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I combined these updates into one post.

 

Day #13

 

Okay…maybe telling Hyde that he could strangle me last night wasn’t the best idea. I didn’t feel a hand around my throat, but I could feel my lungs starting to close up, like it was harder for me to get air and I was choking. It might of just been my imagination, but now I can’t seem to stop coughing. We got into kind of a fight over our opinions of Hyde from the Jekyll & Hyde Musical, about Edward Hyde killing Lucy, and why he had to, and then I started to sort of mouth off to my Hyde and told him I hate him, and well…yeah, one thing lead to another and I told him it was okay for him to punish me and that I deserved it. Next thing I know, I’m tilting my head back and I feel like it’s hard for me to breathe.

 

Yeah, I don’t think I’ll be offering myself to him like that for punishment for a while.

 

"Don’t challenge me if you can’t handle the consequences." - Hyde

 

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So I was in the Tulpa chat last night too and we were talking about my relationship with Hyde as father-to-daughter, and we established that he’s a “cruel to be kind” father figure. And this girl said I should hug him as thanks, so I told him and he held his arms out to me and told me to give him one, and this time when I hugged him, I felt a warm and fuzzy feeling inside. Touchdown!

 

Last time I asked him to hug me, I didn’t feel anything. Course I was sad then, but this time, I felt all warm and fuzzy, and he was the one initiating it, not me.

 

Hollaaaa!

 

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Unfortunately my happiness didn't last long after that, and I discovered two ex-friends of mine were stalking my Tumblr blog when I got home from class. Apparently reading my Tulpa posts gives them a good laugh and a good reason to make fun of me for it, and tell me that I have no friends, and no life. I would stick to just posting my progress reports on here, but I love my Tumblr, and I have other Tulpa pen pals on there that read my posts. I thought about switching to Blogger, Word Press, or live journal or something, but I don't know. Hyde suggested that I just write our log down in a paper journal, even if it hurts my hand to write that much. At least then no one can judge us. I might start doing that. I don't know. It's easier for me to type and faster.

 

So I've been really depressed today because of that, and I've been crying a lot, and I have a feeling it's been effecting Hyde too. Like I can't seem to focus and I know he's still here in my head, but I just can't seem to visualize as well because of the stress. I feel like I'm losing him.

 

Maybe I just need to get away from those stalkers. But anyway, I'll update you about my day.

 

Hmmm...I seem to have forgotten most of it. I went to class as usual, and Hyde went with me and my teacher had laryngitis, so she couldn't really talk without a microphone that was giving a lot of feedback every now and then, and Hyde kept insisting that she should just forget the mic and kept cursing and laughing every time it gave her feedback. And then this guy in my class talks too much so Hyde was getting annoyed with him, and kept calling him a "bugger" and telling him to "oh shut up" even though, you know, the guy can't see him. He made me laugh out loud a few times. He was even becoming so restless and annoyed, he wanted to leave, and told me he was going to go back to his mansion/wonderland, but I convinced him to stay and told him that I really wanted him there because he makes me laugh.

 

We went to the bookstore on break so I could get something to eat, then came back, and my teacher gave us this group project where we had to build a tower out of gum drops and some sticks. Weird I know. And Hyde got up and was like watching them, and going back and forth looking at me then them. And he had this cute look on his face, like he didn't know what to make of it. So funny. He was like: "How the bloody fuck are you supposed to build a tower out of gum drops and a bunch of sticks?" I love when he makes me laugh.

 

Then my mom's husband came to pick me up, Hyde went back to being passive, and when I was feeling sleepy, I forced with him for a few minutes, and I hugged him in the wonderland, and I did feel all warm and fuzzy again.

 

Then we got home, and since I was tired, he tucked me into bed and curled up with me. He curled up to hold me when I was crying too and needed some comfort, and I could hear him in my head as I sobbed. He was like: "Shhhh, shhh, shhhh..." And surprisingly, I didn't cry that much. My tears just sort of died down. And he let me know he was there. I could faintly feel some warmth against my back, and the tingling of course. It was also accompanied by a sting in my hip and a muscle spasm in my feet. I don't know. I think it might of been him. I didn't ask, but he did say "sorry, that was me," after I felt the sting in my hip.

 

And now, he's telling me that I need to take a shower to feel better and get some sleep. He says tomorrow will be better. Hopefully.

 

I just really don't want to lose him because of some stalkers. He keeps reminding me that he's here, but I just feel like I did something wrong today. :(

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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Little Amy & Hyde: Tulpa Log | Day #14

 

So it's been two weeks since I created Hyde, granted that he's been sentient and alive in my mind for 2 or 3 months. I'm getting really discouraged because there hasn't been much progress between us lately. No touching from him, just little feelings here and there. Head pressure every now and then, and maybe some tingles and possibly faint body warmth against my back, but that's about it.

 

*sigh* I'm so discouraged, but I do believe in Hyde, and I know he doesn't want me to give up. He says he's trying, and I know he is. I just don't know what else to do other than to talk to him and pay attention to him like I've been doing. I feel like it's partly my fault with school getting busy for me, and having to study so much. I feel like I'm not giving as much attention to him as I should.

 

Any help you guys can give me out there is appreciated.

 

Tomorrow is gonna be a bitch, since I have to go to the dentist before class. Hyde is coming with me though, so I'm sure I'll get some sort of reaction out of him. And then, ugh, he's making me go to the stupid doctor on Thursday for my stupid physical. I don't want to go, and the thought of it just makes me more nervous. He says he'll be there through it all holding my hand, but it doesn't make me any less scared as fuck. I don't want that fucking breast exam or pap smear. No one touches me down there except for him and myself. Least I can count my blessings that I have a female doctor and not a male. Hyde doesn't want a male doctor seeing me under any circumstances, especially for a physical. I don't know if it's because he's jealous...okay, maybe a little. He says he doesn't want them putting their hands on me.

