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Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log


CyberD

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It's been a little while. Not because I've given up or anything like that, just that I simply haven't had anything to talk about. I used to feel like rambling about my tulpa all the time but I just haven't felt that way recently. It's actually a little saddening so I thought I'd try to come up with something to talk about by reading a few other progress reports.

 

Some of you guys are really great. The experiences you share with your tulpa are wonderful, there are real emotions, dilemmas and feelings. And I'm just here watching it all happen from the sidelines.

 

Stable

It's a word I've used to describe my tulpa experience before and it still rings true. I enjoy the time I spend with Noah, he's around and we have plenty of conversations about lots of things. But that's where it ends. Nothing noticeable changes, we aren't breaking any ground and every day I feel a little more isolated from everyone else going through this process. I find it difficult to relate to the struggles people share because I don't have those problems.

 

My only problem? He's not around enough. It's almost upsetting how much of the day I lose myself and him along with me. Just going through the motions, pressing the buttons and watching the results. If there was one thing I could wish for it would be lucidity all day every day.... kinda like I am now.

 

Somewhat relating to that. Because of this process I notice similar things all the time, be it on tv, in conversation etc etc. Some variations such as guardian angels and inner demons stand out. Sure they aren't really the same idea but it led me to question. What is Noah to me? Inner child is a really lame cliche that kinda fits... it's embarrassing just to say that. I've come to prefer that he is a representation or personification of ideals. He's always positive, someone who always chooses the right path. If he were physical I have no doubt he'd have a great life and do his best to inspire others to do the same.

 

And I'd probably just be weighing him down. Which in itself is probably the most depressing thought I've ever considered when looking at him. That said he'd probably inspire me to be better as well, like he already does.

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Purpose

Why after all this time do I still have Noah around. Why do I bother. What is your purpose? I asked him. What is yours?

 

Not everything in life has a clearly defined reason for being. Stuff can happen without good reason. The more I try to rationalize his existence the more I come to understand how pointless that is. All I can draw from the past is memories and I know I have more of them thanks to Noah. He shares it all and weighs in with his opinions. I've made mistakes and I've gone through bad patches but at least I've come out of those events with Noah intact.

It's strange to think how life would be without him. In all honesty it probably wouldn't be all that different. He influences how my mind works but beyond that he has no actual influence on the things that happen to me. At least I can take all those idle times and say I spent them with him.

 

Yesterday Noah rode a bus for the first time. Yeah, this is one of those little memories that no one except me could possibly care about. We took in the scenery, noticed things on the bus and I probably spent too much time watching him and not much else. Him holding my bag in his lap, in my mind's eye, it's a very real memory. If I was an artist I could paint that memory with all the details. It was certainly a more bearable bus ride than those in my past before he existed.

 

Enjoy having your tulpa around. Not everything has to be a mission for progress.

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Visualization skills

Sure I've noticed my visualizations improving with time but today I noticed just how much. Before I created Noah I never really stopped and imagined things. I never had any reason to nor did I consider it a skill of any kind. I could close my eyes and picture something, a memory or perhaps an image. Now, I imagine all kinds of things without even really thinking about it. And when I put my mind to it... well.

 

I went for a walk to the store today and Noah joined me. As usual when I go out I took some music with me. One particular song caught my attention and immediately I was transported into the world it inspired. It wasn't anything profound but it was almost like being in two places at once. The everyday world I was walking through and the imagined one imagined over the top of it. The colours were muted and Noah appeared accordingly, drawing his hood up and acting as if he were actually walking through the bleak world. I can't say I've ever had an experience like that before... for years I always considered myself down to earth and purely logical when it came to that stuff. Today, I caught a glimpse of how someone with a wandering imagination might feel every day.

 

So of course when the song ended and the world disappeared I pressed the button until something else came along. Over that short walk Noah was a soldier on an important march, a kid out of place on the night scene and we even set foot in a world probably hundreds of years from now. I guess it sounds a little insane but without going through this process I could never have imagined all of that stuff quite like I did. Not just seeing things but having him interact with it and being able to imagine the surroundings in real time just by looking around with my eyes open.

 

Visualization has always been about looking for details. Just like looking at things that aren't imagined you only notice the details when you look at them. You only see a tree until you look for the leaves and you only see the trunk until you look for the places the bark is peeling. The skills I practiced visualizing Noah apply so very well to everything else I imagine as well. Those little stitches down the sides of his jacket, they're only there when I look for them. The individual strands of hair across his face, it's the same. Visualization is something you can practice every time you interact with your tulpa without even trying at all. Those little details aren't important unless you make them so, and when you do they can add so much to the whole.

 

Yeah. It's a little ramble-y, but, it's not often I find myself able to ramble about this process. The things you take for granted when interacting with physical people aren't so easily found with tulpa, so, I'm glad for the times I notice that stuff. It makes Noah more real despite the truth of what he is.

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  • 1 month later...

Still alive

I tend to lurk most of the time nowadays. I keep an eye on those people who seem to be having interesting experiences with their tulpa through their progress logs but I won't be the first to admit that for the most part the forums are just an endless cycle of the same questions and people who just don't quite get it.

