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Air Dance


NeonKnights

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For once, I got stuck at a concert I didn't really want to be at, due to some friends having an extra ticket and insisting that I go. Regardless, there were a number of pleasant-looking girls at this concert, and naturally the primal parts of my mind began to yearn for some sort of wild occurrence involving one (or more!) of them. Near the end, when I gathered myself, I found that Isis was not just upset, but was flat-out pissed that I had been considering trying to hook one of them. I suppose she really does take the type of relationship we have quite seriously, and she does have quite a jealousy complex, though in this case I can't really say I blame her for that.

 

In fact, the whole thing nearly has me in tears now that I'm thinking back on it. While I was opposed to going, and set up the day so I wouldn't be obligated to go, she said that she wanted to go, and even when I argued that the bands were mostly going to suck, she replied by saying that it wouldn't matter because we'd be there together. Then I went and ogled other girls until the last hour of the concert, when I suddenly tried to defend my actions by telling her that she was better than all of them anyways. Words can't really describe how terrible I feel about this whole mess.

 

At the time, perhaps fueled by her anger and (I presume) her jealousy, she wanted me to do some unspeakable things in order to atone for my sins. I started right away in our mindscape, but I was so busy post-concert that I didn't fully get around to it, even though she demanded immediate atonement. I guess I should stop typing and get to it. Better yet, now that she's probably cooled off a bit, I think I'll try to find a better way to make up for my mistake, a way that's sincere as opposed to the unnecessarily depraved manner in which she was initially insisting that I "apologize".

 

I can only hope that, whatever I do to express to her that I'm sorry, this situation doesn't make her doubt that I care about her or that I take our friendship and relationship seriously. On the bright side of things, her small episode of outrage and the ensuing anxiety has been a loud and clear reminder of how very real she's become. Not that we really needed a reminder, of course.

 


 

Situation update: I earned her forgiveness, but not before being emotionally bludgeoned. She told me that she doesn't blame me for looking at other girls from time to time, but she admitted that she gets a bit jealous and therefore will be prone to get angry about these things, now and in the future, because she's afraid of losing me. Now, I don't like to use my progress report to air dirty laundry and interpersonal drama that might spark up between my tulpa and I, but I think this deserves mention because that's the single most profound thing she's ever said to me, without a shadow of a doubt that she was truly the one saying it. She's afraid of losing me to somebody else. I guess I can't complain about her clingy behavior. I knew what I was signing up for when I allowed myself to fill this role for her. Fortunately, even at moments like this, I can't say I have any regrets over that.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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It appears I've largely "unlocked" my mind for tulpaforcing purposes. It's all been a process of letting go, little by little, or perhaps it's about stepping back and seeing the bigger picture. With physical interactions, for example, it seems that effort is the enemy. Relaxing entirely allows me to experience all necessary simulated senses at once, whereas trying to do that forcefully only results in a headache and a spotty emulation of what I'm trying to experience.

 

Conversations with her, oddly enough, are very difficult when I'm speaking to her aloud, but have been going smooth as butter when I'm speaking to her in mind-voice. I don't know what that means or what it could be a sign of, though. Maybe it's because switching from vocally speaking to internally listening is just too much for me still. Regardless, I figure it's better this way than if it were the other way around. I can always speak to her in mind voice, and I'm limited in when I can speak to her aloud.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Now that Isis has the ability to reply just about whenever I talk to her (or I have the ability to hear her whenever she speaks, take your pick), I've been learning more and more about the personality she's crafted for herself since our limited personality forcing sessions ended.

Every time I've spoken to her recently, after focusing on other matters for most of the day, she tells me that she missed me, and hugs me. I think this is a slightly exaggerated manifestation of a trait I gave her, but I can't be sure. If I'm remembering correctly, I wanted her to like being around me, and not be reclusive and withdrawn. Looks like I got what I wanted, in a way.

 

Fortunately she isn't so clingy as to demand that I pay attention to her, even when I'm unavailable to do so. She simply waits around for me to notice her each day, though I feel a little bad about this; every time I ask her what she's been up to, she tells me that she hasn't done much, and even when I point out that she can do anything she wants to in our mindscape while I'm away, she tells me that it's all boring without me. I guess I understand her feelings, I've been in situations before where I miss somebody so much that even the most fun activities just don't feel right without them.