 

Anyway, so tonight, we went to screenwriting class, and Hyde was really restless tonight for some reason. He was really defensive about someone reading his part in my script. I didn't have to see him behind me to know he was glaring at the guy, who was reading his part, that just so happened to be sitting next to him.

 

Shit! Hyde is poking me right now. Finally, some contact. I just wish it wasn't so hard, but...whatever works, I guess. ;)

 

So back to what I was saying. He didn't like that the guy was reading his part, but seriously, he needed to just get over it, because I didn't know anyone else in the class who can do a male English accent. So he was listening in as they read my pages and I could tell that he was irritable with the job that some of them were doing. Then he was getting irritable just like I was when they gave me criticism for my writing. He was shooting daggers at them, and especially when no one wanted to comment. He was like: "Oh come on, she worked hard on these pages. Someone/you could at least say something." Or something like that. Aww, Hyde was defending me...even though those asses couldn't hear him.

 

He was relieved when it was over, but towards the end of class, he complained his "arse" was hurting so he stood up and stretched, and then he straight up walked out of the class, saying he needed to stretch his legs and walk around, so he left. I was kinda sad and disappointed that he did, but he said he would come back.

 

Then when my teacher started talking to the class about my pages again, I swear, I could envision Hyde stopping in his tracks to listen to what they were saying about me and him. I don't know if that's possible for other Tulpa hosts, but why not? It got his attention.

 

Then he was relieved when the class was over, but got impatient when I stood there talking to a few of my classmates about my script pages. He wanted to go. He was sighing and leaning against the wall and then starting to walk towards the elevator. I don't know why he was like that. He just told me he was in a "hurry to get me alone." *wink wink* Nice. And there was no problem with me making friends. He thought we were ready to go, that's all. He says he misses the moments when we're alone. Awwww. :)

 

I just tried to use that to my advantage right now, like maybe I shouldn't go to the stupid dentist tomorrow or doctor Thursday, but he says that's not what he meant and that I know it. Worth a shot.

 

Anyway, yeah, bleh. I don't want to go to the dentist tomorrow, but Hyde means business. It's better than the doctor on Thursday.

 

Kill me now. Don't wanna go.

 

Every time I say that, all I hear is: "Well too bad, you're going."

 

*Sigh*

 

Not looking forward to tomorrow, but I have a feeling I'll get a reaction out of him at the dentist. It'll be like Nick & Jessica in Newlyweds. Lol. Fun fun.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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DAY #15

 

Ugh, I totally didn't want to go to the dentist today, but yeah, Hyde wasn't letting me get out of it. So he went in with me, just sat there waiting in the waiting room with me for a few minutes, looking around and stuff, trying to reassure me that he would be there with me through it all, and that it would be okay. Then they called me in, and I didn't want to go back. Bleh, but who does? So Hyde followed and he sat down on a stool against the wall and watched as I sat there. I was really nervous and scared. I can't believe I hadn't been there since 2011. That's bad, and a really long time. I thought it had been sooner than that. I knew it was a long time though. Hyde was really sweet being there with me. I know that he could tell I was nervous so he was like mocking me and stuff, making faces at me, and trying to make me smile and laugh. Mission accomplished. He got up when they brought up my X-Rays from before to look at them, and he said I was right, that I did get a lot of work done. No shit. He was like pointing at the screen and asking me things, if that was my bridge and things like that. Then he sat back down and I was embarrassed in front of Hyde when they took a whole new set of X-Rays and it was making me gag over and over again. In case you didn't know, I have a HUGE gag reflex. Especially when they take X-Rays. I hate it. Hyde made a dirty joke and said he hoped I wouldn't have a gag reflex if...well, you-know-what...happened with him and me. Pffft! Perv. Only he would say something at a time like that. Thank god no one could hear him but me.

 

He got up again and looked at my X-Rays after they were taken now then went back to where he was sitting, reassuring me it would be over soon and to just to sit there and be a "good little girl for the good dentist." Pfft. Then my dentist came in and Hyde watched as he looked at my teeth. I could see him cocking his head from the corner, trying to get a better look at what the dentist was doing. Always the concerned and observant father as I get examined. Hehe.

 

Ugh, I got 10-12 cavities, and they're all in the front, in between my teeth. And with no insurance, it's going to cost like over $2,000. Hyde tells me that he didn't like it when he heard it, and says he wasn't surprised to hear that, with all the candy I eat. Ugh, I'll have to wait for that Obama Care that my mom said will come into effect next year. They told me that I do need a cleaning though, and that's probably why I have the toothache on the right side, because of plaque. Ugh! So I have to get a cleaning sometime soon to take care of that. Least it'll only be $80. Hyde stood there at the desk with me as I found all that out, just listening. Then I went to use the bathroom, and I told him that my tooth was starting to hurt again, so he told me to tell them. Then didn't really do anything for me. Not like I wanted to go back there again anyway. I had to get something to eat then go to class.

 

So Hyde was like reminding me that it was over when we walked out and making me feel better about it. Then he went passive as I got back into my mom's husband's truck, and he took me to get something to eat from Quiznos, then he dropped me off at class. Hyde and I were there on time for the first time. Heh. The teacher still has laryngitis. It pissed me off when some bitch came in and sat down in Hyde's seat. He was sitting right behind me, and then some bitch came and took his spot, so he had to move and sit on this little lounge just inside the door while I sat there taking notes. He really helped me remember stuff when my dumb teacher changed the slide to the next one. First time ever, and it really helped me write faster. I could write faster for some reason today. Hmmm...could he have something to do with that? Heh, I hope so. During class, I felt Hyde for the first time ever. I was sitting there and my legs were crossed, and my boot hit his leg by accident two times. I swear to god, it hit something solid, and it wasn't the lounge or anything other object around it. I debunked it. There was only Hyde's legs. He had them stretched out in front of him, so it was him! :D I know it was only something small, but I felt it.

