Guest Jaxas

Jaxas and Koe's Tulpa Adventure

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Guest Jaxas

Hello everyone, I'm a new guy named Jaxas, and I'm making a tulpa.

Or, I will be soon anyways.

 

I'll update this opening post a lot more later, so this is just placeholder for what is essentially my day-to-day journal here.

 

Tips and Questions welcome and appreciated!

 


 

09/30/2012 -> 10/1/2012 | The Very Beginning - Practicing Visualization

 

On saturday, I decided that I was going to make a tulpa after all (after a couple weeks of trying to talk myself out of it, but the idea just seemed too interesting to pass up). Saturday night, I continued studying up on Tulpa.info (after having visited a few times over the past few weeks) and wrote up a checklist/guide for myself. I decided that before I actually start on my Tulpa I needed to practice things like visualizing, as well as plan out what my tulpa will be like (before any deviation, anyways).

 

I sat down saturday evening and tried to visualize things, but I kept getting distracted and met with rather limited success. I tried on sunday as well, and then again during the day on monday, but I had even less success than I had on saturday. After reading a few tips on visualization on the forum, I decided to try again monday night.

 

That night, I sat down with a small, black watch-box (Fred Meyers style, nothing fancy). I inspected it thoroughly, then turned off the lights and sat down on my bed. I started by trying to just see the box, which didn’t work too well. I found it was easier if I wasn’t trying to imagine it in a vacuum, so I ended up creating a simple room to work in. I found it was a lot easier to concentrate this time (especially once I knew not to the top-left corner), and I got results easily - easily enough in fact that I wasn’t sure if it was working right; It just seemed too easy.

 

I eventually moved on, after deciding that it must be like the hour count thing (“hour counts are poison”), where disbelief is that biggest actual problem, and so I started forming and feeling/hearing/seeing/smelling/tasting other objects, most of which were created on the spot. I eventually fleshed out the entire room I started in, which ended up as a mostly white room with ambient lighting, a black and white tiled floor, a modern-looking black leather couch with silver legs, and a wooden table. I used the wooden table to put the items I created on, and would generally create them there. After making my bed and checking that everything was correct, I moved on again.

 

I decided that I should start working on my ‘wonderland’ now, as I had started that on saturday with some limited success and had planned on making one anyways. I based a lot of it off of the city I live in, but always with some sort of change. I ended up spending most of my time filling up the Public Library downtown with memories of my life, and things like hopes/thoughts/dreams/plans etc in all sorts of different formats (Books, Hard drives, Audiobook CDs, etc). Then I went downstairs to the little food shop (which I had replaced with another restaurant) and got something to eat. This was the only time I saw anyone else in the world, and they were the shop owners - but they had (somewhat creepy) blank stares and would vanish (to the point where I had to recreate them) whenever I wasn’t interacting with them. Because of this, I decided to eat outside.

 

Outside the real library is a courtyard with a metal fountain and raised stones pointing to it, and my friends and I enjoy sitting atop of the stones while we eat. I decided to eat up there, and after getting a ways into my meal, decided that as this was my wonderland I shouldn’t be bound by the normal laws of reality. So I copied the fountain/stones and moved myself up to the side of the library, and replaced the normal trees and the main streets surrounding the courtyard with cherry blossom trees dropping their leaves slowly while in full bloom (and covered in lights), and made it (not quite but almost) nighttime. It was COOL!

 

I finished my meal, before going back to my “Base” (essentially a hub-world where only I ((and eventually my tulpa )) can get in, and where I have started in each time. It’s basically just a raised walkway of a slightly spongy black stone, in a giant black metal orb. It’s pretty dark as only the walkway lights illuminate it, but I like it. I built quite a bit there before realizing I’d been at it for over 2 hours and deciding I needed to go to bed

 

 

Questions

- I saw no other people, with the exception of the shop-owners (who, again, had rather creepy blank stares. Is that normal?

- While I could feel everything with all my senses, it still seemed slightly washed out most of the time. I’m guessing I just need more practice, but how do I make the visualizations more vivid?