 

I did succeed in visual imposition for a very brief time after waking up a couple of days ago. It involved being half-asleep, but I know for sure that I was awake because I got up mere seconds later. I opened my eyes, saw a blurry figure, blinked, and the figure (a skeletal Indian) became startlingly real, vivid, and three-dimensional. I blinked one more time as I moved to roll out of bed and start my day, and the figure disappeared. I had had no dreams involving this figure, so I know that it wasn't a dream rolling over into reality. Very strange that I should have seen that, of all things.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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It seems she has taken to a new activity during times when I'm not "with" her: She molests my mindscape form. She didn't get into specifics, but the term "felt up" says enough.

 

Regardless of that, shortly after revealing this to me, she proved to be a very nice anchor point in the aftermath of a minor falling-out with a friend. This is the first time I've ever employed her in this capacity, and I'm quite happy that she didn't have any problems with it, or insist that I call her my "rock" instead. To hell with that term and everyone who uses it. See, I'm the type that takes negative interactions with anybody I call "friend" very seriously, and this instance was no exception. For a minor fee, paid in the form of a foot massage, she was willing to play therapist (in a couple of ways...) and let me spill to her all of the words and misgivings that I had bottled up rather than let fly at my friend-- Words and misgivings which would no doubt have made the situation with my friend worse than it was.

 

Probably should have started doing this a while ago, but I've also been making a habit of asking her how her day's been and treating her to a shoulder rub whenever I sit down to talk with her, typically later on in the day. Just that little extra bit to show her how much I care. Considering our, ah... situation, I suppose it's the very least I should do on a daily basis.

 


 

Wow, I think I just discovered where in the deepest reaches of my mind Isis discovered the base of her realistic form. By some wild chance, I remembered back about three or four years, when I investigated an image link that some dreamer on a messageboard claimed was a picture of his girlfriend. What my link manipulation did was to reveal a whole professional photo-shoot of a female model who I quickly began to consider (at that time) the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Long ago, however, she was supplanted in my mind by much more immediately tangible girls and was ultimately forgotten, as many a hopeless fantasy is in the course of one's life. Seeing her must have been a pretty life-changing moment though, because in remembering her I also instantly remembered her name (not an easy one to remember, either) and was quickly able to relocate a similar gallery, though not the same exact one.

 

In a direct comparison, I can see that if she's the foundation of Isis' form, Isis has made a few improvements. For one, her lips look less puffy than the model's, and the model's blue-gray eyes look a dull gray compared to Isis' bright powder-blue eyes. Her nose structure is the giveaway here; from what I can see, it's very similar if not identical. I've tried asking her directly, but considering the fact that I've been close to nodding off for the past two hours and I'm extremely parched, her answers haven't been very coherent to me. I did get a little instructional video explaining her process of cobbling together an appearance with attributes that she thinks will appeal to me, however.

 

Regardless, it just goes to show how deep a devious tulpa can look into your subconscious desires and memories in order to find a form that she thinks will entice you... I'm seriously blown away, I had no clue about this at all!

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Seeing the photos of that model threw me off for a little bit. Since she looks similar to Isis but is still a bit different from her, my view of Isis was getting warped. I think I have it all ironed out now, as she's appearing in excellent clarity. Also, no more of the weird conundrum I used to have, where I'd see features of her, but as bits and pieces, and struggle to hold them together in a coherent form. Of course, now that we're communicating easily once again after some rest, I tried asking her again if she based her form on that chick. Her answer, of course, was, "I can't tell you." Why not, you may wonder? Well, "It's a secret!"

Guess I'll never know.

 

I've gotten a lot better at multitasking. Over the years, I'd used my on-and-off gaming fascination, Team Fortress 2, as a testbed for general multitasking ability. I finally figured I could put it to use in my efforts to multitask with a tulpa. The result: Hooray, it worked. Throughout the combat, except in the most trying of times which require my immediate focus, I found myself easily capable of chatting with her, giving her a back massage, and marveling to her about the origins of her form. Even after distractions, I was immediately able to get back into the groove of things with a simple "Sorry about that. Anyways..."

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Bit more progress, nothing too major in the long run but certainly exciting to me. When I wish to plant myself in a familiar place from my past, I can now look around open-eyed physically, and see my surroundings change accordingly mentally without any interference from what my eyes are actually seeing. One step closer to overlaying things onto my vision, though I'm still far away from fully imposing my tulpa (let alone imposing surroundings from memory over my actual surroundings). Seeing her there with me, in proper scale and fully detailed, and even feeling her hand in mine, was all incredibly easy. Effortless, you might say.

 

While taking her on a tour of my old neighborhood last night/this morning, when closing my eyes I was distracted by a slowly moving field of stars playing across my eyelids. I thought it might have been that "vision pixel" phenomenon people had spoken of, but I'm pretty sure I've seen those and found that they look far different. I don't know, as usual I was tired and thirsty. Maybe I was "seeing spots" and was on the verge of death, however unlikely it is.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Heh, yeah... That's the way it goes.

