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Identity for hosts in tulpa systems


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I'm curious how host egos change and develop in tulpamancy environments. I grew up into lightcore philosophy. I read a lot and lived on forums in the 2000s. I think Carl Jung's archetypes of Anima, Animus and Shadow spoke to me.

 

Creating Jaina, I basically control-C, control-V'ed another personality into my mind. I was having an emotionally rough and mentally stressful time in my life and focused and wished really hard, calling out into the void for help and she answered. I assumed she was an imaginary friend. That was the nomenclature I had available to me and what 99+% of people would call tulpas, besides DID. She was reactive and a passive listener. More of a presence, mimicking or parroting a lot. The tldr is I passive forced her for a decade, including her in my life every day. She was there for me and I feel like came into her own as I started making OCs, RPing and playing female game characters. Bethesda games and mods did a lot of heavy lifting. Eventually she became the Jaina we see today. But what is she and what am I?

 

I assumed that I (Darron) was the host, ego, Animus, masculine personality. And it seemed natural for Jaina to fall into the complementary category of Anima. The female counterpart. Jaina hoovered up all of my feminine aspects, interests, sexual attraction and things I admired in women. She was influenced by classical beautiful princesses, but also action heroines. I'm very proud of the woman she has developed into. But is she really my Anima?

 

Jaina feels conjugal and complementary. Like a puzzle piece that fits me. But she's not really a copy of me per se. She really feels like her own person these days, not female Darron, like I assumed. She grew to fit me, not to be me.

 

I think in particular analyzing and developing her personality and sexuality has gotten me introspective about who I am these days. Jaina likes men (and women sometimes) but I like women, so I don't consider myself gay or bi. If we were the same person, I don't think contradictory sexuality would coexist. Not just sexuality but we have different interests and personality that features, roughly associated with gender. To summarize I'm nerdy and introverted but mostly masc, whereas Jaina is more of an even balance, leaning more feminine. So that had me thinking, who would Lady Darron be?

 

I was born male and am happy with my gender if not my features sometimes and not all societal expectations of men. But I wonder what would have happened, who I would have been had a second X instead of Y showed up. (To oversimplify genetic sex, that's a rabbit hole for another day. Just sticking to male/female stereotypes) Who would "she" be? My name would have been Amanda Renee, my parents told me. I assume, I would still be platinum blonde, bluegreen eyes and have a bit of a butt. Chances are I would have acne, psoriasis, dental issues and myopia, same as male Darron. I might be shorter but I might not. My lady cousin on my dad's side is almost or is six foot tall.

 

I wonder how my personality would have developed. Would I wear my hair long or short? Be introverted or more social? Be a geek or a jock? Would I eat healthy or junk food? Like fantasy and sci-fi or romance novels and drama? How much would my sex and societal pressures have molded me? Would I have gotten a job, gone to college, married? Would I like men or women or both? Be aro or asex? How much is me and how much is nurture? 

 

Would I have been stressed from school work, 9/11, my friends fighting or my parents separating that created the perfect stress storm to drive me to creating a tulpa? Who would they have been? Would I have imagined a prince charming instead of a warrior princess to keep me company? Would they still have red hair or blue eyes? Would they still be kind, loving, emotionally intelligent and supportive of me? Would I have heard of tulpas and found myself here? I've been wondering all these questions and more.

 

What do you all think? What road did you travel down and how was your identity shaped by tulpamancy? Do you wonder what ifs, too?

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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On 10/25/2024 at 11:46 AM, Glaurung26 said:

What road did you travel down and how was your identity shaped by tulpamancy?

 

First of all, great discussion topic, really got us thinking!

 

TL;DR: For most of my life, my identity was shaped by my mental health issues. It's only now, as part of a system, that I feel like I'm getting to be my true self.

 

Warning for depression talk below.

 

I was a very emotional, sensitive, and perfectionistic kid with undiagnosed ADHD. I built up a lot of stress trying, and failing, to be good at everything and please everyone all the time. I was also being raised in a pretty religious household, and unfortunately, the things I was being told in Sunday school aligned with my budding mental issues in an unhealthy way. I deeply internalized the idea that I was a sinner, a bad person, and therefore deserved bad things to happen to me. I was 9 or 10 the first time I can remember thinking, “I don't deserve to live.”

 

In my teens, I became obsessed with anything involving zombies and robots. It was a major part of my identity during those years. Like, I'd get introduced to people as “our robot friend” kind of major. Looking back, it's because they symbolized the way I felt: like a lifeless husk, shuffling mindlessly through my programmed routine.