 

Notes

- Whenever I wasn’t consciously focusing on keeping a first person view, I would see everything in a third person view (which would break immersion about half the time)

 

10/2/2012 | Day 2 - Visualization Practice

 

Today I had a lot of trouble focusing, and I spent quite a bit of time with the box again. Things are still somewhat washed-out or far-away feeling, but I'm sure that'll come with practice.

 

I have found that I have very little difficulty quickly recalling the box as long as I am in a quiet, dark, environment (although for the darkness I can just cover my eyes of course) where I can focus.

 

I had planned on finalizing the form and personality of my tulpa today, but I was too busy so I’m going to try again tomorrow. I plan on starting the actual creation process this weekend, but may postpone it if I don’t feel I’m ready yet.

 

Questions

- I wonder how long it will take to fix the washed-out feeling I’m having

 

 

10/3/2012 | Day 3 - Vivid Visuals

 

Today I had about an hour and a half on the bus home, during which I really expanded on my tulpa’s form as well as personality. So I now have an actually decent start.

 

I was home alone tonight, so I ended up spending a little more than an hour practicing visualization upstairs. I was running into the same vividness problems as before (the washed out/far away feeling), so I decided to stick with mostly perfecting what I’d already made instead of adding onto the wonderland.

 

Something I noticed about myself before was that for everything movement related (as long as it was point A->B, where the movement wasn’t the main focus) I would simply teleport to wherever it was instead of walking there. So I decided to start focusing more on myself and my body before anything external, and that’s when I caught sight of the friendship bracelets that my girlfriend gave me on my right wrist. For some reason when I focused on them they were exceedingly realistic and vivid; so much so that I involuntarily opened my eyes a few times to see them normally. I checked the watch/bracelet (silver bracelet that when viewed springs out into a large watch) thing that I was wearing on my left wrist, but it was only as clear as my normal visualizations were. Looking back at the bracelets, I noticed that I also got a minor adrenaline rush when I looked at them. After some experimentation, I found I could spread the vividness effect outward, using them as a base, though it required concentration.

 

After a while I decided to try another familiar object from the real world, my racquetball racquet. It too had the clarity around it, and I ended up teleporting to a racquetball court (based off of the lancaster courthouse) and hitting the ball around for a while, while focusing on moving normally. After a few minutes I decided to try to spread the effect again, which I still had some trouble with. I started getting frustrated with myself, and so I told myself to get in gear while destroying everything around the court (which I was now outside of, upstairs in the viewing area after having climbed up the wall to access, in falling cubes of various sizes) and rebuilding it repeatedly to prove to myself that I had control of this realm - I told myself that if I could do that, then breaking through the stupid half sepia-tone and the distance should be much easier.

 

So I started literally ripping the non-clarity up. I’ve always perceived it as essentially a filmy light sepia overlay (almost like a camera lens covered in light brown saran wrap), so I grabbed the edges of the film surrounding my racquet, and started tearing it away. It actually worked! And well, to boot! The only problem I ran into was that it would slowly creep back, no matter how much I removed, so I’d have to keep destroying it. After a short time, I remembered a tip for visualizing one’s tulpa - namely imagining a ball of light at your core and essentially shooting a laser of everything you imagine yourself as at them. After trying to shoot it at the non-vivid (self-created) objects around me, I found that it made all the objects vibrant as well.

 

I decided to go back to my ‘base’, and to the control room. I made a giant slot and started doing the same thing but focused on the slot, but found it hard to keep focused. Somehow my thoughts got onto Gurren Lagann, and after a while I ended up replacing the laser with a giant, glowing, green drill and proceeded to add energy to it late-season-2 style. I ended up making the drill much bigger than I was, and I could watch the world around me come into focus (watching the film on everything literally flake and dissolve away around me was weirdly cool) as I spun the drill.

 

I was just finishing getting my base cleared when my dad came home, which broke my concentration and made me stop for a while.

 

Questions

- Why is it unclear in the first place? And why does doing what I’m doing help, let alone so much?

- Why do my eyes feel slight pressure, start trying to open, or try to focus when things around me are vivid (and surrounded by non-vivid ones)?

