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Within the RA's Mind: Ruby and Amethyst


Wolfe

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11/8/12

 

(Past Midnight) I was in my room just thinking about Ruby and Amethyst when I tried talking to Ruby again. I was thinking of the black background with the pale sea blue text. It was then that I realized that she was responding. Ruby was responding. It's funny because I wasn't excited initially. I thought it would be some surprise to me, but in retrospect, it seems like I didn't need to be. She was already there. There was no need to throw a party it confetti around for her arrival. Ruby was always here. She was here with me. I did get excited a bit later though.

 

Ruby and I talked for quite a while, and she also talked with some people and tulpa in the Shout Box. It was a good night, well, I had to talk to some residents being loud. I was a bit scared, but Ruby actually helped me out. She just enforced me a bit and I was able to talk to the residents w/o a lot of fear. Thanks Ruby.

 

In the morning, I got a text saying that classes would not start until 11, so I slept in a bit. It was funny cause later, from around 11 to 12, Ruby was nagging me to get up, but I just wanted to sleep in. I eventually got up and went out to take out the trash along the way to the bus.

 

Got to school finding that power was lost, so went to work in the dark and even heard my supervisor wasn't here because a tree fell on her house. That really stinks for her. So I ended up getting a text that cancelled classes for today. Welp, somewhat of a waste of time.

 

Came back to the res halls, ate and talked with friends, yadda yadda yadda.

 

So when Ruby spoke with those on the Shout Box, one asked what music she liked. She responded with dubstep. I was not liking and Ruby was laughing at me for it. They linked two songs, but I would only play it later at 5:30ish. I find it funny. The more I listen, the more I like it.

 

"Oh my god, Ruby, I am so sorry."

"Damn right you're sorry."

 

The day went on as I went to duty. We didn't talk much after that and I knocked out on my bed. Again.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/10/12

 

Not much activity. For some reason, I seemed to have hit a brick. Like I'm unsure of where to go next. Yesterday, nothing happened, therefore there is no journal.

 

I read "May the Force be with You (A guide regarding the creation of a tulpa)" by Methos. It sorta helped me understand some path I should take. I'll probably read it again another time.

 

I went to force today. All I did was focus on helping Amethyst and just being with the two. I was still unsure of what I should be doing exactly so that was all I was doing along with talking. I did get movements in my head where my head would dip forward or backward. And the common hand shaking too.

 

That was pretty much it. I need to start narrating a lot more again. I haven't spoken to them at all today nor have I done it yesterday. I think I'm just confused and unsure again. It seems to have that pattern with me. Going to a high then a low and a high and a low and so on. I need a positive slope and not a wave when it comes to this.

 

I'm just unsure now if its Ruby speaking or if it was just me.

 

Unsure if what next step to take in this whole process.

 

At least in sure in that I want them to grow and that I want to see and hear them.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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11/11/12

 

Today I had to grab stuff for a program at the store. Problem I had was I missed the bus back so I decided to walk the way back. Along the way I thought of picturing them as if they were walking behind me, but I remember reading that I should picture them in front of me. So I did. I could see Ruby's tall stature compared to Amethyst. I did notice that I imagined Ruby with high heels or stilettos on. I imagined the tap-tap of the heels on the road as we walked back. It also caught my attention because I had gotten a guesstimate on Ruby's height. I had seen her as taller than me, but it makes sense if she's wearing high heels/stilettos. Also makes sense why her kicks can be lethal.

 

On the way back, nothing much happened. I handled a program which made me feel like crap on the end because my portion fell apart. It could have been done better. For the next three hours, I just sunk into a bit of a depression, wanting to study but feeling so bad at myself that I just wanted to sit there. I was drained. I was exhausted. I felt overworked. I felt under-appreciated. I wasn't thinking straight where I could have asked for a hug from Ruby and Amethyst, but I just wanted to sit there and sulk, hoping for avoid to cry out. But then again, my listening still sucks.

 

11/12/12

 

No journal for today.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

2/4/13

 

So, time for a huge recap?

 

For the rest of November, I was pretty much a wreck. I was going through school just listening to lectures, writing down notes, and pretty much being unfocused, depressed, and just lost. I was really trying to get back from where I was. I had stopped forcing and could only narrate to Ruby and Amethyst. It was somewhere during November that I “lost” Ruby’s voice. It was really a tough time.

