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Daniel's Tulpa Progress Log


CyberD

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I definitely agree with you about keeping tulpas secret. Initially I had a few people that I was going to tell, but the list gradually dwindled to zero as I spent more time here. As it stands, nobody outside this community knows about Fenchurch.

 

I used to live in a commune, and I sometimes think about going back. The people there would be more receptive to the idea. One of them actually told me that she had imposed phantom wings. I might bring it up with someone there, but only in a general way. Not saying "This is something I've done," and certainly not saying "Meet Fenchurch."

 

There is a song that my family sings: Waltzing with Bears. I always imagine that the protagonist is a young boy, but we're never actually told. The protagonist tells us about Uncle Walter, who sneaks out at night, and comes home with his suit all torn up and covered with hair. What starts as a suspicion is eventually confirmed: Uncle Walter waltzes with bears. The family tells him that he's not allowed to anymore, and he stops, until the bears come and take him away.

 

In some versions of the song, the protagonist learns to love waltzing with bears as well, but I prefer the song to end without that. Uncle Walter has this great love, this secret passion. His family tells him it's wrong and that he can't do it, but he can't stop because it's who he is.

 

I've heard that the song has been quite popular in gay communities, but to me it's about tulpas.

 

If the truth about Fenchurch came out, I could lose my job, my friends, and my girlfriend. I don't think I could be institutionalized for it, but relationships with my family could be strained. My family cut off ties with my father until he stopped drinking. I could easily imagine that they would do the same thing for me.

 

It's not like being gay. I mean from childhood imagination, to writing, to tulpas, you could say that this has been my entire life. I'm sure you could say the same of other people here as well. But for many others it is a choice, and some people eventually choose to let their tulpas go.

 

I can't imagine myself ever wanting to give up on her, but if, by some unforeseen freak chance, my family and friends somehow coerced me into it, I could stop talking to Fenchurch. But I hope that, like Uncle Walter's bears, she wouldn't let me go.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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What an unusual take on what I guess is a rather common theme. For some reason I'm picturing a kid hearing that song and simply taking it at face value. One of the best things about kids is they don't read into things, you tell a story about a man dancing with bears and that's exactly what you get. None of this overcomplicated adult business.

 

Of course we're all stuck with the various meanings, especially the ones appliciable to tulpa. Fortunately for us we understand that others probably won't want anything to do with the idea before we start. I doubt there are many out there who have created a tulpa and had sharing them with their family and friends as a priority.

It's a good thing I came to terms with people being narrow minded some time about. Narrow minded and vocal in being so... I hope I never end up like that.

 

Wonderland?

The other day Noah specicially asked me to spend some time with him. It's not really a request I get so I entertained the idea, and I'm glad I did. Noah asked me to do something in a wonderland. I don't use a wonderland very often but I decided why not. I asked him what he wanted to do, where he wanted to go. In the past we've tried all sorts of settings but today he wanted to keep it simple. The beach. Okay, now I've been to the beach with Noah in real life so this should be real easy, right? In the past my wonderland experience has been pretty average, a bit of scenery but with a huge focus on Noah himself. This time was no exception to that but I did notice one difference. My skills have improved considerably. The sand, the sea, the sky full of white clouds. I saw it all even before I saw Noah in his red swimming shorts.

 

I guess practicing visualization with Noah with my eyes open really helped build my wonderland skills too. Two years ago I would have done this and have been unimpressed by our experience, today I am confident I could go for hours and keep imagining things with clarity I've never known before. It's a shame the skills I've picked up aren't really useful outside of Noah and the tulpa experience but oh well. At the very least it helps me come up with more realistic scenery when I'm writing.

 

But what happened on the beach? Well Noah tried surfing, and being in control of imagination he was naturally an expert. I just lay on the sand and watched it all, sometimes it's nice to be lazy. It's weird to be the adult in a situation like that, I used to be that kid running around and splashing in the waves... now I'm here imaginging that and technically filling both pairs of shoes at the same time. Did I mention Noah is more his own than ever before?

 

Keep practicing, same old advice true to just about everything.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Change

If I stop and look at Noah I can see how much he's changed. The way I visualize him, the things he says, his attitude, interests, how often and for how long he is present. A lot of it is pretty subtle but today I recieved a wake up call that highlighted how much he has changed.

Noah's image is based on a boy named Marcus. When we begun the pair of them were the same age, I don't know much about Marcus but I assume in mid 2012 (when I created Noah) he was 12-13. That means he is now 14-15...(assuming I guessed his age correctly). Today I came across a recent image of him, and he's changed. For the first time I can actually say they don't look the same any more. Noah is still young, but Marcus is growing up. It's difficult to discribe the differences but for me they are clear. I've been visualizing Noah for so long, I know what he looks like, what I expect and then I see Marcus and he's different.

Imagine a pair of twins. You see one of them every day but the other lives somewhere else. The twin you are stuck with doesn't age but the other one does. Now 2.5 years have passed.

Basing a tulpa on a character doesn't create this problem. It's rare for characters to age in real time, instead you'd get your tulpa deviating from the character and becoming their own. Noah has deviated from a snapshot of someone who is still growing up. They'll never be as similar as they were and that's a little saddening, but, at the same time it's incredible. If I'm lucky I'll get to see Marcus grow up while Noah remains the same age forever.

 

Who said the tulpa process wasn't weird.

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Very interesting - haven't read everything yet, started from just before your second introduction so that was convenient ^^.

 

I can relate to what you mean about looking back on a community and going 'I don't remember you fellows!' Such is life I guess.

 

I'm ... Ehh I've been around a little while - 9 months ish? But had a long period of doing very little.

 

I think I'm quite lucky and that many people I know may be receptive of the idea, but I'm not planning on going "hey- this is Vixen, the girl with wi.. ". ~ Kay Vix' just jumped in while I typed that I must change that last apparently ~

 

"Hey, this is Vixen, the AWESOME girl with wings you can't see because she lives in my head!"

 

While they may be accepting you don't know who else they'll tell either... Guess there's not really any such thing as a sure fire bet.

 

I get what you mean about visualisation getting much more vivid over time too. Started out I could barely maintain her hair if I was trying to see the wings in any level of clarity - now she stays in focus while the beat of her wings causes dust to billow across the ground.

 

It's really amazing what you can do with enough focus and practice!

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If you plan on reading all of it you'll probably want to put aside some time. That said, thanks for reading what you have, it's nice to know I didn't make the reintroduction for no reason.

 

I typically do my own thing nowadays while the community remains for the most part in it's loop of beginners. There really is only so much you can gain from reading the first weeks of beginners and seeing the same questions asked over and over. The problem lies in what comes next. That's the question, what do you do after you make it through all of the beginners problems. Detailed content all but drops off and you really just have to figure it out on your own.

 

But that's part of why I enjoy the process. I enjoy spending time with Noah, there aren't any goals to meet. Instead it's just an issue of what we do and how long we spend at it.

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