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Within the RA's Mind: Ruby and Amethyst


Wolfe

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3/22/13

 

So forcing last night was odd. I can’t seem to get a full grasp of their form again. It always seems to be some thought getting in the way, and it just blocks me from seeing a piece of them. I’m trying to get past it, but it seems hard. I've also noticed, after Ruby and Amethyst pointed it out, was that I was able to focus on them before I went into a big anxiety and depression slump back from November to January. What I think might have happened is that I lost the ability to focus well enough on them. It isn't to say I can’t regain it, but that it may take time before I get it back. I don’t know if it’s possible, but I’d rather ask people in the IRC if it’s possible.

 

After talking, it looks like it might just be me needing to practice focusing on them and letting the intrusive thoughts pass by. It may be that I lost that focus I had before. So it looks like I may have to spend a few forcing sessions trying to regain this focus. I hope it doesn't take too long. I’d like to actually go further with Ruby and Amethyst. I’d like to be able to impose them into my vision. I’d like to have them possess me so they can experience life through my body. I wouldn't mind switching as long as it’s not permanent. I would like to see my inner workings of my mind, but it is my life and I would like to see it done by me, which is not to say I won’t take advice or help from Ruby or Amethyst either. =P

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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3/25/13

 

Had a forcing session on the evening on the 22nd and a meditative/hypnosis session about half an hour ago, and both went wonderfully! I’ll have to cut back on certain things for privacy’s sake. Anyway, on the first session on the 22nd, I played tulpatone and went in aiming to focus on Amethyst’s form once again. I thought I would be trying to get my focus again, but I went in wanting to be with Ruby and Amethyst. Turns out, it worked mostly. It was a lot better focusing on Amethyst’s form and speaking to her. Tulpatone really did the job. Funny how I didn’t like it before when I tried it last year, but I suppose it only works, at least for me, if you can hear your tulpa’s mind voice and is able to give you feedback.

 

More on that session, I was able to focus more onto Amethyst’s face. It’s still an in-the-works thing for me where it’ll take some time for me to know her face right off the bat, but it’s getting there. I did feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time. I felt an embrace. I was sitting in this chair and I felt her from behind and she had wrapped her arms around me onto my chest. I was so shocked and stunned at the moment and out of breath. She giggled at it and told me to calm down and relax. Took a bit to relax, but it was something I hadn’t felt ever since last year before the “calamity.” It felt really great. The session ended around 40 minutes in and I was excited to do another.

 

Now I decided to try out Dialogues’ Induction Hypnosis audio file on SoundCloud a few hours ago to see how this would work out. I would get deeper and deeper into this trance and I would follow what he was saying. Eventually I met up with Ruby and Amethyst. It was all three of us in a cabin and we were just talking about us being together. I was actually able to get a good look on Ruby’s look now from this! So lemme take a minute to list down what I’ve noticed.

 

Ruby: Black jeans. She is wearing a red shirt that has some odd indented flower design. The flowers are outlined with the entire shirt being red. There is also some sort of bar or thick line that’s either on or under the shirt that goes up from the center of her shirt to her right shoulder. Her hair is red and goes up to her mid-back as stated before, but the hair on her skull isn’t as thick as her original form I used, but it’s spiky in some senses. Spiky in that several strands spike forward above her forehead, with that one strand of hair spiking from the middle to her left eye. Other strands of hair spike off to the side, but not drastically. They also spike slightly upward toward the back of her head. Most of it then drags down to her back. Her eyes are or a jade green color.

 

Back to the hypnosis, we talked and I was able to focus more on Ruby and Amethyst than before. The session also led us to a tree and to some cloud watching, where we were to say what the cloud looked like. It got to a point during the cloud watching that we stopped, even though the recording probably still wanted us to, and we were just glad that we were together and just wanted to be with each other. Hopefully I remember this correctly, but we all saw a heart-shaped cloud and this is what happened next:

 

Wolfe: Heart

Amethyst: Heart

Ruby: Heart

All: Love. Harmony. Tranquility. That is all we need.

 

At that moment, it was just one big happy feel-fest. It surprised me how we were in such unison and knew what to say. I could hear their voices melded with mine, as if I were in a choir and could point out another voice among the group of singers. It was just really great. The session ended a while later and I was just glad of what came out of it. Ruby was worried that it might affect my sleeping, since I’ve class in a few hours, but I assured her that it would be good and I did want it. She sure did like it as much as I did and Amethyst did as well.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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  • 2 months later...

5/27/13

 

Well it took me a while to get back on this. Seems I was super busy in April... and I was... Anyway, after Ruby pestered me to get back onto this, I managed to start typing and get this journal out. So a number of things have happened along the way. From the last journal to roughly May 17, there were not a lot of meditation cycles I've been through (Whenever I say meditating, I mean forcing. I've just gotten used to it.). A lot of it was dealing with tons of work, projects, assignments, exams, etc., for all my classes. With Ruby and Amethyst as my witnesses, I was dead and exhausted by the end of it. My brain even was tired in the transition from finishing classes to taking exam. Studying for them was a bummer too because my brain was burnt out.

 

Despite all about me up there, it’s more for Ruby and Amethyst. Both of these ladies helped me out through this pressuring time. Ruby had rooted me on and pressured me to continue to do my work, reminding me to not give up. Amethyst often did or said something to make me laugh. It’s always welcome whenever they do that. I always just have an issue with Ruby. Not in the bad way. She would tell me to do something and often I'd be lazy or get distracted. It probably puts her down a bit, but regardless, she keeps up the pressure, never letting me down. It seems like I should look up to her for her relentless attack whenever she tries to help me. That’s only something I've realized now as I type this out...