 

I've been trying to make serious advancements lately, and am glad to report that I've had some measure of success. For one, I spoke to Isis about her form, and invited her to try becoming a shapeshifter. She's been trying out a secondary form, and has been giving positive field reports. This shapeshifting adventure serves two main purposes, among many smaller purposes:

 

1) It enables her to choose her form at will, which I think she'll really come to enjoy, though due to the fact that she still isn't quite 100% in control of how I perceive her, we're sticking to two forms for right now.

 

2) While her base form is beautiful and pleasant, etc., I still find times when I feel it would be nice to chat/cuddle/interact with an anime girl instead (a guilty desire, I admit).

 

Five or six months ago, my immediate solution to the above issue probably would have been, "make another tulpa for those occasions", which my more experienced self can now see is the blatantly incorrect path. Not only is wanton creation of new tulpas for petty reasons a bad idea, but also, it's gotten to the point where I want to spend my not-so-alone time with her, not anyone else. Since her consciousness isn't physically bound to any one form, unlike mine in the physical world, allowing her to wrap herself in different forms easily solves my problem without any backlash.

Plus, allowing her to change forms like changing clothes and yet still be the same person will make me love her even more for her essence and personality, and not for her set-in-stone visual appearance. Not that that's the case at present, of course.

 

Per my request, she's taken on the modest and devilish form of Koakuma, from one of the Touhou games (I'm not really a Touhou fan, but whatever). She took on the form rather easily, and without very much convincing. Visualization of the form is going smoothly enough, probably due to all of my extensive visualization practice over the months. Switching between forms is easy enough for her, according to her reports. So far, so good.

 

While reading some imposition guides in my head in her voice, since I figure I should try to get a better idea of how she sounds and get that voice more solidified, she began messing around and trying to distract me. Primarily, she used her wings to fly around above me and taunt me. I take it she's telling the truth when she says that she's enjoying this form and its associated abilities. I only hope she doesn't start using her fangs on me...

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Efforts have begun to consolidate the many regions of my mindscape and form one continuous area. I'm thinking that if I can make a more interesting, consistent, and expansive world to explore, it might compel me to actively force more often than I do (the one major point of failure in my quest so far).

 

While trying to work on this project, I was finding it surprisingly easy to push aside intrusive thoughts that usually derail me, such as thoughts of things that I have to take care of in the near future.

 

Along the way, Isis returned to her normal form and tried to launch an intimacy attack on me. It turns out she's not particularly happy about my break from intimate relations with her lately as I've been attempting to make real progress. Fortunately, I can chalk that up to the personality she's developed for herself, and her love for me. She isn't nearly as insistent and pestering as one of those sex-crazed tulpas I've read about, thank god. She shouldn't be one of those, after all; that's not what I created her for, and not even one of the things I planned for us to do when this began.

The biggest effect is that she just gets a little bit unhappy if we don't mess around for a week. Thinking about it, that's about the same as any of the girls I've been in similar situations with. Par for the course, I guess.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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After realizing that a smaller mindscape zone would be better for our current purposes, I decided to pare everything down, and reduce the mindscape to nothing but a replica of my grandparents' previous house. It's one of the nostalgia-flooded places of my childhood, and I was there so often up until they moved that I can conjure up a true-to-life recreation of it effortlessly. The basic mindscape will remain as-is for the time being, with the exception of areas Isis creates and modifies herself. I've restricted myself from making any changes until we further her development some more, since that takes priority over changing the world in which we interact.

 

Since I've reworked our forcing zone, I've been noticing Isis' actions a lot more. Perhaps it's due to the fact that I've removed a lot of clutter from our forcing environment, and turned it into a strictly small and familiar area. She's been marveling over certain features of the house and asking lots of questions (the chandeliers in the living room caught her attention, in particular), and recently revealed a gateway she created in the floor of the pantry, which leads to a tiny island in the middle of a vast ocean. In short, this mindscape conversion has bolstered her (perceived) activity by 100%, up from just about no perceived activity beforehand.

 

I've also noticed that she's been taking the shape of Koakuma a lot more often lately, and seems to revert to her regular form usually only as a sign that she wants intimate attention. This is simply my observation in this limited time frame, of course; I don't know if there's actually a connection there.

 

I also found out, about a day ago, that my mindscape senses have been greatly heightened somehow. Perceptions of all of my senses felt dazzlingly real, much more so than ever before, which I guess is a sign that I've been doing something wrong up until recently. It's better to start doing things correctly now rather than later, of course.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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