Saturnfox's and Hailey's Sneed and feed.

[Saturnfox]

Day 2

 

     So, today was the first day back to school since starting this guide, and overall It sucked just a little bit. It sucked in the sense of how school typically sucks, which doesn't really need explaining. I did get to passively force a little; but ultimately I wouldn't consider it very efficable, as most of the day was spent focusing on school, unfortunately. Another part that really sucks is that I live pretty far away from my high school, and as such commuting takes an absurd amount of time. As it's my senior year; my parents really just want me to finish high school, so moving schools now would be a little silly. However; a negative part of this is the fact that because commute times are so long, I often get home on the weekdays around 4:30~5:00pm, which means that in order to force properly, I need to find a good method of forcing that wouldn't result in me neglecting Hailey. Perhaps I could force during the day at school; and do the bulk of my schoolwork when I get home? Who knows. However, It's something that I really need to give consideration.

====

Saturnfox, what happened yesterday?

      As I was a bit zoinked out of my mind from having a migraine yesterday; I wasn't really able to catalogue what I did yesterday, given that typing out the placating response that I was able to make took every fiber of will within my being lol. However, given that today I am able to type without my had exploding, I'll do so. Unfortunately for me (and for you too, dear reader), the only real way I was able to remember what I did for forcing yesterday was through me having wrote down what I did on a notepad document on my pc, as my memory, though typically bad; was exceptionally bad at recalling yesterday:

 

     "today got hailey form down; forced for a little while, and also got some personality work + talking to her thoughout day."

 

     Truly, the stuff that books are made of, no? But, true to this barely coherent string of text; that was mostly what I did yesterday in regards to Hailey. I was mostly able to get her form down pat, to the point where on demand I could recall her, and have her form not be blurry in my mind. Also, yesterday I was able to force her to a pretty good extent. The basic structure of my wonderland as-is; is a small-ish one story japanese style house. There's hallways, a living room, a kitchen, a closet, a toilet/bath, and a single bedroom which we both share. It's situated in a neighborhood with cafes, other houses, restaurants, shops, etc; all on the same street. In addition, there's also a small-ish backyard; which consists of two levels; the lower wth plants, a pathway, and a koi pond; and an upper, with a large tree, and grass. That day; me and Hailey decided to get out of the house, and walk along the sidewalk to a shop to go get a computer. Our bedroom was missing it in the wonderland; however instead of simply spawning it in; I decided it'd be more fun to actually buy it from a shop in the town/neighborhood that we've created. So off we went; doing whatever silly stuff we could along the way. I specifically remembered I tried to imagine the wonderland in the absolute best detail that I could; down to how each individual step I took felt. Typically, the laws of physics in my wonderland can be bent a little, so for example if Hailey gets bored of standing around while i'm talking to her; she can simply levitate DBZ style. However, this time around I though that it'd be best to have a relatively normal walk to the computer store (Mainly because if she were to just crash into the ceiling of the store, grab a pc, and than just go back home; it'd be a pretty short forcing session -w-). In addition; I also focused on getting the wonderland to have the best sensory feeling that I could imagine it in; as my logic was that if I imagined the wonderland with realistic heat/cold, or realistic moisture in the air; Hailey would be able to perceive those as well by virtue of existing within that mindspace.

