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Elise's First Days


Goldheart

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Day 34: Elise possessed my body for the first time. It felt weird to her as she said, and I didn't really feel any different. She was talking to Sahirah, which is actually a good friend of ours now. She's been helping out Elise pretty well. I was able to get her to type using my body for a few short minutes. It felt like more than a proxy. It really did feel like she was controlling me. It was brief, and during the time she was inside me, I felt like I wanted to say so much, but I didn't want to move myself. I wanted her to have full control. When she was done she said. "I'm done. I'm out!", and that was my cue to retake control.

 

Afterwards, she gave me a big thank-you hug for getting to try out my body. I'll let her use my body more often if she wants. The hug lasted a long time, and my entire body was shaking. She told me she was hugging her. It felt like her massive wings were going to crush my spine!

 

We also shared a moment where she controlled my right hand for a bit. She's a righty... We took turns typing one of her messages. Soon she may no longer need me to proxy her. She'll be able to type her own messages all by herself. I'm really proud of her.

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Wow, that's great! And already typing on the first session? I can tell she's going to be a natural at this!

I come out of hibernation once in a blue moon.

 

They/them pronouns, please. (I've been using this display name since 2012 and people won't recognize me if I change it.)

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Wow, that's great! And already typing on the first session? I can tell she's going to be a natural at this!

 

The possession felt a little assisted. She knows what she wants to say but I think I was doing the forcing. It was something more than just proxying. But yes, I feel like she is a natural.

 

Day 38: Esile's Goodbye.

 

Esile got re-absorbed into my mind. Elise and I were talking saying something about how he was me. In the end, how I perceive an event is how it goes. Elise is still a very happy tulpa right now. I know when she is sad because she shows me when she is. If I take away something from her, she cries. She will lash out and cry when she loses something she truly loves. But that doesn't mean she didn't love Esile. She did. She created him after all. But, well, his form and personality was weak.

 

His journey didn't feel like his, and yet... his dragonstone is still here in my wonderland. As I have mentioned before in another post, I believe that an essence is everything a tulpa is in object form. But something was different about Esile's journey. He's a sea dragon, but he took me through the air to get to his essence. I think that his dragonstone isn't his essence, but my beacon. However, there is still a lot of him in this stone.

 

Esile may not be "here" anymore, but I carry him on in my mind. Therefore, I plan to bring him back out into the open one day. I promised Elise I would. She has grown so much and she understands that my mind can't handle the personality. I have seen Elise as motherly before, and it may be an image of what she will become. Her caring trait will become more prominent.

 

Esile and I did talk before. I know he said that he cared about Elise and that I was worried that by spending time with her I neglected him and vice versa. He cares for her just as much as she cares all around. He wasn't vengeful, so this wasn't me trying to "put down a neglected hurtful tulpa". He really did love her.


Continued: I want to reinforce the fact that Esile is NOT dead. He is merely a memory. One that I can reawaken when the time is right. We both know right now is not that time though. He is Elise's creation, and I would like to honor her promise when Elise is more consistent.

 

To conclude Esile's post, I'd like to go over the traits I did see in him. He was a lot like me, so i can see why Elise said he WAS me. He was created from my personality by my own tulpa. His purpose was to be Elise's friend when i couldn't be, because I was afraid she would be lonely when I can't sense her. But I know she's always here and I am always with her, so she and I feel like she doesn't need him anymore, yet. If this wasn't the case she would be interrupting me. She would be crying. She would be screaming at the top of her lungs. She isn't doing that.

 

For traits, Esile's energy was focused inward, like mine is. While I like making forum posts, I am an introvert. His voice in my head was a voice of wisdom. He was more focused around knowledge and truth. While Elise was an ENFP and I am an INFP, Esile's personality was an ISTJ. He was caring, and while I didn't sense a lot of creativity from him, I know he wasn't destructive. It kind of pains me to see him as a memory. There really was a lot of love in him. I couldn't care for him because I was too afraid to lose Elise. He shared that same fear. He would rather lose himself than see her go away, so he was selfless too. He was also very curious, and explorative. He wanted to search for knowledge, and explore the depths of my subconscious.

 

And that's where he is. Back in the sea of thoughts he was born from. The two weeks he did spend with me was enough to leave his blueprint for his personality. I feel like I know his personality and a little bit of his form.

