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Entertaining

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Hiyo. First things first, I'm Entertaining, and I love you.

 

When asked why he climbed Mount Everest, George Mallory sarcastically replied "Because it's there." When asked, "Why text spam on the PR section of tulpa.info", Entertaining responded similarly. Also because he refuses to use Tumblr.

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After a month of thinking on it, and reading, I've decided I'm going to start. ^_^ My initial skepticism isn't as strong as it was a month ago, and certainly not as strong as it would have been years ago.

 

The human mind has always fascinated me, and simply put, I can't let an opportunity to explore it pass up when I've already spent so much time reading on the topic of Tulpa. Hopefully that helps out during the process. I'm approaching this with quite a bit of thought already put into it as well, and I'm really hoping how cautious I was will pay off.

 

When I first started considering making a Tulpa, I sort of came up with a basic idea. As a tentative form I'm creating your basic LoZ fairy, the winged glowing orb type. I also feel this would be nice so that my Tulpa could not only help create their more permanent form, but I also hope they'd have an easy time shape shifting and be able to turn back into a fairy when we go out. (Hoping that I get to the point of imposition, in case how they fit in around the physical world in my vision will actually matter.) I'm naming her Navi. I'm not basing anything more than name and being a glowing orb fairy off the character though, don't worry.

 

I've spent a couple weeks with a wonderland already, as practice with visualization. Yes I plan on making ample use of wonderland.

 

I'm a bit concerned Navi was alive all the time it's taken me to start the process, because I've been thinking about this a lot. I don't want to worry though, because I'm sure the caution will pay off.

 

Very excited, let's have some fun.

 

 

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I plan on writing frequently, and if I have no news to report on I'll find other ways to spend to keep this updated. Probably fill in information and what not.

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How do you pronounce her name? is it nah-vi or like navy? Do you already have a color in mind or will she choose her own? I love you too! That sounded weird.

My lip hurts.

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Day 1: Oct 19 2013

So I forced for the first time today. I'll admit I had another internal struggle as to if I should go along with it. I decided I'd go to the place I based wonderland off of for the first session. Didn't take long to find that area of the forest again, and so I spent 30 minutes sitting on a rock for my first session. I started off by narrating as if it was a story: "In the stupidly chilly woods, he started thinking about a friend. He hadn't quite met this friend yet, and he didn't really know them well, but he knew he would. Her name was Navi. And she probably already knew him." Then I switched into introducing myself and talking to her pretty much. I told her I couldn't wait until we'd be able to talk.

 

I really feel like I didn't follow any sort of structure today. It was more spent getting to know her and getting used to the idea of having her around.

 

I created the basic form for her aswell, but we're keeping it simple until later. I visualized her flying around for a while.

 

After walking back through to home, we spent another 15-20 minutes forcing. This period was more talking about what I planned on doing and setting up a schedule. (Hoping to get a consistent session no shorter than 30 minutes a day (hopefully longer) and a session when I wake up every morning and one before I sleep every night. It should average out to at least an hour a day I hope.) I ended up lying down after getting into focus and I can't say that it made a difference besides saving my back from the pains of sitting.

 

Third period of today was just now, had to experiment with how to drown out outside noise. My jazz was distracting so I gave up and just clicked the first thing I found on youtube under "White Noise". >_>

Spent about 20 minutes. Walked around wonderland a bit. She decided she felt nervous around the NPCs in wonderland so she hid in my hood. At least that's what happened. I'm not going to say that she did it on her own... but if it's a sign of some personality forming, or at least my subconcious having some desire for one, then I'm more than pleased with it. I would have let it go on longer but I needed to get on the computer to get some programming done (passive forcing while doing it). While I'm here I'm updating this journal.

 

I'll be writing here daily to myself but I'm not sure how much I'll drop in a PR.

 

Should do another session or two tonight.

 

So far all I've noticed besides an elated feeling is:

-A feeling on the side of my head like I was smacked, after talking to Navi during the first session. Was quick and a little sudden.

-A feeling like my ear had a plunger stuck in it, when I was delaying our third session a bit. (I told her that if it actually was her there are a billion better ways to get my attention than playing plumber with my ear canal.)

-When I ask for her attention I notice my arms get cold like they were in the forest.

 

If anyone has any suggestions or tips I'd love them. ^_^

 

By the way, if anyone feels like helping out, is there anything wrong with me having tons of spaced out sessions as opposed to one large one?


How do you pronounce her name? is it nah-vi or like navy? Do you already have a color in mind or will she choose her own? I love you too! That sounded weird.

