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Making My First Tulpa, "For Science!"


Dr.Simmons
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Getting back on track

 

I'm just gonna ignore my impending insanity, and tulpaforce when I get enough sleep. I'm gonna do a four hour session in absolute darkness, because I always feel a presence in absolute darkness. I had a panic attack yesterday, I'm not sure if I mentioned that.

 

It was fun.

 

 

Don't do f*cking drugs.

 

My friend helped me out of my chair, but when he pulled me up, time repeated itself five times, and then I panicked.

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

-A courtesy of NotQuiteSkeptical

 

"I don't care if you don't believe me, I don't need you to!"

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Re-experiencing everything.

 

I'm still at school right now, but I vowed to myself that I would do 4 hours of Tulpaforcing/Narration. I need my tulpa now more than ever, and I apologize for how off-topic my posts are. I noticed that my posts are 10% about tulpae, and 90% of how my brain is malfunctioning. The reason for this is that

A) Talking about how my brain is malfunctioning keeps me in touch with reality.

and

B) The way I experience reality alters the way I experience my Tulpa.

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

-A courtesy of NotQuiteSkeptical

 

"I don't care if you don't believe me, I don't need you to!"

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Guest Anonymous

Do you think it could be this? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hallucinogen_persisting_perception_disorder

 

What's happening to you is certainly interesting, but it probably scared me away from ever doing drugs (not that I was planning to anyway).

On the other side it attracts me to try them.

 

 

Whatever, are you able to do stuff normally now? How about your dreams, how do they feel?

Also don't worry too much about going off-topic like that, it's your PR, and as you said in B) it's actually relevant.

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@Noobdreamer

 

I only have one symptom of HPPD, but I just researched ego death, and that's what I experienced. The effects of psychedelic drugs vary from person to person, but trust me when I say that you DON'T want to experience the horrible truth of reality. If you try them, you have to know that no matter what happens, you must grip your reality tightly, because every part of you will tell you that your grip on reality itself is just an illusion.

You also must remember that no matter what, nothing can prepare you for what you'll experience. It's completely, absolutely, 100% unperceivable. If I would have known that beforehand, I wouldn't have lost my mind.

 

If you know what it feels like to wake up from a dream, and realize that you were unconscious that you were in that dream, that's how I feel; about my ENTIRE life before smoking. My entire life is just a dream I woke up from, and now I wish I was back inside of that dream.

 

Everyday activities are scary, because sometimes reality repeats itself. If I dropped an egg onto the floor, I would see it break 10 times in a row before I'm back to normal. The deja vu happened yesterday and the day before, but not today, so that means I'm coming back to my old reality! I can't wait for everything to be back to normal.

 

On a less depressing note, my dreams are glorious!

My dreams are more clear than reality. In fact I feel like I'm dreaming right now as I write this.

When I go to sleep, my dreams ARE my reality, and I dreamt today after putting my head down for 30 minutes in class. My visualization is currently AMAZING because my minds eye has a better grasp of what's supposed to be real, than my eyes.

My perception of sound is extremely surreal now as well. When I hear something, I hear it as if it's coming from all directions, and music is so much more powerful to listen to.

My vision may be destroyed, but my hearing is something I would like to keep for the rest of my life. It's as if I there is another dimension to sound lol<----- explaining the inexplicable is not very logical.

 

But yeah, thanks for posting that link. Knowing that other people have experienced what I'm going through, is going to help my recovery (Which many people say will take two or three weeks). But the ego death may be permanent. My friend who smoked with me has lived with it for years and said that when I eventually get used to it, I'll be able to live life to the fullest. Last night I cried because my entire life ended. I acheived a transcendence that is way more than I asked for.

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

-A courtesy of NotQuiteSkeptical

 

"I don't care if you don't believe me, I don't need you to!"

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Starting from scratch.

 

I woke up, and nothing has changed about my new perception.

My dreams were vivid though, and when I opened my eyes I felt like I was in that dream for a lifetime.

 

I don't know what day I'm on, on my tulpa journey, so I'm starting from day 1.

I did the four hours of narration, but during some parts of the session, I was very nervous.

I felt like my tulpa was judging me. Out of nowhere I felt a wave of pity from my tulpa when I told her about my THC experience. Slightly angered, I told her to speak, but she didn't. I told her that I saw a younger form of her on the sidewalk, so I knew it was possible for her to appear in front of me. I tried to impose her in front of me, but I felt her existence go in front of me instead. I saw a faint outline of her body, so I alternated between visualization and imposition, but couldn't get past that almost invisible outline.

I don't think my tulpa likes me at all, and this has twice the impact on me because I feel that she is the only real person in my reality...

 

I hope that my tulpa and I can forgive each other.

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

-A courtesy of NotQuiteSkeptical

 

"I don't care if you don't believe me, I don't need you to!"