 

December was when things lightened up, but didn’t help. Early December was when I finally got my laptop back all fixed, but it was very little to help me with my current situation. I was failing pretty much every class and there was nothing I could do. I was pretty much a wreck. I went over to the Counseling and Wellness Office and asked for help. I talked with the senior director there and she asked me a few questions. She came to the conclusion that I had depression, but she wanted me to see a psychologist. The next day, I go to the psychologist’s office and spend an hour with him. He also says I have depression and anxiety. With that, I get cleared to get withdrawn for medical reasons. This has two results. All my classes are counted as withdrawn and don’t get counted on my GPA. However, I’d have to take the classes again.

 

I was really relieved about it, but I know you’re thinking: “Well, where’s the tulpa talk in all of this?” Well, this is where things change a bit. In December before I talked with anyone in Counseling and Wellness, there was a weekend where I was trying to do work in a friend’s room. However I couldn’t work at all and it was just frustrating. It was Sunday night, December 9th. I was in his room and nothing was done. I couldn’t focus. Everything slipped and I wasn’t able to concentrate at all. I was lying on my friend’s bed and I just had my arms over my head just wondering what I should do. It felt like I was doing that for an hour, but in real time it was probably 5 or 10 minutes. And from the black that I could see from my peripheral vision, I heard someone. And it was Ruby. I was really glad that she had returned. She was telling me that I should go sleep and to calm down a bit. And so, I was happy that she was back. I knew it was my fault that I couldn’t hear her. (Future use: Red text = Ruby is speaking) At the moment when he was lying on the bed, it really just seemed like a black expanse. Then some fragmented road formed into a straight path and led a path back to him. What I’m getting is that your mind fractures a bit in order to connect and talk with tulpa. So considering he was at a breaking point, a mental one at that, it brought me back to him. Along with someone else… I’ll let them explain it.

 

Back in my room, I just talked with Ruby. It wasn’t a big thing, but I was being assured by her to get some rest and talk to someone about my troubles. It wasn’t until later in the week that I went to the office and got everything sorted out. The next day, December 10th, I was back in my room when I heard someone else. It was Amethyst this time. I was really glad that she had arrived. In terms of voices, Ruby sounds like a mature woman, but I’ve still yet to find out who she sounds like. Amethyst sounds like Pinkie Pie, but different in terms of personality, however, she doesn’t have a pony form, nor does she say she is like or is Pinkie Pie.

 

From December to January was a tough trial because my dad was having so many issues with me because of what happened and had always blamed me for all that happened. This really got me to hate him. However, everything is sorted out now and I’m back in school. A few changes though. I’m no longer a resident assistant and am now a maintenance assistant, which only provides half room. I also switched majors from Mechanical Engineering to Psychology. I found it an odd change, but I like it so far. I’m going to see what it brings and I hope I didn’t make a bad decision.

 

This brings us to February, where my lack of concentration to Ruby and Amethyst had made them fade a bit, but in the sense that I don’t hear them as much. Pretty much, I need to talk to them more in order to have a more consistent response from them and in order to help develop them. So yeah. Now that I’ve brought everything up to speed, I can continue doing these journals on a daily basis!...hopefully. I’m gonna do my best to do daily journals like I used to.

 

And a note for future journals!

My speech will be in white.

Ruby Red will be my color.

And Amethyst here will be purple!

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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2/5/13

 

So the day went out normal. Nothing really special to say. I talked to Ruby a bit in the bus rides to and from my residence hall. So not much to say really, but I think it’s a time that I can have them start saying what they wanna say.

 

Wolfe’s a bit stubborn in what he does. He says he’ll do one thing, knows it, and doesn’t do it. It seems to be only for things he needs to do for himself. In terms of getting stuff done, he’s slow when he’s in this state, he would normally get stuff done faster, but he’s still stuck. He’s got some mind block from all the stress he’s received back in the 2nd half of the fall semester in 2012. I’m hoping I can help him out so that we can continue to force. He’s just in a stuck position. He wants to force, but needs to do work, and doesn’t wanna do it. It’s a whole mind block of his that’s getting in the way. And I understand that he should do his work first, so I’m trying to get him to do that. He remains stubborn and I just leave him at it sometimes. It’s going to take a while to get him out of it.