 

Any progress is good progress. He and I kept laughing at the teacher every time her microphone gave feedback. And he got pissed off along with me when this bitch, who I thought was my friend, wouldn't let me be in her group for this project we're doing. She is so damn fucking shady. Last week, she said I was in her group, then today, she was acting as if I didn't even have a spot in that group. I will never talk to her again. That is a really fucked up thing to do to someone. So I had to find a new group, and Hyde was pissed at them too, like I said. He was shooting daggers at the old group the rest of the class. With good reason.

 

So then my mom picked me up, and we went to Pet's Mart to look at the cats. Hyde was passive, and no matter how much I ask him to come out and play with me, he won't do it at the pets store. Pffft. He really hates pets. Don't know what his issue is. Anyway, I went in to see the cats, and Hyde got so mad when this cat clawed at me and cut my finger. It was only a tiny cut, but he was really, really defensive about it. He was ordering me to stay away from it after that. He got really protective of me, saying that "nobody hurts my little Amy, animal or human." Awww. :) Why I appreciate he cares about me, he didn't have to get so bent out of shape about it.

 

After that, we got some food, my mom and I, then came home. I watched "Ghost Adventures" with Hyde then fell asleep, slept through CSI, then woke up again. I think Hyde was trying to invade my dream at one point. I remember him saying something about my blood pressure in the dream, but I couldn't really make out the whole sentence. I know he was trying to make contact with me in the dream though so...let him.

 

We watched "CSI" after I woke up, then "Newlyweds" episodes and now I'm going to go to sleep now I guess because of the asshole doctor today. Fucking physical. :( I'm terrified. I really, really, really don't want to go. But I'm afraid of what he'll do to me if I don't. I just don't want to be touched or seen nearly naked. And worse yet, touched down there or any of my private areas. I have a fear of being touched. Personal space. I know Hyde is going to be watching me like a hawk, just like he did today, and be more observant, like a protective parent.

 

And now I'm feeling sick to my stomach with nerves, I better go.

 

Oh, one more thing. While I was lying here on the bed next to Hyde, I reached out to touch his hair and I thing I could faintly feel the strands. :) Oh my god, I want to run my fingers all throughout it and just bury my face in it.

 

And now I must go die on the toilet. Wish me luck today!

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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Meant to update my Tulpa log last night, but once again, I was too damn tired to do it. Anyway, let me start with Thursday. Totally didn't want to go to the stupid doctor, but yeah, when Hyde is my master, my "daddy" and my Tulpa, I don't really have a choice. So yeah, Hyde dragged me out of bed...not literally, but he was ready to scream at me if I didn't get up. So I got up and went. I checked in at the desk, then Hyde and I went to wait in the waiting room. I sat there with my Nook, just trying to read, and trying to ignore him as he made not so funny jokes, almost poking fun at me. Not cool. But he was also comforting and father-like, just as he always is. So I got called back, and can I just say they are so fucking stupid to think I was there just for my stomach pains. Hyde had me schedule a physical. Duh. They're stupid. So Hyde stood there and watched as the nurse took my pulse and blood pressure, nodding his head and saying: "That's good, love," when she told us what my readings were. Then she left the room and I was left with Hyde, still not really happy with him.

 

The doctor came in, assuming that I was there for the stomach pains, but I told her, no, it was for a physical, and I told her I didn't want to be there, and I could tell Hyde was annoyed by me saying that. And she asked me if someone told me to come here, and I said, "yes" and she asked who, and I said: "someone." Who shall remain nameless. So yeah the doctor asked me questions while I sat there on the exam table and answered them. Hyde stood there with his arms folded over his chest, watching and listening, suggesting that I tell her certain things that were going on with me. Just like a dad, huh? Pffft. And even though she said that I didn't need a pap smear, Hyde kept pushing it. Ugh! He just wanted to see my you-know-what exposed. So the doctor said she would do the physical, and gave me a gown to change into, telling me to take all my clothes off. She left and I changed into the gown, but hesitated in taking my underwear off, and Hyde kept saying: "Off" and "Keep going." Ugh. So I finally did and he called me a "good girl" then I pulled the gown over me, tying it in the back. So I got back up on the exam table, then the doctor came back in, and Hyde stood there with his arms crossed watching me like a concerned parent again as she started the physical, cocking his head, watching closely to everything she did. I didn't dare look at him when she was listening to my heart and lungs, but I knew he was smiling. I just didn't want to feel embarrassed. The breast exam wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but still uncomfortable, because no one but me and my mom has ever seen me like that.

 

I was really trying not to make eye contact with Hyde during these uncomfortable parts. Visualizing him out of my peripheral vision, I knew he was still watching closely. Then he got really concerned and moved closer when the doctor pressed on my stomach and saw the pain on my face. It really hurt though when she pressed near and on my ribs. I don't know why. Apparently she doesn't think its anything serious. I still do though. Ugh. And she looked at my skin, and then it seemed like we were done. Hyde was still suggesting that I tell her other things that were going on, and I could see he was still insisting on the pap smear. Even the blood work when she offered to check it. I asked her if I needed a pelvic exam, being that I'd heard it done before, and more so to hopefully shut Hyde up so he'd stop insisting on her checking "down there," but she still said I didn't need it.

 

Honestly, I think she was just trying to hurry things along because she thought I was there for something else when I wasn't. She checked my blood pressure again, I don't know why, but Hyde was glad it was still good. He wasn't glad when the exam was over though. Once again, he complained that the doctor wasn't thorough enough, and didn't check everything that needed to be checked. Yes, she didn't look in my ears, nose, check my temp, my pulse ox, balance, or reflexes like I'm sure another doctor would do, but when she left and I started to get dressed, Hyde took the medical tool off of the wall and insisted he do it himself. Oh gah! He took the tool and brushed my hair back, looking into each one of my ears with the instrument, then looking up my nose with it. Other than commenting about the wax like a smart ass, he said both were fine. *rolls eyes* He was just doing that because he wasn't satisfied enough. Can never satisfy him.