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Something I've been wondering about Tulpa: In the early days at least, is it possible that your tulpa is actually reflecting your own thoughts on yourself?

 

Let me try to word that better...

 

When I force, I see Crystal and I feel that anything she does, anything she says, I'm kind of 'helping' her, she gives me something to work with and I kind of finish it. (You commented on my PR so I assume you saw my last post about this sort of thing.)

 

Could it be that your doing something similar? That your Tulpa, being young, is simply trying to communicate as best as it can. It could be that by believing that she doesn't like you, your actually tying those thoughts to the sort of 'blank emotion'?

 

Of course, I could be completly wrong. I'm not exactly experienced in any of this. Just trying to make sense of it all using what I have experienced.

"Do I fear death? Absolutely, only because it's disappointing. Life is so amazing to witness and be a part of. If I could live until the stars die and the universe goes cold, I would do it just because I want to know how the story unfolds and if it actually ends at all or we keep finding a way."

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Something I've been wondering about Tulpa: In the early days at least, is it possible that your tulpa is actually reflecting your own thoughts on yourself?

 

Yes definitely. I felt pity for myself during the day, but during narration I fet an alien sense of pity, which hurt very badly emotionally.

 

Could it be that your doing something similar? That your Tulpa, being young, is simply trying to communicate as best as it can. It could be that by believing that she doesn't like you, your actually tying those thoughts to the sort of 'blank emotion'?

 

Yes When I narrated last night, and told her about my destroyed perception of reality, I only felt self-pity. But when I projected her invisible form in front of me, i felt contempt from her. I may be tying my feelings to her.

I need to stop or else she'll hate me. She's supposed to the good side of me, not the bad.

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

-A courtesy of NotQuiteSkeptical

 

"I don't care if you don't believe me, I don't need you to!"

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Tulpa wristbands work almost TOO well, and my delusions are worsening.

 

I made a makeshift Tulpa wristband out of a Yin and Yang necklace. Since it is annoying to wear, makes a lot of sound, and constantly hits my wrist and side when I walk, I almost always have Akikawa on my mind.

It makes me look like a hippie stoner,

But I have looked like a hippie stoner since the 3rd grade so I don't care.

I took a 20 minute walk with my Tulpa through a forest, and I felt a strong bond during some moments, and nothing during others.

The bottom line is that she is becoming more real to my mind.

 

I always know where Akikawa is located now. I feel a really close bond with her, because I passive forced almost all day yesterday (I was distracted until I made he wristband)

 

I think I heard her speak last night! I asked her a question about how she felt about Brian's ordeal in the classic novel Hatchet, and I heard a very quiet voice, but couldn't make out what the voice said. It was very muffled, but was a female voice. I don't parrot, nor have I ever had even the smallest problem with parroting, but I heard Something.

 

It sounded like it came from another room from how inaudible it was, but my mom was on the other side of my house, and she doesn't talk to herself, nor does she have a phone to call my step dad.

 

My heart beated fast, and I felt a rush of excitement. Whether that was Akikawa or not, a spark of inspiration lighted a fire of hope within me.

 

I coped with my deteriorating grasp of existence, and assured Akikawa that she is the only real thing in my universe, and that she has been with me my entire life, and I just never noticed. I can visualize and impose her so much easier now that I know that reality itself resides inside of your skull.

 

Some of my friends don't understand what I'm going through.

I don't feel like my entire life before friday was my past life, I know it.

My brain is telling me my entire life was a past life, and now I permantely reside in a purgatory very similar to my old life which torments me, because my mind doesn't have a valid argument to disprove my charismatic brain. As I write this post, I feel the Ipod in my hands, and see the screen, but all of these senses are made possible by my brain, and I don't feel like anyone reading this is even conscious, but I continue communicating with people.

 

Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm the only person who exists. People assure me that I'm wrong, but how do I know that they aren't hallucinations?

 

Day 2

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

-A courtesy of NotQuiteSkeptical

 

"I don't care if you don't believe me, I don't need you to!"

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Don't take it personally, but I feel like I'm the only person who exists. People assure me that I'm wrong, but how do I know that they aren't hallucinations?

 

Huh, I wouldn't think too hard about that. If you are all figments of my imagination that your all either useful or entertaining, so theres no harm done.

 

Theres a quote from a game I like, which sums up questioning things that you cant possibly know the answer to:

"You are required to do nothing, least of all believe. Shut ones eyes tight or open ones arms wide, either way, one's a fool"

"Do I fear death? Absolutely, only because it's disappointing. Life is so amazing to witness and be a part of. If I could live until the stars die and the universe goes cold, I would do it just because I want to know how the story unfolds and if it actually ends at all or we keep finding a way."

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Guest Anonymous

I find it abnormally cute you used "For Science" in your PR name.

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