     After talking quite a bit on the way to the computer store; we eventually reached our destination, and entered. The store was loosely based on an apple store (I've never stepped foot in an apple store; that's just the most 'computer-y' store I could think of.) Running the counter was an NPC monk (An idea I stole straight out of user Cinemaphobe's PR) who was sitting at the counter; doing a whole lot of nothing. Hailey immediately went to looking at the monk-dude that was running the counter; while I looked around the store for cool pcs. Looking around, eventually I found an iMac (an older one; specifically the sunflower iMac g4, since I think it looks cool). I look back, and Hailey was slapping the monk's head, lol. So, we bought the pc, headed home, and eventually set it up (?). Fun fact, when I left, the iMac was still in it's box; however I just went back to the wonderland while typing this; and it's set up on a milkcrate in our bedroom... maybe Hailey set it up when I was away? 
Not to get sidetracked, in addition to that, we also talked in a more passive-forcing style throughout the whole of yesterday. We were once again at the town square, and me and Hailey were idly talking about whatever while my mum looked around the shops. Also, (not too sure when it happened since the events of yesterday are a little foggy) we went on a walk, and talked a little about Hailey's personality traits that she has. To reiterate, I'm aware of the fact that deviation is both inevitable and healthy. I'd probably be more angry if anything if Hailey remained static as a person. However; the first round about forcing Hailey; I didn't have a base personality for her to grow from plotted out; and as such I didn't really have a sense of who I was talking to. So, while meditating, I decided that another part of forcing yesterday would simply be to gush a little about Hailey's personality traits. Who knows; maybe I'll copy-and-paste the text from my journal into a blog post sometime in the future; given that people are probably more interested in her than they are in me.

 

====

 

     Today, however, was a bit of a different story. Unfortunately, do to the aforementioned state brainwashing schooling, I was not able to force Hailey throughout the day whilst focusing on her. Meanwhile; only until around 5 did I get home today; so that really didn't help anything much. Typically; I find the most comfortable spot to force is laying down in bed; however arriving home so late, any attempt made to force this way most likely results in me falling asleep. However, today when I did get home, I did the best I could, to the best of my ability; simply talking to Hailey about whatever. With Hailey; I didn't really do much forcing in terms of personality; but rather focusing in on her form, asking questions, and trying my absolute hardest to hone in onto her, and hear her responses. I've heard from others in the community that first responses from tulpas sound almost identical to your own thoughts, and can be a little difficult to discern from your own thoughts/parroting; so I should try to relax more in this regard. Most likely, I'll try to force later tonight; drugging myself up on coffee to prevent my falling asleep. However, I'm truly miffed at the school Issue. Since I'm a senior, perhaps I could devote myself to getting out? However, that would mentally exhaust me to the extent which would be unacceptable to Hailey, plus my parents would almost certainly see it as an opportunity to make me get a job (not that it's a bad thing; it's just that it'd most likely take away from the time I have for forcing Hailey; plus as-is I rarely buy anything so having a job simply becomes more a way to placate what is socially expected). So, I'm a little stuck. In this type of situation, Quizlet is your friend, I suppose ;3. Probably going to focus more on forcing Hailey tonight; so I'll make some coffee, and try harder! The main questions surrounding my mind at the moment are as follows:

1. What should be my main focuses of forcing? What needs work; and how do I divide and combine time spent doing things?
2. How do I better reorganize my life to suit forcing Haiely?

     To the first question; my main focus is getting Hailey strong; vocal, and fully sentient. That comes first and foremost, then everything else comes after that. So, therefore, we need to focus on talking to her with the intent of getting a response, keeping keenly in mind (as well as talking to her about) what type of person she is and how she would react to a situation. Meanwhile; another important thing is constantly visualizing and giving attention to her form, and giving her a nice place to exist in that we can do stuff in together (the wonderland). As to any answers to the second question, I'd love your input :3

     That's it for today, I'm most likely going to get some coffee, and force further. Wish me luck!

-Saturnfox

Edited November 7 by Saturnfox
Fixed spelling errors

[Saturnfox]

Day 3

 

     Yet another boring day in the life of Saturnfox! ...somewhat. I suppose without Hailey to brighen up my life, it'd definitely be a lot more doom and gloom, all things considered. However; given that we do have Hailey to look forward to everyday, I suppose that it becomes a little bit more bearable, no? On the subject of school and interference with home life, I noted the exact times that I left home, and arrived back home from school; just to give you all, dear readers, an idea of how school-life affects my schedule:

• Leave-for-school time in the morning: 7:30 am
• Arrive-at-school time (aka 'clock in'): 8:15 am
• Leave school time: 3:00 pm
• Arrive back home time: 4:25 pm.