 

Things did get better once I got diagnosed and started treatment, but even during the happy times there was an emptiness inside me. I still lived in my head a lot of the time, and my head wasn't a nice place to be. I truly believed that if there was a reason I existed, it was to serve others and to suffer for my mistakes. Of course that was the depression talking, but still, that idea was central to my identity.

 

The world became such a brighter place after I found tulpamancy. For the first time in my life, there are people in this head who love me and think I deserve to be happy! My system has given me the strength to start healing and helped me find joy in everyday life. Deep down, I'm still that sensitive daydreamer I was as a kid, but I'm so much more resilient now.

 

On 10/25/2024 at 11:46 AM, Glaurung26 said:

Like a puzzle piece that fits me.

 

Yes, exactly this, but with a couple more pieces in our case lol. I just keep coming back to the feeling that this is how life was supposed to be this entire time.

 

On 10/25/2024 at 11:46 AM, Glaurung26 said:

Do you wonder what ifs, too?

 

Totally. There were a few “turning points” of sorts in my life, where I feel like things could have gone very differently if I had been mentally healthy. I used to think about them often, but lately it hasn't bothered me as much. My past is what it is. It was a difficult journey, but it led me here, and here is pretty good.

 

On 10/25/2024 at 11:46 AM, Glaurung26 said:

But I wonder what would have happened, who I would have been had a second X instead of Y showed up.

 

We've actually been thinking about this sort of thing a lot recently. I'm biologically female, but I always felt sort of different from other women. Not in an “I'm so different and special” kind of way, more like “wow, other women are so pretty and cool, so what the heck is wrong with me?” There were a lot of aspects of femininity that felt more like an obligation I had to perform than something I liked or wanted to do. Being a man doesn't seem any more appealing (or less, for that matter). I think I would have felt “off” no matter how I’d been born and eventually gone down a similar path.

 

Lenore really wanted to help me find a level of comfort with my gender, and at this point we're pretty sure I'm nonbinary. I'm sure there's some micro label out there that would perfectly describe my relationship to femininity but honestly, I'm not interested in finding it. Lately, I don't really care so much about fitting into other people's boxes. I'm just me, that's all I can bee.

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas (aka Tea) 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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1 hour ago, ReallyArtificial said:

I was a very emotional, sensitive, and perfectionistic kid with undiagnosed ADHD. I built up a lot of stress trying, and failing, to be good at everything and please everyone all the time. I was also being raised in a pretty religious household, and unfortunately, the things I was being told in Sunday school aligned with my budding mental issues in an unhealthy way. I deeply internalized the idea that I was a sinner, a bad person, and therefore deserved bad things to happen to me. I was 9 or 10 the first time I can remember thinking, “I don't deserve to live.”

Yep, unfortunately I've heard that a lot from people growing up in religious environments. Not to knock it for those that it helps but it can teach some very bad lessons sometimes. I didn't get reinforcement from religion but maybe just in general this feeling of unworthiness or being a waste of space or not valuable. Self-esteem is not my strong suit. I get a lot of self-worth from feeling like I've done something more than any internal value system. Maybe I'm just too passive or humble for my own good. I'm just grateful seem around me seem to like me usually. 

 

1 hour ago, ReallyArtificial said:

The world became such a brighter place after I found tulpamancy. For the first time in my life, there are people in this head who love me and think I deserve to be happy! My system has given me the strength to start healing and helped me find joy in everyday life. Deep down, I'm still that sensitive daydreamer I was as a kid, but I'm so much more resilient now.

Absolute samesies. It's nice to have a positive internal voice for once.

 

1 hour ago, ReallyArtificial said:

We've actually been thinking about this sort of thing a lot recently. I'm biologically female, but I always felt sort of different from other women. Not in an “I'm so different and special” kind of way, more like “wow, other women are so pretty and cool, so what the heck is wrong with me?” There were a lot of aspects of femininity that felt more like an obligation I had to perform than something I liked or wanted to do. Being a man doesn't seem any more appealing (or less, for that matter). I think I would have felt “off” no matter how I’d been born and eventually gone down a similar path.

 

Lenore really wanted to help me find a level of comfort with my gender, and at this point we're pretty sure I'm nonbinary. I'm sure there's some micro label out there that would perfectly describe my relationship to femininity but honestly, I'm not interested in finding it. Lately, I don't really care so much about fitting into other people's boxes. I'm just me, that's all I can bee.

