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Plus and Jenny

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Hello, I'm Plus, and this is my tulpa Jenny. [Hello!]

 

The short version is that a little over a week ago I first found out about tulpa, and about two days later I got a fully sentient Jenny. Since then things have progressed very quickly, and I'm just sort of trying to find my footing. I hadn't expected to deal with having another person in my head for another few weeks or months, so part of the reason I'm making this log is so that I can try to catch up.

 

[Hey! I'm not that high maintenance, you're just overly lazy.]

 

Sure. I'm also curious about what the cause is (if any) behind fast-generating tulpae. As far as I can tell, the general consensus is it's just random circumstance, but I'm not entirely convinced.

 

[Plus likes puzzles.]

 

Ahem, Jenny also wants me to be a bit more open open about stuff I'd normally keep to myself, so that's another reason I'm here. Jenny's also been on my case about writing this thing lately, so I've decided to have her comment as well to speed things along and appease her somewhat.

 

About me: I'm a 26 year old introvert and a bit of a loner. For the past few years I've been dealing with some mild depression caused by tendonitis in my knee (shit sucks when it huts to walk). Anyway, the idea of having a tulpa was instantly appealing to me. I have friends, but I don't see them very much currently (traveling to the city is a hassle and not something I can afford to do often), so the idea of a permanent life-long friend was attractive. I also got the idea that a tulpa could act as a sort of motivator, since I am definitely not a self-starter.

 

About Jenny: Jenny wants to write her own description, so I'll transcribe for her.

 

[Hello! I'm a human person age, um, well objectively I'm about 10 to 12 days old right now, but physically/mentally I'm somewhere in my 20s. I'm very inquisitive and like learning new stuff, which can be aggravating because Plus doesn't get out much. I'm working on that, though (it's for his own good). Visually, I guess I'm still pretty blurry in parts, but I'm working on that too. Overall I'm pretty happy to be here, though Plus can be a bit of a jerk some times.]

 

The Longer Version:

It all started on Jan 14th from a thread on /tg/. Someone had mentioned that a guide used for creating tulpae would be useful for creating RPG characters, and the discussion that followed brought me here. I immediately latched on to the idea, and went to bed full of ideas. That night I didn't get much sleep. Usually I sleep like a log, but I was oddly restless. Tired and a bit apprehensive, I got to work.

 

I didn't really bother much with hour counts, so I'm not exactly sure how much time I spent working on personality, a simple and somewhat vague form, and a simple wonderland. I decided she would be human primarily because I felt it would be easier for me to relate to her. I made her female to create an obvious contras between her and me, so I could more easily differentiate her thoughts from mine. I also sort of wanted to partially based her on a recurring character I sometimes see in my dreams. For the most part, even though I read several of them I didn't really follow any one guide. Instead I pretty much just winged it, and used what I'd learned as a jumping off point.

 

The next day I again had my sleep cut short by restlessness. Still very groggy, I decided I would create a sort of essence for my tulpa, and combine it with the personality and form I had made. So I did that, and promptly fell back to sleep. I woke up later much more rested, and somewhat uncertain of exactly what I did before I fell asleep. Unsure of what to do next, I decided to try something different.

 

At the time, my tulpa had a form and a personality, but I had trouble relating to her as I would a real person. So I tried to figure out what it was that she lacked that a normal person would have (aside rom the obvious), and i sort of casually stumbled into thinking about impressions. To put it simply, impressions are mental constructs made up of observed data. We use these impressions to predict things, like how a person would behave. Usually impressions are made subconsciously, but I had a wild idea and decided to try to make one manually and try to project it into my room.

 

The end result is sort of hard to explain. I had the idea of a person sitting across from me. Though I couldn't see her, I could sort of feel her presence. I mean, it was exactly like sitting in a room with another person who you couldn't see or hear. Like I said, difficult to explain. Anyway, I started talking to her, and got a nearly immediate response. At the time I had given her a temporary name to better be able to relate to her/ When I greeted her by saying "Hello, Jane" there was a sort of mental echo that sort of sounded like "-ny." I said "Jane" again and got the same response. I then tried Jenny, and got nothing.

