Silrain the Everlurking

The adventure continues... (Somewhat Daily Journal of an Everlurker)

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I'm still alive

 

October 21st-26th, 2013

 

Not much out of the norm happened, nothing of note, nothing not really anything outside of passive forcing as I go throughout the day too busy to do anything but classwork. I’m going to drop one of the classes and get more time, I feel I’m spreading myself too thin, and my performance is suffering in all the classes because of that

 

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October 27th, 2013

 

Not much today happened. Woke up late and missed my ride with the band for recording so I was home all day. Mel and I pretty much were on the couch all day as I played Assassin’s creed 2 all day (those damn feathers pretty much took me all day to find.

 

Later on in the evening the subject of pets got brought up. I pretty much told Mel I was alright with her having a pet if she wanted, as long as she took responsibility for it. Mel found a white rat, She named it Scribbles. Mel just informed me Scribbles is a she. Mel Prepared a cage for scribbles in the wonderland, but it looks like Scribbles has already taking a liking to Mel and her big mane.

 

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October 28th-29th, 2013

 

Not much to note really. Mel has started bringing Scribbles around with her just about everywhere just as I take Mel with me just about everywhere. During class I got a little headache/ head pressure. Out of habit I asked Mel what's up. She told me that Scribbles wanted to see me. As the time is going on it seems like Scribbles is becoming a little more "animated" as in she's picking up a little personality as time goes on.

 

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October 30th, 2013

 

Finished with drawing midterm and project, maybe I can breathe now, at least for a day. I've been continuing to go into the wonderland at nights before going to sleep. Even took a moment to ask Mel if I can get a good look at her. I guess we settled that her coat color was that orangish yellow similar to that photoshop field picture I posted earlier. I was asked to look into her eyes. I remeber that's where I'd always start when working on visualization.

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October 31st, 2013

 

Was a day like any other, Wake up after sleeping off the previous night's stomachache feeling alright and head to class. On the way there Mel and I saw a student dressed as a day of the dead spirit. Mel asked me if she should dress up too. I said it was her call. I then saw her Dressed as Ezio from Assassin's Creed, Dual hidden blades and all.

 

Only sweets I ate that day since it was Halloween, were two small chocolate chip cookies and that gave me one of the worst stomach cramps I've had in a long time. Left me in bed for the whole rest of the day, it sucked, but Mel and I finished book 4 of the Wheel of Time series.

 

 

November 1st, 2013

 

Having been stuck in bed for the entire last half of the day before, I spent the day on the couch with Mel playing video games until I had to leave for practice. Not much else went on. I came back home, left again to get gas and pick up something for dinner.

 

 

November 2nd

 

Was gone all day and Played a show. On the car ride to the show, I remembered hearing others saying about adventures in the wonderland and realized I've never much explored or done much besides lay in the grass or hang out with Mel in her room she made. I figured "well, it's my imagination, why don't I start using it? Maybe have some fun." So starting in the void it was just the two of us, the world started being generated around us, first we were dressed as Brotherhood Assassins (you can tell what I've been playing a lot of), Mel flickered between pony form and a human form. Then our clothes were those of Runners (Mirror's edge) Then the world appeared around us and we were off. Delivering bags, running from and fighting off blues and that sort of thing.

 

 

Inb4 roleplaying

 

Inb4 No shit, point of the daydream

 

 

It was pretty fun and Mel, Scribbles and I got to spend time in the wonderland, might have to keep reminding myself that I have an imagination.

 

The show was great too, It's nice to actually play live again. Mel and Scribbles cheering us on after our set. I somehow managed to fall asleep on a couch in the green room before our set started. I was trying to go into another daydream and was out before I realized it. Stayed the night at bandmates's house because we're off again in the morning

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I'm not dead, just been rather busy, though I've still been somewhat keeping track in my journal, Here's a catch up post

 

 

November 3rd, 2013

 

The recording session was canceled because power was lost. Pretty much just came home and did nothing much productive all day.