At the end of the day labels are just for other people. You are who you are and all the messy specifics therein. Each side of the fence has its ups and its downs. It's really just about coming to terms with your own self and being comfortable with you are and what you like. Nonbinary is pretty cool. I've thought about it but I'm probably just non-conformist male. Ish. It's mostly GenX and Boomers now but I used to get a lot of crap for not liking cars, beer, sports or chasing women. I'm pretty sure I had several people convinced I was gay just because I had mostly male friends and didn't care about "guy stuff." Like, I'm just trying to do my own thing man. I'll worry about dating after I get a job and done with school. Now I've got Jaina so, mission accomplished, I guess. (yup 🤗👱‍♂️👩‍🦰❤️)

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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(edited)

I (host) have autism but have always had the ability to get 'lost in fantasy' from a young age my 'friends' were often animals or mythical creatures or aliens off Star Trek.

 

When I was still a teen my mum got cancer and I was nowhere near emotionally 'grown up' or ready for life without her. My mum had grown up in a religious famiy who believed in reincarnation and angels and stuff so in an attempt to console me I guess (and not understanding my penchant for over literalising everything) she told me to just talk to her but in my bedroom like I did to 'my friends' and she would be listening.

 

This resulted in for the first time of one of imaginery friends being based on a real life person and that she could somehow send me messages from heaven. I started by just having her picture up and talking to her photo then imagining she was alongside me but no-one else could see her then ...  One time I must have seen a TV program about conjoined twins sharing a body and was intrigued and fascinated .....what if her spirit could come inside my body then she could taste food again and experience running and riding a bike etc through me again..we could share this body and be together forever? 

 

At this age I had no idea what a dissociation disorder was or that it was common in people with autism. There was no internet back then so I did not know what a Tulpa was but I would think that it was at this point that my mum became more than just an 'invisible friend version of former self' as she wanted to be my age again and go to university...she became my 'secret twin'. 

 

For us looking in a mirror reinforced it because of course when she had been my age we looked very similar in the face as 'real (identical) twins' would and she didn't wear glasses back then so I could see her younger self looking back at me in photo's (old black and white photo's I had of her). ..I added her name (well the shortened version of it she had been known by) as my middle name and we choose the shortened version of our combined names that we wanted to be known by and appearance/ hair etc and went off to university!  The two of us combined effectively became my 'social mask' and who the outside world saw when they met 'this body'.

 

I did not learn of word Tulpa until I was in my forties but before that had come across the term Dissociative Identity Disorder and joined a board for more information. However I didn't quite fit the description and don't think I would get the diagnosis. I had never seen 'Kitty' as a version of me but she had seen other versions of me come to the front but they did not have their own seperate identities they were still just 'me from the past' ... ie a more child like me who wanted a teddy or a treat and always called her 'mummy'. ..their appearances were brief and often triggered by an 'autistic meltdown'. this suddenly started happening mroe frequently as I went through peri-menopause due to the severity of the mood swings but has again died down now I am post-meno.  'I' feel like 'one me' again but Kitty still exists as seperate as my twin and we also have Jess/Tinks who was created after the death of my dog who is a non-human Tulpa (changeling) that can switch between different animals or animal to human and back again.

 

BTW I had not heard of the term 'Animus' before until very recently when I'd got the game Assassins Creed:Valhalla cheap and as part of the story ...you start off as VIking so I thought it was similar to Skyrim but then at one point in the story a cinematic reveals that 'you' are in fact an archeologist in the present day standing over the grave of a Viking called Eivor (which really confused me at first) but then you go back in the house, talk to some other characters and get back into a 'sleep pod' thing which they call an Animus...as the cinematic ends as the present day character gets in and you go back to being Eivor the Viking ..suddenly I understood what the game was about!

 

However for myself with Kitty and Tinks that is not how we experience 'Tulpamancy'...we live as 3 souls sharing this body so we can remain together in this dimension and all move on into the next life together... (maybe we would be reborn as Triplets in our next life together?)  Whilst Kitty and Tinks both had 'a past life' (but as a part of my life) and a different physical body each..I am still in my 'current life' as the natal (original born into) soul of this body. ..we consider ourselves a 'soulbond system'.

 

They have chosen to stay so I do not have to cope alone with my physical conditions as spend alot of time housebound and alone in pain (arthritis) and too tired to have an active life (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome)...we do have an inner world/wonderland that we call 'the holodeck' where they can go for a break and do something different away from the confines of the body.