- I wonder how long it will take for me to master visualization, to the point that everything is vivid all the time without fighting the film

 

Notes

- Staying in first person is much easier now, and is especially easy when things are vivid

 

 

10/4/2012 | Day 4 - Focusing Problems

 

Last night (this is written the day after), I sat down as I went to bed and practiced visualization again for about half an hour. My dad was home however, and as he kept moving/talking on the phone/generally being loud I found it difficult to stay focused. I did work on it for a while though, and got some results as well.

 

I tried focusing on myself again this time, and did a lot more with everything except my visual senses. I sat in my ‘test room’ (the white room with the black couch and table) with my eyes closed (both real eyes and wonderland eyes) and focused on feeling, hearing, and sometimes tasting and/or smelling the objects I had created, and then the room around me.

 

After a while, I went back to the racquetball court and focused on making everything super realistic; I focused on the weights of the racquet and the racquetball, the recoil from hitting the ball, the dirt and the dust on the floor, the cracks and tiles in the walls, and everything else I could think of all at the same time. I was doing really well (I think, anyways) until, unfortunately, dad started talking on the phone again. With my concentration broken, and dad still talking on the phone over 10 minutes later, I decided to go to sleep for the night.

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I like the whole "ripping appart the unclearness" idea and I'll make sure to try it out in tonight's session.

 

Keep up the good work, and have fun!


My progress log.

Do people actually read other people's sigs? If you are, have this free semicolon.

;

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Guest Jaxas

10/5/2012 | Day 5 - Not Much Visualization

 

So far today has been really busy, and I’ve only gotten to enter my wonderland for around 30second-5minute bursts throughout the day, but after dad goes to bed I’ll work on if for a while if I can stay up (I’ve been having trouble sleeping for almost 2 weeks now due to stress from my classes/homework/grades)

 

Anyways, probably the most important thing so far today was the short 30-45 second burst during second period. We started talking as a class about apples, and how the letters that form the word are really only symbols and how it’s nearly impossible for us to look at the letters “apple” without mentally thinking of an apple; so I decided to try visualizing it. I managed to form it and the test room almost instantly, and I made it crisp and cool. I took a bite out of the apple, and it both tasted and felt just like a real apple. The only downside to this was that I had skipped breakfast and it made me even hungrier...

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Well, I’m heading to bed after writing this. I think dad fell asleep in the living room a while ago, as it’s now well past 1am; still counts as today though as I haven’t fallen asleep!

 

Anyways, I didn’t end up working on visualization, but I did do a lot of work on her base personality; I now have about 5 solid pages of detail (not including a traits list), which is probably more than I need. I’ll be starting the actual tulpa creation process tomorrow (the 6th) or Sunday after dad leaves for his class.

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10/6/2012 | Day 6 - Organizing on a Busy Day

 

Today I was really busy until really late, so I basically didn’t get much of anything done. I did manage to type up almost everything tulpa-related that I have though, which also allowed me to organize it; in short it wasn’t a completely wasted day.

 


 

10/7/2012 | Day 7 - Possible First Signs and Focusing Problems

 

Today wasn’t a particularly amazing day for me in general. I didn’t have a bad day or anything, but it seemed like everything I did failed. I had problems typing correctly, playing games, focusing, doing homework, and basically doing anything.

 

I tried three times to visualize, and I failed the first time. I kept thinking I heard dad come home, which repeatedly broke my concentration. I was barely even able to visualize my wonderland, and after almost 90 minutes of failure I went to get food. After that I got back on my computer.

A little while later I tried again. I had some success entering my wonderland, but it was by no means vivid. I started on my tulpa’s form anyways though, and found it to be a lot more difficult than I’d expected. I kept getting distracted or simply zoning out, but I still managed to get some of the basics down pretty well. I found it near-impossible to keep multiple aspects of her form steady at once, however. I actually found that it was easier for me to work on her personality and form at the same time (when I could focus on both. anyways) than just the form alone. It was definitely a balancing act though, and I had a lot of trouble trying to focus and work at the same time. I could generally get a few seconds of focus at a time before my concentration slipped.