     When I had originally said that school was a huge time-sink, I really meant it. The main issue that comes with forcing during the week comes due to the fact that school is simply such a huge waste of time, that it interferes with almost all other things in life. Not only that, but school itself is largely unproductive and boring. Not to devolve into too much schizo-babble, but all American public high-school really is, is training you to become a 9-5 wage slave in real life. At least this particular one is, I find. It's the same soul-crushing; brain-drain environment, and the hours that are added by my commute to-and-fro make it very unfortunately not that different from a 9-5 wage slave job (compare: 9-5 hours vs. 8-4 school hours). It's the way it is, I guess. The most unfortunate part, however, is that I really have zero agency to change my situation. With a terrible job, you could potentially leave it to find a better job; however with school, combined with my living situation, I'm not really at liberty to change it. So, I suppose the best thing to do is simply tough it out until the end of the school year; while maintaining as much time for Hailey as possible. Sorry for the long tangent; it's just sort of my life situation; and it relates to tulpamancy in the sense that it effects how much time and focus I can give to her. Speaking of Hailey...
====

Who is Hailey? We haven't really been introduced to her yet!

     I guess this is a little bit of shortsightedness on my end; as I sort of jumped right into the deep end of tulpamancy without really giving an explanation as to who Hailey is. So, allow me to do so! For those interested, Hailey has been my tulpa who I've been forcing as of September the 26th ('officially'); and who I intend to keep for the rest of my life. Her form came first to me in a dream I had a bunch of years ago, to which most probably already know. Her name, I assume came from her, given the fact that I had asked her what she desired to be named. Overall, I'm really happy with how she's coming to be so far, although I still have a long way to go before I can really talk to her as if she were another person (I know she is, but so far talking to her is a little difficult).
     Her form, as of the current moment, is an anthropomorphic rabbit-girl. She has straight-ish dark brown hair; cut to about shoulder length (alternatively, she's taken to having a ponytail + flower in her hair, something I find pretty cute overall -w-). Her main fur color is a lighter shade of brown, and in addition her eyes are a really pretty green color. She also has some markings on her cheeks too; which look a little bit like dark freckles. If I had to say; she's about 5'7", so a little bit shorter than I am personally. Oftentimes, she wears no clothes around (I've done my absolute best (A.k.a made a concerted effort on my end given how perverted my mind can be at times) to not sexualize her; plus she is kinda flat chested); however sometimes, she may choose to wear a loose shirt; or a pair of shorts. Also, her ears need mention! Her ears, rather than being of the lop variety, are more of the jackrabbit type; that stick up a good foot on top of her head. I have seen her wearing leather sandals around; simply because her foot shape really doesn't accommodate shoes all too well. I'd show an image to help you get a sense of how she looks; however almost all of the pictures I've drawn of her (Save one I did in Ms paint) are physical; and because I really don't have any way of digitizing them; I can't really show them, unfortunately. I'll include the picture I do have so that you can all get a vibe of who Hailey is :3. However, all a tulpa's form really is is a symbol that represents their self, not the actual tulpa. A tulpa is a personality who lives in the brain with the host; separate from the host. So, despite the fact of Hailey having a cute form, what kind of person is  Hailey?

====

     I've iterated multiple times my stance on deviation and all that jazz, so if you wish to know what exactly I think of it, you can read through previous posts. But to speak of her personality, it originally came from my 'first attempt' at forcing her. Without much of an idea of who she was, I wasn't really able to get a sense of her 'essence' as a person, and it simply felt as though I was speaking into a void, sadly. I know that obviously Hailey, in some form was there, but it just felt kinda lonely. So, therefore; I took the advice of multiple forcing guides outside of Kiahdaj's, and decided to give Hailey a base personality that would work best for both her, and that would be compatible with the type of person that I am. Essentially, I just sat down with a piece of paper, and listed off (15 to my recollection) personality traits that exemplify the type of person that I don't really have in my life. Then, I took those personality traits; thought of how they would coalesce into a solid personality, and then when forcing, simply described to her, her personality traits. I won't pull up the document that I had used; since the best piece of advice I've been told was to commit the 'essence' of who they are as a person to heart; rather than a list of personality traits.