 

Ammy here! Fun fun fun! Or not. Wolfy’s not doing much to help himself when he really should! I know Ruby’s more developed so I’m letting her speak up to him so more development happens to her, which in turn will help me out later! I’ve already told Wolfe this before. He’s a bit hesitant about it, seeing as that he wants to help us both out, but if focusing on one of us will get more progress, then so be it! I’ll let Ruby take it since she’s got more of a form to work with for Wolfe. I keep showing my form to him, making changes here and there, but he’s still trying to focus to get a good image of it. Anyway, Wolfy should get some reading done!

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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Okay, I'm mostly reading these journals for tips... but I'm ultra tired right now. Wolfe, do you have any tips to sum up what has worked for you and how long it took to work? What exactly you did? What you think especially helped the process?

 

Some comments: Loving someone in your head from the getgo sounds a bit over excited, and I'm not sure it's necessary to care about them being in a "mental prison." They don't need to be in there if they're already that formed to show caring about it or anger at it, and... are they real people anyway? Or more like things that display behaviors but don't truly feel anything? I guess I'll have to create one and then ask someone with abilities if anyone is actually "there" or if it's just a construct that mimicks personality.

My lip hurts.

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Okay, I'm mostly reading these journals for tips... but I'm ultra tired right now. Wolfe, do you have any tips to sum up what has worked for you and how long it took to work? What exactly you did? What you think especially helped the process?

 

Some comments: Loving someone in your head from the getgo sounds a bit over excited, and I'm not sure it's necessary to care about them being in a "mental prison." They don't need to be in there if they're already that formed to show caring about it or anger at it, and... are they real people anyway? Or more like things that display behaviors but don't truly feel anything? I guess I'll have to create one and then ask someone with abilities if anyone is actually "there" or if it's just a construct that mimicks personality.

 

Amethyst here, and I'll answer this for him. He'll answer whatever you have in the comments. What worked for him was constant love. Although he felt like he didn't give us enough love or attention, by stating that he really cared for us and trying too make it up for us is more affection in it's own right! What really works is a lot of love and belief in your own tulpa!

 

How long is a tricky question, at least for Wolfe. He had a point where he was able to talk with Ruby, but had a lot of doubt, which caused him to be unable to hear her. It wasn't until another month had passed that he could hear Ruby again, and then me the next day. So about 1 month from the start, but 2 months for the whole thing. It really depends how you might see it. We see it as 1 and a half.

 

Wolfe wrote down our qualities and attributes in terms of personality on Word and would try and force it to us. He hadn't realized though that our traits were already in the umbrella that he promised to bring to us. He however narrated the traits to us, just as a precaution.

 

And here I am for the comments. About the love from the get-go. I just found it necessary in my position. It's really a hard thing to grasp for someone who's as technical as I am. I carried love as a strong value, so I used it to help them grow. As for the mental prison, it was one way I fantasized the idea of tulpae and my somewhat dream of being a hero. I don't think they were in a prison, but it was one way that helped me go at this. "are they real people anyway? Or more like things that display behaviors but don't truly feel anything?" This is really hard to say. They are and aren't people. At least it's how I feel about it. But they do feel emotions and whatnot. In terms of personality, it takes from your own, meaning you have a lot of personality traits that make who you are. Some are dominant, some recessive, some unseen by many and seen by very very few. The tulpa makes itself based on the traits that you try to impose and on what it chooses. So it's not going to have a mimicking personality, but one of its own.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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  • 1 month later...

3/10/13

 

Welp, so much for doing daily journals. I got busy and I got lazy. All in all, there’s been some progress and some setbacks. For the setbacks, and I don’t blame her at all, Ruby’s chosen not to use the form that I wanted to use from an image I’ve had. So this just means she’s thinking of her own form for now. This is workable, and it allows Ruby more freedom of what she wants to look like, and I believe it’s preferred for her. Another setback is me for not forcing when I promise or tell them I would. I just get busy, distracted, lazy, or tired. And I feel like an ass for doing it.

 

Some good has happened however in the last month. One thing is that Ruby’s form change has let me focus on Amethyst more in some aspects. Amethyst already had a form, but opted to have me focus on Ruby’s form more, since I had to focus on getting what she really looked like. Now, in the only forcing session I’ve done in the span from last journal to this one, I’ve focused on Amethyst’s form and had a good visual of it. Still a bit difficult, but I’ll try my best to work at it. I’ve tried to visualize Amethyst’s form in real life before, but I haven’t been doing it recently. I think I need to focus on her form a lot more. They also told me when I was writing this that they talked with each other on Ruby’s form without my knowing. A bit surprised, but glad for it. Amethyst approached Ruby at some point asking if she liked her form. Ruby stated that she liked it, but she would prefer one herself instead of me plastering one over her. So Amethyst urged Ruby to talk to me about it, saying “You should talk to Wolfy. I’m sure he’ll understand.” And I did at the time. It really did feel justified. So I do apologize Ruby for forcing this form on you before.