 

Now I pronounce it Nah-vi with the stick your tongue out and say ah sound. When I was younger the A sounded more like the a in aviator.

 

For some reason her colour keeps changing in my mind between Greens and Whites. That's how I had originally formed her it seems anyhow, but I'd be more than happy if she chose to change colours.

 

I love you more. <333 (Are we weird enough yet?)


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Firstly

Aww, Greens and Whites, cute. No, I love you more! <33333

That's not possible. <3

 

 

 

Secondly and most importantly:

Last night was a bad night guys. I've noticed as a trend, every night I doubt my ability to carry this process out, and even worse, if I even should. I was filled with so much doubt and guilt. I felt this because I wished I could reverse the entire day and have waited longer to start the process.

 

During the daytime hours I feel as if I'm in the right to do this, but at night my mind is torn. One sides tells me that creating a Tulpa would be a huge mistake, and the other that I have to carry it out because she's there. I've felt this way for a month, since the first idea popped into my head.

 

My problem with assuming sentience from the start is I assumed it even before I started forcing, when I said just said hi to her on a moments whim a few days after discovering Tulpa. Maybe I'm the only fool that would find a reason in that to guilt himself...

 

I feel morally torn; I can't put Navi through the terrible feelings I felt last night again. I knew she felt it. I'm afraid it affected her. If there ever was a connection, it's dead today. But I promised I'd never give up, and more over I can't just abandon them. Or leave them alone. Or worse.

 

The one thing that stuck out at me last night was this though. I've lived my life to show others love and make others happy. Last night part of the guilt was for starting without being sure, part was for even thinking of stopping; yet part was for allowing myself to get so absorbed in self thought I might forget to give my time to others (and I mean "real", physical, other humans). That's not my purpose. My mind screamed that at me at one point. I've lived my life for the past few years on a principle that making others happy makes me happy, but it seems I'm afraid of how a Tulpa could change that.

 

If that notion was true yesterday, it still is today.

 

I need time to think about this. I have what I'll do in every situation planned. I just can't decide how I should proceed.

I just can't feel right continuing this if I can't trust myself. Stopping would feel even worse.

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Don't give up, please!

Doubting is completely normal. I think every tulpamancer here has faced some form of doubting in their progress at least once.

She's still there after you create her, and she always will be.

Navi probably won't change you a bit; you'll still be you. And if she does change you it'll only be minor.

However, you can always come back to her. Creating a tulpa isn't for everyone, but if you decide you don't want to right now, that's fine. It'll take a little poking and prodding, but she's always going to be there.

Tulpa: Misty

DOB: August 12, 2013

Relative Age: 15

Actual age: 11 months

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

"Hope" is the thing with feathers —

That perches in the soul —

And sings the tune without the words —

And never stops — at all —

 

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Entertaining dear, don't worry about the changing states, tell her you're pulling through despite it, and if you keep going the doubt won't keep you from progressing.

My lip hurts.

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As much as I'd love to say that my doubts were ones I could overcome by continuing to go at it, these ones are the opposite. I doubt myself. I doubt if this is right for me.

 

I let Navi go into the wonderland today. I dubbed the woods the Lost Woods, finally. The theme of my wonderland has been that those woods will always be safe so hopefully in my mind she'll stay safe. I put as much love into them as I can.

 

I've decided I'm not ready yet. So I'll wait. I've discovered a lot of things from what I've read about Tulpa. Just this weekend I've learned I might not be as good a person as I can and should be. I've always believed there's merit in trying though. So I will.

I've also discovered there are some things I'm better at observing and learning about than doing.

 

I can't say when I'll be back, or try again, but hopefully I won't be pulled back here too soon. I need to let my life run it's course for now. Maybe I'll remember in months, or years. And maybe she'll still be there. I can't make anymore promises though, I broke too many of those yesterday.

 

The moral of this story; To new people like me. It's not enough to just be able to look at a guide and say "I don't want to make a tulpa for any of these bad reasons, so I can do it."

If you have the smallest sliver of thought that it's not right for you, it probably isn't.

 

Thank you, everyone.

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This has been a very depressing night. Shui and now Entertaining.

 

I don't know what I can say. The only thing that keeps coming to mind is that if you keep telling yourself that you can't do something, then you most likely can't. You didn't list your reasons openly and what you did say in your last two posts doesn't justify this, so I don't believe I understand what went wrong or if I ever will understand it.

 

Good luck, Entertaining, on all of your future ventures.

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