, and both of us are not interested in arguing with each other all the time. She does argue, don't get me wrong. Sometimes she sounds like a certain someone, that I wish she didn't, but that was actually apart of her original traits. She does it better though, and I don't get really mad, more just that "God you sound just like [X]."

 

So, an idea that I have is to focus on something for 1 full week and write and see the progress after that week, before moving on to improve something else. I think it'll work out well. But what to do? That's not hard …

 

Lora, among other traits, is very laid back. The majority of her time is spent in her room, just on her bed, lounging, listening to music, reading magazines. Yeah she's doing that. Funny thin is I was in the store and saw all the usual mags on the rack, that are for women/girls, fashion, makeup, "sex tips", etc. I passively thought that would Lora read them and asked. She wasn't against it. I gave her one Magazine (nothing in it, I have no idea what is written in them and no I wasn’t going to look at it in line.) and assumed "memory paper" from Doctor Who and well, she's reading it over and over now. I just assume it's connected to my subconscious and what I know/think what girls would have in those magazines. She now reads them all the time. She was reading Old Man and the Sea out of the blue, same concept, and said it was a very sad story. ANYWAY! She spends to much time in the "house." She's starting to not want to leave at all, and complains if I till her to go out and see wonderland. Others have talked about their tulpa going on into wonderland and "doing things", and Lora isn't and actually seems to not WANT TO. Nuh uh. Not something I really want from her.

 

Starting today (I guess), I'm going to tell Lora that she needs to go out in wonderland and explore. She did a little, and made a small map of the island, but only the valley and the surrounding area. Nope, I want her to seriously explore! She needs to be doing other things than just lounging. Today, I'll make it easy. Just explore the town and show me in a forcing session what is in the town. I've never defined what's IN the town besides what we interacted, so it's up to her and my sub-c to figure it out. Anything more done I simply up to her, if she finishes the town she can explore everything else as well. She can do whatever she wants TO the wonderland. SURPRISE ME LORA!

 

I'll try to include a progress report every day, and sum it up at the end of the week. Other than that, that's this log! Hope you enjoyed it!

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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To be honest the progress report for these days is going to be short … or will they?

 

----------------Day 64 Wednesday 11/14 -------------------------

 

The day consisted mostly of just me just doing work and getting through the day. Evening was typical and most interaction with Lora was through conversation. Read some more HHGttG and mostly went to bed.

 

Lora did not go out and explore that day. She stayed mostly with me. Overall the day was just eventless except we started assisting another tulpamancer. This one asked for help on their just discovered tulpa. For many years the tulpa had been created, but simply not focused on. They interacted with each other on a minor scale and it was mostly a "invisible friend". Recently after discovering the tulpa phenomena, they start to strengthen the bond with their tulpa. This was successful, but the tulpa wasn't talking. However, with a little help, and some translation of emotions that the tulpa would broadcast to the host, Lora was able to have a conversation with the tulpa, and overall improved the relationship with both host and tulpa.

 

The day ended on that note.

--------------Day 65 Thursday 11/15 ---------------------------

 

A very stressful day. I had a lot of things to do and responsibilities to finished up. Everything went fairly well, but Lora was absent the majority of the time while I was busy.

 

This time she did explore some wonderland, and this is what she did after I asked her.

 

I had created a sea cave on the west side of the island, near the beach. I again I just made it but had little intentions to PLAN OUT what it was like. After not really paying much attention to her I asked what she had been doing and she said she explored it. I had told her to map it out so that I could see what it was.

 

At first it was a simply sheet of paper. It was a vertical view of the cave, showing depth and the chambers she had looked at. Dispite my best efforts I had created a few chambers and known how they connected from the entrance (my mind just couldn't resist) and the map look mostly exactly like that. I was a little disapointed because that could have ment Lora figured a way to explore without actually doing it.

 

Me: "Really this is it? This is all you explored? Are you sure you actually went there?"

Lora: " YES! Why!? I went into the cave."

Me:"It looks at little too familiar. I had sort of a rough idea about the cave and it looked like this."

Lora:" … well look closer at the paper."

 

Sure enough I did. The map was actually a little more detailed and the more I concentrated the more the map seemed to add. I don't know if that was because my vision in wonderland was obscuring it, or my subconscious was creating right on the spot, or that it was really true, Lora had done more on the map and I just hadn't seen it.

 

Lora:"Also .. There are more pages …"

 

More pages? But she gave me only one … I felt the back of the paper and several pages were underneath. I looked at them. These were new, and more detailed. The first "floor" of the cave was mapped more as a overhead, showing the inner workings and where things led. It was still fuzzy but it was all different than what I had ever thought would be in the cave.

 

Me: "Well, good job then, I'm pleased with you progress. Thank you for exploring some of the cave."

Lora: "You're welcome."

