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NeonKnights

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Yes indeed, moving right along, if not very slowly. Ah well, doesn't really matter as long as I get to spend time with her!

 

I've been obsessing over putting the finishing touches on my car's suspension restoration, and so I've been very busy working on the car, and while not working, thinking and planning. It's made forcing very difficult, which I feel is hampering my efforts a bit.

 

I did buy a Zippo lighter with my tulpa's name engraved on it, partially because my cheap unauthentic knockoff Zippo broke and partially because I thought it would be a neat item to have. I'm not a smoker, but since I always find myself needing a lighter for some reason or another, I figured, "why not?".

This would have been perfect for reminding myself to think about her a long time ago, when that was an issue. Since I'm almost always thinking about her these days, though, it's really just a neat little utility item with some sentimental value which I can carry around with me wherever I may go.

 

I've noticed that most of the time, when I enter my mindscape I receive a rush of sensory recollection as the look, smell, and temperature of the house come back to me all at once, tied together with the sound of the front screen door's hydraulic arm easing it to a close. As all of this happens, Isis usually comes bounding down the stairs and greets me with a big hug. Now that inspiration is striking me, at this very moment, I think I'll go back to forcing. I might have just figured out a way to expand my world without making it excessively complex. More to come later.

 


 

It kind of worked. My thought was to turn the portal she had created in the pantry into an all-purposes portal, through which we could go anywhere we wanted to. Of course, after an hour of trying to do things (exploring a haunted mansion, commandeering a battleship and blowing apart a shoreline, going for a walk through a forest), I gave up out of boredom. I'm getting really fed up with myself lately for this exact reason. It seems that every time I try to actively force, no matter how well-rested, well-fed, etc., I tend to drift away out of sheer boredom. It's not that I'm bored of my tulpa, not at all. It's that nearly everything I come up with to do with her gets really stale and boring, really fast. What's worse is that it's not even a matter of having to give up for the moment and come back to it later. It's a case of not being able to force very productively in weeks. I'm not planning to give up, but I am reaching a dangerous point of despair with this issue. Hopefully I'll find a way to resolve this soon enough...

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Nothing's really come to mind to resolve my forcing situation, but I have been increasingly fascinated with the concept of organizing things by creating a library of my mind and a tulpa (or perhaps just a servitor) of Patchouli Knowledge to be a sort of resident administrator of the library. I've been playing around with this idea for the past day or two, and have decided that it probably couldn't hurt to give it a try.

 

I'm still undecided on whether I'd make Patchouli as a servitor or a tulpa. As a servitor, she would do her job just fine, but I might find myself wishing that she had an autonomous personality that I could get to know. As with Eucliwood, I'm 100% confident that if I made her as a tulpa, I wouldn't have any romantic urges for her, which makes her a perfect candidate for a secondary tulpa. The problem remains, however, that she might later deviate and attempt to make herself appeal to me, as with my first one.

 

The other issue comes with the fact that I associate the character of Patchouli very strongly with being frail and sickly. I have a feeling that this would manifest in the tulpa whether I wanted it to or not. It wouldn't be all bad for her, of course; the idea of caring for an anemic Patchouli and trying to make her feel better actually appeals to me quite a lot. Even so, I don't know if it's exactly fair to create her with poor health playing against her just to be true to the character. Of course, if she doesn't like it, she can always change it, so I guess it doesn't warrant too much thinking.

 

By strange chance, while idling I saw a fellow on the IRC channel make mention of a character with a similar "attribute" of poor health who he wanted to make into a tulpa. Of course, his case sounded more extreme, as though he was going to be spending most of his time looking after this tulpa's health as sort of a hobby. Patchouli, to my mind, is largely independent regardless of health, so any efforts to help her "get better" would be strictly volunteer work to help foster a bond between us.

 

I hadn't thought about it until now, but the states of being "sick" or "healthy" probably don't really compute to a tulpa unless the host's body is ill. This could make things tricky, and I might end up just having to "bondo" the things that don't logically work with tons of blind belief before I start on the tulpa, so that she doesn't know about this quandary.