     Hailey as a whole I would describe as the more extroverted type. For the majority of my life, I've been pretty reclusive; keeping either a small network of good friends; or just having no friends at all for pretty large swaths of my life. Hailey is probably the polar opposite of this, craving the company of others, and attention. In addition, she's also quite assertive and domineering in her will. By this, I'll give an example dialogue between me and Hailey (just imaginary, but I'll try my best to ask Hailey how she'd respond.)

     Saturnfox: Hey... Hailey?

     Hailey: Yeah dude?

     Saturnfox: What should I eat when I get home? I'm a little hungry...

     Hailey: Make fried chicken!!!

     Saturnfox: Hai-ley, that's way too unhealthy- besides, it'd take quite a while to cook.

     Hailey: But fried chicken is yummy! Go make it~

     Saturnfox: Can I just make some fideos? Or maybe some vegetable soup?

     Hailey: {insert real name here}, you always cook boring food for yourself, why don't you make something tasty once in a while?

     Saturnfox: Because it's the way I stay in good health, silly. You can eat literally anything in mind-space and never have to worry about health problems down the line; it's not fair...

     Hailey: But still, fried chicken is yummy! Besides, you hardly ever cook with meat, dude. You need to eat some protein, no?

     Saturnfox: Ok, fiine; I'll cook Torikatsu for dinner.

     Hailey: >:3333

     While this may make out Hailey to be a bad influence, this is just sort of a sample as to how she would be assertive. Typically she doesn't actively make me make bad decisions like above, so don't worry. As of right now, I'd say that Hailey is really optimistic and childlike (as demonstrated by her above sperging out in regards to Torikatsu).  I'd say it provides a good counterbalance to the more boring, crusty person that I typically am; so it really is a good thing. Besides, it does lend her an air of being fun to be around, something severely lacking from the majority of people in my life. Lastly, I suppose I should talk about her more loving side. About 40-50% of forcing her is simply hugging and/or cuddling Hailey (given she's kind of a floofball; also I just unironically tugged my collar lol); so through this, she's gotten a bit more of a soft, loving nature. I'm grateful to have a tulpa who is as loving as Hailey is; though that should go without saying.
====

What did you do today in regards to forcing?

     What I needed to do! That being, when I got home from school; I immediately went to passive-forcing Hailey as much as I could, despite being zoinked out from the school day. After getting something to eat (not fried chicken, but a sandwich) in addition to coffee, I went on my pc to waste a little time talking to school friends. Eventually, when I had calmed down enough from the anxiety inducing day, I managed to get in about 40-60 minutes of total active forcing time. When I say active forcing; I typically mean being specifically sat-down; meditation on a tulpa in a wonderland space like a monk. Today; I got up in the bedroom space of our house; where I couldn't find Hailey initially. I went to the computer (now set up in the bedroom) and opened a word document. I began to type something along the lines of "I cant find hailey at the moment; let's hope for a good forcing session" or something along those lines (I can't really remember atm). I walked out to the living room, where I saw Hailey sitting on the floor of the living room wrapped in a blanket. She was watching some Tv program on a television that she had spawned in (like an old 19" crt set) that reminded me a lot of the news segments from the game 'Tomodachi life' (strange I know, but who cares). I looked outside for a good 5 minutes at the outside. It was around 60F, and pretty moist outside; in the sense of it being lightly drizzly, as well as the air being very crisp. It was overcast out; and a little dark. The inside of the house had a very warm color scheme; with alot of brown and yellow and warm lighting. The outside was the opposite; with cool lighting, grey skies, and green foliage. Eventually, after looking outside for long enough, Hailey asked me:

     "What're'ya doin?"