 

 

November 4th, 2013

 

Just drew all day worked on my homework for life drawing then went to class. I attempted to continue the scenario from earlier while forcing before going to bed. I passed out rather quickly, maybe I did get farther, but I can’t remember much.

 

 

 

November 5th, 2013

 

Didn’t do much today during the day. In the evening though I practiced some parallel processing, both with the black box 20 questions method for a few rounds and with flash cards. For the flash cards since it was online and you had to type in the answers I decided to try to work on possession at the same time. I gave Mel control of my right hand and had her enter the answers.

 

 

November 6th, 2013

 

I woke up in bad mood that lasted for some time. Not sure why though, I was just grumpy until I got to life drawing class where I got distracted. On the drive to class Mel asked me if I wanted to talk about it. It’s rare that she’d start a conversation, I rarely do either when it comes to talking with anyone. I wasn’t really sure what it was that even caused me to feel the way I was feeling the whole day, but it was still nice to talk to someone. As usual the radio was just a bunch of commercials so I turned it off eventually and we ended up singing like we use to back early on when we were working on vocalization.

 

 

November 7th, 2013

 

Not sure what I did, I probably spaced all day or something.

 

 

November 8th, 2013

 

Spaced the whole day (again), then went out to play a show. Pic linked is the setlist I used that I doodled on while waiting for the first band to finish their sound check. Great show, the drummer/vocalist actually passed out in the middle of a song for a split second and fell back off his drum stool, we kept moving on with the song and he got right back up and continued playing. Guess that’s what happens when you don’t eat. I’m just glad he didn’t bring the microphone down with him and take me out with that weighted end. He nearly did the last time we played that venue. I stayed the night at bandmates’s house since we had to go leave again in the morning, I went to the wonderland and spent some time there with Mel and scribbles before falling asleep.

 

 

November 9th, 2013

 

Not much happened today, On the drive to the studio since it was a long drive I kind of spaced off and continued the little wonderland adventure from where we last left off. Also today I Found out I can’t eat chocolate anymore, sadness. I ate one and a half small chocolate doughnuts and I got a really bad stomach cramp for the rest of the day all the way until 4 in the morning of the next day. On a different note though we got to listen to the wheel of time audio book while I was lying in bed in pain for hours.

 

November 11th-12th, 2013

 

Nothing much really happened busy all day, still keeping up with the nightly visits to the wonderland

 

 

November 13th-14th, 2013

 

Can’t remember what all happened, though that probably means nothing out of the ordinary happened.

 

 

November 15th, 2013

 

Went out to see some friends’s bands perform. They’re always supporting our band so I figured now that I can drive I should return the favor. Later that night before going to bed I had a thought, was lurking around the forum and saw mention of good times to try and work on imposition like auditory and smell were either while waking up or going to bed while very tired. I was remembering a time back in high school when I went three days without sleep and remembered hearing around that time is when people start to hallucinate. I thought to myself and wondered if that would somehow help me force the hallucination and impose Mel. It might be unhealthy, but I’d be willing to try it out once if it would nudge me in the right direction. Perhaps during a break when I don’t have to wake up for anything. I’m wondering what others’s thoughts on this are. This wouldn’t be something I’d be willing to rely on, I barely get enough sleep as it is.

 

 

November 16th, 2013

 

Woke up went to bandmates’s house to then get a ride with them to the studio. Mel and I have been talking about a human form. She’s brought it up a few times in the past. So the drive up there since I’m not usually the one driving, I decided to try and work on that with Mel. The way I started the forcing session was by waiting for Mel in the void by a little camp fire. In the dark at first I would only be able to make out just her eyes (now smaller than the pony form) reflecting back the light from the fire. I would focus on that first then work outwards towards visualizing the rest of the face worked on that for the rest of the car ride. (Only now remembering that faces are one of the harder parts to visualize)

 

I continued the forcing while they didn’t need me to record and kept an ear open to help with mixing in case something sounded off or I had a suggestion, although I fell asleep for a time.

