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Finding the Friend Within Myself


Phasor Shift

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Thanks for the reply, Korzant, I forgot to say before.

 

December 10, 2013

 

This isn't so much about my tulpa as about my life, but I feel like talking some about it and I don't know where else I could. This is the closest thing I have to a personal blog, so yeah...

 

I... I fucked up. I made some bad judgement calls, I got carried away, and then I trusted someone I really shouldn't have.

I typed about a paragraph explaining some of what happened, but I decided against it, and deleted it. I guess I can't even talk about it here... Long story short, things went to shit last night. Feelings were hurt, emotions went rampant, friendships were broken.

 

I feel very alone right now...

 

I'm sorry to be boring you with this high school style crap, but... I dunno. I really hope I will one day feel welcome in this community that you guys feel like my friends and I would be more justified is telling you this crap. This is part of the reason why I'm looking for my Tulpa, so I can have someone there for me when I hit things like this. Right now, though, his absence is very noticeable.


PS: Milestone reached. Second page of thread.

Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself

~I will remember you, Artemis~

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Im not sure what happened, but stay strong man. Things will get better. Especially once your tulpa can speak ^_^

 

Great job on your progress. You are a lot better than I am at doing it frequently. We do almost all passive because of my idiocy. Hopefully I will change that soon. Say hi to your tulpa for me. Ill be watching this report. O_o *fades into the shadows*

 

[i have such a weird host T_T]

 

Yeah... yeah you do. :3

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You are a lot better than I am at doing it frequently.

 

Maybe before, but not so much now. Check the dates of my posts... I haven't been able to actively force in a while, and my passive is pretty much when I remember (only like two or three times in a day) for just a couple minutes before it slips my mind again...

 

Thanks for the reply though

Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself

~I will remember you, Artemis~

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well, I put dates every time I put an update, but normally I do put an update when I force. I do say if I've forced more than once during that period. For the first week or so I did manage every day, but now it's been like a week without.

Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself

~I will remember you, Artemis~

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Hey man, sorry to hear that you're going through a rough time. Truly mean it.

 

Also, a tulpa requires concentration, but is also patient. Take your time getting back into the swing of things, and you don't need to feel any discouragement for not forcing for a week. :)

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December 11, 2013

 

More stuff has happened with the personal stuff I mentioned before... Things got worse, but then it seemed they got better. Thought I'd give you a small update on that, however vague. I think everything will be okay...

 

In other, still unrelated news, school sucks. The semester is coming to an end, which means projects and presentations need to be finished, late work needs to be turned in, and stress starts climbing... Not that it wasn't before. Anyway, last night I stayed up all night finishing a presentation for a class, one of two that I had to do today. While I've pulled all-nighters before, I honestly think this is the first time it has been for academic reasons. Well, it was mostly for academic reasons. Just thought that an interesting tidbit of information. Also makes me feel really tired and kinda sick today, which adds to the stress. yay...

 

In more relevant, Tulpa related news, last night I finally decided to join the IRC chat. It's interesting. I moderate an mlp related irc room, so I'm familiar with the format, but it was different as well. Everyone was very helpful in answering questions, and I did feel welcome right away. They were nice (except for when it seemed I started a heated discussion about Metaphysics) and actually a little crazy... It seemed they were talking about everything random and jumping topics and general craziness, but it was a lot of fun. It took me a little while to realize that some of the people chatting were actually Tulpae, which added to the craziness of it, and a bit more after that to get used to it. They seemed like people just trying to rp, because of certain phrases and speech patterns, but I know it's actually a tulpa and I find that incredibly interesting... Some day I hope to be able to do that. Incredibly fascinating.

 

It seems that despite the insanity that social life and finals week will bring, I seem to be coming out of my slump. I haven't gotten around to actively searching for my tulpa yet, but joining the IRC and talking to the people there have gotten me enthusiastic about it again. I hope I'll be able to make more progress in the next few days.

 

Today, despite not sleeping last night and all the classwork, I think I did manage to keep my tulpa in my mind quite often, passively. I can't really think of what I did for much of it, but I was able to just stay aware of him at least. Also, I think progress was made. I believe I have started feeling head pressures, but I'm not entirely sure. I was in class and starting thinking about him, and I felt pressure across my scalp... It was more like my skin was tightening, and tingling a little. I asked in my head if it was him, and it remained. I asked him to move around, focusing on the sides of my head and the back in turn, and the sensation seemed to drift to those areas. I know I'm supposed to always assume it is my tulpa, but I'm still not sure... I feel like I've felt that before, and I could control it by focusing. So I'm not sure if it was myself creating the tightness or my tulpa responding to my thoughts. Is there a good way to tell if the head pressure is really my tulpa, or just myself causing it? I did try asking questions and suggesting a specific response, but again I feel like that could just be myself creating the feeling according to what I'd expect his response to be. I dunno.

