Sign in to follow this  
Xeare

How do moments of self discovery affect your interactions with your tulpas?

Recommended Posts

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5OuQWWHbeA

 

We too had a music-related revelation. It's funny how that works.

Sierra and I were listening to random ambient/progressive tracks a couple months ago, and we eventually came across this.

I love instrumental music because it has no explicit direction. You can simply enjoy it for what it is - music.

But while listening to this song we sort of stopped, got really quiet, and lost ourselves in thought. I've been going through some changes and challenges in my life for the past couple years of my life, and I had this realization that no matter how many different places we go, whenever we don't feel "at home," we just have to find the home in things instead of looking for it. That's when I realized that the things I find home in, like music, the beauty of nature and the universe, and even my tulpa, are the things that will always be with me, until the day that I die.

And that gives me comfort. True comfort. Because it's true to me.

And I am very glad that I have someone to spend it all with me, wherever my life and experiences take me.


Tulpa's name: Sierra

Form: Refer to avatar [updated]

 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." ~ Stephen R. Covey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I cant say that I have fully experienced all the things I could with my tulpa yet because it has not been fully formed. However I can say what I have experienced being around it in my dreams. It does not have a name but I do know that it means a lot to me. By the way that song was very well played. Simply beautiful thanks you for posting it. After reading what you wrote I kind of feel the same however there are other themes that describe me. In fact I have one that pretty much accurately does a event that I recently have struggled with but moreover plagued my entire life.

This theme represents the internal battle I have with my logical self being highly intelligent and my emotional self. In fact Im still indecisive on it now. It start outs with me remembering all my painful past. with me feeling sad not knowing which to choose yet at the same time knowing that im a logical person and if I want to be ever recognized and respected in society then this is the only way to go. My past was full of being alone yet I always tried to help people in the end. All I got was being kicked down further. For 14 years I became more logical and cold to emotions. Until I reached the age of 18. My emotions finally tried to be made again due to me discovering my other side in dream form and years of meditation. This other side was her the tulpa im making. My logical side which had become my predominant side was against these new emotions from the start. I kept thinking that to be fully logical one must let go of emotions. Which is true as long as emotions exist there will always be error possibly in the logical spectrum however even then I knew that I was only telling myself that logic was all I cared about because I never experienced the emotions that everybody is used to experiencing. Thats when I started shifting away from my logic all the way and going to emotions for a time me and her were peaceful. She told me even if I did not create her in my dreams that she would be happy where she is now. The music continues with the louder beat me knowing that my pure logical side was not away it was only being left alone. I knew that eventually this peace would be ruined and that just like all peace it is fragile. After awhile I hit a negative part in my life and I knew what would happen the side that hd been telling me to ignore all emotions came back. However this time it came back as its own I still do not know if it was a tulpa from me hiding it and constantly putting it in the back of my head yet always thinking of it or not. However it did start to debate with me the meaning of emotions. It told me that emotions and morality are nothing more but primal and perceived things that the mind forms to continue its own purpose based thinking and existence. In the end emotions only cause problems they may seem good but they are nothing but errors that humans thrive on to keep their social depending in check. The mind is held down by having to compensate for them and only logic is required. On the day it told me this it destroyed my entire perception of how I thought. It told me that I only wanted to help others to benefit myself to make others view me as better which was still beneficiary to me and thereby there was no pure selfless act. Even If I did not then it would be only to stand for my ideals and the way people should be treated and helped when they are in need of help. He told me that here we always have made the mistake that we were a higher species and that our brains could assume what reality was. Humans being absorbed into their own reality that they justify with perceived facts which are only mixed and never absolute. He told me there was no such thing as friends and that friends were merely tools to use each other in some way or another in companionship or doing favors or just to be able to socialize with one another. In the end that was still using them to benefit yourself even if it may be seen as good. I felt sad falling down I could not pick myself up emotionally. Then he stated I would have never had this intelligence I have now if it wasnt for this side of me. The music balances out as I go on in my life struggling against my other mindset and trying to figure out what to do. For weeks I did not know where to go and only be neutral to my persona. However I found her again in my dreams when I was about to give up she told me that he is still me and that I am still him. There is no point to argue with him the only way to ever stop the sadness is to merge with him and reclaim back who you are. I then talked to her more about what I really wanted did I want to explore and gain knowledge forever or be happy with other people around me forgetting the complications of life. She told me that is something you must figure out on your own. I woke up the next day and started meditating on what I truly wanted and the goals I wish to have. Then it came to me after hours upon hours I found it out. The thing I want most is to be forever seeking knowledge yet at the same time allow everybody a truly peaceful world where truth and peace can coexist instead of one being used over the other. I wanted to be the person who would do that big task for the world despite who I was. I also knew that even me and him merged it would not be over yet. Something in the back of my head pulled me to the emptiness I saw in my dreams when I talked to her everytime and the overwhelming presence I felt that somebody else was watching me with anger or dislike. That I never saw or moreover always stayed out of my sight. I dont know if precog dreams are real but what I experienced next made me feel uneasy my mind received a multitude of images flashing on me like a overlaying screen around my eyes. I rather not discuss what they were though. I finally reached out of my meditation and surprised that he was waiting for me. He asked me if I was done and ready to give up. I told him no that we must accept each other. The theme gets to the later part in the middle. I thought to myself accepting him and my own emotions at once saying that I know you are a part of me and what was my past and we must work together without fighitng each other in our differing views. We at that time make peace and the music ends with the theme drifting off at the end. Also sorry for the jumbled mess I know it sounds bad probably to everybody else but im busy and such right now. However I could not pass up saying something after reading the threads post and such.