 

Afterwards, we were invited to a party for the opening of a new studio by good friends of ours. I was surprised, it was kindof a classy party, pretty good food things on tooth picks and free drinks (Mel kindof cringed at the mention of wine). I was sort of wishing that I had known and maybe dressed up for the occasion, the three of us in the band looked like homeless people or just some random guys off the street compared to everyone else there. The guitarist wearing a short sleeve shirt and band shirt, the drummer/singer in his flannel and me in my brown sweatshirt and Sherpa hat. Very shortly after that thought I looked (or thought) back to Mel and saw she had put on a nice dress, tied up her mane, braided her tail and was wearing a tail bow. I wasn’t ready for that, she asked me If I liked her outfit and I just Hhhng’ed (in mind voice), though I may have been smiling like a fool for a second, I doubt anyone would have noticed though. Being the Great big social butterfly that I am…. I spent most the time eating bread with ranch and Salmon Hors d’oeuvres they had there or wandering around the studio with Mel. It was a very nice place. Heh, I’m not going to lie, I felt classy just being at that party. We had to leave early because we had to go back to recording in the morning.

 

I stayed the night at bandmates’s house since I wasn’t feeling well and we were going to be heading off in the morning. That night before going to bed I decided to continue visualizing. I got a pleasant surprise. While visualizing Mel Brushed aside her hair to reveal her right ear with piercings on it. First the tail bow and now this… two of my weaknesses. I had a series of weird dreams, one was of a video game, an interesting concept that I don’t think I’ve seen in a game before if I could fully remember it. The second one I could remember was rather strange… In it Tulpamancers were fighting some secret battle against some unknown enemy. Tulpamancers had things like more endurance or strength or something and could fight which was how I’d be able to identify them in the dream…. I don’t know what my brain is on sometimes, perhaps it was that salmon and junk food from earlier. I’m going to have to start brining my own lunches to the studio, I don’t know how my stomach will survive otherwise XD

 

 

November 17th, 2013

 

Woke up, had a quick breakfast, then headed off to the studio to record some more. On the car ride there I continued visualizing I’m starting to see her face more clearly now when I visualize her. After the recording I worked again on visualizing on the ride back home. I believe I’ve been making progress, though for a lot of the time in the void Mel and I just sat by the fire and listened to the music that the guitarist put in the CD player. Modern Guilt by Beck. Pretty good album. Getting home and so ends the day with me falling asleep at 4:30 am.

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Wow, still alive, just been busy/spacey, still somewhat keeping up with a journal a big long catch up entries incoming

 

 

Had to start writing my journal on a sticky because windows 8 locked down my word for stupid reasons

 

November 18th-21st, 2013

 

Hell if I can remember all that went on. Nothing really to note though, regular narration and attempts to force at night before going to sleep. Also of the times forcing we've been working on a human form for mel. She's started using the form more, but still occasionally flickers back to pony, says she still likes her tail especially now that it's getting colder out.

 

 

November 22nd 2013

 

Today the Nine Inch Nails were in town. Got my tickets sometime a month or two ago. The both of us have been looking forward to this, music is an important thing and my life and we tend to bond over that. Was a great concert. Explosions in the sky opened up the show. They do really awesome instrumentals, good forcing music. I was off in the higher rows so I couldn't really even see the bands playing and the opening band didn't really get as much of a lightshow compared to the headliner so there wasn't much to look at from my view (when I watch a band play live I like to watch and see what exactly they're playing and see if I can't learn a thing or two.) so I decided to close my eyes and try and force some. I visualized Mel and myself sitting on the hill watching the wind blowing through the field below making ripples in the tall grass. As the song grew intense so would the wind. I think I may have fallen asleep or blanked out there for a little while I woke at one point with a weird feeling, breathing felt strange and I felt out of it. I've woken up like this before, I'm not sure if it has anything to do with sleeping sitting up or what, but it's somewhat uncomfortable. I've felt similar shortly after waking up with sleep paralysis still affecting me. After it passed I went back to visualizing. It's funny how I found Explosions in the sky on Youtube only a few days before the show.