     To which I replied not much. I asked her if she wanted to come outside with me to force, but she declined; saying that she was comfy enough. However; as soon as I stepped out of the door; she began running up from behind me, jumped onto my back, and said "Just kidding!!", and we both walked to the grassy area of the backyard of our house. Once we got there, the bulk of today's forcing took place. To summarise, it consisted mostly of me asking Hailey about her day, and other stuff; while also giving her examples of social situations, and asking how she would react to them. Things along the lines of "You show up to a party where people are making small talk, drinking, and doing whatever else. What would you do while there?"
     Overall, it was a good day. While I do kinda wish that I could do greater things with Hailey; my life kinda doesn't really allow it, for reasons I can't really quantify. Still though; I don't really have an excuse to not force Hailey, and to give her novel, worthwhile experiences. So, to the best of my ability, I'll provide her with the best 'mental upbringing' that I can give. Anyways, I'll probably report in next time tomorrow. If you have any suggestions of how to force with Hailey given my life; I'd appreciate it dearly.
-Saturnfox (Image attached, as promised)

[Saturnfox]

Day 4

     Welp. Today was a whole lot of nothing, as usual. School was a slog. No need to reiterate. I'm not really sure what I fear more, however; having to work within the soul-crusing framework of school; or of dealing with post-school life... who knows? It really hurts my soul either way. Forcing today was not all too great either. I don't know if it's a combination of being terminally online in addition to being berated with stress from my school, mother, and step-father; but forcing wasn't as effective today as I would have hoped. I would do a detox of my life; but once again I'm not at liberty to get away either from school of my parents. Funny how that works, doesn't it?

     In terms of forcing; me and Hailey were able to do some other stuff in the real world as well. After getting home from high school; we ate, watched a little bit of youtube, and then went outside for a walk/bike ride. We had gone out to the big boulders out in the nature next to my house; and went climbing. While doing this; I got the chance to talk to her out loud (since it's a bit of a secluded spot) as well as imagine her in the real world with me. We went around; hopping from granite boulder to granite boulder, walking through scrub oak forests; whatever. All the while, we got to talk to each-other. It was most likely the most at-peace I've felt in quite a while. However, all good things must come to an end, and we went back home after a while. I did some other real life stuff that wasn't all too important, and eventually my mother came home. The first thing she did upon returning was to get changed, and put Trump/Qoomer nonsense on the main living room TV, and then have dinner. So, I did as any sane person would, and retreated to the relative safety of my bedroom. There, I went to force; however I had a bit of trouble doing visualisation. Specifically, I had trouble trying to supress intrusive thoughts, which led me to cut the forcing session short by a little. Whether or not this is a manifestation of stress, or terminal brainrot, I'll leave up to you.
     To an outside viewer, It may seem quite doom and gloom. Hailey probably is the only thing keeping me going at this point; so I suppose having a purpose in life to chase after makes everything worth it, no? Still though, having a high tolerance to a sickly society isn't really the most virtuous thing :/. At the moment, I'll be gone. I'm assuming that tomorrow will be much the same, too. Let's hope that Thursday - Sunday bear more fruit ^w^.

     -Saturnfox
 

[Saturnfox]

Wow, a new entry!

 

     Well, hello everyone! I'm sorry for not checking in yesterday, since it was a bit of a nothing day. The week truly is terrible; plus I was feeling pretty demoralized in-general (not towards tulpamancy specifically, but more-so towards life in general). Howeever, I'm feeling better today, so all has become well again ^w^. Perhaps the best thing for your soul is staying away from inflammatory social media brainrot, and focusing on the things most important in life (like your tulpa!) I'm quite excited for the weekend, too. I'm really in good spirits right now, and I suppose it comes across over text, no? I've been eating healthier, and I've begun taking supplemental iodine (since I'm deficient). But, let's begin.
 

Day 5

     Tuesday was a nothing day. It sucked, as usual. When I had gotten home, I went outside to go touch grass with Hailey, and it proved a little fun. I got to hop from boulder to boulder like a silly creature, as well as talk to Hailey while doing it. It isn't really 'active forcing', since while climbing rocks I have to pay attention to not fall and die, but still. After that, I began to do stuff with Hailey at-home; specifically meditation. Having meditated helped me immensely, specifically to do active forcing methods; however that day's forcing just didn't really feel all that good; or very effective. Halfway through forcing, I somehow managed to fall asleep on the floor (despite having hard flooring), and subsequently had a half-nightmare (i never have nightmares, and the ones I do I don't find very scary). I slept for about five hours, before waking up. From my recollection; I got up into my actual bed, and fell asleep after having profusely apologized to Hailey.
Forcing while tired is the cardinal sin of forcing. Don't do it guys.