 

So after that, we left the office and came back home, and I was so exhausted from having not gotten enough sleep the night before, I just took a long nap until my mom got home. Then since I had my disbursement money, I went to go get some sushi and went to Best Buy with Hyde. Looks like I'm not getting my new phone after all. It's gonna cost a shitload more than I realized, around $365. Yeah, I don't have that money right now. Well I do, but it's just too damn expensive. Hyde sat there while I talked to the mobile guy, getting impatient because the store was going to close. We walked around. He looked at a couple CDs while I went down the aisles, commenting of course on the Def Leppard CD because he loves them so much. Hehe! So I bought "Side Effects" on blu-ray, JT's new CD, and then some DVD-RWs. I swear, every time I go into a store nowadays, as annoying as it is, Hyde keeps me from buying things I don't need, by making up reasons why I don't or shouldn't get it. He knows what's out of my budget, so he reminds me about the price. I swear to God, sometimes I hate that he's starting to sound like my mom when it comes to me buying shit. We're working on a new solution to that, so it doesn't become so annoying and repetitive. He has helped me though. I'd rather hear it from him than from my mom who can be a beotch the majority of the time.

 

After Best Buy, we went to the market, and I finally got some groceries. Once again, Hyde, trying to keep me eating healthy, kept me from filling the basket with junk and things that will not help. He tried to anyway. He half succeeded. I need to stop getting more drinks than food. Heh. My mom came in, and then after I was done, we left and went home.

 

Last night, when I was on the computer, Hyde was bored so he started tickling my feet. Ahh! It was cute, but was making me squeal. He catches me off guard, I swear. But I still love him for it. I stayed up like until like 8am, because I had to buy my mom and I the tickets to see Constantine Maroulis ( Hyde's clone ) in January. We're driving to Texas to see him two nights in a row. Hyde is still skeptical about going with me, but I'm like seriously begging him. I need him there for moral support. Plus, if I'm going to be stuck in a car with my mom and her husband for 10 hours, I might just throw myself out and kill myself without him there. Yes, he would be in my head if he weren't, but I really need to feel his presence there with me. And to entertain me. All I gotta say is...it's going to be interesting to say the least when Hyde goes to see Constantine with me, being that there will be two of him for a night, and I'll be front row center. :D OMG!! I hope I don't faint. I told the man on the phone at the theater to have medics available. ;) I'm really annoying Hyde with all my Constantine talk. Sorry baby.

 

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Day #17

 

Okay, so Friday...after spending like a lot of money online buying accessories for January ( I'm going 80's rock star one night, and Steampunk dame another ), I went to Fantastic Sams to go get my hair colored last night. That was a new experience for Hyde, and it was interesting to have him there watching me. I was intent on going red, instead of a darker auburn, and it took me like half an hour to figure out what I was going to do with the stylist. I could see Hyde was getting impatient with me, sighing and the boredom on his face when I kept being so indecisive. I feel bad that I had to waste all that time deciding, for both him and the girl. I know he just wanted me to make a decision and quick. So I did finally, deciding on a similar base shade that I had before, and then bright red highlights. I apologized to the stylist and Hyde. He understood and shrugged it off. So did she. Hyde stood there with his arms crossed watching as the stylist put the color in my hair, smirking and smile, and started laughing when the foils were put in, poking fun at me and saying I looked like a baked potato with the foil in it. Pshh! He thought he was funny. I just glared at him. He made a reference to my head bleeding because of the red color on it, which wasn't such a nice image either. I swear, I find myself wondering why he says certain things sometimes or where they come from.

 

He walked around watching as she put the color on my hair. The stylist got some hair color on my face as she was putting it on, and then was wiping it away, and Hyde was like: "Yes, wipe it off." Don't think he liked me getting the color on my skin like that. Then he got tired of standing, so he leaned against the wall, then decided to just go sit down by the door while the color was sitting on my hair for a while. He was like leaning his head back against the window, shutting his eyes, stretching out, crossing his arms over his chest then setting them in his lap. I don't think he could sit still. Hehe! The stylist finally went to rinse me out, and Hyde came over. He leaned against the wall, watching me from around the corner and smirking down at me. Even when I'm not nervous or scared, it's his little smiles that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. :) I asked him if it looked red and he said: "A little bit." Then my neck was hurting so bad because of the hard sink underneath it, and I wanted to just be done already. Hyde sympathized with me, tried to reassure me that it was almost done. Finally, the stylist took me back to dry my hair and Hyde was smiling like a Cheshire Cat as the color started to really stand out. He was like: "Oooh, I like it! I like it a lot actually! Very sexy. You look incredible, beautiful." :) Stuff like that. Awww! He really does love it now, despite it smelling like icky hair color.