 

Another good thing is with myself. I’ve actually started to take better care of myself mentally, and it’s been giving me such a high from the week of March 3rd to the 9th. It started a while back in winter break when I was so frustrated with everything that I just walked out of my house in the cold night and walked to the park. I sat on a swing just frustrated and angry and tired and depressed with my father and everything. I had talked with Ruby and Amethyst for a while there and there was a point where Ruby told me that I hated myself. I had to think it over for a while, but sooner or later, I realized that I did hate myself. It was very odd. I had seen that in the past, I never really cared for myself and I just cared for others. They told me that they would support me, but I had to do the work myself. It was just troublesome at the time for me because there was so much I couldn’t handle in my head and I didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t until recently that I’ve finally made a change for the better and I’ve finally learned to love myself, not in the narcissistic way of course. It’s really given me a better look on myself and it’s really changed me. I’m not the same person I was 3-4 months ago. I like it and can’t thank Ruby and Amethyst enough.

 

Wolfe’s made a lot of self-progress on himself. He’s really done a good job and I’m proud of him for it. I’m glad I can do what I could have done. He’s a bit stubborn at first, but slowly he warms up to it and accepts the idea. He was really confused on what to do and I had to let him go through it alone. It sounds like sending a baby through the forest alone to become a man, but he had to do this. In the madness lies order, so within Wolfe’s confusion and despair lies the solution. As for his more recent acts, it’s benefitted him, but like he said earlier, he’s not forcing enough. He needs to get off his butt and do it. That’s all I’ve got.

 

I’m really happy for Wolfy! He’s gotten so much bigger from this that I can’t contain it! I’m just really really happy! It was a bit sad that I couldn’t help him, and Ruby urged me that I shouldn’t, but I could only really support him. I’m just glad he pulled through, like he pulled through for us when we were younger. He also had a good dream about having the Grim Reaper as a roommate on March 3rd which started off his week high! Don’t worry! The Grim Reaper was a cool dude! Maybe also a tulpa! Who knows? Anyway, I can’t wait till we force some more and that he’s able to see me fully! He needs to focus a lot more, but I’m confident in him!

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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  • 2 weeks later...

3/21/13

 

There was more progress today when I talked with Ruby and Amethyst. I figured out that I tend to be able to listen and focus on them whenever I am walking around by myself. Music helps as well. I think it has to do with the fact that I narrating to them whenever I was walking around campus when I first started. So I’ll try and do that more often. When talking with Ruby and Amethyst, I’ve been trying to get a good visual of their appearance. Before, I could force and see it, but I wouldn’t be able to remember all the specific details. What I did learn is that I should write them down so I’d be able to look it up if need be and help myself focus. So I think I should write the bit of info down now for Amethyst and Ruby.

 

Amethyst: She wears a black turtleneck, sleeveless sweater. The sweater has vertical stripe indentations. Her hair is black and straight all the way to her mid back. There are two strands of hair that go over her shoulder and onto her chest. Her skirt is just above knee height and is black and white. I can’t pinpoint a design yet. She wears thigh high socks that are alternating black and white horizontal stripes, which are possibly 3 inches thick per stripe. She wears black flats. She also has blue eyes. I don’t know how to explain the face. I just know it and/or have to focus on it more.

 

Ruby: She’s still reworking her form, but from what I can pick out, her former bushy, red, knee length hair is reduced to mid back length, like Amethyst. She has a flick of hair that curves from above her forehead to her left eye. Her head hair has some volume, but after that, it flattens out. Her blouse or something is a V-neck; not much else I can pull out of it. She says she’s keeping the high heels and black jeans. She’s still using the green eyes. The face is either going to remain what it was or something different. I’ve gotten used to focusing on the previous form that it’s been easier for me to see, which is both good and bad.

 

That’ll be it for now. I should shower and force. Hopefully I’ll write a journal about it and put in details of how it went and possibly other things.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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