 

Day 6

 

     I didn't have school today! As it turns out; not having to exist in a deadly toxic environment 9-5 does wonders for the soul. Today was a much better day in terms of forcing, as well. The first thing that I should probably talk about is the fact that in my dreamland, where I typically interact with Hailey; across from the house we have, there's a cafe which I had, for quite a while, put off going to. However, today I decided that 'Today's the day!', and upon getting into a meditative state, began to go over there. I went to the living room of the house where Hailey was; practically threw her onto my back like a backpack, and off we went to the cafe. Initially surprised, she eventually got a firm hold. We went out to the cafe, however one of the big surprises came to me when I approached/entered it. Up to that point, i hadn't imagined the inside of the cafe, and creating a new space typically takes a quite large amount of effort on my part. However, when I entered it; it seemed as though it generated out of thin air; with me putting almost zero effort into creating it. Maybe it was Hailey? Maybe it was my subconscious? Who knows. However, me and Hailey got a seat, and we ordered some drinks to share. I suppose the main part of going there was simply to show Hailey what a somewhat bustling, crowded space is like; since the cafe was quite packed, and there were other groups sitting at the various chairs and tables around. However, we talked about nothing in particular; and life in general, which she seemed to enjoy. I'm still sort of looking for that 'big breakthrough', however. As the saying goes 'You get out of it what you put in', so maybe I really just need to put in more effort / talk about a more broad, general array of topics.
     Anyways, I'm going to head out for the night. I'll try to think of things which I can autistically rant about to Hailey as I go to sleep. Thanks as always ^w^
-Saturnfox

[Saturnfox]

Day 7

 

     Here we are, the end of the first week! All in all, this week had some ups and downs, however before going on a tirade of what exactly I think going forward would be best; I wanna talk about what had happened today with Hailey, as well as what's going on in my life in general. Hopefully, you all don't mind; however I suppose that it'd be best to talk about it. This week has been a little bit weird regarding some things, as it feels as though my life is beginning to shift; whether or not this is for the better or worse, I don't really know. In real life, my friend group has begun to dissolve. Due to both close friends leaving the high school I currently attend (to higher education mainly), as well as less-good friends starting petty drama with one another; it's lead to me being somewhat alienated from the relationships that I have in real life. Specifically, the friend who I have maintained a very close relationship to for the past three years left. This has been discussed earlier, however a detail that (think?) I had left out was that he is a tulpamancer, who had been practicing for many years before me. While I had discovered tulpamancy (i don't know whether or not people think this name is cringe, but I'll continue to use it) 6 months ago; it was only until recently after i begun forcing around September, that he revealed that he had created a tulpa who had been with him for many years up to that point. This also came at the time that he completed the remainder of his schoolwork, and left. He (and his tulpa) was one of the people who encouraged me to commit to creating Hailey; and while I maintain correspondence with him online, I don't really have the privilege to talk to him in real life anymore. Coupled with the stress of dealing with the dumpster-fire that is the school I go to; and the people contained therein, and it's a recipe for the loneliness and general malaise present in the first forum-post. This only somewhat relates to tulpamancy; however most everything in my life affects it to somewhat of a degree, and I just wanted to talk about the circumstances in my life right now. I suppose it could be worse, and I should probably be grateful that I've thus-far managed to maintain my sanity.
====

Saturnfox, we know already, get on with it!