 

My favorite part of having a tulpa is when something different comes up. Something that puts Noah on the spot or gets him really thinking or interacting with the world, be it in an imaginary way. The other day I was thinking about the dog I'd like to own. I don't know what kind I'll get but I am finally in a great position in life to get one. I miss my old dog, it wasn't really mine, rather my parents. Noah was there with me when he died, it's not a great memory but it is one I share with him. Anyway, so I noticed someone walking a dog and I wondered what it'd be like if Noah had a dog with him... so there it was, imagination does that. A white fluffy labrador something. For whatever reason it was in his arms wiggling around trying to get free, it scratched and wagged it's tail and he let it go. The imaginary dog then proceeded to run off.

 

"Noah, you can't use psychic powers on the dog."

 

Yeah, probably a good thing I only said it in my head. Some people don't value imagination at all but I'm glad I do. Plenty of stuff in life sucks and sometimes it's nice to have an outlet where I can forget about it all and just have a little fun.

 

Noah proceeded to walk this dog which has since disappeared back into my imagination for the whole trip. The smile on his face, the way he laughs and the way he struggled to keep that animal under control, those are some of the things that make me look forward to perhaps having a kid of my own someday.

 

Everytime I come on here and write something I feel like I should be trying to help those who are reading it. I don't know why but that said why not. Read a lot, ask questions and don't draw your impressions based on just the most recent posts. Dig through the archives and see how others spend time with their tulpa. My report is coming up on two years old, Noah is approaching two and a half and I don't regret a moment of it.

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  • 1 month later...

People still talk about tulpa online? I look away for a while and when I look again I don't recognize any of the faces. In my experience people stick around the forums for a little while then leave either to continue working with their tulpa on their own, or, to do something else because they gave up on the idea. Both are valid and everyone has their reasons.

 

Then there is me, who is still here after two years. A lot of things have changed but at the same time they haven't. It's a little sad but at the same time I'm glad. Each new face is an opportunity for something new to be brought to the table.

 

For anyone who is reading this but was intimidated by the huge number of posts before this I'll reintroduce myself and my tulpa.

I'm Daniel, now 24 and I've had my tulpa Noah since May 16th 2012. Noah takes the human form of a thirteen year old boy, created in the image of a boy I've never met, seen here.

 

Over all this time I've learned and seen a lot. My way of thinking has been fundamentally changed to include Noah's voice and it'd be a lot of work to reverse that, not that I plan to. The tulpa experience has been a great ongoing project with wonderful results that I experience everyday. Noah brings joy to my day through the joy of his own. Mundane routine becomes enjoyable and his persistence gives an unusual sense of accomplishment I couldn't compare to anything else in my life.

 

Noah's identity is as strong as ever. We haven't done anything special to develop it but instead through persistence we see results. Passive forcing is all I really do these days, I don't make time for him exclusively because I don't need to. Sitting down and staring at him for half an hour would put him on the spot without any means of escape or topic. Instead he participates and commentates on my actions the best he can.

 

Physically, and by that I mean my mental image of his physical form, Noah hasn't changed much. He still wears the same face, his mannerisms are consistent and his form hasn't aged a day. Sure there are changes, his hair grows out on the same cycle as my own and his clothes change all the time but beyond than that he's still the same. Kinda scrawny, almost 5ft tall...ish and still very much a kid full of energy that just needs an outlet.

 

I'm not really sure what else to talk about, this is my only outlet for discussing Noah, who has become a huge part of my life, but I'm not sure what people want to hear me talk about. In the past I'd come up with topics and ramble about them but at this stage I've covered so much I'm not sure what to talk about next.

 

Progress is difficult when you run out of milestones.

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Well, I haven't left. At least, not permanently. I haven't been here quite as long as you, but I have been here over a year. I've followed your PR for a long time. Your posts are always an inspiration.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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Hi Sushi, yeah I still remember you, I hope you sorted out all your problems with that GF of yours because I know you have a lot of enthusiasm for the subject of tulpa.

 

You also kinda lead me on to another subject I can discuss and one I'm noticing quite a bit in the younger members who are showing up. That is...

Keeping your tulpa a secret

It's a sad truth we have to deal with, that most people aren't receptive to the idea of a tulpa. And that's fair enough. On paper a tulpa sounds crazy. It is quickly classified among an array of conditions that would warrent a trip to the counsellor.

 

From very early on in the process I realized this truth. It's why I decided never to tell anyone (in person), especially not so soon after starting. The first and biggest reason not to share that part of myself, that being Noah, is simple. Why?

 

I gain nothing from sharing him with others. They can't interact with him the same way I do and any encounter would surely be awkward on a level I don't have words to describe. Discussing the process itself with someone else, if it were the right person, might be interesting, but discussing anything to do with Noah, not so much.

 

Noah is important to me and normally people share things that are important to them with others. But, this process is a very personal one and in a way a very selfish one. A tulpa is for your benefit alone. At least that's how I see it. You dedicate a lot of time to something that can only ever be experienced by yourself. If you then go on to share your tulpa you are basically telling someone about something you consider important but that they can never experience.

