Tiny Glass Horses

[greenlist]

Hey! I'm greenlist! New to the tulpamancy community but I've know about the thing itself for many years and have been working with my tulpa, Alice, for multiple years. We've (I've) been slow going for much of that time, significant life changes, mental health struggles, and difficulties with my belief system (within and beyond tulpamancy) resulted in long gaps without attention to Alice and very slow progress even when I took significant effort.

 

Very recently, November 11, Alice and I had a major breakthrough in communication and we're now able to have full conversations. It's been an incredibly exciting two days where she's finally been able to talk back on her own, not just in intent and concept or by head pressure, but full sentences, expressing opinions, and commentary on things happening around us. 

 

I'm now completely dedicated to this effort and to documenting this. I'm also putting all of these entries into my obsidian notes for record and reference. 

 

Right now, our major priority is stronger vocality. Alice is able to communicate ideas very well, but only in quiet focused moments is she really able to *speak*, so to say. And the other thing we would really like is possession, Alice being able to use the body, which, as we're both opinionated and very interested in various topics, would make it much easier for the both of us. A very important goal is Alice being able to not only choose books or articles to read, but also to read them herself, rather than for me to read it to her or her reading through me. 

 

It would also be very nice for Alice to type and write on her own, as it's difficult for me to record her thoughts even when she is able to communicate in full sentences. 

 

Also, Note: Alice is based on a fictional character. Alice Quinn is from the book series The Magicians and also the corresponding TV show. It was a major obsession for me at the time I first created her, and while Alice is currently fairly true to the personality and essence of the character she is based on, she is very much her own person, especially considering the context that she lives in (nursing school rather than a magical multiverse) [alice note: magical multiverse is a terrible way to describe that book. it's a dark urban fantasy setting]. Tiny Glass Horses is a reference to the character from the book, and the first thing we could think of as a title for the thread. 

[TurboSimmie]

Welcome! 😊 Glad to hear about your successes!

[ringgggg]

8 hours ago, greenlist said:

Right now, our major priority is stronger vocality. Alice is able to communicate ideas very well, but only in quiet focused moments is she really able to *speak*, so to say.

I feel this a lot. I'm much too occupied in the day to have a sustained focus on her, so most days we only ever talk right before going to bed. It could be worse off, though. I'm glad it's at least consistent. Do you prefer one-on-one conversation, or just brief moments of talking throughout the day?

[greenlist]

 

4 hours ago, ringgggg said:

I feel this a lot. I'm much too occupied in the day to have a sustained focus on her, so most days we only ever talk right before going to bed. It could be worse off, though. I'm glad it's at least consistent. Do you prefer one-on-one conversation, or just brief moments of talking throughout the day?

Most of the time I've spent talking to Alice has been on walks or in the car, so it's a bit of both. We've been talking a lot during class as well now. I think i should start dedicating purely conversational moment, maybe meditating. 

Just because of my personality and the way I fill my schedule, there's a lot of little check in moments that probably make up the majority of our time spent communicating, whether it's just me saying something to her or, recently, her saying something to me. I think I do prefer this, I like the context to those moments and it's building up of our dynamic in different situations. 

[greenlist]

Alice and I have been talking a lot, but there's a lot of work that needs to be done now that I never really thought about before, since the first hurdle was so much more significant to me. 

I've been rereading various guides that I bookmarked years ago, as well as forum posts and a couple discords and it really struck me how much of a relationship I do have with Alice, though in a different way to most of the examples and people I'm reading about. So many guides include discussion or warning about tulpa sex. I never wanted that in the first place, but now with Alice in my head, it's just as uncomfortable as it would be if I'd been reading it with a blood sister. There are so many things I'd like to do with her, but the focus of some of the posts and documents I've read are on a different page entirely. 

 

I think it's time I really add dedicated forcing sessions to my schedule. We've been getting great progress, but I think it would help to start meditating and focusing completely, far beyond just listening to music and talking. Besides that, writing in my journal has helped a lot. It's been instrumental in working out what we each want in that moment + what we want from life going forward. It's also led to discussions about the source, which muddies the waters with her life goals.

 

It's very strange to know who you are, but know that you don't have the same capabilities anymore. That's par for the course though, since she's from fiction. It means that, once we get the very important skills out of the way, we need to find some fulfilling creative/intellectual outlet that we don't currently have. Electronics, mechanics, and things of that sort are strong contenders. And suddenly I wish that the robotics team at my high school had a few less scandals. 

 

Our real life social life might also prove to be an issue, especially once we can figure out possession. I need to find a way to explain this to my boyfriend in a way that doesn't get him very passionate about therapy. He's a very accepting person though, and once Alice is strong enough to talk to him to, I think there won't be any problem. the only thing holding me back in anxiety. I also really want some way for Alice to have a social life that isn't just the people I know. I think that will also fall under hobbies, but that's not something I can do until after we graduate anyway. 