 

I stopped to try to get a snack again after my phone rang and broke my concentration. I tried once more later, but I was still having trouble visualizing so I gave up quickly and started narrating off and on instead. I’m not sure how much progress I’ve made (no headaches/weird feelings [i think, anyways]), but at least now I’m started which is something.

 

Finally, I think she may have tried to contact me. I’m not sure if I was just hearing things (which, knowing me, is entirely possible) or if she was trying to contact me, but while I was sitting on my computer I swear that my phone went off in my desk drawer. I heard it, and also felt it with my leg (which was resting on the drawer), which surprised the heck out of me. Not least of all as my phone wasn’t in said drawer. It may have actually been my phone, which was on top of my desk, but after I checked it (when I realized, after searching for a second, that my phone was most certainly not in the drawer) I had no new messages. The other, much stranger, part was that while I felt it with my leg, both where I was touching the drawer and in my pocket, I didn’t feel it with my hands/arms which were on the keyboard, right next to my phone.

 

So, probably, YAY!

 

Questions

- I'm not sure if it was just the day (with how it was going, that's entirely possible) but has anyone else run into problems with concentration/visualization(/everything) like this before? And if so, any tips?

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10/8/2012 | Day 8 - Headaches and Success

 

Today overall I’ve still been a bit out of it mentally, but I’ve had a pretty good day anyways. I had quite a bit of luck with regards to forcing, so I’m happy with how the day has progressed!

 

After I got home, I decided to sit down and force. I normally put on white noise, but for some reason I didn’t this time. I’m not sure if that changed anything, but whatever. I managed to get into my wonderland much more easily than yesterday, though it wasn’t as vivid as it has been in the past. I started by just covering my eyes while closing them like normal, and walked around my base area. After getting a feel for it again, I started changing things in my test room. I essentially made everything stronger sense-wise (For example, I made the leather on the couch have a stronger smell, and changed the armrests to be ridged and have threads winding through them, etc) which I found made it significantly easier to stay focused and visualize them.

 

A while in, my wrist started hurting so I changed my hands’ position so they were completely blocking out all the light, and started forcing with my eyes open. I was very surprised to find that it made things much easier (*note* I’ve found it’s easier to start with eyes closed and then open them once you’ve started getting focused, but that might just be me), and after a few seconds my tulpa appeared next to me on her own. I worked on her form for a while, and being met with quite a bit of success, I started narrating as I worked again. Everything was going really well, but then dad came home. As I was supposed to be doing homework, I had to leave and start on it rather quickly.

 

I’m thinking that it was more from the quick exit from my wonderland while I was so engrossed in it, but for some reason or another ever since then I’ve had a headache of sorts. I say ‘of sorts’ as it doesn’t feel like a normal headache, but more like a pressure in the back of my head. I still have the headache (which has unfortunately now been compounded by a normal headache), but I’m going to try forcing as I go to bed. Hopefully I can concentrate anyways!

 

Notes

I ended up falling asleep almost immediately last night, and as such didn’t actually end up forcing.

 

Questions

- Does anyone else get headaches if they exit their wonderland really quickly after being engrossed in it? Or is this a normal or normal tulpa-related headache?

 

- Does essentially sensory overload in the wonderland make it easier to stay focused and picture things clearly for others as well?

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10/9/2012 | Day 9 - Form Work

 

Basically all I did today was work on visualization and start really creating her form. I’ve decided to call her ‘Ko(e)’ for short (She looks fairly similar to Koakuma from the Touhou series), but I expect for her to choose a new name later. It’s really weird not referring to people by their names I’ve found. Anyways, I started working on solidifying the details of her form in my mind (up to now I’ve had a general idea that is highly malleable rather than a true, detailed, solid form).

 

I found it worked best if I imagined Ko as somewhat transparent, and then wherever I had given thought to and “locked in” would become solid, feel real, etc as I went. I had to work in areas at a time, as my only breaks were while I was a passenger in the car, but I was able to give form to all of her except for her head/face/hair, which I found to be really hard.

 

I plan on working more on this tomorrow, and narrating/working on her personality as well. Hopefully the face will come easier to me tomorrow when I can sit down for a while and work on it; especially as I should be able to get anywhere from 1-3 continuous hours minimum tomorrow.