 

Another interesting point: My friend joked that I'd probably try having sex with her because "derp derp female!", and when I told him that wasn't going to happen, he quoted how he thought she'd react to my decision, her words filled with hurt and shy stuttering. Shortly afterwards, when I reviewed this statement, I heard Patchouli responding, "He really thinks I'd talk like that? What an ignoramus." It wasn't a premeditated thought that I ran a voice-test with, so I don't know if I have such a good idea of Patchouli's personality that I was able to unconsciously predict her reaction, or if my intense focus on her over the past week or so may have started something already. Probably the former, but potentially the latter...

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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In light of my recent forcing crisis, I've been radically changing my approach to forcing lately. Instead of focusing intently on visualizing her, I've been rolling back a bit and just trying to talk with her, as I would talk to a friend over the phone or in the same room, but not in my line of sight. It's worked pretty well. While I haven't been busying myself with trying to see her form, I've had more and more of that feeling that her responses are from a separate thought stream "above" my own. She still speaks largely in nondescript mind-voice, but I think if I keep at it with this approach, we might begin seeing some results.

 

I haven't completely quit practicing with the other senses, of course. Touch is a sensation I've been working on extensively, and I've been getting better at feeling texture and temperature simultaneously.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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I've been playing around with text adventures lately, in efforts to help bolster visualization. I used to play text adventures a while back, but this was well before my tulpa adventures. Since there are no visual elements to the game, the player has to envision everything himself, which makes for a better visual workout than I ever remembered.

 

Anyways, Halloween came and went just as fast as last year, though this was Isis' first experience with Halloween. I began to explain the rituals of Halloween to her, but then cut myself short as I realized that she could simply learn about all of this from my childhood memories. As it turns out, she didn't want to do that, she wanted to learn about it directly from me. I'm very happy about that. I took her around a simulated neighborhood to have a try at collecting candy, though since I was really tired, the visuals became more and more surreal and distorted, and ultimately I fell asleep. She got a good amount of candy before that point, though, thankfully.

 

Still being a mediocre tulpamancer after all this time, when I saw her in witch getup much like that of the magician Marisa Kirisame (I'm more ashamed about knowing that name than you know), I assumed I was just imagining it. Later on in the evening, I found out that she really had dressed up as the best type of witch, a sexy witch, just for the occasion. Maybe it's evidence of some underlying shortage of belief that I'm still being surprised around every corner like this. Time will cure that, I suppose.

 


 

At the urging of a friend, I took a 55+ question personality test. I usually avoid those kinds of things, but curiosity got the best of me this time. It actually gave some surprisingly accurate feedback after I completed it, and even offered me a complimentary 60 page document about my personality type. Since it seemed fairly well rooted in psychology and didn't outwardly seem like some half-assed "just for giggles" quiz, I got the idea for my friend and I to retake the quiz with our tulpas answering the questions, and see what types of personalities it thinks they have. It seems this was a good medium for Isis and I to practice communication on, since she only had to answer "agree" or "disagree", then "somewhat", "strongly", or "completely" (though she often elaborated a little bit on her answers). As with my own results, the feedback it gave about Isis sounded pretty accurate from my experiences with her, though it did cause me to raise an eyebrow a couple of times.

 

I was told my personality was an INFP type (Introverted - 16%, Intuitive - 9%, Feeling - 20%, Perceiving - 22%), while Isis is apparently an ENFP type (Extroverted - 20%, Intuitive - 13%, Feeling - 49%, Perceiving - 2%). The interesting thing about this? In the "romantic relationships" section of my personality type, it recommends finding a partner of an ENFJ (or ENTJ) type, while Isis' recommends an INFJ (or INTJ) for her. The only difference there is the "Judging" trait in place of "Perceiving". That aside, it seems we're a real close match by their standards, and who am I to disagree? Just thought that was pretty neat. Other host/tulpa pairs can give it a try for curiosity's sake here.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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A real interesting thing came up when I was with a couple of friends last night. One of them shared with us a story about a dream he had not too long ago which involved some people he knows, our mutual friend, me, and... Isis. Despite how little I'm asked about her or mention her to him, his mind apparently acknowledges her as real to the point that if/when I make a guest appearance in any of his dream scenarios, Isis comes along too.