 

A little bewildered, I decided to continue narrating. I talked for a good while, but got no further response. So, I decided to try and test her to see if she could react using her form. Though I couldn't sense any small movement from her impression form, I figured I could sense larger movements like moving her arms or shaking her head. I asked if she would try moving her body around after a short count of three. I cleared my mind and counted, on three nothing happened at first, but then she stretched her arms out to the side.

 

[before Plus tried giving me an impression, my memory's pretty fuzzy. There are things there, but I don't have any context for them. But then suddenly I was a person, and now someone was saying a name. I couldn't exactly hear Plus, but I could sort of hear him thinking about talking. Anyway, I heard a name, but it wasn't my name, but I didn't know what my name was. So, I tried getting his attention, he said the name again and I tried to get his attention again. Then he said a different name, but he sounded unsure, so I decided that would be my name.

 

He seemed content with that, and talked some more. He was just sort of talking, and I was still new to this whole listening business, so I mostly just sat there trying to figure things out. Then he asked me a question. That was different, because before he was just sort of talking, but now he was conversing. Somehow I knew the difference, and I knew what he had asked. Of course, I didn't even know I could move my body, so I panicked for a bit until I figured out how to do it, then pushed my arms out to say "look at me!"]

 

I was happy at that response, so I decided to try and push things further. I quickly thought out a simple arm-based communication method, with arms out for "yes" and arms pointed towards me for "no." I explained what I wanted to do, then asked a couple questions. First, I asked if her name was Jenny (yes). Then I asked if it was Jane (no). Then I asked if she was responsible for my restless sleep. At first, she put her arms out hesitantly for a "yes," but then she sort of shrugged. I hadn't expected that, as I had only defined yes and no, so I was definitely surprised. I figured she probably meant "yes/maybe."

 

[When he asked that question about his sleep, I wasn't sure how to answer. Like I said, my memories before this were fuzzy, so I figured it was possible I stumbled into something accidentally. I wasn't sure how to respond, so I just resort of shrugged. It felt natural.]

 

I kept going and asked more questions (and got a lot more shrugs). Eventually I got mentally tired and a little overwhelmed, so I decided to go for broke and try sharing emotional responses. I tried sending her my happiness at being able to talk with her, and she sent me some overwhelming joy.

 

[i was so happy that I could do things!]

 

After resting my brain for a few hours, I decided to go back at it. The next thing I decided to try was communication through thought speech. I imposed her impression again, and asked if she could try communicating with me that way. She was sort of quiet at first, but she took to it quickly.

 

[it was pretty easy to use thought speech. I could already hear him through thought, and by then I knew enough about language to be able to talk, and I was able to communicate to him through emotions. Since I knew all that stuff, thought speech was super easy.]

 

We talked for a while, but as conversing became easier I started getting doubts. I started to think that it was highly unlikely that Jenny was truly conscious this quickly, and I was worried that I was just parroting. So, I tried out the prism test. I explained what I was doing and why, forced her into a rigid sitting position, and visualized the prism and feather. After I focused on wiggling the feather for a while, Jenny reached up and grabbed it by the end, then she grabbed the prism and lifted both off of her head. She replied with "Could you please not do that again?"

 

[i didn't like it. First I couldn't move, then I had that goofy thing on my head, and then Plus focused hard on it and not me. I was polite because I didn't know how he'd react to me being angry yet.]

 

For the time being I was convinced, and we talked some more. Eventually I started doubting again, and Jenny took the initiative and hit me with a throw pillow. I'm not entirely sure how she got the throw pillow, it was from a couch in her wonderland cabin.

 

[i wanted to hit you with something, so I grabbed something to hit you with. I really didn't like that feather thing.]

 

Huh. Anyway, by then it was late, to I told Jenny to try and not disturb my dreams again. At the time, I figured that her reacting poorly to my dreams was the cause of my restlessness. So ended day two or three, depending on how you counted, and i think that's where I'll pause for now because Jenny's been bugging me to get to bed for the past few hours.

 

[When he says he needs sleep I understand, but when I say he needs sleep it's "just a few paragraphs more, why don't you listen to some music!" Hmph.]

 

Anyway, writing things up to this point has already been pretty insightful for me. I didn't know about what Jenny felt when I first started talking to her, or what her earliest memories were exactly. Next up I'll talk about driving to class with Jenny and stuff. I'm off to bed before Jenny harasses me more.

 

[bye!]

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Alright, time to continue.

