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Help! My very old tulpa is losing his identity?


RuandLee

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Hi! I'm new here and kind of stumbled here while looking for information about the other person in my head-- I had no idea what a tulpa was a few hours ago but it seems like he fits the bill perfectly! 

Here's a little optional history: 
I accidentally created Lee when I was 13. I was neglected by my parents so he kind of popped in and started taking care of me. He made sure I fed myself, did my schoolwork, went to college, and learned to drive. I have 4 others in my head, but they take more of a passive role and hang out more in the wonderland, but Lee was always very active and almost always blathering on about something.

I went to college for an ambitious degree that required a LOT of time and energy and they all suddenly went dormant. I remember the night it happened-- there was the presence of others in my mind and suddenly I felt frighteningly alone. I felt abandoned. I was loosing my ability to think clearly and recall long term memories at that point, but I didn't anticipate losing them too. 
One morning, 3 years later, there was Lee staring down at me when I awoke. I was so overjoyed I cried. After a long conversation he explained that he pulled everyone into dormancy to try to lessen the amount of stress on my brain, and also to shelter in place while my brain tore itself apart. They were all very understanding but I still feel bad for it happening.

Lee has been around for 13 years-ish and he's changed and grown with me. They all have. I truly have no control over them-- it concerned me so I brought it up to my therapist last year who said they probably started out as imaginary friends to help cope with isolation but then integrated into my subconsciousness, but it was perfectly normal.

With all that out of the way, here's the current issue: 

He tells me he feels exhausted all the time. He says he doesn't want to leave me again, but he's definitely not as vocal as the others anymore. He's been off doing his own things more, less present, chimes in less.  I never get the feeling he doesn't love and care about me deeply, but I also get the feeling that it's my attachment to HIM that keeps him around.  I just got him back last year and I'm terrified of losing him again. I'm hanging on tight but I don't want to stifle him. 

The other issue is his identity feels very diffuse and fragmented. His identity is like a broken mirror. Sometimes when we talk it's like I'm talking to a different "version" of him-- like a version from 2013 when he was more obsessed with science, or a version from 2017 when he went through his hippie phase. There's no rhyme or reason to which one I'm talking to, and I've even talked to 2 different versions at once. We've talked about it and he explained that he took a hard hit from the trauma I went through and is trying to regain his sense of self, which ended up as all these different "fragments" of himself existing in the same space.  We're working on it-- I think the term would be "forcing"-- interacting a lot to try to figure out what's his true identity and what's not. If anything, with him not being around as much, he's fading more, which only makes me more desperate to hold onto him. 
We have a really good relationship! We're best friends! But he says my brain just doesn't have as much energy anymore to sustain him and he's worried he's putting a strain on my mind. I've told him repeatedly that  I'd sacrifice whatever I need to to keep him here, but he's also a chronic self-sacrificer so it doesn't get us anywhere. What's interesting is the other 4 are having NO problems with their identities, with piping up on their own, or having energy. It's just Lee. 

TL;DR: Does anyone have any advice or experience with a very old tulpa who used to be very concrete and verbal becomes more quiet and diffuse even though the host is forcing quite a bit?
 

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The only things I can suggest are personality forcing where you offer scenarios and let him decide things and do things in imagination, spend a dedicated time with him every day like on a morning walk, and make something his, like a task that he does every day. The only way to strengthen a headmate is to associate them with your life and this forcing is how you do it.

Edited by Autumn Ren
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Oh!! This is really really helpful, thank you so much! We'll definitely try it! The idea of having something that's his, like a task, is something that I hadn't even considered. Maybe he needs more things that are his. 

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Yes! I have the task of posting here and other places online as well as a secret task that helps my host. Not surprisingly, my help is very important so I have to be active, so I am constantly reinforced.

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  • 4 weeks later...

What helped me to make my older tulpas more fully-realized was to apply some tulpaforcing practices, and also to have a lot of philosphical discussions with them about what being alive means for them, what they want out of life, what role they'd like to have in the system, etc. I'd suggest reading some guides and finding some forcing exercises to do with Lee.

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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