 

His interpretation of her appearance was a little bit off, as he described her as appearing like Amy Lee, who I had no knowledge of whatsoever beforehand, not being an Evanescence fan. I took a look, and her eyes are right about the same color as Isis', and her hair is also black, but the resemblance basically stops there. It can't be helped, of course -- I think these were the only details that I conveyed to him way back when she began to take on a realistic form, but these details were only given a single passing mention, so I wouldn't have ever expected him to come up with a clear idea of her appearance in his mind. About her behavior, he mentioned that she was pretty quiet, and mostly just spoke to me. I don't really know much about how she interacts with other people, but given what I know about her, that does sound about right.

 

I don't subscribe to the belief that tulpas are metaphysical in any way, and if they were, I'm certain she'd have appeared to him exactly as she appears to me, but I'm still quite astounded by this.

 

Anyways, that aside, I think I've been nudging closer and closer to catching glimpses of Isis in my environment. Finding that Reddit AMA answer videos on Youtube typically last half an hour or more, I've been seeking out and watching those, encouraging Isis to try stealing my attention from the videos. It's sort of worked; I've gotten a few really good glimpses of her (that is to say, better than usual), though her interactions have mainly been minor things, like a kiss on the cheek or an ambush hug. I'll continue testing this and see what effect it has.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Finding distraction to be a huge problem lately, with a million things for me to think about and stress over besides tulpas, I've decided to try basic meditation as a means of getting a more vivid and successful forcing session. It worked well for about ten minutes, then ended in tragedy when she made tremendous sexual advances on my already battered and weakened defenses. I don't know if the meditation had anything to do with it, but I think it's a safe bet that I'll be taking my chances again here in a while. Uh-huh-huh-huh, I hope she isn't planning to do anything like that again, huh-huh-huh.

On a related note, during all of that nonsense I saw that her skin was very pale, as usual, but was more of a strange bluish pale than the flesh-colored hue a person usually has. I'm still working to determine whether or not that was my mind's eye glitching out or not, as she was "unavailable for questions" at the time that I noticed it. I suppose it doesn't really matter either way, since it didn't cause me any problems.

 

I've also been writing her into a story as a character, and cross-examining her personality in order to flesh out the character has shown me that she's actually retained most of the traits she was originally given. Namely, she strongly exhibits the traits of kindness/selflessness/caring/what-have-you, open-mindedness, and she's as steadfast/determined as she ever was. It's neat, because I hadn't picked out and noticed any of the individual traits since the first month with her, yet most of the traits were still readily observable when I took a closer look at her personality and her actions on a day-to-day basis.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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"Wow. What a cool day."

 

I don't know if it's the fact that I've been meditating so much lately, or if being somewhat hungry and a bit tired is actually helping me, but I've been making leaps and bounds in the last few days (though more specifically, over the last hour and a half). Lots of stuff to cover, particularly important things are in bold.

 

I think the tide-like rollercoaster of development progress is about over. For the last several days, I've been receiving Isis' thoughts loud and clear, with no eventual drop-off like with all of the other false alarms where I believed that we'd mastered pre-vocal communication. I've been expecting the drop-off, but I still haven't lost the ability to hear everything she says to me, at least not yet.

 

We successfully completed the 1-to-100 concentration exercise where she writes sequential numbers on sheets of paper and I have to keep focus up through 100. That's a first, usually I'd drift off by 15 or 20. We even managed to have a brief conversation at the same time as we did the exercise, though that did make it difficult to keep up on acknowledging the numbers.