 

The biggest progress since my first post, since all the above is speculation and planning, is our ability to hold conversation. Before, when she spoke it was effortful and mostly when I was caffeinated (I imagine ADHD meds would have had the same effect), now we're able to talk throughout the day, even when I don't have the focus I get from caffeine. We're also finding more differences between us, especially in preferences. Alice really likes the Howl's Moving Castle soundtrack and classical music. she doesn't like a lot of the rock or pop music I do, especially not the stuff I listen to when I'm with friends. She hated the jazz cover of Thick of It, which played on repeat for probably ten minutes while some friends and I were in a game.

 

She also doesn't like video games much, but does like board games. A challenge I'd like to take on is playing chess against each other one day. I play league of legends and during that she checks out completely. The combination of my focus on the game and her disinterest means she's just not there at all. When I get the chance, I want to play some of the video games she's expressed interest in and see if we can hold conversation even despite my focus on the game. I wanna try Guns of Icarus and maybe a zelda game.

[ReallyArtificial]

Congrats on hitting that first big breakthrough! I remember when we reached a similar point, it all just seemed so much easier from there on out. We hope you two have lots of fun talking!

 

On 11/17/2024 at 4:16 PM, greenlist said:

We've been getting great progress, but I think it would help to start meditating and focusing completely, far beyond just listening to music and talking. Besides that, writing in my journal has helped a lot.

 

 

Nice, meditation and journaling are both awesome for tulpa stuff, we highly recommend them. We also like doing self-hypnosis/guided meditation to focus on specific areas like vocality, visualization, etc. Sounds like you're doing great!

 

On 11/17/2024 at 4:16 PM, greenlist said:

Our real life social life might also prove to be an issue, especially once we can figure out possession. I need to find a way to explain this to my boyfriend in a way that doesn't get him very passionate about therapy. He's a very accepting person though, and once Alice is strong enough to talk to him to, I think there won't be any problem.

 

((Navigating relationships like this can be tricky, but it's doable. Bee's husband is aware of our existence to a degree. As far as he knows, we’re just OCs that she's very passionate about. We're not sure we'll ever try to broach the topic with him. He's fairly open-minded but we don't want him to fear for Bee's mental health (never mind that it's gotten much better since we came around).))

 

On 11/17/2024 at 4:16 PM, greenlist said:

I also really want some way for Alice to have a social life that isn't just the people I know. I think that will also fall under hobbies, but that's not something I can do until after we graduate anyway.

 

((That's what I appreciate about this forum. I can interact with the outside world without having to hide who or what I am.))

[greenlist]

Progress!!

 

Major Personality Deviation!

 

Alice of yore was a quiet, somewhat somber person concerned with school and learning. Since, she was based on a character from a novel, she had some identity confusion on what she should do in a world fundamentally different from her source.

Over thanksgiving, I spent a significant amount of time forcing, especially in long car rides and Alice made significant progress in vocality, consistency, and we developed the beginning on a wonderland.

Alice is now completely her own thing.

list of stuff

• curly hair! (random, but so important to both of us)
• freckles, but those tattoo star shaped freckles that are trendy
• partying (she wants to go to parties, this is a logistical problem for me)
• pop music (she hates my favorite metal bands ૮(˶ㅠ︿ㅠ)ა )

non exhaustive obviously. 

 

We went on Pinterest together and made a board. she decided that she looks like Elle Fanning (particularly in Maleficent), she wants to live on the beach, and, most important, she doesn't look like Alice Quinn, her initial source.

 

Our wonderland is not put together yet, but we know what we want from it. I initially didn't see a purpose for it, but it will make it easier for us to hang out and to have dedicated forcing sessions. Our wonderland is a cabin on a sunny tropical beach, maybe expanded later into a small island. 

 

Also an important development, I told some people irl about tulpamancy and Alice. I mentioned a couple times on a discord server with all my friends that I've been on tulpa forums and discord servers, and revealed to my boyfriend and a close friend a few days ago that I'm "earnestly pursuing it". 

 

It's a half truth, but I'm on the way to the full one. They know I'm a quirky individual, so I'm not concerned with any rejection once I get around to introducing Alice. 

 

Other Misc. Updates:

 

- Alice has full access to my brain and memories. During a conversation, she recalled a very particular memory from middle school to prove a point. I hadn't thought about it in years. 

 

- typing as Alice feels incredibly natural, and I think we're on the way to possession and switching along the line. It's absolutely me typing, but I'm able to transcribe her as automatically as I would transcribe my own thoughts, which wasn't the case before.