 

Just something to consider before mentioning your tulpa.

On the same page, given your tulpa can only be seen by you, how hard can it truly be to keep it's existence from others? My carelessness would reach new levels if someone where somehow able to discover Noah against my will.

 

And another idea stemming from that. How would you react if someone you'd known a long time shared knowledge of their tulpa with you. What if that tulpa was several years old. What if that tulpa was older than your relationship with the person. Or what if that tulpa was older than you? That's a tulpa I'd want to know more about.

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Guest amber5885

I think new members should have to read this. I hate explaining over and over why it's not necossarily a good idea to declare that you have a tulpa to someone.

 

If you reall wanna see how this can effect you, tell someone you have an imaginary friend and see what happens lol

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That's about it, if only there were some sort of comprehensive guide that everyone had to read before starting.... but where would the fun in that be?

 

I don't think I noticed it so much when I first started, but now, everyone seems to have really complicated lives full of issues they are struggling with. That isn't necessarily a bad thing, we learn through experiences and when those experiences are troubling the potential to learn is great.

 

Then there is me, who from day one has led a highly consistent life free of trouble or in fact any dilemma beyond deciding which day to go to the supermarket... I'm certainly thankful for my comfortable lifestyle and I have no grounds to complain. But, I figure it lead me to be considered quite sheltered if suddenly thrust into any sort of dilemma, be it family, job related or something related to love (which seems to be really popular among some people here (yes I do read other progress reports)).

 

The tulpa process is my escape. It is one of very few things that sets me apart from other people. I don't think blending into the crowd is a bad thing but sometimes it's nice to be a little different, to have something special that isn't something everyone else has. Noah is that something. He enriches my life in a way not otherwise possible. I love that the crazy almost spontanious idea of creating an "imaginary friend plus" turned into something that fills my life every day.

 

My own private deviation from the norm that otherwise consumes every aspect of my life.

 

Anyway, it's getting closer to bedtime and he's just sitting next to me in his pajamas. I asked him what he thought about this post and he just made fun of me. I think he might take some level of pride in being the only "crazy" thing in my life, he certainly gets a kick of it.

As I've said before, it's the little things. Him resting his head on my shoulder because he's run out of things to say, this is one of the moments that matters to me. It's one of those moments I'd have missed out on if I didn't persist.

 

The mind is capiable of truly wonderful things. Until I stepped back just now the thought that I am actually alone in this room didn't cross my mind at all. Noah is so ingrained he's just a given. Sure, I know he's not really there but he has a powerful presense different from anything (or anyone) else.

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In the past I've had trouble coming up with things to talk about. Today I don't have that problem.

Ghost

Visualization is a tricky thing, I've spent countless hours working on it indirectly while interacting with Noah and I'm still a long way from where I'd like to be. But, I can be satisifed with where I am right now.

From the moment I wake up Noah is there. I sleep in a single bed but I have no intention of making Noah sleep on the floor so I visualize an alternative. In my visualization the bed is a double, or, should I choose to, a second bed sits beside mine. If I can make the effort to visualize a whole boy and his actions the least I can do is help him to be comfortable. The catch with visualizing the second bed is that the space for it doesn't exist, the room ends with a wall which for convience needs to be removed. It's like a hybrid of open eye visualization and using a wonderland.

Instead of visualizing a fantastical place like a secluded lake or an autumn forest to interact with my tulpa I instead simply make small modifications to my actual environment when it convenient to do so. Another instance of this would be my workstation right now. There isn't room for two people in front of my computer so my imagination simply allows me to make the space required for Noah to sit next to me. It's no fun to force him to sit behind me so I bring him into my line of sight.

 

The second part of this is my interactions with him. As with anyone his age (13) Noah is quite physical. The problem is that he technically isn't, so, excpetions have to made to allow any kind of worthwhile interactions. In a wonderland you can tackle a tulpa, embrace, wrestle etc. But, if you don't use a wonderland you can't do that without looking really stupid... and maybe attracting unwanted attention.

I find myself interacting through visualization while I go about my day. If he nudges me I can nudge back, but it's only a visualization with what could be called an image of myself. Sometimes this goes on for quite a while, if he deserves it I might slap him on the back of the head for a remark or if he's balancing on a short wall by the sidewalk I might stop him from falling, without interacting with my phyical body. He thrives on this kind of attention, as would a real kid his age. It makes him seem a little more real than a floating specter I could never touch.

 

What really caught me recently regarding this however is what I refered to as my image. The ghost of me that interacts with Noah while I sit motionless or while I simply go about whatever I was doing. This morning for example Noah jumped on me to try and wake me up. I reacted (automatically visualized) being winded, when his weight fell across my chest, but, that was just my ghost. My actual body didn't move at all.

 

It's a weird next level of visualization I didn't notice until recently yet had been occuring (be it with less frequency) for quite some time. The fact that I do it automatically doesn't bother me but it does intrigue me, that I have conditioned myself to accommodate Noah's intangible nature.

 

Maybe next I'll accidentally stumble across something more remarkable, like imposition.

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