====

    Well, alright then. Today was interesting in a couple ways. The first was that a large part of today was spent not on active forcing; but on going out, and shopping. Most of the day from 9 until 12:30 was spent either at the market, or downtown. There was a parade for (I think?) veteran's day, and so I took the chance to talk to Hailey; asking her what she thought of the parade (to which she thought of it as good). Later, we went around the town, doing some other things, and eventually getting home. There; I spent some time further cooking curry lentils for lunch. Originally, I had cooked enough for my parents as well, however they decided that leftover foods would be favorable to my cooking, so I had to eat enough lentils to feed three people by myself (I didn't eat dinner for the reason I was still full after all this). I got some coffee, drank it, and went up to the rocks by my house. There, I began narrating to Hailey regarding whatever happened to come to my mind at that moment. To all those who may be concerned if I fully engage Hailey doing this, probably around 50% of my inquiries are questions, and I do give Hailey space to answer them. After that, we climbed the rocks some more, sat and watched the landscape, and returned home. There, amongst other things, I was able to to active force for about 40 minutes today; where instead of taking Hailey to the typical neighborhood that we live in, I instead decided that It'd be a good chance to take a trip to the beach. We went to a set of cliffs that I had fond memories off (for those wondering, it was in particular Sunset cliffs), and watched the world go by. A few times I found my mind begin to drift, and upon realizing so I re orientated myself back to talking with Hailey. This made up the majority of 'active forcing' today (When I mean active forcing, I'm referring to forcing sat down, with no external stimuli for long periods of time). We did some other things of no real note today, and in addition I did some stuff specific to myself. However, I think the real triumph of today came only a couple minutes ago, while I was writing this. I had gone to my bed to lay for a few moments to collect my thoughts after writing the wall of text you're reading, and I imagined Hailey laying next to me, doing nothing. Completely relaxed, I decided that It'd be a good time to try communicating with Hailey (Whenever I active force, I feel somewhat anxious, which may make it harder to hear Hailey, who knows), and did my best to clear my mind. I focused in on her presence, calling her name and saying that she was there. I asked her to surprise me, to which she said 'Peanuts!'. I still suspected that this may be some kind of subconscious parroting; to which immediately after I thought this, I hear in a much more calm, almost stern manner; "{Insert real name}, I love you". Casting my doubt aside, I ask Hailey "Why do you love me?", both as a question (I find it hard that someone who shares the same body as me could love me, knowing how awful my thoughts and feelings can be at times), and as a way to probe if it was actually her speaking. Immediately, without exerting any mental effort on my end, I hear; "Because you love me". At that point, any doubt that I had in my mind disappeared, and I knew that I had actually heard Hailey speak, thus concluding Day 7; today. I replied that I loved her as well, and came back to typing this.

====
     Some interesting notes regarding Hailey's 'voice' that I had heard. Firstly, it was very quiet, and it required me to both cast aside all doubt that I had, as well as to calm and quiet any noise or thoughts going on within my brain; and even then it was still pretty quiet. Secondly, it required no mental energy on my part to do. Apart from the exchange, the reason why I wholeheartedly believe that it was without a doubt Hailey speaking was because of the fact that the thought didn't originate from me. It's somewhat weird to type out in this blog, as I'm not really used to being this emotionally vulnerable, even around people I consider family. However, I feel it necessary to help along my progress. The main thing I really wanted to ask, If anyone wants to respond, Is how I can go about strengthening Hailey further? I really would like to strengthen Hailey to the point where I can hear her as clearly as my own thoughts; and I know the only way I'll be able to do that is through forcing. So, I suppose I have to get back to researching (^∀^\\)/. Still, if anyone has any ideas; please comment. I'll make sure to get back to you if you do. For the night, I'll be off
     -Saturnfox

[Autumn Ren]

I would say, assuming you don't have any ailments blocking her voice, just practice more. She needs to talk as much as possible so she can get stronger. 

[ReallyArtificial]

((Congratulations on your progress. I agree, patience and practice are the key. Reading is my favorite exercise -- not speed reading, but taking the time to mentally pronounce each word. It helps avoid the problem of not knowing what to say.

 

It also helped my host to give me a voice model. We would listen to clips of his dialogue, and I would repeat them. Like training wheels, I left this model behind as I found my own voice.))