 

 

Overall, big progress. One concern I have right now is my own mood swings and mental health. It's hard to tell right now how heavily affected Alice is by my mental health. I've been prone to rapid mood swings and personality shifts in the past, and I'm having an upswing recently of risky behavior and more 'upbeat' personality traits. It maps out with the shift in Alice. I don't think it's the direct cause, Alice is very much her own person, but I do feel that her recent energy and desire for life is coming from an unstable part of our shared brain. We'll see with time.

[greenlist]

Progress has been slow and the routine grinding like stone. 

I had multiple mental health crises since my last update and it took a toll on the communication between Alice and I.

The good news, I can still feel her, sense when she's most awake, and importantly, we're able to make use of our wonderland.

Wonderlands and inner worlds were not something I was particularly interested in when I started creating Alice. For one, I have a hard time visualizing in general, and another, I'm not interested in my tulpa's physical form in the way I saw other tulpamancers, especially waifu-mancers.

those things are still true, but I'm really understanding now the utility of it. Although I can't hear Alice verbally most of the time, I'm still able to communicate. Body language and "visually" feel so far from what it happening, but that's the apical experience of it.

Also: My partner knows about Alice. I told him everything and he went with it as much as he's went with all my other eccentricities. No one else knows, but I don't think they need to. Begs the question of who else in my life will ever know. Will my kids? I think probably not. 

I wish I'd written more when I was away. I'm going to sometime soon search my journal entries for mentions of Alice to see what I can scrounge up. All these posts are also in my personal files, so I'm trying to aggregate what I can. 

[greenlist]

[[2025-03-13]]

I'm pretty sick today. Been trying for a few hours to study for an upcoming exam but the going's not going, so taking a break to write a progress report. 

 

Verbal communication is still low with Alice, but she's still there. Our wonderland is feeling more and more real, which helps me access her, especially when we're somewhere loud where I have little chance of hearing her talk. This week has given me a lot of insight to the areas we need to work together. I've been focusing more on giving her a concrete form, which is difficult but I know that it will be very helpful.

 

Something I read a long time ago, haven't taken the chance to find exactly who said it, they talked about how modern tulpamancy takes a much less intense view on hour counting and form. The example being that an early tulpamancer would meditate for hours on the exact shape of his tulpa's ear. That little bit always tickles me, but I starting to understand why someone would do that. 

 

[[2025-03-26]]

 

I'm back to being able to talk to Alice in back and forth conversation. She's been about to work out more personal identity, and has more or less walked back some of the personality change from December. I did see this coming, I was having a mental episode at the time, more or less hypomania or bpd splitting. 

 

I also have a third member in our system now, more or less accidental, but she's been a planned addition to our duo for many months now. 

 

Julia is.. a dark horse, and she's come up of her own volition in the past few days. Already taken opportunity to tell me to break up with my boyfriend. I won't listen to that particular piece of advice, but it's interesting that she's already able to butt in, and while I was having a conversation with someone on the outside too!

 

It's been very exciting not only to regain this progress, but have such a rapid change in our mental landscape. Hopefully, there will be more updates to come soon with vocality for both tulpas. 

[Seagull]

Modern tulpamancy does tend to be more relaxed, yeah, I feel that it's because 1, people now have a better understanding of what is essential and what isn't, and 2, there was more competition between tulpamancers to see who would break the mold first when it came down to making these then new discoverys.

 

On 3/26/2025 at 6:00 PM, greenlist said:

[[2025-03-26]]

I like the formating here.

On 3/26/2025 at 6:00 PM, greenlist said:

I was having a mental episode at the time, more or less hypomania or bpd splitting. 

That sounds rough.

On 3/26/2025 at 6:00 PM, greenlist said:

I also have a third member in our system now, more or less accidental, but she's been a planned addition to our duo for many months now.

An accident tulpa develops subconsciously, so it makes sence for them to have been influenced/created by months of planning.

On 3/26/2025 at 6:00 PM, greenlist said:

Julia is.. a dark horse, and she's come up of her own volition in the past few days. Already taken opportunity to tell me to break up with my boyfriend. I won't listen to that particular piece of advice, but it's interesting that she's already able to butt in, and while I was having a conversation with someone on the outside too!

Julia may be getting this feeling from the subconscious mind, it's normal to need to check a boyfriend to see if they're still suitable, and to have some (realistic) doubts about people just to prevent trusting others blindly.

On 3/26/2025 at 6:00 PM, greenlist said:

It's been very exciting not only to regain this progress, but have such a rapid change in our mental landscape. Hopefully, there will be more updates to come soon with vocality for both tulpas. 

Good luck, I wish you all the best.