Tulpa progress Name not given yet working on giving her voice.

Form human pinkish red hair with glasses normal body.

She contradicts me in certain ways. She has more emotions then I have yet I wish to be more emotional. Im estimating at least 300 more hours should be put into her. She was from my dreams.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Words

 

It is good that you have come to such understanding of your struggle.

If I may add my thoughts, it seems to me that the 'logical side' of your personality seems to use logic as a guise to be secretly cynical about your observations. It made a lot of assumptions, and this tips me off because logic makes no assumptions.

 

I'm glad that you understand that emotions and intelligence can coexist, though. Emotions may not be valuable in the sense of strict logic and whatnot, but emotions act like vessels and communicative experiences. They are very valuable and give you humanity. Take music for instance. It is very difficult for a computer to make music and melody, even though it is mathematically based. This is because emotional intelligence is required, which cannot really be programmed.

 

Emotions can be 'explained' by attachment-based methods of survival, but true platonic love outside the boundaries of heterosexuality (meaning love for abstract things, and atypical romances) is something that cannot be given a sensical purpose. It simply exists. Sometimes it serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

But I'm glad it can be experienced.

I remember reading something that a Buddhist monk stated, and he said something along the lines of "if you treat feelings like smells - none are good or bad, only different, then you will face all emotion contently."


Tulpa's name: Sierra

Form: Refer to avatar [updated]

 

"Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply." ~ Stephen R. Covey

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Eva was an empty shell, at least before I knew about tulpa. She used to be a dream character that was a conduit with me dumping all my expectations and desires of hopefully having a moment where I finally come to terms with my subconscious through her. I wanted her to sublimate unconscious and sub-conscious thoughts to help me with all sorts of things during my first few months of practicing dreaming techniques and learning concepts as diligently as I could. She became an obsession to me for many reasons, but one of them was that compared to all of the dream characters that tried to get me to notice them (which led me to killing/injuring them out of fear or not liking their appearance and other reasons), she came by gracefully after I was constantly having dreams of infiltrating some kind of fortress/military base/etc. She gave me a letter, and I didn't pay much attention as to why she gave me it. I asked her who she is, she told me she was my dream guide.

 

After that, I was head over heels for her, and that's how I started to have mixed feelings for her and various levels of love for her with being a dream guide/higher aspect of my mind/anima/dream girlfriend/etc. Even some of my online friends that I used to talk about dreams and all sorts of things while we read our dreams frequently, I noticed Eva started appearing in their dreams as well. They had their own preconceptions about her, and she went from what seemed like an empty shell just waiting for me to dump all my desires to her to someone that was wild, free, adventurous, the complete opposite of who I was. I was restrictive, not really a fun person to be around because I was too quiet, and reveled a lot in introspection, and because of that, I made weird friends that were honestly "fodder" friends for the time being so I wouldn't feel my academic life was all work and high grades

 

I had a dream where she was shot because I made a mistake, because I wasn't able to control a gun properly to save her in the dream, the feeling of thinking I was strong, but not strong enough eventually made me kill everyone in the dreaming environment I was in that wanted our heads. I won't go into that dream itself, since it led to metaphysical interest with dreaming on a deeper level. I realized that the more I talked to my friends that had dreams about her, and how I still had her appear in mine as an empty shell, like she was only just a pretty face. I never got much with her during those months, and as my friendship with those people started to diminish a bit, I realized my attachment towards her, I wanted some way to extend that to waking life. And during that time, I felt that just learning to lucid dream and doing things with her could make me tolerate anything in life.