 

When The Nine Inch Nails came on I was excited, but I could also feel Mel's excitement as well. I never really stopped to consider that she actually liked them this much. I guess I never really thought about it. Where as I can still barely cheer (it's embarrassingly pathetic the loudest I can manage a cheer, so I just clap), I could hear Mel cheering loudly as some of our favorite songs were played. I stayed the night at a friend's house after the concert since he lived close.

 

 

November 23rd, 2013

 

Without really even realizing it I ended up going to bed at 3 am. Completely lost track of time. I woke up a few times but went back to sleep since my friends living there weren't awake yet. Although at one point when I woke up, I could hear their voices clearly....except they were both still asleep in their rooms. (This was a two bedroom apartment and the rooms were apart from each other and both doors were closed). I was half awake, but after I gathered myself and realized that there was no way it could have been them talking to each other, I realized this must be if not as close to an auditory hallucination. Hopefully now that I can somewhat remember what it was like, I'll hopefully be a little step closer to imposing with sound at least. Now if I could only remember to keep trying to work on it when I just wake up.

 

 

November 24th, 2013

 

Woke up, then headed to band mate's house. During the day ate something that didn't sit right and spent the whole rest of the day with horrible stomach cramps that lasted the whole rest of the day and well into the morning of the next day. We had the audiobook playing but it was hard to focus with the constant stomach pain. It was a very long night.

 

 

November 25th, 2013

 

Not much goes on today. Video games, life drawing, drawing classwork. Staying up till late.

 

 

November 26th, 2013

 

Not much went on. At night before going to bed I asked Mel, "What do?" She suggested go to the void and work visualization. After a time we just started just talking. I've been trying to encourage her to just go on and talk to me whenever if something happens to be on her mind. She brought up one of my memories from highschool she was curious about. Strange and dark times those were. But it was in the past so not really any harm in talking about it, perhaps I'd find a different perspective while reflecting on it, maybe make sense of some things that didn't make sense back then. We talked about it for a while until I dozed off.

 

 

November 27th-29th, 2013

 

Nothing but passive forcing and narration. Two days in a row I ended up pulling allnighters on accident. It wasn't really all constant sleep deprivation because I slept 4 hours during the day to make up for the missed sleep.

 

 

November 30th-December 1st 2013

 

No much outside of the usual. It's been Sleep, class, classwork, and repeat. I'm spacing more and getting nothing done really, Rather frustrating.

 

 

December 2nd, 2013

 

It has been 5 months now since I've started this. Time to reflect. I try to active force when I can and mainly passively force and narrate as much as I can. Talking to Mel has gotten very easy now. I can talk to her and catch her response now with ease, without having to use effort to try and make out what she says. Visualizing both her forms now is a little easier though I feel like sometimes I don't catch parts of her, like I don't notice her eyes all the time. Maybe it's just because I only focus on one part of her at a time? I've kindof been winging it this whole time I guess since I only get odd times durning the day to force or it's mainly been at night up until I fall asleep. Maybe it's normal, I mean makes sense right? Like you don't notice someone's arm or hand when you're making eyecontact. I should probably ask around and look through people's visualization guides. I at least have a decent enough idea in my minds eye about what she looks like. Maybe I'm just stressing over little details and working too hard.

 

I feel I was making good progress in the begining and I actually had time to force actively. Lately though after some point I've just been passively forcing mainly. There haven't really been big leaps and bouunds but I guess at least steady process is being made here and there. I feel I could be doing better though. Perhaps I shouldn't be beating myself up over it. Maybe I should be drawing her more.

 

 

December 3rd-6th, 2013

 

More of the same not doing much. I read through impostion guides thinking maybe touch, sound, and smell would be something to work on over sight for now. I did some on touch using my palm. And then trying to feel her palm with on finger. I think I might be getting the slightest bit of something. perhaps a tiny bit of resistance when poking her palm. Still got to keep working at it.

