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Story of a Squirx


Squirx

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Hello Tulpa.info! I hope to become a part of this community, so here is my introduction and greeting. :) Perhaps I'll manage to keep a consistent log here as well.

 

I came across the idea of the Tulpa a few weeks ago, somewhere on the internet, and was instantly captivated. An almost fantastical idea, and yet still perfectly plausible. A bit of google research led me here, where I skimmed the guides and some other info. By the end of the day, I had decided I would form my own tulpa!

 

Why did (do) I want a tulpa? One of the most compelling motivations seems to be a need for companionship, but I can't claim to feel lonely. Partly, it's to prove to myself that it can be done, and more specifically, that I can accomplish it. Partly, I'm hoping I can create a tulpa with some of the traits I see myself as lacking (and lacking some of the show I might have in excess) who can in turn help me become a better, more well rounded person. And of course, even if I'm happy enough already, having the closest of friends constantly by your side is tempting enough for its own reasons.

 

I think it's going well so far. What with my terrible lack of organization and my busy life as an engineering university student, I have managed absolutely no consistent forcing schedule. An hour here, 40 minutes there, some half-dozing-half-forcing in the corner, and not even every day. On the other hand, I've been trying to narrate whenever I remember to, to make up for it.

 

Anyway. I'll be lurking around, and maybe I'll ask some questions soon. I have no idea how many people read these personal threads, or whether I should expect any replies, but thanks for getting this far at any rate! I'll post more of my thoughts on the process so far, once I get them in order.

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Welcome, Squirx.

Yes, people often read Progress Reports, it seems; but I'm not one of those people. The fact that I'm here is surprising to even me.

But here is your first reply, nonetheless.

 

Seems like you have a pretty good reason for wanting to make a tulpa. Certainly a better reason that to have sex with it.

 

So anyway, welcome to the forums.

Hope you enjoy the stay.

"If this can be avoided, it should. If it can't, then it would be better if it could be. If it happened and you're thinking back to it, try and think back further. Try not to avoid it with your mind. If any of this is possible, it may be helpful. If not, it won't be."

 

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Eh, why not start now?

 

My experience so far:

When I decided I wanted a tulpa, I first put a bit of thought into its form. I thought I would be more comfortable with an animal than another human, (and find them easier to visualize,) and I decided on a Red-winged blackbird for personal symbolism.

 

Ironically, though I knew from the beginning I wanted to focus on personality and worry about visualization later, I've been able to see him easily from day one. I mean with my mind's eye of course, no hallucinations, but superimposed on my actual vision. (I think I find this easier than moving to a Wonderland, in fact.) As soon as I think about it, I can see him, standing around, doing bird things mostly (hopping around, cocking his head, shuffling his wings) but looking very much alive.

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I agree with Kiahdaj there. tulpas shouldn't be created for sex. But i can totally relate to you with trying to give your tulpa some of the qualities you lack. the way i see it, tulpa are there to work with us, as a team. you can take on the world with your tulpa by your side! also, i'm crazy cause sleep deprevation, also dont force in bed cause falling asleep during is bad, and dont force if you are sleep deprived, that basically would create nightmares for you and your tulpa... or so i've heard. Anyway, i'll be that guy and say that i'll follow your logs (if you post em) and maybe you could follow mine? i'm a firm believer in working with people. and i talk too much nonsense when i'm tired. Anyway, I wanted to ask you to fill me in on tulpa, like basic personality and what form you are thinking of.

 

PS: did i mention i'm sleep deprived? so i apologise for the nonsense and whatever... so yeah...

 

edit- PSS: i need an avatar photo....

 

edit mark II- PSSS: i used one i found on the internet. I think its the closest i've found to what Skye wants to look like... she doesn't want to be that young though... bed time!

(Insert deep emotional/philisophical phrase here)

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Eh, why not start now?

Log Entry 1

 

My Tulpaforcing So Far:

When I decided I wanted a tulpa, I first put a bit of thought into its form. I thought I would be more comfortable with an animal than another human, (and find them easier to visualize,) and I decided on a Red-winged Blackbird for personal symbolism.

 

Initially, I wanted to wait for my tulpa to name himself. I soon decided a place holder name would be useful, if only to help me focus on addressing my tulpa instead of just talking to myself. I decided on Daemon (which I pronounce DAY-mun, incorrectly or not :P ) as rather apt, as well as nicely tongue-in-cheek. We both seem to like it though, so it might stick.

 

Ironically, while I knew from the beginning I wanted to focus on personality and worry about visualization later, I've been able to see him easily from day one. I mean with my mind's eye of course, but superimposed on my actual vision. (I find this easier than moving to a Wonderland, in fact, and have rarely used one.) As soon as I think about it, I can see him, standing around, doing bird things mostly (hopping around, cocking his head, shuffling his wings) but looking very much alive. However, I can see him ANYwhere I look, doing anything I think about, so I can't help but think it's mostly puppeting so far. (More about this later.)