 

 

I simulated some Source games with Isis, notably my old favorite from half a decade ago, Garry's Mod. By my logic, if we can simulate it well enough, I can bid farewell to the world of time-consuming construction, glitchy physics and bugged/loose advanced duplicator saves (except when another friend wants to play). We flew the Wright Bros'. plane into a crowd of NPCs and constructed a race course many times more elaborate than could be whipped together on Flatgrass in the real deal. The race went over alright, but the simulation of that flying machine coming apart and inflicting mayhem on the NPCs was more satisfying than any destructive act I've ever conducted in the game.

 

In the same vein as Garry's Mod, I found that while exploring game maps and locations that I've committed to memory, it helps to enter "flying/noclip mode" similar to that of GMod in order to avoid focus-destroying tedium when covering vast distances. Otherwise, I've been sticking to my own rule of "actually" "walking" wherever I need to go in my mind, in order to promote a sense of realism.

Another interesting thing, for the first time ever, she spoke to me with her voice very consistently while we were in fake-GMod, as though simulating basic GMod/Source voice chat. No idea why that is, but it was really cool hearing her talk to me. Maybe the first step to overcoming her lack of voice is to turn my mindscape into one giant Source game.

 

 

Lastly, as I lay staring at my ceiling, drowsily zoning out after the conclusion of our activities, I undertook the first steps to one version of visual imposition, quite by accident. It turns out that popcorn texturing is a good alternative to "vision pixels" mentioned in a few imposition guides- Just like with the so-called pixels, with my eyes relaxed I was able to pick out a number of different shapes in the popcorn, and with a little practice was able to manipulate them at will. I'm still not very good at it, but I was sort of able to transmogrify a cube I saw into a pentagonal prism, and then into a sphere, and apply different colors to it, invert colors, etc. My eyes started to dry out pretty badly after a while though, so I had to take a break from it.

With any luck, I can probably develop this popcorn-vision into a full, detailed rendition of Icie after I have a bit more practice at it. If not, I guess it's back to the drawing board on the imposition front.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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We've lately run into a little bit of visualization difficulty recently, probably caused by her hairstyle. I had no idea how her hair was supposed to look, and for some reason, that caused overall visualization to falter. On a hunch, I fixed this by asking her if she could style her hair like Makise Kurisu for a while. It seems to have worked, she's back to the same level of clarity she was at before (if not even a little bit more easy to see). Plus, she's gained +5 cuteness.

 

I've also been trying to coach her on communicating with words instead of raw thoughts. After reading a rather helpful theory in the guides section, I've determined that the likely cause of her thoughts feeling too "normal" is that she's sending me raw thoughts, which I translate into words automatically by myself. The end result, it would seem, is that it feels more like a thought that I made up, even though the content of the thought is entirely hers. We've had a little success with that, but we're definitely going to have to work on it a lot more.

 

I had a really strange dream earlier, and at one point in it, I met a girl who looked like my conceptualization of one of my friends' tulpas. It might very well have been a lucid (or somewhat lucid) dream, as I consciously decided to replace the girl with Isis. I must have lost lucidity after that, because I didn't spend nearly as much time with her as I would have were I entirely in control of the dream. Nothing real significant there, I just always think it's neat when I see her in a dream.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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We're finally making some headway with her voice. It started with a very interesting open-ended conversation between us wherein she was using raw thoughts the whole time to answer questions. After I thanked her for having such a lengthy chat with me, I suggested that she let me coach her some more on using her voice. This is about when I found out the cause of her silence. I guess I sort of had an expectation of how she should sound, not intentionally, just sort of in the way that someone might get an idea of someone's voice in their head if they had no way of finding out how that person sounded.

 

Well, it turns out my guess was wrong. When I was trying to coach her as gently and encouragingly as possible, she spoke up briefly, asking me, "what do you want from me?" in a sort of flustered manner. Her voice sounded a bit different from how it had sounded before, and very different from how I had been imagining mere minutes before. It was very cute nonetheless. She went kinda red after that and kept looking down and away from me, so I assume part of the issue was shyness or embarrassment about me finding out that her voice was different from how I imagined, even though I far prefer her real voice to any imagined placeholder voice.

"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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