 

 

December 7th, 2013

 

I woke up to her voice just chattering away spouting randomness, I think it was just mindvoice, but I can't quite remember. Perhaps it had to do with going to sleep with some music with waves. I've heard of one person talking about letting some of his wonderland bleed into reality. Perhaps finding the right symbolism to allow her mindvoice do something similar will allow auditory hallucinations.

 

Today was another day working with the band all day. I did some visualizing on the hour car ride which I wasn't driving

 

Later that night I was glancing around some forums, Found something about Lucid dreaming. "This looks interesting"

First part of the section labled "Important things to do": Get 7-8 hours of sleep at least every night

 

..... Well shoot, so much for that.

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welp, I've been starting on the journal, With Word locking itself because of windows 8 (was not by choice) I've been keeping the journal on a sticky, I hope to get this sorted out soon. It's crazy how you'd take things like that for granted. So the posts might not be as frequent or as consistent, and may show up groups of days at a time.

 

 

 

December 8-11th, 2013

 

Not much out of the orinary. Tried keeping a dream journal while my sleep schedual gets straightened out a bit. At least I can work on remebering my dreams and something might end up happening despite not having a steady sleep schedual.

 

 

December 12-14, 2013

 

Not much goes on besides the usual. With her human form down pretty much visualization wise we went on the wonderland scenario we started back a while ago.

 

The next day (December 14th) during the weekly long car ride that I wasn't driving for we decided to try and explore more of the wonderland since I haven't really been much farther than the field. Just past the field we found a lake.

 

 

December 15th, 2013

 

Not having slept the night before the enter night I pretty much slept often during the day

 

 

December 16th-19th, 2013

 

I've been really slacking a lot lately on this jounal, then again not much interesting has really been going on, Perhaps the I'm just growing accustomed to this and what was strange is just now becoming the norm. Conversations now take little effort (at least in mind voice) and responses come natural. Nights lately have consisted of Reading Deadpool comics, watching anime or listening to the Wheel of time audio books until I fall asleep. If I manage to fall asleep. I've never really been that great at sleeping, If it's not distractions, it's just not being able to sleep. I've been slaking though, I remember when I first started this I use to actively force as much as I could, Between breaks in classes, before class, and after, even sometimes in the evening. Now it's really only before I go to bed until I fall asleep, but at least that's consistant. I've also pretty much always since day one imagined Mel being around me, whether it's in the passenger seat or sitting next to me in class or walking besides me (except for when she's in the wonderland). I often don't know what to work on, but I know there's a lot still to work on. I should one day just try and get my head on straight and figure out what to do.

 

 

December 20th, 2013

 

Another night of little to no sleep, at least I'm on break right now and am making up the sleep by sleeping in till noon or past that. Although I absolutely hate waking up any time after noon, I feel like I lose my day. Problem is that I like staying up late and I also love waking up early, I love having the most hours I can out of my day. Unfortunately that's burning the candle at both ends.

 

I was lying in bed with rainymood on mixed with a 10 hour version of Serenade of water From Legend of Zelda. Rainy mood had gone off and I realized that it had for some reason, but I continued to lie in bed. Although at some point as I was spacing out I heard the rain again. It wasn't coming from outside though, It would be snowing if that were the case. I only then remembered that the rainy mood tab had shut off, yet I was still hearing rain. As soon as I stood up and looked at the screen I stopped hearing the rain, like coming to. That must have been like an auditory hallucination or something like when you think you feel your phone vibrate in your pocket except with sound. I feel that I might be a tiny step closer now to making my way towards auditory hallucinations. I look forward to the day I'll be able to "hear" Mel trying to get my lazy ass outta bed, Maybe even a "goodmorning" , "Goodnight", or a "Get your ass to bed!"

 

Fast forward to later in the day, ater not having slept till 8 am, then decide to sleep after eating more than I was use to (which isn't much by the way) then waking up 2 hours later only to be kept in bead by a stomcah cramping till I fell asleep for 2 more hours, it's now some time after 8 or 9 at night. The band had finished playing our set and the next band was finishing up thier set. Mel had decided that she really liked her tail from her pony form (If by this point you don't know it, yes Mel originally started out as a pony) so would have it when she used her human form.