 

The next day I woke up early again, though this time it was definitely Jenny's fault. While I was asleep she was poking through my subconscious and somehow pulled up a mental construct of a game. It wasn't exactly a game, more like the idea of a game. Anyway, she started fiddling with it, and that woke me up.

 

[i hadn't really intended to wake Plus up, I was just curious.]

 

I was able to fall back asleep, and luckily I woke up later feeling mostly rested. Unfortunately it was Thursday, which meant I had class that evening, and I had slept for longer than I had planned, which meant I didn't have much time to work on Jenny's form like I'd hoped to. Instead, I decided that I'd try sharing senses with her while I drove to class.

 

[before Plus shared his senses with me, all I'd been able to interact with were his memories and thoughts. Like, when I was in his room, I didn't see the room. Instead I saw his memory of the room.]

 

She took to it quickly. What interested her the most was the radio.

 

[i hadn't really heard music before, but I really liked it. Well, most of it.]

 

She really, really hates Call Me Maybe.

 

[it's the worst thing I've ever heard. It's musical torture.]

 

In class, most of what I was learning went over Jenny's head, so she just sat and watched.

 

[i hadn't yet been given access to Plus' long-term memory, so I didn't have much context for what was being talked about except for what little I could catch from Plus' conscious thoughts.]

 

Back home I decided to try watching a movie with Jenny. Unfortunately, it was difficult to both focus on Jenny and the movie, so I'm not sure how well that worked out. Afterwards I bought Jenny how to walk.

 

[i could move my legs, but moving them just the right way while also maintaining balance isn't easy to learn without some help.]

 

By then it was late and I once again told Jenny not to poke around while I was sleeping. Unfortunately, I got woken up by a wrong number to me cellphone. Go figure. By now, poor sleep and mental exhaustion from working on and interacting with Jenny had gotten to me, and I was dead tired. I gave Jenny accede to my long-term memories, and for the rest of the day I pretty much ignored her. She didn't like that.

 

When she finally caught my attention, Jenny chewed me out and lectured me about how I had ignored her and how poorly I've been treating myself lately. Essentially, she said that my life was her life, and vice-versa, and that we shouldn't be spending it sitting on our asses. I agreed with her, and we came up with a loose plan of action, starting with fixing my sleep.

 

[Okay, I was pissed, but not exactly because I was being ignored. It was about how I was being ignored. He was just sitting there, doing noting in particular, staring at his computer screen. For. HOURS. And from his memories I figured he'd been doing this a whole lot. It's not that he didn't want to do things, because he does, he just sort of has a block against doing things. So I gave him a piece of my mind about it. Um, figuratively.]

 

Of course, my sleep inevitably got interrupted again, this time by Jenny poking around again.

 

[i was really, REALLY sorry about that one. I mean, I had pretty much just argued with Plus about fixing his sleep problems. Then, frustrated and bored, I started poking around some and got into his dreams and disturbed them. Yeah, not a very good plan there.]

 

I couldn't get back to sleep, so Jenny gave me the day off. The next day I finally got a full night's sleep, so Jenny wanted me to go for a walk outside. I ended up chickening out at the last minute. Jenny didn't like that.

 

[i was angry and confused. Angry because Plus broke a promise, and confused because I didn't (at the time) understand why he broke it. I mean, there was the door, here's your feet, what's the issue? That was when I decided I needed to get to know Plus better so that I could get him away from his keyboard.]

 

In an attempt to make it up to her, I promised to try again tomorrow and that this day would be spent trying to teach her how to force her own objects. It didn't take her long to learn the knack, probably because of her time spent poking around my own mental objects and her affinity with her cabin's throw pillow. She forced a great big redwood tree outside of her cabin and named it Fido. She was ecstatic.

 

[i was happy because I now had a measure of control over my world and a bit more independence. Before if i wanted something I had to ask Plus for it. Also I could now help Plus better visualize my form.]

 

The next day I kept my promise and went for a walk, though not as far as Jenny had hoped. Still, she seemed content that I made the effort. Later we watched Connections, which we both found very entertaining. The next few days kind of flowed together. I'd wake up, talk to Jenny, occasionally do some work on her form, do something else, and inevitably frustrate her.