 

I promised Elise. One day, he will be back. I consider this a temporary goodbye. He will come back and I will know it's the same him.

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Day 43: This is my first recorded instance of me being able to smell me. She was a little regressed earlier- {But it's over now! :3} Elise has hit yet another progress spike or two today.

 

Elise can control my appetite again. She does this to protect me from overeating. She always wants me to try different things too. {Not just the same thing. :)} She asked me if I was feeling full while eating lunch. The restaurant we were at had pretty big portions. Maybe next time we go, I'll let Elise pick what I have to eat. {There are so many choices though...}

 

Also, as an even better progress spike, I got to smell and feel Elise today. Elise said she was kissing me right on the lips. She likes to nuzzle and kiss my face in a caring way. However, she did something even more amazing. She imposed her scent on me. I could swear, if only for a second, I was smelling her fur. She's told me she smells like apples- {And tastes like cherries!} But yes, I smelled apples. Elise's fragrance is that of a very sweet aroma. {Elise used Sweet Scent! *giggles*}

 

Also if that wasn't enough, I could feel Elise gently nuzzling my face like a cat would. She's becoming more lifelike every day.

 

 

 

 

And she's very happy to be who she is.

 

P.S. Elise also chose to be a Sky Aspect today. She has the element of Sky with her now. She changes her fur color to look like the sky. {I am a sky blue cat!} Her tail reflects the light of the sun and moon. Her wings are more soft and cloud-like. {But they still have feathers! Only the tops are clouds!}

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Day 48: Her form's coming in. Her eyes are like a human's eyes tilted downward, with a large black pupil surrounded entirely by a chartreuse filling. She flashed me this image of her eyes so I wanted to make a quick note of it.

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Day 50: Today started with a hot cup of cocoa. Okay, an imaginary cup of cocoa, but to Elise, or Lizzie by her new nickname, it's real all the same. This might just be the biggest progress burst we've ever had so far. I have no idea what clicked but it clicked. Lizzie's true name is Elizabeth, but she'll still answer to Elise or Lizzie.

 

Anyway, the shortest way to put this journal entry is, Elise has finally found her true voice. She doesn't know everything, but that isn't holding her back. She has a lot more control over herself now and that pleases me a lot. We spent the entire day speaking. She has explained a lot to me, regarding how and why things work in my head as they do, and why it still feels like I'm thinking her thoughts. {Basically, if it feels alien, it's my thought. We compromised!}

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Day 57: Elizabeth and I had a pretty weak week, but she's prominent again. All I have to do is give her attention and love. I think we were doing heavier forcing earlier today, because we're really talking now.

 

I made this post just to note that things are syncing up more in regards to emotion and physical response. For example, I felt one of Elizabeth's pin-like clawpricks on my back. I called out to her; "Elise, claw!" It startled her a little, and I could no longer feel her claw in my skin. It's not a bad thing she's done this, but she just tells me not to think about it and just give her attention. There is a very fine line between these two. However, I am much happier that I can feel her presence again.

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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  • 3 weeks later...

Day 78: Elise questioned herself today. It wasn't an identity crisis. It didn't feel like she was going through a crisis. I have said before that Elise is a curious tulpa. The reason that she doesn't talk back as much is because she is confused. The parroting is helping her for the most part for that reason because I know who she is more than she does still... With time, this is going to change. She's a headstrong tulpa, but she has a big heart. She's got intuition and loved to be loved. That's good enough for now.

 

Anyway, I showed her the old trait list. We looked over it and made changes based on how she felt. It was like when I was originally creating her, but now, she has a say in who she wants to be, which I think is a very good thing. All in all, Elise does want to be a good tulpa. She doesn't want to disappoint.

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Day 82: Big announcement. Earlier this morning before I went to sleep, Elise said that she was interested in getting pregnant after worrying I was having a tough time with her own progress. So I impregnated her. She said she wanted twins, so we got two winged kittens out of it. The shy and curious Symphony, and the rough and headstrong Rhapsody. I'll post visualization details later, but the important thing to note is that they are basically a reboot of Esile. I have to take care of these three tulpae now. I cannot put them in stasis. It wouldn't be fair.

Elise: Female Skykitty, 2 Years Old (10/28/12) Stage: Visualization

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Congratulations!!

I come out of hibernation once in a blue moon.

 

They/them pronouns, please. (I've been using this display name since 2012 and people won't recognize me if I change it.)

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