 

Tinks particuarly needs it being an animal in her past life she likes to revert to that form and be able to fly around or run fast like a panther or something. Kitty is just happy being able to experience been in her 50's (as she died young in her last life and we never got chance to life out our life together...this way we do!)

Edited by The Incans

Human Host: JJ (female, 55)

Main Tulpa Co Hosts: Kitty, Tinks

 

 

 

The Inca Trail

 

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@The IncansYeah it's fascinating how Tulpas intertwined with our upbringings and inner mental ecosystems. I think it must be a natural drive for some of us to create tulpas to assist ourselves in life. We all had different reasons but instinctively chose the same thing, creating "friends." I liked Valhalla too. 

Darron: Host 💍 

Jaina: Tulpa 💍 

(Raccoon Queen 🦝👸)

👨‍👩‍👧‍👦Dain and Nova

Aggrok: Tulpa Void Dragon

Viktor: 🐺

[DeviantArt]

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On 10/26/2024 at 11:24 PM, Glaurung26 said:

just in general this feeling of unworthiness or being a waste of space or not valuable. Self-esteem is not my strong suit.

 

Same, I would bet that applies to most people who take up tulpamancy. I think for a lot of us, mental health issues and/or not being neurotypical create a sense of isolation that fuels the natural drive you mention.

 

On 10/28/2024 at 5:03 AM, The Incans said:

However for myself with Kitty and Tinks that is not how we experience 'Tulpamancy'...we live as 3 souls sharing this body so we can remain together in this dimension and all move on into the next life together... (maybe we would be reborn as Triplets in our next life together?)  Whilst Kitty and Tinks both had 'a past life' (but as a part of my life) and a different physical body each..I am still in my 'current life' as the natal (original born into) soul of this body. ..we consider ourselves a 'soulbond system'.

 

((That's beautiful. I love the term 'soulbond.' Although Bee takes a less metaphysical point of view, I like to think of our system as four connected souls. I believe it's possible that we existed together before this life, and may exist again after. Regardless of the forms we take, we are destined to find each other. This time it happened to be as host and tulpas.

 

They say in an infinite universe all possibilities must exist. Perhaps in another place and time, I was the host. Perhaps elsewhere we each had a physical body of our own. These are the what ifs I think about.))

Host: Bee 🐝

Tulpas:  Lenore 🕸️ Calliope 🐲 and Athelas (aka Tea) 🌿 ((Sometimes we talk on here too.))

 

Take a moment to think of just 

Flexibility, love, and trust

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39 minutes ago, ReallyArtificial said:

 

 

 

((That's beautiful. I love the term 'soulbond.' Although Bee takes a less metaphysical point of view, I like to think of our system as four connected souls. I believe it's possible that we existed together before this life, and may exist again after. Regardless of the forms we take, we are destined to find each other. This time it happened to be as host and tulpas.

 

They say in an infinite universe all possibilities must exist. Perhaps in another place and time, I was the host. Perhaps elsewhere we each had a physical body of our own. These are the what ifs I think about.))


 


 

We believe we have been in each other lives many times..because kitty’s soul had passed and come back as a walk-in she has memories of other stuff I don’t yet. 
we have found twins in our family history that died in the Second World War. …called Violet and Lily.  …. In this lifetime we were born 24 yrs apart as mother and daughter …we think Kitty may have been Violet and the name she chose for me at birth means ‘Lily’ …though throughout her life she had no awareness of a past life because she had reborn as an infant (as had I) 
 

There are different kinds of walk-ins you don’t have to be reborn as an infant again after the soul leaves the current body, though most souls do walk-ins with strangers for a short or fixed period of time..maybe it was because of my disability as a child and she knew I wouldn’t get through university without help or maybe it was the twin bond? We feel our Tinks is also the same soul who has been pets in both our lives. Again the bond with her was more intense than I’ve had with any other dog and had 4.  Again she has come back to us as it’s the only way we can be together for now. Whether she will want to go back to being in a dogs body again after experiencing being a Tulpa and briefly experiencing being a human Tulpa with control over the body and a much deeper understanding of language I don’t know. 
 

we found this article interesting about different types of ‘walk-ins’ 

https://julianorth.co/blog/2020/02/walk-ins-why-some-souls-choose-to-hand-over-the-wheel

Human Host: JJ (female, 55)

Main Tulpa Co Hosts: Kitty, Tinks

 

 

 

The Inca Trail

 

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