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December 21st-29th, 2013

 

Nothing goes on but horrid sleep patterns, plenty of passive forcing Reading Deadpool comics together, oh and recently some drawings. I took a canvas and started sketching out her human form a bit.

 

Also for Christmas we exchanged presents. I know, I know, "What's the point? You can just visualize whatever you want at any other time." Well it's the thought that counts right?

heh, see what I did there?

 

 

I got Mel a sweatshirt similar to one that Desomond Miles from Assassin's creed wears and She got me a hidden blade. She wears the sweatshirt often now when we're out.

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December 30th, 2013

 

Woke up today and decided to head to the bookstore to spend some money I got for Christmas. I figured It'd be a good opportunity to go out and spend some time together. Except I randomly started feeling really sick and had to walk to the closer supermarket to buy antacids on the spot. I guess egg nog was a bad choice for a drink in the morning (we don't buy alcoholic egg nog as far as I know). Came back home rather empty handed. Not much happened except I fell asleep at 5am the next morning.

 

 

December 31st, 2013

 

New year's eve had fun start... I woke up at 5pm, Successfully flipping to nocturnal sleep patterns. Nothing much interesting went on besides the new year. We didn't really go out and celebrate this year, it's fine with me.

 

January 1st, 2014

 

Now I got to get use to writing the date as 2014 instread of 13. Well to start off the first day of the new year I decided to try again for heading to the bookstore to get some comics. Well I didn't realize that everything opened 2 hours later since it was the first day of the new year. Luckly I had my audio book on my phone, So Mel and I got to hang out in the car and listen to it for two hours. I guess I wasn't the only one who didn't know about the 2 hour late opening. I'd glance occasionally and see people park next to me only to find the place closed. Later that night I sort of had a moment where I wasn't sure whether I was asleep or having some little adventure in my head. I've been playing a lot of Vindictus lately. I thought I might have just been forcing, but then again it seemd more vivid than it would normally be while forcing so It could've been dreaming.

 

 

Jaunary 2nd, 2014

 

Today I decided to try and set the entire day aside to draw... except it kindof failed. I felt sick after breakfast so had to lie down and listen to the audio book while the bad acid reflux went away. Then I lost all focus to draw since we listened to the audio book for hours. Later on in the day I fell asleep for two hours or so as a wave of tiredness hit me randomly (well I guess having woken up at 4am for the second time in a row had something to do with it). I felt bad again for being such a scatterbrain, Mel told me though that she's happy when we're spending time together. And told me that either sitting back and reading (or listening to a book) or sleeping, we did end up spending the whole day together.

 

Later at night before the nightly forcing before bed, I asked Mel whether whether she wanted to chill in the wonderland or go off on a similar scenario from the night before. She told me that we were relaxing all day, we should go fight some things. We started off by visualizing what equipment she'd be wearing, I let her choose, but after a while of trying to figure something out she just told me to make some suggestions and she'd tell me if she liked them or not. I picked some things out and then I must've dozed off, but I feel ike the visualization the creeped into my dreams and at times Mel herself managed to find her way there. Perhaps I may have found a way that works for me to let her into my dreams be it really her or a "dream character" of her.

 

Another Month has gone by, It's now been half a year since I've started this trip and a trip it has been. Looking back, I feel recently I havne't been forcing nearly as much as I have in the past (at least actively). Though kindof a late start, maybe I should make my New year's reasolution be to Force more.

 

 

January 3rd-17th, 2014

 

2 weeks go by and I've been getting lazy with the journal. Could mean one of two things or a combination of both. Either I'm just getting lazy, or Having Mel around is just becoming the usual, what once seemed like something worth writing down to remember doesn't much seem worth it now. Then again maybe there really wasn't much. I think I've managed to get some forcing down. A few really bad back pains, more classes missed, work to make up. Lots of just chilling and listening to Wheel of time on audio book. New quarter has just begun and I'm feeling the weight of it already having missed the first day of class plus a few more.