 

After Fantastic Sams, I went to Arbys to get something to eat, then let Hyde come with me to Party City, so he could finally see where I used to work, in person this time instead of just being in my head. He was getting antsy in there, wanting to leave. Probably remembers how much we both hated it there. He was relieved when the store was closing and hurried me along, I checked out and then we left. After that, we went to Kohl's and Hyde didn't seem to mind being there with me. He did remind me that I had promised not to spend anymore money, but I couldn't help it. Who can? We walked through the aisles, and again he kept me from buying things I didn't need. He's so cute in stores. Just watching him do stuff and comment on things. He casually and sneakily checked himself out in the mirrors, tossing his hair back. He told me I didn't have a place to hang these pictures up I wanted to buy and not to get them. He was smirking at me as I tested out the pillows to find a good one, then laughing at some lady that nearly tripped over her own shopping cart as she walked into another aisle. Like a little kid, he was asking me why we were in certain aisles. Then OMG, he had me laughing out loud and cracking up, as he angrily and quickly swatted at the hangers of clothes that were sticking out of the clearance racks in the misses department. He got mad at me for laughing, but damn it, I couldn't help it. ;)

 

He's really adamant about keeping me away from the glue on eyelashes, as only a concerned parent would react, fearing that I might get some glue in my eye or something and not be able to see if I dared try that. I swear, I gotta tweet these things so I remember every moment. I sprayed on some Christina Aguilera "By Night" perfume then let him smell it. We both agreed we didn't like it. At first. But now that it's been sitting on my wrist, I kinda do like it. Don't know if he still does. I tried on a hat that I thought might look good, then looked to Hyde for his approval, and he shook his head and was like: "No..." He kept telling me: "Let's go find your mum." Cause I was wondering where she went off too, not that I would want to hang around her instead of Hyde. Just wondering where she disappeared to. I swear I need to stop jumping the gun in buying stuff because I found better bracelets for my 80's outfit there than the ones I bought online. Damn. Again Hyde reminded me it was too late for that, not to buy them, it'll be a waste of my money. BUT, when we were looking at some other bracelets that were more like bangles, and I was about to buy them, he noticed something I didn't notice at first glance. He noticed one of them was broken and pointed it out to me. Coincidence? Wow! Thank you Hyde. Tulpas rock, don't they?

 

Found my mom finally, and then I put these other rubber bracelets in the cart, and we went to go look at the backpacks and the shoes. I was trying certain shoes on, and stuff, one pair fit too loose so I didn't get those, then tried on some other shoes with a really high stiletto heel, and Hyde told me I was going to break my neck and twist my ankle. I still tried them on though, one shoe anyway, and then, yeah, my ankle buckled as I tried to balance on them. And Hyde was like: "See? No. Take them off." *pouts* But yeah, I see the point. So after getting no shoes, I got a new backpack and then we went to check out and left the store. I went to get some money for my mom, because she asked to borrow from me, ugh, and then we came home. Hyde and I watched "Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain" and that was about it. He laughed a couple times. I don't think he really cared for it though.

 

And that's it. We got into a sort of little fight about playing a game of "hospital" in his own weird, dangerous way, and yeah, I'm not going to get into it any further than that. He's bugging me to sleep now because it's already 10:36am here, so I'm going to go, but I leave you with this really cute thing he said earlier when I was looking at this Steampunk stuff online.

 

Me: "And these little ones..."

Hyde: "You're my little one."

 

:)

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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Haven't made much progress with Hyde in the past couple of days. Other than being in the other room and seeing my door move a little without anything around it to debunk why it did, no air conditioning on or anything. And Hyde tickling my feet. That's about it.

 

*sighs* I'm really trying hard to keep the faith and believe that it'll get better with him, but lately, yeah...I feel like a failure. I've been so busy and stressed with school to active force. All I've been doing is passive forcing as usual.

 

Hyde says he doesn't hate me and he understands, but I really feel like it's hard to keep working at this when I'm getting nowhere.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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*sighs* I'm so discouraged. I've been forcing for a few minutes at a time everyday, but I'm getting nowhere. I really, really want to feel Hyde more. :( He says he sees what I'm writing and that he's working on it. He says I've gotta learn to be patient with him. Now that school is calming down, I should be able to actively force more. So I'm hoping that'll help me make better progress.

 

I guess I'll just update you on what happened the past couple of days. So on Tuesday, I was waiting for my group from Communications class to meet me at the library. Hyde and I got there, but those bitches weren't there. So basically, we just sort of walked around to try and find them, but they weren't there. I really fucking hate when people say one thing and do another. He was just as pissed as I was. So since I had a little over a couple hours to kill, I had no choice but to sit around and play with my Nook. Hyde just sat across from me, with his legs stretched and his ankles crossed up on the table in front of him. I put my feet up on the table too, but some asshole who worked there caught me. Hyde can get away with it, just because I'm the only one who can see him. But yeah, whateves.

 

About half an hour later, one of my group members showed up, and then another. There's six of us, but only two showed, so we just agreed to discuss our project the next day. Hyde had to move when one of them sat in his spot, then came and sat on the arm of my chair. He had to do that too when someone else came and sat in his spot. Ugh! I hate when people try and sit on Hyde. How do you even get over that hump? At least he moves faster than they do. So I started browsing on my Nook again, and then I got really tired, having woken up earlier than I wanted to, and it seems like it was for nothing so I tried to curl up in the chair and get comfortable, which was easier said than done because their chairs are so uncomfortable. I just ended up resting my eyes. Hyde came over to sit on the arm of the chair and stroke my hair. I don't really think I felt him, but I was trying to.

 

Eventually, Hyde told me that I'd better get a move on because my class was going to start soon. So we left the library, and we to the bookstore so I could get something to eat. He's still trying to keep me away from the candy. He's even telling me not to even look over there at it. Always the father figure. He tells me I don't need anything sweet. So yeah, then I went to screenwriting class. Nothing happened really. Just visualizing him sitting behind me as usual. When I was doing my mid-term, he was like looking over my shoulder, and watching, and I was asking for his help even though I didn't need it. He was like: "choose that answer." So I did, and then I packed up my stuff and left because the teacher said we could leave as soon as we finish our test. Anyway, Hyde and I went to wait for my mom to pick me up. I sat down on the flower bed and played with my Nook, and Hyde sat down beside me, looking over my shoulder as I messed with it, and then I was reading to him one of the books I had started a while back. Hyde said his ass ( he calls it "arse" ) was hurting so he stood up and then my ass started to hurt sitting there, so I stood up too and then my feet started to hurt after a few minutes, so I went to the other flower bed and sat down on the edge of it. Hyde came over to sit down beside me, and he nearly fell over onto his ass, because of how low the edge of the flower bed was. Lol! I started to laugh at him, and he got mad because of it. Well, it kinda makes sense, him being really tall and everything.