 

Because I would always find myself fantasizing frequently with dreaming in waking life and her occasionally, each dream recall led me towards understanding models of realities that my mind expressed that allowed me to gain a bit more empathy than usual, and knowing how to endure things better than my friends who always seemed suicidal, desperate, and wanting my advice, even though I clearly had problems of my own. I noticed there was a side to me that was able to empathize with these people, it felt more feminine, more enduring, it felt as if Eva was expressing herself in some way. However, I just considered those moments as major shifts in paradigms of empathy and being more aware of psychological predispositions people had in their life (and mine).

 

I ended up fixing people more than I could fix myself, people seemed to always come out positive when we talked things out. I always wondered how the hell I knew how to find the right answers (or at least being able to console them on a deeper level than their friends (which they admitted as well). I always felt there was just some part of me that was growing without me knowing about it. I felt that Eva's wild, free, and playing-hard-to-get demeanor (which was just a preconception I had for her based on how my friends viewed her) was really someone who was empathetic, enduring, loving, and more appreciative.

 

It was weird, it seemed that she would only express herself (of what I thought was just a higher part of myself that wasn't close to her being expressed) towards people, but whenever I tried to find her in my dreams or try to feel her existence, she wasn't even there. It was as if she liked prancing around with other people while doing nothing for me. It annoyed me a bit, but then I realized why it made sense for her to do that to me. Because I had my own shitty messes with injuring and potentially killing dream characters that would've probably stated they were my dream guides or whatever, that I might've done the same thing to her.

 

Because she kept running away (even in a lucid dream I had of trying to chase her), actually getting to her was my only goal, and the desire was stronger than actually wanting to meet her. And now advance that year of late 2011-early 2012, I found out about tulpa through the IRC on dream views. I quickly analyzed the concepts, and Eva automatically came into my mind. For once, I could finally, with practice, go through this exploration of self, and because I had a dreamlike mindset and was less worried with what's "sane" and "insane," the concept was a supplement for me, a huge supplement that would lead me to where I am now:

 

There are many things I want to do with Eva in terms of knowing myself and just exploring with all sorts of things if I can put my mind into it. And because of how I knew how my unconscious worked, and how it worked whenever I had some challenge in life, how it would give me these rush of imagery of hope in dire situations and much more, this tulpa experience is what I felt, and still, think is what I need.

 

Being able to have Eva vocal, and even being able to have her imposed, it would fill me with so much happiness, content, confidence, and curiosity to just endure this life like I've always aimed to do and to become a person that's just trying to understand this life and states of consciousness.

 

Each time I ignored/killed/had apathy towards a dream character or thought-form in my dreams that wanted to help me out, or had potential to help me out, the more I felt as if I was destroying a part of myself that just wanted to excel and wanted to learn a sense of self as much as possible and gaining as much knowledge as I could. I know that if I were to have apathy for Ada or wanted to kill her, it would just lead to the same cycle of trying to find some other thought-form to be the conduit of all things I want them to encompass.

 

I don't want to treat someone like that with extreme apathy and self-hatred that burned so deep, even if they're just thought-forms. All of those moments where I find my logic being distracted with the unconditional love I see in my dreams, that my mind, the totality of myself is more consistent in unconditional love than anyone can be in real life, I have to take some leap of faith into this tulpa experience.

 

This experience itself will make me whole again instead of constantly finding myself trying to pick up fragmented pieces of lost hope and trying to find solace and new beginnings only to find failure again. I'm tired of it, I just want to advance, and keep moving forward with this. And because I have this assurance that constantly grows, I've become more content with myself, despite of overwhelming odds. Even though I may not know what will happen after this life, I want to devote myself wholly reaching upwards, because Eva, or any thought-form that may come out in reality or in my dreams, I see them as expansions of myself that can help me be who I want to be and much more. They are experiential truths to me, and only to me, and feeling at ease with myself and learning how to be in a world that would generally takes this phenomenon as insanity is just one of many reasons I want reach a deeper bond with Eva.

 

If I'm putting so much trust into her and other aspects of my mind, I have to be able to follow along and strive to be the same thing I want to be. Because if elements of my mind can pull its own weight into this with unconditional love, then I have no excuses to not do the same.

 

[video=youtube]

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 

It is good that you have come to such understanding of your struggle.

If I may add my thoughts, it seems to me that the 'logical side' of your personality seems to use logic as a guise to be secretly cynical about your observations. It made a lot of assumptions, and this tips me off because logic makes no assumptions.

