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My girlfriend is creating a tulpa... and i don't know if i am ready yet.


Fosk

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My girlfriend of over a year has recently been developing a tulpa... I have a friend who has a tulpa, (funny story, he had never heard of a "tulpa" when he made him, he just developed and has almost always been there) and i almost made one when i was younger, but i stopped early because i didn't think i was ready for that responsibility. A tulpa is either with you forever, or you have to... Kill it.... And lose a piece of yourself in the process. A big step i wasn't ready to take.

 

Anyways, she is developing a tulpa of her fursona, a furry persona for those not in the fandom. The tulpa's name is Harlow. She has had this character for years, and it has developed a complex personality. She never directly decided to make her a tulpa, it started happening recently and she decided not to stop it. Instead, she encouraged Harlow's formation as a tulpa, and she is nearly fully formed now, but not quite.

 

I am not dating her tulpa, i know. However, everything i say or do with her, her tulpa is also experiencing. It may not affect our relationship, but it could make things difficult if she doesnt like me.

 

Its also the fact that she will be there forever.... That scares me too. That is part of the reason i keep stopping myself from developing one.

 

I am scared... Im not quite sure why but i am scared. What if she doesn't like me? What if it changes my girlfriend? What if something bad happens... I love her so much... I support her decision, and by no means want to stop her, especially at this point. I just... Don't know what to do. A lot will change, and will never go back. I just don't know if i am ready...

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I actually can understand your concern.

But in the end, you have to set up priorities.

If your girlfriend wants to do it, she wants to do it. You shouldn't force her not to (not that I'm saying you would).

And if you can't deal with it, for whatever reason, then you just get out of the relationship--as sad of an option as that is.

In the end, she does what she wants, and you do what you want, in response to what you are dealt. You can't control her--you can only do what makes you happiest in whatever situation you are thrust into.

 

That said, I would most certainly not break up with her until after you've at least given it a try--it might not be as bad as you think.

Furthermore, you should thoroughly discuss your concerns with her, if you have not already.

"If this can be avoided, it should. If it can't, then it would be better if it could be. If it happened and you're thinking back to it, try and think back further. Try not to avoid it with your mind. If any of this is possible, it may be helpful. If not, it won't be."

 

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Frankly, I don't believe you have much of a problem, if you even have one at all.

 

You are asking many of the questions that I asked myself before I started creating a tulpa, as I'm sure others asked themselves before me. These are healthy concerns, and you should talk them over with your girlfriend, as Kiahdaj said. Of course, you are a bystander in this case, and your scenario is different from my own.

 

Let me just add in my own thoughts based on anecdotes from others. In every single relationship with one party having a tulpa and the other knowing and accepting the idea, the relationship worked out fine. I'd like to link you to Ashmo's Progress Report, where Bud, Ashmo's tulpa, showed quite strong feelings of affection for Ashmo's girlfriend, who acknowledged and included Bud in conversations.

 

You are already past the hard part of this: acceptance of the idea. Of course things will change. Things always change, and a large part of what we learn when making a tulpa is to accept the change that comes, regardless of our feelings at the time. The deviations always seem to work out in the end.

 

As for being liked: a tulpa thrives on attention seemingly no matter whom it comes from. Be encouraging and be inclusive and you will probably find the results you desire.

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Never thought anyone would use me as an example...

 

Bree (girlfriend) was very open to the idea when I first brought everything to her. I explained it all to her, showed her the site, the whole nine yards. As soon as I started though, she became terrified that my tulpa (Bud didn't have a name at that time) would hate her. If there was a fear about it, she probably had it. But as soon as Bud hatched, she made sure that I let him know she loved him. She asks how he is, sometimes even before she asks how I am. She does everything she can to make sure he knows that she thinks of him as just a real of a person as I do, and he adores her.

 

Tulpas just want to be loved. Not only by their hosts but by the people in their host's life that know about them too. If you treat them positively you will get that back. Even if you don't have too much contact with Harlow, as long as you are treating your girlfriend right, and she is happy with you, Harlow is more than likely going to love you.

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My girlfriend reacted very negatively to the idea of tulpa, so I made my tulpa in secret. In spite of that, my tulpa loves my girlfriend, and she's always encouraging me to do things for her. Talking to her is just about the only thing I do that my tulpa doesn't criticize as a waste of time.