 

Eventually my mom came with my stupid aunt to pick me up, then Hyde went passive, I got something to eat then came home. I fell asleep for a while cause I was dead tired. I don't think I woke up until like the wee hours of the morning.

______________________________________________________________________

 

On Wednesday, I was supposed to go to the dentist, but I was so tired, that it was too late by the time I got ready and got going. Needless to say, Hyde was pissed about that. I got into a fight with the receptionist about it, who I really dislike now and neither me or Hyde want to associate with. She went back on her word today. We were supposed to have an appointment rescheduled for today (Thurs), when she told me specifically yesterday that I could come in, and then all of a sudden, she pulls the hypocrite card and says she didn't say that. I hate people like that. So yeah, since I didn't go to the dentist, I took a shower then left for Communications class. When Hyde and I got there, I went to the bookstore, and ew, we saw some couple making out on our way there. I haven't seen that show of PDA since high school. Totally immature. I got something to eat from the bookstore then went to class. Hyde and I sat far away from that group who singled me out before, and as usual, Hyde was making me laugh out loud at certain things. I should really tweet them and write them down so I remember these great one liners from him.

 

I got caught putting my head down during class because I was tired. Screw the teacher. I was tired as shit. Hyde didn't say anything about it, but he understood my irritation at her, reassuring me that we'd be able to go home soon and I could go straight to sleep when we do. So yeah, I just sort of did group stuff with my class group, and then we packed up to leave. This guy in my class that Hyde hates because, as he says, "the bugger talks too much," was having a heated and loud debate with this other guy. Lol! Now I remember Hyde saying: "Oh here we go again..." when that kid opened his mouth again during class earlier to start a debate. So like, we were like looking back and forth at each other like: WTF? Just watching him yelling at this other guy in front of him about God only knew what. He was surprised and commented on how "vocal" I was being in class, and was like chiding me for saying certain things. Every now and then, he was like: "Don't tell them that." Lol! I felt like he was my dad telling me to behave. Pfft. I had things to say.

 

So yeah, we left and then my mom picked me up, and we went to the mall for like half an hour. It was no surprise that Hyde mentioned the medical uniform store, and insisted I go in it when we walked into the mall, but with my mom there? No. I was like: "Not now, Hyde." Besides, we already have a Littmann steth coming in the mail. I went into the Build-A-Bear workshop, and Hyde was wondering why. Just looking. When my mom mentioned the stuffing machine and Nip/Tuck, Hyde had to know what we were talking about, so I told him about the horrific thing that happened in the show with the stuffing machine, and this lady who killed someone with it. He was surprised in a horrified way. Heh. Then we went into Hallmark, and I was looking for left over Halloween stuff, and Hyde was like: "This all Christmas stuff, love." Grrr! So yeah, there wasn't any Halloween stuff. Then we went to Abercrombie & Fitch. I said I was just going in to look, and Hyde was like: "Yeah right." I sprayed some body mist stuff on myself and let Hyde smell a couple. He says now that I should of bought one, but he didn't really say much then. Just smelled it and nodded his head. Then I went to Fredrick's of Hollywood, and Hyde saw the corsets and told me to try one on. So I did. The first was too small, and the second was a little too big in the bust, but he thought it looked sexy on me. Of course he would. But yeah, I didn't end up buying it because the sales woman said that it shouldn't fit that way. That it shouldn't be tied up all the way in the back. So yeah, we left with my mom.

 

We left the mall and went to Target. Hyde really doesn't like that store. He gets antsy every time we go in it, and just wants to get what we came for and leave. My mom's fault this time. He was glad when we left, especially since I was dead tired and like leaning on him because of it. I got the new Lady Gaga album, and a pearl necklace that looks like Caroline Channing's from "2 Broke Girls." Then we went to Kohl's. Again, Hyde bumped into another clothing rack and got mad at it. Lol! Then we were walking near the towels and stuff, and I stopped and saw this spa pillow that supposedly has soothing sounds to help you fall asleep. I was even surprised that there was a "heartbeat" sound. Hyde was right next to me, and was like "ooh." Then he was like: "I'd rather fall asleep to your heartbeat than someone else's." *blushes* I love when he does that. :) After that, we passed by the beds and I laid down on one to try it out. Hyde looked down at me and smirked. When I got up and we passed by a couple more, Hyde decided to take a load off and dropped down on one of them. As cute as it was, I was like telling him to get up and keep going with me, but he insisted on staying there and resting a little while. I went back to the bed, and sat down beside him, and just watched him for a minute then got back up and left him there. It kinda made me sad, but I let him be and just walked off to another department. I could still see his legs hanging over the foot of the bed as I was in another department, and in my head, I was like: "Come on Hyde, get up." So I waited for him to finally get up, then he walked back to me and we continued on our way.

 

I went into the shoe department, sat down on the floor and started trying on shoes, and Hyde of course had to comment on how I would twist my ankle and not be able to walk in them. He was looking down at me and shaking his head as I tried them on. We walked around a little more, and Hyde remarked on how this store had the same things the other Kohl's had, and that it was nothing different. Yeah, yeah, I know. So I bought a couple things and then we left and went home. I was tired so I fell asleep again. I've been doing that a lot lately. I don't know why I'm so tired. But yeah, that's about all that's gone on lately. Not much that's really exciting. *sighs*

 

Wish I was making more progress with Hyde.