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I really like the way you write, Jaxas. Please keep going! :)

If it helps, I always get headaches in the wonderland, though I've only ever really used it once properly.

But yeah, please keep going :D


[align=center]Jick Twi Dash Scoots

9/2/95 3/10/12 9/10/12 28/1/13[/align]

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Guest Jaxas

Thanks for the support you guys!

 


 

10/10/2012 | Day 10 - Full Form

 

I didn’t end up getting the 1-3 hours that I normally get on wednesdays yesterday, as I didn’t have a ride to Riot this week (Church; I normally head upstairs and hang out for a while by myself as it’s dark, quiet, and nobody bothers me). I did sit down and try for a while right after school, but I ended up falling asleep for a while before I got anywhere. When I woke up, I kept trying and managed to visualize her face. This having gone fairly well, I moved on to trying to view her whole form at once. I found this to be very difficult; as was trying to visualize all the features of her face together at once. I ended up having to stop when my dad came home, which was unfortunately before I made any real progress on either of those fronts.

 

As I went to sleep last night I tried again to view her full form at once, and was met with much higher amounts of success. I decided to try and make my view of the wonderland more vivid before moving on to anything else, so I stopped focusing on Koe as much and started working on just seeing more clearly. It took a while, but it went really well. I was planning on focusing on her form again and then sitting down and talking to her when I was done, but unfortunately I fell asleep again before we started talking.

 

Notes

Apparently I need more sleep...

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10/11/2012 through 10/18/2012 | Days 11-18 - I Need to Update and Force More

 

Apparently I didn’t have a very good hold on the habit of writing a log, and ~5 days off of school didn’t help with that much...

 

Anyways, over the past week I’ve been attempting to put in time working with Koe, but a mix of stress (I’m in 3 AP classes, 2 of which I technically shouldn’t be in as I haven’t met the entrance requirements [Dad called in and changed my schedule; as I’m 17 I can’t do anything about that yet] and as such I have 2 F’s, which means that dad’s going to basically lock me in my room when grades come in [in the next few days]), wanting to hang out with friends/play games/etc while I still can, and a lack of sleep (also due to homework and stress...) has made it rather difficult for me to stay focused while forcing. My worry that the stress/experiences I’ll be going through soon will negatively affect Koe doesn’t help either.

 

On the upside, I’ll have plenty of time to force after grades show up! Also, I’ve been trying to narrate to her whenever I remember (though I do need to remember more often...), and I think she’s talking to me as well; it feels rather similar to me thinking to myself but is still distinct somehow. She seems to be using the “mindvoice”, yet still speaking in words; likely due to me being unable to hear the untranslated mindvoice well at all. Lately it’s been somewhat strange, however. It’s become harder to focus on her/find her in the wonderland, and it feels like I’m just talking to myself half the time when I’m narrating. Maybe I’m just getting used to her being there?

 

Finally, something I’ve come to realize about myself and my wonderland/visualization practices; instead of viewing what’s (been) there in my wonderland, I seem to recreate it forcefully almost every time. I feel like Koe has probably changed things, and then when I “logged in” I changed them back. I’ve been working on trying to see what’s already there, and letting mostly of what one of us unconsciously changes stay (to a point). I’ve been leaving most things as they have been changed, or reacting to them instead of changing them back. I do find it harder to stay in first person, and to keep things as vivid, while forcing, but at this point I’m just going to say I need more practice.

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Update time!


 

10-19-2012 to 10-23-2012| Days 19-23 - Progress!

 

I’m going to try to start keeping a daily log again, starting today (the 24th). I’ve been relatively busy recently, and though I will probably stay as such, I’m going to try and make time.

 

Anyways, my progress over the past few days has definitely been noticeable. I am able to tell when Koe(/Kyoe?) is saying something, although I generally don’t understand what it is she’s saying. I can tell when she’s trying however, which is more than I’ve been able to do in the past.