 

I'm glad that you understand that emotions and intelligence can coexist, though. Emotions may not be valuable in the sense of strict logic and whatnot, but emotions act like vessels and communicative experiences. They are very valuable and give you humanity. Take music for instance. It is very difficult for a computer to make music and melody, even though it is mathematically based. This is because emotional intelligence is required, which cannot really be programmed.

 

Emotions can be 'explained' by attachment-based methods of survival, but true platonic love outside the boundaries of heterosexuality (meaning love for abstract things, and atypical romances) is something that cannot be given a sensical purpose. It simply exists. Sometimes it serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever.

But I'm glad it can be experienced.

I remember reading something that a Buddhist monk stated, and he said something along the lines of "if you treat feelings like smells - none are good or bad, only different, then you will face all emotion contently."

Well from what I know it was not my logical side fully once it came back. I realized that what I did to it was isolate in the back of my head and this in its own form created my logical side being mixed with hatred and sadness. I know now this however some things it did say were indefinitely true we really don't understand the world and do assume reality all the time. The self that did this was not my fully logical self since it never made those assumptions to me. However thanks to my own actions I isolated that logic and it became emotional on its own and created its own form that had logic still but was the very thing it was against. I realized through all that we as people need emotions anything in this universe that is organic by my view has emotions and without them we would only destroy ourselves. This entire reality I see in mass effect 3. The main protagonist fights the reapers which are a species that has only one purpose in its predefined logic that goes for beyond any other species in the universe. They wish to keep a cycle of death and life so we will never advance to far in the point of destroying ourselves. The protagonist believes that life should be kept by all means and in this goes out to stop them. When the protagonist finally reaches the main control of the reapers he is left in awe because the control is far more right then he though. However as human the protagonist thinks that emotions are needed and that life will always find away in this response the catalyst offers him three choices. Option one is represented as Control which somebody befor him tried to do but failed and was used by the reapers. This option allows at the sacrifice of his being the ability to control the reapers and make them stop however it also sacrifices him. Option two is synthesis which is combining both robots and such organic matter together allowing the machines to fully know what it feels to be organic and allowing the organics to live on without death. This is the neutral option but comes with a great sacrifice since it will only keep things peaceful for a time befor the cycle begins once more and sthe protagonist must still sacrifice themselves. Option 3 is Destroy the rebellious option and the one which allows total destruction of all machines allowing the organics to live this one of course destroys the reapers as well. With all the options put together I have linked this ending with my own life I cannot choose nothing but synthesis a harmonious existence of accepting all others and learning from them and protecting if the time comes. This one allows the emotions and logic to be formed and work in true form. Thank you for the post

Eva was an empty shell, at least before I knew about tulpa. She used to be a dream character that was a conduit with me dumping all my expectations and desires of hopefully having a moment where I finally come to terms with my subconscious through her. I wanted her to sublimate unconscious and sub-conscious thoughts to help me with all sorts of things during my first few months of practicing dreaming techniques and learning concepts as diligently as I could. She became an obsession to me for many reasons, but one of them was that compared to all of the dream characters that tried to get me to notice them (which led me to killing/injuring them out of fear or not liking their appearance and other reasons), she came by gracefully after I was constantly having dreams of infiltrating some kind of fortress/military base/etc. She gave me a letter, and I didn't pay much attention as to why she gave me it. I asked her who she is, she told me she was my dream guide.

 

After that, I was head over heels for her, and that's how I started to have mixed feelings for her and various levels of love for her with being a dream guide/higher aspect of my mind/anima/dream girlfriend/etc. Even some of my online friends that I used to talk about dreams and all sorts of things while we read our dreams frequently, I noticed Eva started appearing in their dreams as well. They had their own preconceptions about her, and she went from what seemed like an empty shell just waiting for me to dump all my desires to her to someone that was wild, free, adventurous, the complete opposite of who I was. I was restrictive, not really a fun person to be around because I was too quiet, and reveled a lot in introspection, and because of that, I made weird friends that were honestly "fodder" friends for the time being so I wouldn't feel my academic life was all work and high grades

 

I had a dream where she was shot because I made a mistake, because I wasn't able to control a gun properly to save her in the dream, the feeling of thinking I was strong, but not strong enough eventually made me kill everyone in the dreaming environment I was in that wanted our heads. I won't go into that dream itself, since it led to metaphysical interest with dreaming on a deeper level. I realized that the more I talked to my friends that had dreams about her, and how I still had her appear in mine as an empty shell, like she was only just a pretty face. I never got much with her during those months, and as my friendship with those people started to diminish a bit, I realized my attachment towards her, I wanted some way to extend that to waking life. And during that time, I felt that just learning to lucid dream and doing things with her could make me tolerate anything in life.