 

Anyway, back to forcing. For me, this means sitting in a meditative state, with eyes closed, concentrating on and/or talking to my tulpa. Almost all the forcing I've done so far has been about personality. I spent some time thinking about what traits I'd try to force, and which I wanted to let develop naturally. In forcing sessions, I've focused on a trait and basically talked to Daemon about it, and how it relates to him in all the ways mentioned in the guides here. A single session meanders through several traits eventually, as they all relate to each other. I've also spent a few sessions nailing down the visualization, as I do it all the time anyway.

 

At this point, I've gone through all the traits I wanted to force. I'm not sure what to do now when I sit down to tulpaforce... I think I'd like to try to focus on communication, but I'm not yet sure how.

 

Now about narration. I try to do this whenever I can/whenever I remember, though lately, I've had a bit of trouble thinking what to talk about. I usually visualize Daemon while talking to him, as either standing or flying beside me, or sitting on my shoulder.

 

Our Results So Far:

 

I really like the "Sentience from Day 1" philosophy. At the same time, I find it difficult to truly believe. A fully separate conciousness needs some time to form, no? Of course, at this point, its no longer Day 1, but several weeks in. So what signs of life have I seen from Daemon?

 

Well, when I visualize him, he has many automatic movements, like those of a living creature. But usually, I still feel like I'm directing most of his actions. Not exactly purposefully, but not unconsciously either: I start to imagine him doing something, and so I see him do it. There are exceptions of course. The most significant was when, just a few days into creation, he started tapping my computer screen to remind me to get back to work. (One of the main traits I tried to force was motivation, and I'm hoping he can help me deal with my natural laziness.)

 

So far, most of his communication has been non-verbal, perhaps because I already see him so easily. Sometimes I'm sure he's trying to say something, yelling at me in fact, and I just can't hear him. I'm sure this is my fault, and it brings me to my current dilemma: doubt is setting in.

 

Not doubt about his existence, but doubt as to how much I'm seeing/hearing is actually a separate conciousness, and how much is still "me". I know doubt is the most poisonous thing in the world, but I can't help it. See, I am starting to hear things - but most of them sound just like me. They sound just like the things I would say. And even if they are from Daemon himself, I don't really want my tulpa to be a copy of the "me" I already know. I wonder if visualizing so much before he had his own personality in control may have put me in the habit of pupetting automatically, or else impressed my own personality upon his?

 

So NOW I'm worried about how hard I should watch/listen to him. How much should I expect an answer, when I know my own personality can readily provide one if I become impatient? On the other hand, how can I expect to hear my tulpa if I'm NOT expecting to hear anything?

 

Well, I'll think about it with a bit of meditating before I go to sleep. And maybe I'll post a more specific question in the next couple days. I think for my next log, I'll foray into philosophy, and talk about how I've been viewing a tulpa and host's shared existence.


Thanks, Kiahdaj and Andesconin!

 

Sure, Andesconin, I'll make sure I keep up with your posts! It sounds like you're making great progress, if you're already working on posession! I just checked my journal, and it turns out I started thinking about this exactly one month ago. I really should try to put more time into this...

 

But despite the difficulties I mentioned, I'm starting to see signs of Daemon's own personality. He's definitely more disciplined and motivated than I am, which is what I was hoping for. But I he has a mischievousness streak to him I didn't expect. I think he's been teasing me lately, and when I'm most sure I'm truly hearing him is when he makes me laugh out loud. :)

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I;m so happy you have an easy time with imposition, nailing down Skye's form has been the hardest thing for me so far, I've biult a wonderland, a beautiful one at that, and even gone on epic adventures into my own recreation of the underwater city atlantis, all spontaneous, i mean i can create cities in my minds eye easily. its just all those finer details of living things that i have trouble with. Anyway, enough of me :P

 

I'm glad you took the time to read through my first post. But i want to say something about your fears and doubts. I did assume sentience from day one, or at least i tried to, and i talked to skye like she was fully imposed, i asked her things and read her stories. I didn't expect a emotional response after the first week, but i think that through telling myself she was there, i convinced my subconscous slowly, and that sped up the process. Now, it is my belief that in order for this to work at all, we need to accept it at a subconscious level that another being, alien of our own, shares our mind and body. Freud believed that 70% of our motives come directly from our subconscious. If we doubt, our subconscious will fight progress.

 

what i'm saying is, even if you think it is you, or you fear it that any movement or response is puppeting,try to accept it as your tulpa. it will convince your subcon. to allow the process to happen. in my opinion anyway. and dont fear making a servitor, you can still make your tulpa from that, i see it kinda like this

 

in the begining you start off creating a tulpa from a single point. then it may stray a little or alot to things like holligrams or servitors, but the end result is always your tulpa.. like a double cone shape... <> as my math teacher says, there are many ways to get to vegas. and i'm sorry about the long post, i'm gonna try to be more concise in the future. :(

(Insert deep emotional/philisophical phrase here)

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Log 2

 

I'll have to postpone the philosophy post, but I'll make a progress update to keep it regular.