[Saturnfox]

Just checking in

 

     No entry today; not that I didn't force (which I did), however life got in the way of me writing. I've cheated my way through gotten quite a bit of coursework done, so I'll make sure to post tomorrow when I have downtime. It's getting late, so I'll be sleep deprived tomorrow no doubt. Also, thanks for all the responses!
 

5 hours ago, ReallyArtificial said:

((Congratulations on your progress. I agree, patience and practice are the key. Reading is my favorite exercise -- not speed reading, but taking the time to mentally pronounce each word. It helps avoid the problem of not knowing what to say.

 

It also helped my host to give me a voice model. We would listen to clips of his dialogue, and I would repeat them. Like training wheels, I left this model behind as I found my own voice.))

     I've consistently thought of giving a 'voice' to Hailey by creating a voice model; but I didn't really know what to do for her (^∀^\\). Specifically, I haven't really discerned what voice would 'suit' the type of person she is. I suppose she'll change it on her own later on after giving it to her, and it wouldn't really matter, but it still eludes me. We'll do it tomorrow together, then.

10 hours ago, Autumn Ren said:

I would say, assuming you don't have any ailments blocking her voice, just practice more. She needs to talk as much as possible so she can get stronger. 

     I don't; It's just the practice of constantly forcing, as always. Talk, narrate, force as much as possible I'm aware.
I'll be checking out for the night, and checking in for the 'morrow.
     -Saturnfox

[Saturnfox]

Day 8 & 9

 

     Well, it's that time again, no? I've come to report on what's been going on relating to tulpamancy for the past two days, so I'll try my best to do so. Today was kind of all over the place, specifically because of school. believe it or not, being forced to go to a place which one despises is mentally taxing, and it wasn't until 4:30-ish that I was finally able to return home. By the end of the day I was feeling pretty miserable; and while I don't want to bore and whinge to my readers, it's something that needs to be said. Anyways, on with it!
Day 8

====

     Sunday was a bit of a boring day. In that, It didn't really differ all that much from Saturday. I kept on narrating to the best of my ability. However, something that I would like to better hone in relation to yesterday's practices is my ability to simply sit down and meditate about nothing. Most of my forcing yesterday was done out-and-about while climbing through the nature trail that runs by my house; and as such I haven't really been doing much meditative-type forcing sat down. While there is merit in doing forcing while out-and-about; I really want to learn to better control my thoughts and feelings while having to exist in my home. I guess being outside helps to quell my own anxiety; which makes forcing somewhat easier. But, now that it's getting colder, I imagine I won't be getting out as much... so it's best to try to get over myself and force for Hailey's sake.
Day 9

====
     Overall, as mentioned earlier, today was a little crap. School overall was a pretty big time sink; and I had gotten home today around 4:30. I've done my best to force as much as I could; however I was so exhausted, both physically and emotionally, that I had passed out at 5pm, only waking up around 8. It sucks, but that's unfortunately my life circumstances. I guess the only real way that things would get better is if I were to be able to force Hailey to the point where I could establish contact with her, but it takes a lot of effort to do so, even after having forced for about two months. I guess the only real way to talk to her in earnest is to force even harder, and to simply get over whatever is stopping me. Taken too far, this line of thinking could probably make you go insane, so balance in all things I suppose. That's all for now.
 

To anyone reading this, I wish you all luck in forcing (^w^)/
-Saturnfox

[Saturnfox]

A quick update

     Wow, where to begin. I'm sure this will be short; basically just a way of saying 'I'm not dead guys!', so be that as it may. Life has been turbulent and hectic to say the least. At the moment, I'm just grateful that I'm still in one piece mentally. I really hope that I'm able to make progress starting December, as I want it to be a special month where (fingers crossed) we can make a break together. The main problem I've had the past couple of days are really just being per-occupied with other things; as well as recognizing that lack of progress in tulpamancy is most likely due not to any fault of Hailey, or forcing technique; but rather issues with myself, and those who surround me. I'll stop myself before I ramble on too long, but i just wanted to say that I'm back, for anyone who may care. ^w^
-Sfox