 

Because I would always find myself fantasizing frequently with dreaming in waking life and her occasionally, each dream recall led me towards understanding models of realities that my mind expressed that allowed me to gain a bit more empathy than usual, and knowing how to endure things better than my friends who always seemed suicidal, desperate, and wanting my advice, even though I clearly had problems of my own. I noticed there was a side to me that was able to empathize with these people, it felt more feminine, more enduring, it felt as if Eva was expressing herself in some way. However, I just considered those moments as major shifts in paradigms of empathy and being more aware of psychological predispositions people had in their life (and mine).

 

I ended up fixing people more than I could fix myself, people seemed to always come out positive when we talked things out. I always wondered how the hell I knew how to find the right answers (or at least being able to console them on a deeper level than their friends (which they admitted as well). I always felt there was just some part of me that was growing without me knowing about it. I felt that Eva's wild, free, and playing-hard-to-get demeanor (which was just a preconception I had for her based on how my friends viewed her) was really someone who was empathetic, enduring, loving, and more appreciative.

 

It was weird, it seemed that she would only express herself (of what I thought was just a higher part of myself that wasn't close to her being expressed) towards people, but whenever I tried to find her in my dreams or try to feel her existence, she wasn't even there. It was as if she liked prancing around with other people while doing nothing for me. It annoyed me a bit, but then I realized why it made sense for her to do that to me. Because I had my own shitty messes with injuring and potentially killing dream characters that would've probably stated they were my dream guides or whatever, that I might've done the same thing to her.

 

Because she kept running away (even in a lucid dream I had of trying to chase her), actually getting to her was my only goal, and the desire was stronger than actually wanting to meet her. And now advance that year of late 2011-early 2012, I found out about tulpa through the IRC on dream views. I quickly analyzed the concepts, and Eva automatically came into my mind. For once, I could finally, with practice, go through this exploration of self, and because I had a dreamlike mindset and was less worried with what's "sane" and "insane," the concept was a supplement for me, a huge supplement that would lead me to where I am now:

 

There are many things I want to do with Eva in terms of knowing myself and just exploring with all sorts of things if I can put my mind into it. And because of how I knew how my unconscious worked, and how it worked whenever I had some challenge in life, how it would give me these rush of imagery of hope in dire situations and much more, this tulpa experience is what I felt, and still, think is what I need.

 

Being able to have Eva vocal, and even being able to have her imposed, it would fill me with so much happiness, content, confidence, and curiosity to just endure this life like I've always aimed to do and to become a person that's just trying to understand this life and states of consciousness.

 

Each time I ignored/killed/had apathy towards a dream character or thought-form in my dreams that wanted to help me out, or had potential to help me out, the more I felt as if I was destroying a part of myself that just wanted to excel and wanted to learn a sense of self as much as possible and gaining as much knowledge as I could. I know that if I were to have apathy for Ada or wanted to kill her, it would just lead to the same cycle of trying to find some other thought-form to be the conduit of all things I want them to encompass.

 

I don't want to treat someone like that with extreme apathy and self-hatred that burned so deep, even if they're just thought-forms. All of those moments where I find my logic being distracted with the unconditional love I see in my dreams, that my mind, the totality of myself is more consistent in unconditional love than anyone can be in real life, I have to take some leap of faith into this tulpa experience.

 

This experience itself will make me whole again instead of constantly finding myself trying to pick up fragmented pieces of lost hope and trying to find solace and new beginnings only to find failure again. I'm tired of it, I just want to advance, and keep moving forward with this. And because I have this assurance that constantly grows, I've become more content with myself, despite of overwhelming odds. Even though I may not know what will happen after this life, I want to devote myself wholly reaching upwards, because Eva, or any thought-form that may come out in reality or in my dreams, I see them as expansions of myself that can help me be who I want to be and much more. They are experiential truths to me, and only to me, and feeling at ease with myself and learning how to be in a world that would generally takes this phenomenon as insanity is just one of many reasons I want reach a deeper bond with Eva.

 

If I'm putting so much trust into her and other aspects of my mind, I have to be able to follow along and strive to be the same thing I want to be. Because if elements of my mind can pull its own weight into this with unconditional love, then I have no excuses to not do the same.

 

[video=youtube]

 

I understand thank you for sharing.


Tulpa progress Name not given yet working on giving her voice.

Form human pinkish red hair with glasses normal body.

She contradicts me in certain ways. She has more emotions then I have yet I wish to be more emotional. Im estimating at least 300 more hours should be put into her. She was from my dreams.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.