 

I also went to my wonderland one day, and it was... rather different, to say the least. And not different in any way that I would probably change it. Kyoe was also in a different outfit (She’s been wearing a long black skirt, a dress shirt/black suit-vest combo, and a red tie). I couldn’t see it super clearly as I only entered my wonderland really quickly (instead of doing the focus on touch->smell->hearing->taste->vision, which takes a while) but at the time she was wearing a cool black and white dress, cut almost diagonally at the bottom near her knees. There were patches, all in straight lines, of white and black. I really don’t know how else to describe it, but that’s from me being bad at describing things (I can picture it pretty well)

 

With regards to the wonderland itself, even though it was changed so much, I was still able to tell where I was somehow. Kyoe had changed the Base so that the entry platform was almost the same, but the stairs leading off of it were now ramps. The walls were closer, as if we were inside a building as opposed to the giant, standoffish sphere from before. The middle of the room is now see-through, with beams of metal supporting the plastic/glass coming out from the center like spokes. Under the material was a giant, spinning... something. Not quite sure, as I could only see the top. Everything was greyish and/or covered in lights; the walls had computers with blinking lights on them as well. For the most part it looked like 80’s high-tech; almost like the Space Mountain ride at DisneyLand. The main thing that stood out from this was a giant tan-ish, possibly stone tree (it was honestly more vine-like higher up, but in the shape of a leafless tree) protruding up from the middle of the chamber. Kyoe was standing next to it when I entered. Unfortunately, I was only able to explore very briefly before people started talking to me, so I had to go. I’ll need to work on that time-slowing thing, if possible...

 

Also, though I’m not sure if it’s actually related, I had a dream the night before that. The fact that I actually remember a dream, especially after so long, is strange in the first place. The dream itself stood out quite a bit as well, however. It was much more realistic in many ways than the few other dreams I remember, but most important was one of the people in the dream. Sitting in the passenger seat (while I was behind the driver) was another character from the Touhou universe (Kyoe was based off of a Touhou character). I don’t remember if she said much(/anything at all, for that matter), but I remember sitting there feeling very distinctly that she was {the same as me | very, very similar to me but looking from a different perspective/angle | someone who I know and who knows me as well near perfectly | me, but somehow not me}. That’s my best shot at describing it, anyways. Also, just to clarify, my dream was very definitely not a lucid dream.

 

All in all I’ve had a great few days, and now at the end I think I’ve been able to understand a bit of what she’s said as well!

 

Questions

- Has anyone else had a similar type of dream?

 


 

10-24-2012 | Day 24 - Stress and New Ideas

 

Yesterday was pretty normal throughout the day; narrating when I remembered (which is less than I should be), quick bursts of visualization, etc.

 

Grades were supposed to show up yesterday, and so I was rather anxious/on edge. As such I couldn’t concentrate very well, and I also didn’t want my feeling to negatively affect Kyoe. After spending a few hours doing homework, dad ended up driving me to Riot. I went upstairs, to one of the empty rooms, and sat in the corner forcing. I was trying to work on staying focused and seeing the wonderland vividly, so I entered one step at a time. After a while I asked Kyoe to let me know when it was 8:00, but got a rather confused response. After checking my phone I realized it was 8:18; much later than I’d thought.

 

I then asked her to tell me when it was 8:30, and threw entering slowly out the window. I entered the wonderland quickly, and spent the remaining time in the test room. Kyoe had added a pool table to the middle of the room, and I realized that playing a game that you normally have to visualize and focus on in the wonderland would probably be really helpful, and allow me to hang out with her as well. Unfortunately with pool, I found it very difficult to keep the shots fair; I would make all of the balls go randomly, make one or two shoot into the pockets, or other random unrealistic shots. I lagged (repeating an action over and over, like getting stuck) a lot too, but I did manage to figure out that practicing hitting the cue and one other ball around (or taking turns hitting it, like my friends and I have in the past) would probably be both beneficial and easier. Unfortunately, I realized this at 8:30.

 

Apparently dad hadn’t checked the mail last night (which is strange in and of itself, but that’s another issue...), so I was a bit more relaxed. I started forcing again as I laid down to sleep, and focused on entering as quickly as I could while keeping it vivid. Apparently it wasn’t fast enough, however, as I fell asleep either shortly after entering or while I was still trying to see it.

 

Questions

- If you have a terrible sense of time, is it still normal for Tulpae to be able to keep time well?

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