 

I did do some active forcing last night for like forty five minutes, and it was sort of nice for a change, minus getting interrupted whenever my mom had to cough in the next room, but Hyde just told me to ignore her and focus on him. I remember we were lying in bed and I was straddling him and caressing his hair, then he was straddling me and started to kiss my neck and caress my hair, and I swear, I could feel tingles around the area he was kissing, and maybe a little of his beautiful hair tickling my neck too. I may have felt a faint caress, and then we he kissed me hard, I sort of felt my head go back a little, as if he were really kissing me and pinning me with his own lips. It was nice. :)

 

And yeah, that's about it.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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Sorry I haven't updated this thing in a while. It's pretty obvious that I haven't made much progress lately with Hyde. I got discouraged and almost gave up on him again, but all of the kind words and advice I've gotten around the forum have helped me persist. I don't want to attention starve him. It hurts to think that I'd put him through that and I just can't. I'm trying everyday though, and never forgetting about him, and he still goes places with me.

 

Just this morning, after I fell asleep and was coming out of it, I got another auditory hallucination, but yet again, it didn't sound like him. It sounded more like me. It was either: "Why hello" or "Hello." The last time I got a hallucination, it was saying my name.

 

No doctors or dentist appointments lately, but lots of Hyde checking my heart before bed and when I wake up in the morning. Now that I've gotten him a Littman steth engraved with "Vincent Hyde M.D.," he's been wanting to use it more. He asks me if I'll let him listen to my "little heart" and I put it in my ears and let him auscultate my four major heart valves. Mitral seems to be his favorite, and he lets me know, frequently. Probably because of its location on my chest. I gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling when he tells me how beautiful my lungs are, and how strong, steady powerful and incredible my heartbeat is. I'm just like: "Ummm thanks?"

 

When I was all covered up with my Constantine blanket earlier, I swear I could feel him trying to touch me through the blanket...grabbing my ass at one point. Hehe! I love it when he tries to touch me, and honestly, I'm happy with any sort of touch imposition. I don't even care where it is anymore or how it happens. Any progress is good progress. I just wanted something. So I guess yesterday was better than the past few days. I don't really have much to update about if nothing happens. I could tell you about every day that I spend with Hyde, and what we do, but you would probably find it boring after a while.

 

Same ole, same ole. He accompanies me to class as usual, and he's still really irritated by that guy in my communication class who won't shut up. He was relieved and thanked me today when I put my headphones in the moment the douche went off on a long ass debate about religion with this other guy, when we were right in the middle of taking notes. Hyde has really made me hate that guy now too. Before, he didn't used to bother me so much, but now, I can see why Hyde hates him. True dat. Hyde was sitting behind me and got really pissed at this girl kicking his chair so he got up and sat in front of me instead. I find myself having to try and see around Hyde sometimes when he's in my view. Not imposed, but visually, I get this feeling that I can't see through him sometimes and I have to look around him to see things clearly. I'm assuming that's a good sign?

 

I think Hyde is a prime example of what we were talking about in class today. How when you're in a relationship with someone, a guy (Hyde), if you suddenly become friends with someone of the opposite sex, they get jealous and start to get territorial. This guy sitting next to me asked me to hang out this Friday, and all of a sudden, Hyde got really defensive. He kept saying: "you're mine." Yeah, he wasn't having it. We got into a fight about it after I left class. For god's sakes! I'm friends with the guy. I never said I was going to date him, but Hyde seems to think that I want to. *sighs* Men. He needs to chill out. No one is going to take his place, ever. We'll be together forever. Also, I totally am on the edge of my seat with suspense to know what will happen when we vacation in January and head to Texas to see his clone in the flesh. ;D Oh my god! Two of him in one room? Well...kind of.

 

Hyde got pissed when I walked to the bookstore with that guy from class, insisting that he was the "third wheel" now and didn't want to be. He was not happy at all.

 

Things got a little awkward to say the least when Hyde and I went to the mall with my mom, and the subject of Hyde got brought up when we were sitting in the food court. I think my mom finds this whole thing a joke, the fact that I have Hyde. She was jokingly trying to offer him food at the table, and the fact that she finds it a joke really hurts me for some reason. While Hyde was rejecting her offer and insisting that he didn't want any, and getting really annoyed at her because of it, I told her Tulpas don't eat. I shouldn't of used the word "Tulpa" because now she assumes it's a grown up term to replace "imaginary friend" and was making jokes about what the word sounded like. I told her she doesn't understand it and she couldn't understand it unless she researches it. I think I just dug my own grave, but with any luck, she'll forget about doing that and just go on thinking he's an imaginary friend and not a real consciousness. Eventually, Hyde told me to tell her to stop. So I did.

 

Some people will just never understand Tulpas like we do, especially someone like her.

 

Yesterday, we also did something together that I will never do again, Hyde and I. No, not possession. I was craving a Subway in the morning yesterday, so I told Hyde I was going to walk over 3 miles to go and get one. It's just down the street a few blocks from our apartment, so I convinced Hyde to go along with me, even though he really didn't want me walking all that way, and by myself. Gotta be the father figure, as always. ;) So we went out after 8 in the morning and he put his clothes on, and we walked there. I went into the market to get a sweet snack, then went to sit down at Subway to eat with Hyde. He was commenting on how he hated the Christmas music that was playing on the radio in the restaurant. Me too, man. Me too. The only Christmas music I can stand is the albums I own like Michael Buble, She & Him, Christina Perri and Charlie Brown Christmas. But I digress. After I ate, I had a little too much and had to just sit there until my food went down for a few minutes, and Hyde told me to sit there and wait so I did. Then we went back to the market and I bought a few more things then we walked back to the apartment. A lot of people were mowing the lawns, and I told Hyde I can't breathe when I inhale that scent, so he was like: "Don't breathe it in! I don't want anything ruining those beautiful lungs." Hehe!