 

Although one of the days I did get to force in the car (while being parked of course). It was nice having the speakers playing the music while I forced.

 

 

January 18th, 2014

 

Was out all day long, Had about an hour drive with the band and an hour back. Did some forcing since I wasn't the one driving. No one would really suspect much other than I go to sleep. I'm hoping I made some progress with visualization. On the car ride back a random though occurred to me, I asked Mel what her favorite flower was. She first turned the question back to me, I never much gave it much thought, After some thought I came up with Lilly as my favorite, then she answered with Lotus as hers.

 

Later on a skype friend told me they were starting work on a tulpa of their own. Eventually it ended up with me Proxying for Mel. Hasn't really happened much before, when it has it's only been a few sentences.

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January 21st, 2014

 

I was up till the early hours of the morning... in pain... a brutal stomach cramp that wouldn't go away kept me up for hours. Mel was concerned and mentioned wishing she could switch with me to give me a break. I don't really know much about switching, possession yes, but switching, never much looked into it. I wasn't really for it since if I'd be in pain wouldn't that just be dumping it all on her? She still would be willing to. Time went on, pain still continuing, and I slowly started considering and accepting the idea. I then felt kindof weird. Like I was there, but not exactly there. My senses felt dulled, and the pain seemed to go away. My arms and legs felt like they weren't mine. In the moment that the pain was gone I was able to drift off to sleep

 

The rest of the day mainly consisted of making up work from days of class missed

 

 

January 26th- 27th, 2014

 

A while back ago, I went out and bought a vanilla frosting scented candle. I decided to light it today while forcing. I was able to force longer, but I feel I may have lost focus. The candle might have been a bit strong, my throat was a little itchy after the forcing session. Now my room smells like vanilla though.

Later that night we worked on possession and taking it a little farther. I laid in bed and Let Mel take control, I felt my arms and legs go a little numb. Was trying to work on getting that feeling like the other night from that last entry, that feeling of being there, but not exactly there, senses all dulled. I imagined myself stepping back as I closed my eyes, Mel had control of most the rest of me, now I just had to step back and let her step up. A few times I started to feel that, myself going back, the rest of my body not controlled by me, a twitch or slight movement from Mel helped me slide back. I would try and think over to myself, think going back and her stepping forward, control was hers. It wouldn't last long though, something would bring me back forward. At one point though I felt that click. It’s hard to describe, but I felt lighter, my arms and legs didn't feel like mine, My feeling was dulled, Like only slightly aware of my heartbeat and breathing, but it felt like only it was part mine. I opened my eyes but I saw only darkness, I was moving, but not exactly me moving. Then my eyelids opened and I slowly came to. Was rather interesting, unfortunately that whole session didn't leave me much sleep and I was dead tired for the hours until I got some sleep at around 7 am.

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Hello, I have a question I would like to ask. when you were parroting, did you meditate while parroting? how did it feel? did you add the traits of your tulpa before or after you parroted? when did you notice the changes?

Im a beginer at tulpa creation, Ive been doing it for a month now but only little changees. It would be helpful for any information you can give me, thanks.

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I actually didn't parrot much back at that point I would keep hearing it was bad, which I guess it really isn't, so I would try to avoid parroting. I even used some symbolism to tell myself that I couldn't. Only time I really did anything close to parroting that I can recall was when working on finding Mel's voice, I would mimic a voice in my mind and ask for a sign of yes or no if that was a voice she liked.

 

As for the traits I picked a few to guide or set some sort of base and let her develop the rest on her own. There's debate on how necessary it is to write down 30+ of traits. I believe that a tulpa can be shaped by their experiences as well as ours just like we are shaped by our own experiences, but that's just my opinion so take it with a grain of salt.

 

I feel meditation does help in general. When I can get into it I tend to enjoy it.

 

What changes do you mean?

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