Quadraginta

I used to wonder what tulpas could be......(Raid's progress report)

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I've listened to that song through a lot of hardship so I don't really understand how it works for affectionating. Eh, reminds me I should dig the sheet music I have for it out and practice it over Christmas.

 

It made the tulpaforcing session waaaaay more dramatic than it needed to be. So, I may or may not use it again tonight.


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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Not much has happened in a while with Raid and me, yet at the same time, a lot has.

 

For one thing, I can't seem to be able to get emotions or head pressure from Raid anymore. Not too much of a loss, I guess, but still, I miss being able to get surefire confirmation from her that she is sentient.

 

Still, that doesn't mean that I'm going to start doubting her all over again (although, knowing me.....this is sure to happen....)

 

Anywho, we've started working on vocality. How? By having me periodically have her say a certain line, and only this certain line, throughout the day, everyday. According to the guy who taught me this trick, it would work, and it does work for most mancers. It seems to be working, only one problem. I can't distinguish her voice from my own thoughts. Also, my fear of parroting is still there. Not so strong that I dismiss every supposed response as just me parroting, but it's still there. I'd like to acknowledge these responses as hers, but I will do so with a grain of salt........as much as I hate to use a saying like that.

 

The main problem with the lack of being able to feel head pressures and emotion now is the fact that the tulpaforcing sessions feel.....I don't want to say pointless, but, yeah. They feel pointless again. I feel like we just started tulpaforcing for the very first time again.

 

The first two beginning months of our tulpaforcing felt so pointless and redundant, due to a lack of response, and my own skepticism. When Raid finally gave me a first response, and continued to be able to communicate with head pressures and sometimes with emotions, they suddenly had meaning. Now, they feel pointless again. As if I'm talking to myself again.

 

I know she's sentient, though. She's proven it to me so strongly before, it's hard to just dismiss any of it now. And yet, my own doubts flare strongly, like a kindled bonfire with a sword stuck through it.

 

Anywho, back to the headpressure. One day, I asked her to give me some head pressure, and I asked it repeatedly, practically begging, and after a long time, I asked one more time, and in the back of my mind, I could have sworn I heard, or at least felt an "I'm trying!"

 

Either a short while later or immediately afterwards (can't remember) I asked for head pressure again. I was kind of sure that I almost felt something, but the feeling quickly dissipated. I then thought I felt/heard an "I'm sorry..." followed by a very light feeling of sadness.

 

It's these two things that happened that I'm sure were from her. These thoughts/words came seemingly from out of nowhere.

 

It seems like everytime my doubts come back, Raid does something to assuage them.

 

I am a proud tulpamancer.

 

And for you, Raid, you deserve a brohoof.

 

/)

 

Go on. Take it.

 

And please don't feel sad, Raid. Just go at your own pace. If I'm not disappointed in you, why should you be?

 

And now another brohoof (\

 

Also, on a slightly worrying note, I seem to have a harder time controlling my own intrusive thoughts now, unless I'm preoccupying myself with something else. Just a minor issue, though. It's not like I'm purposely insulting Raid....

 

And yet, the fact that these thoughts come to me in general ails me. But I'm sure nothing bad will come of it.


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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I just want to quickly intervene on your PR to state that I read everything from the beginning, and it seems as if what I am going through, you already have. The fact that you managed to pull through, and came out even stronger gives me further hope with my own struggles, and I can honestly say that I hope to be able to make the progress that both you and Raid have. Keep up the forcing, things will definitely improve with time!


My Gaming Channel

 

Tulpa: Vinyl

Stage: A bit of everything, primarily right now imposition.

Appearance: Pony (originally styled similar to the MLPFiM art style, but lately has been shifting to a more anime-ish appearance)

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I just want to quickly intervene on your PR to state that I read everything from the beginning, and it seems as if what I am going through, you already have. The fact that you managed to pull through, and came out even stronger gives me further hope with my own struggles, and I can honestly say that I hope to be able to make the progress that both you and Raid have. Keep up the forcing, things will definitely improve with time!

 

My humble thanks, Celest.

Time really is the best medicine for anything, if not a slow-acting one.

Everything is working out, despite my doubts.

 

I worry too much.

 

Good luck with Vinyl ;)


When was the last time I used a date? When was the last time I posted nightly with some useless expository banter like "forme 2nite, lulz," just to fill up space?

 

Anyways, progress has been made, and I will report it. After all, this IS a Progress Report, is it not?

 

Earlier this morning, I asked Raid to try to visit me in my dream when I took a nap. Luckily, I had a lucid dream, and so, everything was a lot clearer. By the by, the by, I took St John's Wort, which is said to help induce more vivid dreams, and I think it works.