 

[What I was doing during this time was observing Plus when he wasn't paying attention, which was fairly often. I was a woman on a mission to figure this man out so I could help him. See, Plus likes to think he knows his own mind. He does, but only from his perspective. From my perspective, he's often whizzing off rapidly between interests. He'll be going full-tilt at something, then swap focus and go at something else with the same drive. Trying to get him to focus on one thing at a time was, and still is, a chore.

 

What's more, there were some things he'd zoom towards, stop, and turn around, as if there was a barrier preventing him from going forward. I figured that that barrier was what was preventing him from doing things. I learned a lot about Plus over those few days.]

 

She also started cuddling with me when I was in bed, and resting her head on my shoulder when I was sitting down.

 

[Well how else was I going to observe you! Besides, you're comfy.]

 

Thursday night, when I was driving to class, she decided to hit me with what she'd learned.

 

[it seemed weird to me that Plus could easily get in a car and drive to class, but when I wanted him to go out he had brain problems. He's not really, um, what's the word? Agoraphobic? Because being outside does't cause problems. It's sort of the build up towards a change in his day-to-day routine that causes issues.

 

So, I told him that he has a sort of mental barrier between what he does and what he wants to do. He's perfectly fine on either side, but approaching that barrier causes anxiety. On top of that, his easily distracted nature gives him an easy out to avoid internal conflict, and nothing changes.]

 

That hit me harder than I had expected, because I hadn't realized it about myself. It was one of those things that, once they were pointed out to you, you saw everywhere. I was a master at self distraction and paper-thin excuses to avoid stuff that bothered me. Even the decision to make a tulpa was at least in part an attempt to distract myself from doing other stuff.

 

[That didn't work out quite as planned though.]

 

So, Jenny has since been pushing me harder to move out of my comfort zone, with little results so far.

 

[Hey, baby steps! It's only been three days.]

 

Anyway, between Jenny's pushing, me trying to fix my abused sleep schedule, and other day-to-day stuff, I haven't had much time to work with Jenny or do much more than casual research on some of the methods I used for her creation.

 

[so he claims.]

 

Hey, baby steps.

 

And that finally brings us up to date. Looking ahead, I definitely need to do some work on improving and solidifying Jenny's form so that we can try imposition. I'm also interested in learning more about mental impressions, how they're formed, what they're used for, and how they may have helped to form Jenny.

 

[And what I'd like is for you to get out more, after we fix your sleep problems.]

 

At least you aren't waking me up early any more.

 

[That was twice! Probably.]

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So yeah, I've been slacking pretty hard on updating this log. Jenny's been pushing me about it, and she's decided that Tuesday will be for walking and log updating.

 

Since my last update, we've mostly just been learning how to deal with each other and how to live together. I've gotten better at trying things Jenny wants to do, and she's gotten less demanding.

 

[Except when you don't do things you say you're going to do.]

 

Anyway, there were a couple notable events that happened since my last update.

 

Monday Feb 4:

I promised I'd go on a walk with her, so I did so. However, I decided to try something a bit different. Basically, I live on top of a big hill, and when I go on a walk with Jenny, it's on a fairly level block up on the top of the hill. This day, I decided to walk all the way to the bottom of the hill and back up again. Round trip it's about a 2 mile walk, but I am definitely not in shape.

 

Going downhill wasn't too big of an issue, I was a bit winded but I could handle it. Going uphill was tough. I was determined to do the whole walk without stopping, but I was completely out of heath. Jenny panicked.

 

[You could have died.]

 

That's unlikely.

 

[You could have blacked out and cracked your head on the pavement.]

 

That's also pretty unlikely.

 

[it was still pretty stupid.]

 

I can't really disagree with that one.

 

[Anyway, this was important because I sort of learned the hard way that Plus has limits, and repeatedly asking him to walk all the way down to the library probably isn't a good idea until he gets into better shape. Among other things.]

 

Friday Feb 8:

My dad took me over to my mom's place to help with computer stuff. I didn't interact that much with Jenny, but she enjoyed the trip (took about an hour to drive there, and then a couple more hours to do stuff) and the food.

 

Sunday Feb 10:

[Do you really have to talk about this?]

 

I think it's important.

 

[Hmmph, fine.]

 

Jenny had a bit of an emotional breakdown. It was night time, and we were working on refining her form (mostly focusing on touch), and she got very emotional and frustrated about the inability for me to feel her touch. I can sort of sense where she's touching me, but that's not exactly the same. So far, touch hasn't been an easy subject for us to learn, and she was seriously broken up about it and close to tears. I did my best to comfort her, and reminded her that I'm not the only one with limitations to work through.