"'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.'"

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Never thought anyone would use me as an example...

 

I'm sorry if that was the wrong thing to do or if you were bothered by it at all. Your PR just illustrated my thoughts perfectly, and we both basically said the same thing in this thread too.

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I actually can understand your concern.

But in the end, you have to set up priorities.

If your girlfriend wants to do it, she wants to do it. You shouldn't force her not to (not that I'm saying you would).

And if you can't deal with it, for whatever reason, then you just get out of the relationship--as sad of an option as that is.

In the end, she does what she wants, and you do what you want, in response to what you are dealt. You can't control her--you can only do what makes you happiest in whatever situation you are thrust into.

 

That said, I would most certainly not break up with her until after you've at least given it a try--it might not be as bad as you think.

Furthermore, you should thoroughly discuss your concerns with her, if you have not already.

 

I have no intention of breaking up with her, even if her tulpa was literally Hitler. Even if it did affect our relationship negatively, i would never leave her.

 


Never thought anyone would use me as an example...

 

Bree (girlfriend) was very open to the idea when I first brought everything to her. I explained it all to her, showed her the site, the whole nine yards. As soon as I started though, she became terrified that my tulpa (Bud didn't have a name at that time) would hate her. If there was a fear about it, she probably had it. But as soon as Bud hatched, she made sure that I let him know she loved him. She asks how he is, sometimes even before she asks how I am. She does everything she can to make sure he knows that she thinks of him as just a real of a person as I do, and he adores her.

 

Tulpas just want to be loved. Not only by their hosts but by the people in their host's life that know about them too. If you treat them positively you will get that back. Even if you don't have too much contact with Harlow, as long as you are treating your girlfriend right, and she is happy with you, Harlow is more than likely going to love you.

 

 

Thanks, this helped a lot.

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I am scared... Im not quite sure why but i am scared. What if she doesn't like me? What if it changes my girlfriend? What if something bad happens... I love her so much... I support her decision, and by no means want to stop her, especially at this point. I just... Don't know what to do. A lot will change, and will never go back. I just don't know if i am ready...

I'm sincerely sorry that you find tulpas frightening. Most are quite reasonable and sincerely have their human's best interests at heart. Wow, your girlfriend is a furry? You lucked out then (are very fortunate) - they tend to be more accepting of differences and generally kinder.

 

Actually, no, I don't think much will change : you said she's had this character for years, so that means her positive feelings for you will have been incorporated into her tulpa too. Tulpas do tend to follow after their human in that respect. A tulpa like that is made from her self-love, and that always includes love of those you care for.

 

Now, here's the thing. Never feel pressured into making a tulpa yourself. Especially don't make a tulpa if doing so would frighten or worry you. Being a tulpa is a thing of great joy when you are wanted. So, if you are worried just do not make one - that is the fairest thing for a tulpa.

 

Lastly, "keep or kill" are not the only options for a tulpa. Unpopular as it is there are other options, including integrating all the memories (in which case the tulpa returns to just being another sub-personality of yourself - which is not death, but change). [i am greatly simplifying here.]

 

I would say - try to let go of your fear. Fearing loss in a relationship can drive you to withdraw and harm your interaction. Rather just be accepting as you have been. There is much good in you - I can tell by that you worry. Try to keep a good perspective though, and don't let worry overwhelm you.

 

Think of it like this - you deal with a tulpa the same as you would with any person : discuss it. Is your girlfriend the type to have friends that don't like you? If so, then that's probably the real source of your worry. If not, then you are worrying entirely needlessly - she doesn't have those sort of friends (and that will also apply to her tulpa).

 

Be well you three. Cheers!

 

(Edit: Also read what Amir wrote.)

 

P.S.: I recently attended Furwag in Perth Western Australia (our production company was performing for the opening ceremony).

Please consider supporting Tulpa.info.


 

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I'm sorry if that was the wrong thing to do or if you were bothered by it at all. Your PR just illustrated my thoughts perfectly, and we both basically said the same thing in this thread too.

 

No, no. You weren't in the wrong at all. I'm actually a bit humbled that my PR spoke to someone on a level that they feel my experience might help others.

 

Also, Fosk, my inbox is always open. I've also posted my Skype in the pen pals thread if you'd ever like to talk in real time.

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