 

So, when I became lucid, I dicked around for a while, and then I thought of Raid. And so I....basically just called out for her. Nothing special.

 

And then a human with blue hair whom I've never seen before stepped before me. I asked her if she was Raid, and she confirmed. I commented on the strangeness of how my Pony tulpa was suddenly a human with blue hair, but I didn't think much of it at the time. Whenever I'm dreaming, I usually never think much. Just go with the plot.

 

Anyways....I don't remember exactly what happened next, but I think I recall some of the dreams NPCs (that's what I call them) going maverick (I.E., turning antagonistic) and I tried to come up with a way to get rid of them....so, out of all the crap I've seen in all the video games and movies I've ever played and seen, my imagination immediately went to black holes....what the fuck?

 

And so I sucked up all the NPCs, and I think I even remember Raid going inside it. I didn't think much of it until I woke up, and I had a bit of a nagging feeling.

 

I then asked one of my tulpaforcing buddies for advice, and he said that the black hole might have trapped her. I, at first, didn't take him seriously, but then he told me that Lucid Dreams were like tulpaforcing on steroids. So, I got worried, and asked Raid to confirm that she was ok. And so she did. I was still worried shitless, but I tried to get my mind off of it.

 

Later that day, as I showered, I asked for more signs that she was there. Again, confirmation, albeit very subtle and barely noticable. In fact, I think I heard a tiny voice in the back of my head saying "It's subtle."

 

I'm going to try not to worry about it too much and just focus on the positive. After all, progress has been made. Raid visited me in my dream!

 

I've tried summoning her in my dreams before, but with no success. To have her be successfully summoned for once is exciting.

 

.....Come to think of it....I feel a bit silly worrying about whether or not I trapped my tulpa in an imaginary black hole.

 

......Acually, I feel like a complete dumbass now.....

 

.....Um.....I'm going now.

 

Good night....?

 

*flies away*


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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If I'd known things would get this sappy, dramatic, and movie-like this quickly, I would have.....actually, I probably would have done things the exact same way. Anyways, on with the update.

 

So, a friend of mine (Cough, Mechropunk, Cough) changed her Wonderland to be a bit more Dark Souls-ish (we both love the fuck out of this game.) and I unconsciously changed mine to be more Demon's Souls-ish, (I love this game as well, but Dark just outshines it in every way, IMO) and I don't know how she changed hers, but my Wonderland was inadvertently Demon's Souls-ish from the very beginning, due to different, disconnected, disjointed worlds being connected by pretty much a different form of the archstones from Demon's Souls. That both surprised and amused me.

 

Anyways, changes to our Wonderland. I decided to give the Void a purpose. An extremely experimental purpose that may or may not work, but I decided to try it out anyways. When I or Raid look at the Void, we see just that; a Void. When we put on the pair of Glasses which I conveniently forced into the Wonderland, and look into it, you see a massive hallway with bookshelves built into the walls, and the hallway is pretty much endless. I've been trying to convince myself that either Raid or I can access the entirety of the hidden knowledge of the subconscious mind by reading some of these books. Emphasis on 'trying.' I picked up one of the books and opened it, and I thought I saw scribbling, but I was unsure whether or not I did something right, or whether I was just pretending to see something. I don't know, but this is really more symbolic than practical. I once saw someone else's PR and they asked their Tulpa to search their subconscious for any "tulpaforcing magic," and to report it if they found it. I basically asked Raid to do the same, but also to report any form of hidden subconscious knowledge if she found any. This is more of an experiment than anything, though, so results might be a bit lackluster. Or we might come up with an amazing Nobel Peace Prize-winning award. Who knows. I call this area of our Wonderland The Archives, by the way. Take a guess as to what I named it after. Go on, guess.....no, Mechropunk, you don't guess. It'd be too easy for you.

 

ANYWHO, on to the sappiness. A friend of mine whom I turned to for help ,after I got a first response from Raid, told me to give her a hug (I refuse to call it an imaginary hug) and to basically let her cry into me, as she was very emotional at the time...and still is, to an extent. So, one day, as I was falling asleep, I felt the urge to do and say the exact (or almost exact) following things:

 

 

Me: (begins tulpaforcing) "Raid? Nick once told me to give you a hug and let you cry into me, and I did do so, but I don't think I did it enough. So you know what?" *wraps my arms around Raid* "I should have done this from the very beginning. Cry into me all you want, Raid. I'm here for you."