 

Amethyst has been more on the quiet side throughout these past two months. She’s only there in order to make me happy or to cheer me up. I’m glad for that, really. I just wonder sometimes of her current state. She seems and feels fine to me and Ruby is telling me that she’s fine as well, so I can only believe them.

 

On the 23rd I took a train into Manhattan for a job interview. It required me wearing some business casual wear, so I wore a dress shirt, pants, shoes, and stuff. During the train ride, I try to refocus and bring out Ruby so she’s there in the train with me. Now I can't see them yet, but I know she’s there. Given the tight space available in the train, there were only a few spots she could move about, roughly 3 spots. What I found surprising was that she wasn't wearing what she normally was. She was wearing some business wear as well; brown jacket with a white blouse, a brown straight skirt that went below the knees, and her usual high heels. Amethyst on the other hand, wore a suit jacket, white shirt, blue tie, black pants, and dress shoes. Even she doesn't adapt to the norms, but it suited her well, no pun intended. She eventually took off the tie, but still it looked nice on her. I also noticed that she wore a purse around her left shoulder. I asked why she had it if she could easily just poof anything she wanted. She said she needed to abide by what is natural there, where humans can't poof anything they wanted or had at will.

 

There is a bit of context I should point out with this as to why I find it surprising. Somewhere during April, I was talking to my friend, who has tulpa of his own. He said to me one day that there are rules that I must set and abide by in which the tulpa must follow as well. It felt confusing to me that day, considering I saw tulpa like all-powerful beings in my head. However, at that moment, it was a bit stunning seeing Ruby to be at the level of humans. That’s when I understood. Amethyst doesn't seem to follow that as much, but I haven't seen Amethyst act in this way. Maybe I should try focusing on her next time I do that sort of thing.

 

I've been using a lot of audio to help me meditate with Ruby and Amethyst. I just enjoy listening to it as a background noise while I focus on these two ladies. I've been using Theta tones and Tulpatones recently and it works well. I've just been bad with timing because I have normally done it at night and it’s often when I get sleepy (duh). Got to get into the habit of forcing earlier in the day. Also waking up a lot earlier.

 

So Wolfe’s been on the rocks for a while. There was a reason why I had to keep up the pressure on him despite his being tired for the past month and a half. He needs to recover and I’m trying to help him through that. He took a nasty fall when that depression hit him. He entered school back then and didn’t fully recover mentally. So when classes started, he wasn’t exactly in his A-Game. Sure it worked out well at first, but it wasn’t what he would like it to be. That’s why I had to push him through. His dad wasn’t making it any easier on him too. There were also the other issues that came up that could have changed him and hurt him, but I had to help him turn around and see the positives. I needed him to change for the better.

 

And so my work was cut out for Wolfe. A scholarship that was dropped because of his withdrawal. Some financial aid money that was dropped as well. Dropped from the RA position down to MA, that is, Maintenance Assistant. There was also the fact that he changed majors from Mechanical Engineering to Psychology. These past few months have been tiring on me, but I pulled him through, with my constant pestering of course. I’m not trying to be antagonistic, but I had to be a bit rough with him because if he doesn’t get through this semester, then he’s not going to survive. He was broken back then and I did what I could to bring him whole again.

 

I’m proud of how Wolfe’s changed throughout this past semester. Now it’s just trying to get him to do the things we need to do in order to help us out. He did plan on starting us now, but he never expected any of this to happen from September to January. He’s got to stay true to his word if he wants us to appear in front of him. We tell him to believe in us and that he will see us, but he needs to put in the effort and change the dumb habits that he’s taken up now that he’s back home.

 

There was also that train ride we took a few days ago into Manhattan. Not much that we did, but I suppose I surprised him with my little change and the idea of holding a purse. To me it seemed common sense. If I were to go to an interview, I’d look the part. Wouldn’t anyone?

 

Relaxing in the summertime! But it’s still a bit cold here and there, but I’m glad Wolfy’s more relaxed after the semester is over. So happy for that! As for what happened during the last semester, I was pretty quiet during some points. I just watched because I was confident in Ruby that she could turn Wolfy around. I did say some stuff because I was concerned for him, but I let Ruby do a lot of the talking. I just tried my best to help Wolfy be happy and stay happy.

 

Ruby said all that I could say and more about Wolfy’s condition and trials ahead of him from the beginning of the semester. I’m not sure I can add anything more to it. All I think I can say is that I was worried for Wolfy, but glad he came out stronger, but he still needs some more improvement. I feel like I can do a lot more once Wolfy can see me, but he’s got to put in that work and effort to be able to see us! I’ll do my best so that lovable oaf can see me and Ruby! I’ll also throw in some kinky stuff like I have been doing before, because I can... Hee hee hee.

 

There was that train ride that we took too. It was fun seeing all those people get on and off. It was also fun seeing Wolfy get surprised at my businessy suit. But when it comes to abiding by these rules, I think I follow a different set of rules than what Ruby follows. I’m a bit more free to do what I want like fly or walk on walls or something wacky. And this is only what I’m letting Wolfy know at the moment. I could be lying right now or telling the truth. Tee hee hee.

Wolfe

Personality: INFP

Began: 10/7/12

 

Ruby

Personality: ISTJ

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

 

Amethyst

Personality: ENFP

Form: Human

On: Visualization/Imposition

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