 

Everything Andesconin said made a lot of sense, so I've tried to forget my puppeting fears, and it's helped a lot! I'm feeling a lot more comfortable with what I see and hear from Daemon. A lot of it still feels very familiar (as in, it's what I might do, say or think,) but I expect his personality will become more distinct from mine as time goes on.

 

I'm still finding very little time to actively force, but I'm remembering to narrate more often. A few day's ago, I realized Daemon seems completely dormant unless I'm concentrating on him, so my focus right now is to train myself to feel his presence at all times, even when I'm not imposing or narrating. This is going well - just today, I noticed that I WAS feeling his presence, without thinking about it! Not enough to hear anything from him yet, but just, a very close, comforting presence. It's nice. :)

 

I suppose I should include at least one good anecdote about Daemon per log.

 

I mentioned in my first log, when I was imposing Daemon, I often saw/felt him perched on my shoulder. Maybe around a week ago, or a bit more, this stopped happening. I felt like he was keeping his distance. :( I can't communicate well enough to be sure why, but I think he might have been put out with me for not paying enough attention to him. Happily, I seem to have fixed this, and he's back to keeping me company from my shoulder. :)

 

Heck, I'll give you one more.

 

My primary means of transportation is by bicycle, even in the winter. I've been imposing while I bike, since I don't find it distracting, and Daemon usually takes the opportunity to fly alongside. But when it's especially cold, wet, and miserable, he just gets cozy in our Wonderland. And then he taunts me, with how warm and comfortable he is. xD One way he does this is by showing me flashes of him, curled up in some sort of nest, looking VERY comfortable - but he's not a bird any more! I guess a bird can't curl up properly, so he takes the form of a weasel or something - I haven't been able to get a clear image. At first I wondered if this meant he wanted to change form, but he seems to like being a bird enough at other times.

 

Actually, here's a question: What experiences have people had with tulpas changing their form, permanently or otherwise? It's not especially important, but I'm curious.

 

That's all for now.

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  • 5 weeks later...

Log 3

About a month ago, I had a sick and sleepless week. The sickness wasn't serious at all, but one of the effects seemed to be an inability to feel my tulpa's presence, or get into the proper mindset to do any forcing. It was like they disappeared for a week, and it had me quite worried after a few days. Thankfully, when I got better, I, my tulpa was back to normal. I was so relieved.

 

However, in the weeks since, I still haven't got back into the habit of forcing or narrating regularly. Once in a while I'll exchange a few words with my tulpa, but thats it. I've been super busy with other things in life lately, and its been hard to remember, let alone find time for forcing sessions.

 

This is the official start to my attempt to get back on the bandwagon.

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I know the feeling. Both of being sick, and having trouble forcing, and having trouble getting back into the habit.

I hope you can find the time to spend with your tulpa.

And just remember, the first step to getting back on the bandwagon is getting back on it.

"If this can be avoided, it should. If it can't, then it would be better if it could be. If it happened and you're thinking back to it, try and think back further. Try not to avoid it with your mind. If any of this is possible, it may be helpful. If not, it won't be."

 

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  • 5 months later...

Grrr. I wrote out a huge post a couple days ago but it didn't save properly somehow. Oh well.

 

Log 4

 

It's been a very exciting month for me and my tulpas! That's right, I have two now!

 

I didn't spend much time tulpaforcing over the summer. To be honest, I basically forgot about Daemon, my first tulpa, for most of it. (Shameful, I know. I'm sorry!) About a month ago, I started to think about him again, narrate, and force. A few days in, and it was going well, I had a bit of a shock. We were exploring the wonderland together - Daemon was leading the way, I was trying to do some sort of independence/creativity training. At one point I turned away from him in the wonderland, and turned back to see a child girl in his place, instead of his usual bird form.

 

At first I thought he'd suddenly took on a different form. But then Daemon himself appeared, looking like he usually did, and telling me this was someone new. I was shocked out of the wonderland, but continued visualizing her just as easily as I did Daemon. I asked where she came from, and he seemed to say something about her being part of what he wanted to be.

 

Since I saw her as another tulpa, thats what she became. Unlike Daemon, she came with a ready-made form and personality, seemingly inspired by some characters I was thinking about at the time. She told me her name was Amelie early on, I feel it might change, but it's been good for now.

 

Since then I've been visualizing and forcing more consistently than I ever have before! The excitement of Amelie's arrival was a bit of an inspiration, really. It's funny. I always thought you'd have to be crazy to try developing two tulpas at once. Maybe it still is crazy. But it happened anyway, and it's too nice having them both around for me to regret it.

 

I have so much more to say, but I don't feel like writing it out all again in one go. I promise I'll be back soon this time. (Amelie and Daemon should help make sure of that!)

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