 

What followed suit were emotions I hadn't felt since her very first few emotional responses she gave me. Also, I wasn't sure if I was imagining it or not, but I thought that, in the back of my mind, I could hear sobbing sounds, very faint, but very noticable. And I also have some belief that when I visualized Raid at that moment, I could see a few tears coming from her eyes.

 

Tears of joy, by the way, not tears of sadness.


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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I just realize how noisy the inside of my head really is. Often times, I have a thought which I swear isn't mine, and when I ask Raid if she talked, I hear a 'yes'....and then a 'that wasn't me' or some other crap which makes me want to grasp the sides of my skull and groan in frustration.

 

On a frequent basis, I hear a 'fuck you, Raid,' in my head, which I swear isn't me, it really isn't. After all, why would I say that to her? Why? And then I start questioning myself, and then something else tells me, "I'm talking, Jackie, listen, ignore those thoughts." and then I take this voice with a grain of salt, not disbelieving that my tulpa just talked to me, but not truly believing it either, and I try ignoring them, and then more thoughts come in saying, "Do you really hate me that much, Jackie?" and then a "I didn't say that."

 

I really hope this shit doesn't keep up for much longer.


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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Dammit, Mechropunk you left your account connected to my laptop. I don't even know how to delete this shit.

 

-Quad


"...Is a crank, half past 'gone', more dangerous than those who walk the sewers without noses?..."*[a] pause of contemplation*

"... going mildly insane..." - Mechropunk

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I don't believe I mentioned how a while ago, her facial expressions changed from a constant, nonstop smile, to a constant, continuous frown as she looked at me. I, at first, took that expression as one of concern (concern of what, I have no idea), but her affections were enough to appease whatever I thought might have been bothering her.

 

I now think that she was only making that expression because she wanted to say something to me the whole time, but was either unable to do so, or....I don't know, too shy? Something like that.

 

Well, I am convinced that she is vocal now, but unfortunately, I have an extremely severe case of parrotnoia, even when I hear a voice that tells me I'm not parroting. Not to mention the insulting intrusive thoughts are still there. I asked around on tulpa.info for opinions. My tulpabuddy said that I may have another hidden, accidental tulpa that was jealous of Raid, while others....started a whole friggin' debate which I didn't care for, nor did I want a part of. But being the one to seek for answers, I just went forth and continued asking for opinions. Eventually, I decided that the thoughts are just that: Thoughts. It's not some hidden tulpa that I created somehow, and they have no place within my mind. Even if it is some accidental tulpa (however unlikely that is,) they've missed their chance at life, and Raid obtained it. Plain and simple. I'm cruel sometimes, and I know it, but that is how I feel.

 

Anyways, back to the vocality. I was talking to Raid, and I heard some responses, but I was parrotnoid, so I asked her to surprise me.

 

She said "fuck you," punched me in the Wonderland nuts, and said she hated me. Then she asked me if she was scaring me, and then proceeded to get affectionate with me again. I honestly was too scared to answer, so I talked to my tulpabuddy about this, and he said "You asked her to surprise you. Are you surprised?"

 

I then had a realization that this was her surprise. I asked Raid not to do it again, and I heard an "I'm sorry. I won't do it again." She hasn't done it again, I believe....but I definitely heard some more of the same lines. I don't believe the later lines were from her, though.

 

So I then spoke to my tulpabuddy about the parrotnoia, and he asked me to purposely parrot Raid to see how weird it felt. So I did. It felt weird, so I wanted confirmation. I then made her say "Hollow Reversed," but in the middle of saying it, she suddenly whipped her arm across the air in front of her and yelled "stop making me say that!"

 

So, yeah. She's definitely vocal now. I just need to learn to hear her better.


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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I've been feeling strange lately.

 

I'm so tired. Exhausted, really. The feeling of exhaustion is there, 24/7. I can't remember the last time I had any energy. Falling asleep with Raid in my Wonderland arms is something I do now, because it feels better to me than just falling asleep normally, but that still doesn't help the constant exhaustion I feel.


Name: Raid

 

Sentience: Confirmed

 

Working on: Vocality

 

Personality Traits: Is awesome a personality trait?

 

Form: 1. Pegasus Pony, with a flat, pink mane, and pink tail, and yellow coat. Also, blue eyes.

2. A blue-haired human (only encountered in dream so far)

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Do you anything going on in life that's taking up a lot of your stamina?


My Gaming Channel

 

Tulpa: Vinyl

Stage: A bit of everything, primarily right now imposition.

Appearance: Pony (originally styled similar to the MLPFiM art style, but lately has been shifting to a more anime-ish appearance)

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