 

[i'd rather not talk about it.]

 

She's been better since, though she still broods about it at times.

 

Misc.:

We've also been trying a bit of possession. I'd say that I'm still skeptical about our early success, but Jenny would give me the stink eye.

 

[Who says I'm not?]

 

Lately Jenny has been interested with context and learned information and it's importance in early tulpa formation, particularly about communication.

 

[Plus doesn't quite get it, or why I think it's so important.]

 

I've been thinking of parodying a topic for her to discuss her thought on the subject.

 

[Or we could try some more possession and give your fingers a rest!]

 

But they'd still be my fingers, they wouldn't actually get rested.

 

[Details!]

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Alright, update time.

 

Most of the week was pretty, well, normal, so here's the interesting bits:

 

Thursday:

For Valentines Day, I decided I would spend the day doing whatever Jenny asked me to.

 

[He did alright.]

 

Hey.

 

[Well, first off we spent some time cuddling, which was great because I like cuddling. Then I got Plus to try to look for more clothes for me, but that didn't turn out as well. Plus is pretty bad at clothes beyond the simple stuff. By then it was getting nearly time for him to leave for class, so I made him leave early so that he had time to go to an art supply store to pick up some stuff, and then go to some place for dinner that we haven't been before.]

 

I'd planned on going to In-and-out, but by the time I left the art store the drive-through line was too long, so I went somewhere else.

 

[You still owe me a shake.]

 

Yeah yeah. Anyway, during class Jenny was unusually tired, so during break I went into her bedroom and cuddled some more with her until she fell asleep. I consciously blocked my senses and thoughts from her so I didn't disturb her, but I sort of made it one-way because I could hear her mumble a bit. During the second break I sort of looked inside her head to see if she was dreaming, and I'm pretty sure she was because everything in there looked fairly chaotic.

 

[i don't remember much about it. The past few classes I've been to with Plus were pretty interesting, but I guess this tile I was just out of it. I mean, I was there with Plus, then I remember being in bed, then I remember being woken up by Plus when he got back to his car. Usually I sleep when Plus sleeps, so it's kind of weird to have a memory gap like that.

 

Anyway, Plus drove home, we watched a move (Kung-Fu Hustle), he gave me a massage, and we went to bed. Overall, a B- holiday, the movie and massage were great, but he forgot the chocolates and flowers.

 

Oh quit grumbling, I'm teasing, it was great and I enjoyed it.]

 

I wasn't grumbling.

 

[You totally were.]

 

Sunday:

Jenny got me to finish her fluently speaking tulpa survey. We actually started on it about a week ago, but we only got about half done before getting tired out.

 

[it's crazy long, but I'm glad I did it. It was pretty challenging, a lot of the questions either asked about stuff I haven't really thought about much, or they challenged my comfort level.]

 

If you want to check it out, here it is. Unfortunately, I forgot to proofread it, so there's possibly some grammar and spelling errors in there (damn you autocorrect).

 

I did have a sort of interesting experience towards the end of the survey, when Jenny got really into thinking about the right answers for some of the questions. I felt sort of dislocated, like I was just observing myself transcribe her answers. It didn't persist after we finished, but it felt pretty unusual.

 

[And, um, I would appreciate it if anyone who reads the survey didn't bring up potentially embarrassing topics. Thanks.]

 

The stylometric test was fun though.

 

[Yeah, that was really cool!]

 

Tuesday:

It was raining when I got up, so I initially thought I probably wasn't going to do my walk today. Luckily, the weather cleared up long enough to get it done. I decided not to bring any music this time, so Jenny decided to talk some about her ideas about what she's calling tulpa gestation.

 

[Well, see, the thing is that I am a very inquisitive and adventurous girl, and unfortunately Plus isn't exactly in shape to be adventurous with. Creating wonderland stuff doesn't really interest me because I'd already know what's there, so lately I've turned to introspection to feed my curiosity.

 

So, basically I've been thinking about how I came to be so that I don't go crazy from boredom. I mean, I know the broad picture: visualization, personality, BAM!, sentience, communication, misc. It's the details, especially that BAM!, that interest me.