 

Very interesting indeed. I think I'll go with her to explore the cave at one point, see it for my self and double check everything.

Anyway, this is a good start on her exploring the wonderland and doing something and being active while I'm busy. That was the goal and she's accomplished it, now she just needs to keep it up!

 

Again, Lora gave further help to the tulpa and host that we assisted yesterday. This time I was more in control of the session. Both tulpa and host wanted to the tulpa to talk, yet there seemed to be no ability to do so, and it was frustrating for both. I gave a technique of parroting that has been very useful. I'll put it down here just in case you don't know it.

 

First note that the tulpa should be confirmed as sentient in some way, and communication from the tulpa has been attempted. I say this because the technique requires parroting which is a nasty habit if used incorrectly. It's a safety step. If your tulpa can communicate any other way besides being vocal (mind thoughts, emotions) or basically understands and confirms what you say to it, you are safe to use this technique. I only say this because mostly it's to inform the tulpa and not scare it when you do it. Your tulpa won't necessarily like this, but it works really well, and it won't harm it, it's just annoying. Basic skills you should have as a tulpamancer at this point, include visualizing your tulpa in either their form or as something, and knowing their voice or having a voice for them picked out.

 

1) Visualize your tulpa and in a safe environment should be created, and the tulpa should be happy and relaxed and hopeful know what's going to happen. The calmer and natural the tulpa is, the better. (You don't need a wonderland, but I used one and recommend it.) It's for their convince not yours. Some tulpa can be nervous or defensive about this, so making them happy and relaxed well help a lot. I leave to you the host to understand your tulpas temperament and plan accordingly. Try and make this as happy and non-intrusive as possible. Always tell them that this won't hurt them in anyway, because it really won't at all.

2) Once the tulpa is happy and calm, and so are you hopefully, you should remember or think about their voice. This could be one of the reasons they are not talking, you have yet to think about what voice they should have. It could be yours or maybe it has been if they've tried to use mind speak. The point is you need to know this, otherwise, well … you can't parrot now can you? :P

Remember this doesn't have to be their voice forever, and the tulpa will probably deviate at some point so don't think this is a permanent thing.

3) Again, clearly state you intentions. Tell them that you are going to make them say something, through their mouth, with a voice. Make what you are going to say as simple or complex as you want. I recommend simple, but if you want them to recite poems or dialogue from a movie, you are more then welcome to, it's your tulpa.

4) Parrot. Visualize your tulpa and force the words out of their mouth. Do everything that you need to do. Visualize their lips moving (if they have them) and make them say it in the voice you chose. Do this a few times, but you don't need to do it longer than one minute.

a. You should notice how HARD it is. The stronger the sentience the more resistance. It's like if someone did it to you, you would fight it or naturally resist it. Keep trying until they say the words in the voice you chose. Also remember this feeling and difficulty. You now know what PARROTING is and feels like! If you ever feel this resistance when you tulpa talks you are parroting. If you feel little to no resistance when they talk, guess what? That's THEM TALKING and not you making them talk. You never need to doubt their voice again!

b. Your tulpa may want you to stop almost after the first time. I suggest you just easy the tension until they do it ONCE. After that, if they are really unhappy, stop. After the first time, just tell them that's talking and comfort them as you see fit.

5) Your done! The seed of knowledge has been planted. Your tulpa now knows a voice they should use, how to talk visually, and knows what it feels like. From this point on, you don’t need to do anything, and your tulpa will most likely become curious and start trying to do it on their own. If not, assist them again as you see fit.

 

Progress in talking is usually: mind thoughts/emotions/body language ----> few words ------> GARBLE *-------> phrases ---------> 1 sentence --------------> few sentences ----------------> Light conversation(though reactionary)---------> Talking on your level -------->?????? ------------> Talking more sophisticated/better than you???

 

Note that the garble phase can happen at ANY POINT. Usually it's your tulpa connecting thoughts to words and it just comes out too fast/too soft/too loud/ or intelligible. It's ok, and you should get excited because this is the sign that they have talking down, now they just need to organize it so you understand. It may last a few days, or stop as soon as it starts depends on the tupper. You may not go through every stage, I'm just illustrating what Lora went through. If you tulpa has been communicating in emotions through you, tell the tupper to use the words that represent those emotions instead. It'll take the burden of the strong emotion pipe line off of both of you, and make communication easier and involve less effort. If you notice problems with talking there are other ways, which I won't write right now, that can quickly improve the quality of the communication between the two of you, but hopefully everything will work out, and you two will be talking before you know it.

 

Just when I thought I wasn't going to write a long log … I do it anyway.

The Log

Tumbler

Tuplae: Lora & Aria

Age: 14 W/ 3 Weeks

Current Area of Focus: General Forcing

Wonderland: The Island/Void/Museum of Memories/Sub-C (Rome Simulation)

 

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