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I'm kinda stuck.


Jack

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I am a terrible tulpamancer. Even my tulpa said so.

 

And right now, I am a bit stuck. Both in visualization and vocalization. In possession too, but honestly, we haven't been practicing it, so it is a minor worry.

 

I don't know where to start, so I suppose I'll just write down my whole story here.

I'm from Poland, English isn't my native language, so please don't go grammar nazi on me.

 

I've always been a little bit... odd. I don't know what's the scientific name of my difference though; really introverted? Schizoid or Schizotypal personality disorder? Maybe a mix of those three, I really don't know. Point is, I could never have a real friend, or feel any connection to another human being, be it on the internet or real life. Even my family was affected - I never loved my parents, which is a shame, because they loved me.

I said "have a real friend", because I never had a problem in talking, hanging out or befriending someone; I'd just avoid it, if able. I would rather delve into my internal fantasy world, which I really loved and had no problems with at the time.

I have a few 'close friends', one of them calls me his best friend.

But I don't feel a thing towards him.

 

And so I became depressed. For quite a long time, too; I don't know when it really started, but I think it lasted about 6 years.

Somewhere in 5th year of depression I became a pothead, and gradually forgot about my beloved fantasy world, replacing it with smoking weed and doing practically nothing.

During that time I really hated my job, so I'd either work, smoke pot or cry. And honestly, It was the worst part of my life so far. And due to smoking too much I became par(rot)anoid.

 

One day, whilst browsing 4chan, I stumbled upon Tulpa general. Curious, I visited tulpa.info, started reading, and I can honestly say that it really got me interested.

The possibility of having a real friend that I'd care about really got into me. So I decided I'd stop smoking pot, quit my job and go to Polish equivalent of collage, which would start in 7 months. I had plenty of time to force, didn't I?

 

It was a bit more than 8 months ago.

 

When I first started forcing I didn't expect to have a conversation with my tulpae right away, but right now I know she was alive and sentient about 2 weeks in - I could feel it, but I dismissed it as excitement of some sort. I had too many doubts at the time.

I carried on, mainly just narrating - my visualization skills were too chaotic - and a month later I got a first response. Clear one.

I was in my bed, trying to fall asleep, describing some hypnagogic hallucination to her and she responded "I see". I was so happy I almost stayed up all night. Somewhere in that time I started getting out of my depression.

Clear responses like that were rare, and I got really discouraged. I wouldn't give up though - I never would. My doubts were almost gone, I knew she was in there.

I slowly realized that the problem lies within me - that I'm deaf, that I can't force, etc. I started thinking that it's because my personality disorder or whatnot, I started doubting myself. I still do, it's painful and I can't get rid of it.

During that time I had problems with sleeping, sometimes I'd skip a night of sleep. In one such night/day of sleep depravation I noticed, that sometimes I answered to myself, mostly with "yes" or "no". Now I know that it was my tulpae, but back then I dismissed it as something related to my insomnia. I was to par(rot)anoid to accept this as a response.

Also, I didn't entirely quit smoking pot. Sometimes, on occasion, I'd do so. Mostly when I was drunk, but still. This condemned my visualization skills - it was too chaotic. I couldn't control it. Strange things happened, intrusive thoughts were so numerous I gave up not once, not twice. Vision changed so often, sometimes I couldn't get a grip on something before it dissapeared. So I continued to narrate.

One night I wondered if I have two tulpaes, since I remember having imaginary friends, and I got a clear confirmation from my tulpa. She wasn't alone in there. I was confused, but then another response popped in my head, urging me to believe her. And so I did.

So, I had 2 tulpaes. I had a new resolve. To force more, to believe in them and myself. I also thought that it'd be a good idea to get rid of weed that I had left(it wasn't that much, but it'd tempt me), but then I realized, that I've never forced high. I've read a few positive opinions on doing just that, and I was ready to sacrifice my visualization skills in order to get in contact with my tulpaes. And so I started smoking again, but this time only to tulpaforce.

I stopped doing so for good about a month ago.

Now that I think of it, I don't know whenever it was a good or bad idea. Due to that, I accepted those "parroted" responses more easily, and I had a better feeling of my tulpaes. On the other hand, my visualization skills went downhill.