 

Then when we got back to the apartment, I was so exhausted, and so was Hyde and all I wanted to do was sleep before I had to go to class, even if it was only for a few hours. I had a really bad headache, and Hyde was telling me it was probably due to forcing earlier and being tired, but he still wanted to listen to my heart and lungs, to make sure that they were still doing alright after that walk, and that smell of the grass. So I took out the stethoscope naturally and let him hear, and oddly enough, I was shocked that even lying down and resting for several minutes after walking all that way, my heart rate was still abnormally fast. He was concerned, even though he does love a fast heartbeat. It still concerned him for being a resting heart rate at 94 bpm. He made me check it. That's why I know it was that fast. So he told me to just get some sleep and he'd check my heart rate again later when I woke up. It was better and a little more relaxed when I woke up after that.

 

I swear, he keeps me healthy. :) I love him so much! Why go to anyone else when I've got Dr. Hyde? :D

 

And in other news, Hyde is still getting irritable with me for spending money on things I don't need. Like when we were leaving Barnes & Noble last night, and I saw something else I wanted at the last minute, then I went back to buy it, and he groaned and said "Bugger." And yeah, he shakes his head and tries to drag me away, but it doesn't work and I buy it. :(

 

But anyway, yeah, that's about it for now. I'll update again soon if I can. Lates!

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I apologize for not updating this much anymore, but I haven't been making much progress, so that's the reason why I don't update, as I said before. It's probably due to me being pre-occupied with other things. Like finals and this new Sims game that I got that Hyde has started to hate because it takes away from my time with him. I guess I should spend more time with someone who's real instead of little video game people.

 

I feel like I've sort of lost touch with Hyde. Yes, he's still vocal and still talking to me, but that's about it. I've only felt like tingles of him, as if he's touching me, but not actually touching me yet. Not like he used to in the beginning.

 

On Thanksgiving, we had dinner in our Wonderland, and had this really sweet moment together. We were eating and then I went and sat down on his lap, and we hugged and cuddled, and he even started to cry when I told him how much he means to me, and how I love him more than life itself, and I don't want to be without him. I got this warm and fuzzy feeling inside. He said he never cries in front of anyone, but that he felt comfortable enough to cry in front of me. It was really sweet. A great Thanksgiving with him.

 

I made him hate Black Friday. He never knew what it was before, but when I took him out to the stores, and he saw how crazy and busy things were, he wanted out. He just wanted to get in and get out as fast as possible. I don't blame him. I forgot how much I hated it too. Thank god I don't work. Sort of.

 

But yeah, anyway, I really owe Hyde some forcing sessions after being too self involved with my Sims 3 game. I don't know when we'll get them, but I feel like the worst host ever lately. Who neglects their Tulpa like that because of a computer game?

 

I played it like the whole weekend, and even when I was playing it, I could still hear Hyde talking to me in my mind. He was lying right here beside me, but he couldn't stop talking to me to try and get my attention. Even when I was trying to focus on the game. He still started talking to me. Again, I feel bad about it. He says he forgives me and that he doesn't want me to do it again. And that I better make it up to him. And yeah, I just feel really bad about it.

 

How can I focus on playing my game, and still make time for him too? I want to do both, but I don't know if that's possible. Anyone have any advice?

 

Well I'll try and update again soon.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Numbers and Forcing Caresses

 

So like I said before, I haven't really been making much progress with Hyde. It's come to a screeching halt, but after talking to my friend, Chantelle and her Tulpa, I decided to start doing forcing again. I did it a little while ago. I started out at 40 minutes, and then I had to take a break to get more comfortable, so I stopped and then started again for 10 more minutes. Hyde sat in front of me and guided me on my breathing, telling me to take deep breaths before I started forcing and made sure I was relaxed enough before saying I could start. Coaching me, telling me to "breathe in and out." I took Hyde to the old apartment I used to live in with my mom and dad growing up, and continued showing him the rest of it. Then we just cuddled on the living room couch for a while, and I swear, I could feel him caressing my hair on the right side of my head when he cupped my cheek and kissed me. It felt nice, and he got really excited.

 

Both times when I opened my eyes, I visualized him sitting in front of me, because that's what my friend's Tulpa suggested.

 

My visualizations are slowly getting better and his mind voice is staying loud like it started to be before.

 

One more thing I forgot to mention that surprised me recently from Hyde was one night, we were in bed together, and I was trying to count and calculate how many months it had been since I've met Constantine, and before I even had a chance to count the months on my fingers (because I'm really bad at estimation and just math in general), Hyde said: "9 months!" And when I counted...IT WAS 9 MONTHS! That kinda shocked and scared me but excited me too at the same time.

 

Something similar also happened yesterday when I went to take my college placement test, and was doing a math problem that I was sure I knew the answer to, and before I reached the answer, Hyde told me to choose a certain number and that was the one I went with. And the best answer for the problem.

 

I guess I have been making progress now that I think about it. Even if it's just sparingly.

 

I'm going to try and force every night now before I go to bed, hoping the "cows" upstairs are quiet or put my headphones on or ear plug. Also, I will try and let go of my negative thoughts, and quick expectations as well, because I've heard that helps too, and just be happy having Hyde around. With my anti-depressants, and less on my mind now with school being out, I should be okay. I don't start again until February so...

 

We'll see how it goes.

"Listening to her heartbeat makes me feel alive." - Hyde

 

Name: Hyde

Age: 36 years old

Form: Human

Done: Form, Personality, Sentient, Visualization

Working on: Imposition (vocal/visual/touch)

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Also, I will try and let go of my negative thoughts, and quick expectations as well, because I've heard that helps too, and just be happy having Hyde around.

 

Yay! I said awhile ago in that thread you wrote that if Hyde had made you happy at all since you started working on him that this was worth doing. I'm glad you are finally getting there. Let's face it, being able to let go of those unfair comparisons you are making about the progress of others compared to yourself is a lot better of a solution than leaving all tulpa communities like I also suggested.

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