 

I was reminded of something that happened a little while ago, that night I tried reading to my tulpa... I'm not sure if this is related, again, because it seemed so... well, unrelated. After I put the book away and was settling to go to sleep, I heard something... Like, actually heard it, almost. It wasn't a voice, just a sound. Not like a tone, or anything like that... I don't remember exactly. It almost seemed like a sound that would occur naturally around me, like a snow plow outside, but it was different. It was... a middle sound, I guess I could call it. There's your inner voice, your mindvoice, what you hear when thinking or interacting with your tulpa. This is a sound that is clearly inside your head, generated purely by your mind, and not actually heard. This is the way you hear other random sounds when thinking about them as well. The sound I heard was not that. Then there's regular hearing, when something in the world makes a noise, vibrates the air, etc. You hear this, and you can clearly tell that it originated outside your body. It is a separate sound, and is picked up by your earholes and sent to your brain for processing. The sound I heard was not that, either.

What it was, seemed to originate somewhere in between the two. Like, it clearly was not a mind voice, because I could swear I actually heard it. But neither was it a normal sound, because it seemed to come from within my ear? if that makes any sense. Like a sound that should have come from far off, and sounds just like it would were it far off, but actually comes from right next to your head. Or.. If you tense the muscles by your ears, you can hear this roaring sound, I don't know how to describe it. You hear it, but it comes from inside your head. I don't know... It was a weird sound. Anyway, I heard that, so it might be worth noting. I don't really think so, because I have experienced this occasionally before. It probably was just a regular outdoor sound, but my mind playing tricks on me. I just thought I'd mention it anyway.

 

Another thought, I really need to find a name for my tulpa. I can't keep referring to him as "my tulpa." I know I mentioned I called him Phasor before, but I still don't really like that, and it just seems strange. I haven't had the impulse to call him that again either. I could give him a placeholder name, one that he could change as soon as he was able, but that seems just as odd to me. I don't know. I'll figure something out...

 

And one more shout out to the people in the IRC chat. You guys are great. Thanks for all the feedback. :)


Also: Back into the super long posts, it seems. I prefer these to the short ones anyway... although I feel it could be daunting to read. Maybe I'll start adding a TL;DR section each time.

Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself

~I will remember you, Artemis~

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December 11, 2013 Later the same day...

 

I managed to get about a half hour of active searching in today. I listened to Weightless, the most relaxing song in the world, while I concentrated, trying to calm my mind and heart rate. Of course, having not slept last night, there was the risk it would put me to sleep. I managed to stay awake, and the music did seem to help.

 

Anyway, I created my field, my wonderland, and called my tulpa in front of me. Remembering what had happened last time I meditated, I started with strengthening his personality. I changed it from what I had before, fitting more with what he seemed to take on last time. I emphasized to him being headstrong and bold, instead of shy. He seemed more like the kind of guy who would have a more assertive attitude anyway. I noticed while doing this and holding his shape, that he had changed. He had grown, quite literally. Instead of being close to the chibi little cat dude in my picture, he was taller, more muscular. It seemed he was only a little bit shorter than I now, more closely resembling a teenager than a toddler. Again, matching how his personality was forming. He stood straight and strong, and the armor I had created him with was gone. I realized he closely resembled a Basitin from the webcomic TwoKinds. (Picture isn't the greatest reference. Just wanted to show about what he looked like)

I kinda like the new look. I hope he does too.

 

Since I had felt some head pressure earlier today, I decided to try that again as well. I would ask him simple questions, and request he give me the pressure for yes or no. He's still not very good at it, and it's possible he still doesn't understand exactly what I'm asking of him, but often I would get pressure as a response, sometimes strong, sometimes week. I tried getting him to vocalize something, but he isn't ready. Still no headway on the name, either.

 

Well, there's another "quick" update on what I accomplished in a half hour, before my thoughts started drifting again faster than I could call them back. A bit more head pressure, and a lot of physical growth.

Join me in my personal journey: Finding the Friend Within Myself

~I will remember you, Artemis~

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Hello there phasor, I have read your report and just wanted to tell you. That I fully understand how you feel.

Even though Im not in college, I have trouble here and there in school and some problems most like yours.

The reason why I say this is because I want to connect with you. It seems like there wasn't a very good,

Friend there for you, and now you seem to not keep to friends because of that very reason, and events

Happen that test friendships. And that. Is what I fully understand. Now you seem cool and collected even With ADHD. I live with a person who has it, but let's just say that things for him could be better. But what I'm Trying to get to is that, if you need someone to talk to, even if you have other people to talk to but think

They won't value you. Then talk to some of us. I enjoy reading your report as to I see progress being made and would very much like to talk to you. Its up to you if you want to or not, on having a talk, but its your choice.

My Skype is gunshotxxx . (PS, profile pic is a black pony oc with white hair.)

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