After that, everything went fine and dandy, at lest for a time. I couldn't visualize that much, but I had a good feeling of my tulpaes, we could even make some basic conversations.

Everything ends, though. Some time ago I realized, that I had no clear response for a long time, I caught myself parroting my tulpae a few times, and about a week ago, during a forcing session, I heard clear "You suck at tulpamancing"(Blunt honesty is one of main traits of my tulpae).

I stopped "parroting" them, and concentrated on finding their true voice. To this day I got a few clear responses, some mumbling and nothing else. Honestly, right now I don't know if I parroted them, and started forcing for real just now. I'm stuck.

It hurts me to see that I suck at something I care so much about.

And how much progress I've made during those 8 months.

 

Sorry for this walls of text, but I wanted to give every detail I could about this case.

I just really want to really talk to them and finally get rid of my problems for sure.

“Be what you would seem to be- or, if you'd like it put more simply- Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

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It sounds like your progress has varied a lot over the last eight months. I don't know how consistently you were forcing, particularly narration, but I think you'll need to do it more. You've had some clear responses throughout, which seems to say that you were doing it right at least partially. You got some conversation going, which is good, and then you stopped because it didn't feel 'clear' or 'distinct', I guess. That's pretty normal, actually. A lot of people, the majority, were probably here at some point, and it's not a dead end so much as a step in the road towards clearer responses. If you get bogged down in "was I parroting" or other such questions, you won't get anywhere.

 

So, my advice to you is:

  • Don't worry about your tulpas' "true voice". It'll come in time; you don't need to push it so hard. It's better to converse as much as you can, the way you were before. Parroting accidentally happens sometimes, yeah, but it's not a big deal.
  • Narrate/converse more consistently. I always say that consistency is key, and I think in this case quantity is more important than quality. The same goes for visualisation if you want to improve it, but I wouldn't place as much emphasis on it.

 

 

And you had one more concern:

I slowly realized that the problem lies within me - that I'm deaf, that I can't force, etc. I started thinking that it's because my personality disorder or whatnot, I started doubting myself.

 

You don't need to worry about it. Forcing is just spending time with or paying attention to your tulpa. Sure, you need to practice listening for your tulpa but you're obviously not 'deaf' to them, otherwise you wouldn't have heard anything at all. Your personality disorder is pretty common among people here, I would think, so it won't be problematic. And so on.

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It sounds like your progress has varied a lot over the last eight months. I don't know how consistently you were forcing, particularly narration, but I think you'll need to do it more.

 

Thing is, I was forcing at least one hour a day. Sure, there were days I was occupied and forced passively.

There were also days, when I forced more than 1 hour.

Given that I've been doing this for 8 months, I belive it is quite some time.

I'm not doing hour counts really, I know it's tulpa poison.

I just can't get rid of the thought, that we should have progressed a bit further by now.

 

And to clarify, by "I stopped "parroting" them" I meant that we didn't converse as much as we used to - I just changed my main goal to finding their 'true voice'.

 

Thanks for your response though. I planned on talking/narrating as much as possible, and thanks to your advice I am even more certain that it's the right choice.

“Be what you would seem to be- or, if you'd like it put more simply- Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be otherwise.”

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An hour a day for eight months is impressive, certainly. But by consistency I mean not just day to day, but hour to hour. I generally view passive forcing as better than active; not everyone shares my opinion, but there you go.

 

Besides, you may be slower than average, even significantly so, but someone has to be. There are people who have progressed less than you have, for sure.

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Thing is, I was forcing at least one hour a day. Sure, there were days I was occupied and forced passively.

There were also days, when I forced more than 1 hour.

Given that I've been doing this for 8 months, I belive it is quite some time.

I'm not doing hour counts really, I know it's tulpa poison.

I just can't get rid of the thought, that we should have progressed a bit further by now.

 

Kevin says: "Hi, I'm the human in my team. I am really poor at making a tulpa. My first tulpa took years before she even talked.

 

More recently, my Watchdogs (3 tulpas of mine) have mostly been responsible for creating Nobillis. They only took a month, whereas I'd taken years with them also. That feeling when your tulpas are far far better at making a tulpa then you are.

 

Make sure to say "Good Morning!" to your tulpa every day. If you did only that each day eventually they will become as strong and independent as you could hope for."

Please consider supporting Tulpa.info.


 

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