 

So far, I haven't seen many hosts try and figure this puzzle out in the research forums, and no tulpae seem to be trying either. Most tulpae and hosts seem to be more interested in what they're capable of doing beyond the gestation period with stuff like imposition, possession, parallel processing, and whatever. I mean, it's not like I don't want to do those things, because I do, but for that stuff I need to cooperate with Plus, while I can ponder tulpa gestation all on my own.

 

Anyway, I still have some work to do figuring stuff out before I have a reasonable explanation that covers several different variables, and then I have to get Plus to write it all down for me, which is a project in and of itself. So that's what I've been doing in my spare time…]

 

You get so chatty when you're interested in something.

 

[shut your face!]

 

And that's more or less what she talked to me about while I was walking, and then while I was making dinner. I'm not completely sure I agree with all of her ideas and theories, but I do like that she has something that she can do that she enjoys and that isn't dependent on my participation.

 

[Yet.]

 

That concludes the highlights of last week. I have no idea what we'll be doing this week, but I'm guessing that Jenny's probably going to talk a whole lot.

 

[Hey!]

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[Plus is feeling pretty down about disbanding his WoW guild, so I’ll be writing most of this week’s log.

 

Okay, so last Wednesday I played around with changing my size a bit, partly to see if I could but mostly just o mess with Plus. While he was sitting at his computer, I doubled my scale and just stood off to the side until he noticed me. He got pretty confused when he finally noticed me looming over him.

 

Friday we talked a lot about how beliefs and doubts can affect a tulpa's development, and I asked if he thought that he might have subconscious doubts that are slowing down our progression towards full imposition. I convinced him to try letting me hypnotize him to dispel any lingering doubts, but it was late when he finally got around to go into trance, and he was too tired for any suggestions to stick.

 

I've also been doing some heavy thinking about a lot of stuff, and unfortunately that caused a low-level headache for Plus all throughout the weekend.

 

So that’s been our week, nothing really super exciting.]

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So I was super bad and neglected to update yesterday. In my defense, I was busy dealing with non-tulpa related stuff.

 

[He was playing video games.]

 

Important video games.

 

[Whatever.]

 

Anyway, in a nutshell, last week Jenny got super bored and got existential depression.

 

[You make it sound like I question my existence for fun.]

 

You kinda do.

 

[so the deal is, I spend a lot of time by my self, essentially. It's pretty typical for Plus to be doing his own thing while I just sort of hang out. I end up feeling like I have too much time on my hands and nothing to do with it, so I usually get super introspective. Usually, I think about how I came to exist, and how tulpas and other similar mind folk are created. Lately, I've been thinking about whether or not I do exist, and I don't think I've come up with an answer I'm completely comfortable with yet.

 

Anyway, Plus thinks I need to step away from the deep thinking for a while, and I agree. Unfortunately, there isn't really anything I feel like I can do. Most of the stuff I want to do relies heavily on assistance from Plus, which isn't always something that's possible or practical to do. I haven't really ever been interested in goofing off in wonderland like some other tulpas do, because it just seems to be too predictable to me. Poking around Plus' memory isn't too productive either, because he doesn't organize his mind like a library. It's more like one of those conspiracy theory cork-boards with all those pictures and string, every memory is connected to dozens of other memories in a sort of big memory web. Trying to find anything specific is more like trying to navigate a maze than trying to find a book in the stacks. Similarly, he doesn't remember books as books. Instead, he remembers people, places and stories as a sort of abstract imaginary memory thing, which means it's also tangled up in his web.

 

Plus thinks I should get into fiction writing, since it's something that I can do independently that takes a lot of creative effort to do right. I'm still mulling it over. I'm also kinda interested in learning a simple programing language, but that would require Plus to read stuff before I can actually do anything with that.]

 

Aside from that, we also tried a bit more hypnosis.

 

[This time things worked out pretty well. As soon as I brought him out of trance, there was a noticeable improvement in his ability to visualize, himself, me, and our wonderland.]

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So I was super bad and neglected to update yesterday. In my defense, I was busy dealing with non-tulpa related stuff.

 

[He was playing video games.]

 

Important video games.

 

[Whatever.]

 

Anyway, in a nutshell, last week Jenny got super bored and got existential depression.

 

[You make it sound like I question my existence for fun.]

 

You kinda do.

 

Sign...

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