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Working with Miyuki (Gidellom) Update: Not much progress =(

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EDIT: Gidellom's new name is "美雪" (Miyuki) meaning beautiful snow.

 

Hello everyone, I'm Dan, I suck at writing and expressing my thoughts, so I hope you find this bearable >.<

 

I decided to create a Tulpa after finding a post about them while rummaging through the cesspool of the interwebs ("COUGH" "COUGH" 4chan). The post itself made me sick and said something in the lines of,

"I use my Tulpa as a sex-slave blah blah blah." I thought, "hmmmmm what is this idiot talking about" and decided to google the word "tulpa".

 

What I found was something to good to be true, a sentient being sharing a brain with you? So, I decided to find and read anything related to tulpas to get a better grasp at what a tulpa is. I started right away after I crammed all the knowledge I could into my tiny little brain!

 

A few months ago, I was quite the wreck, I decided that meditation, and learning about magic (not learning how to do spells and stuff, more in the lines of how it could have worked and the history behind it, particularly sigils) would help myself pick myself together. I created a sigil of an undine named GDLLM or Gidellom based on the hebrew alphabet just for funs. Surprisingly, I never forgot her or the sigil I created for her.

 

When I thought about what my tulpa would be, I knew it was Gidellom (Gi-Dee for short). Everything I thought about her instantly clicked into a neat picture.

 

TLDR: Best way to describe her is a yuki-onna.

 

Long Description:

 

She is quite fair skinned (she's ****cking pale), has long white silky hair, very very light blue eyes (kind of like this). She has flushed cheeks and light pink lips, and she has a very stoic look 80% of the time. Her body (oh lord) is quite slim and her chest is not as ample as other females......(Wait....no...stop....Owwww....OWWWWWWW), she looks as if she is around the age of 17-21. She wears many different forms of japanese dress, ranging from hakamas, kimonos, or miko garbs, mostly in the color of white and light blue, or white and red (with matching sandals!!!!).

 

She quite cold (hehe...get it?.....I'll excuse myself....), emotionless, and looks as if she was a doll on the exterior (think Yuki Nagato from Haruhi Suzumiya). On the inside she's actually quite shy and emotional, but doesn't really know how to show it. It's quite fun teasing her and making her red as a cherry (although she tends to counter with a sharp icicle in the back >.>). She's quite the loyal companion, but she's brutally honest about everything even if it ends up hurting the other person.

 

OH lord I wrote way too much...

 

I decided to start this report on Mon, 01/27/2014 and it's been around 4 days since I've started.

 

The first night I forced her personality and visualized her, I also read even more guides and fell asleep thinking about her.

 

The second day I got up, said hello, practiced some swordsmanship and narrated to her like a madman. I got a call from my workplace and told me I was late to work.....I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I WORKED THAT DAY.... I walked to the bus station imagining Gidellom next to me, but I eventually gave up and imagined a chibi version of her sitting on my shoulder. When I talked to her, I got simple yes or not answers in my own voice and started freaking out. I thought I that this was to early and I'm parroting her, therefore ruining her, so I frantically looked for guides/tips about parroting. I calmed down after reading many people in a similar situation as me and decided that I was worrying about nothing. I got to my workplace about a hour late and worked throughout the night constantly talking to Gidellom, to the point of repeating her name in my head when I didn't know what to say. Work ended, I went home, talked to her in the shower, and did some visualization and personality forcing and fell asleep midway.


The Third day:

 

I woke at around 3PM and went to work, talking to Gidellom, trying to get a feel of her next to me, and trying to calm my mind of doubts. We were quite busy at work today (I work as a carhop at Sonic) and we only had 4 people there, 1 cook, 1 manager, 1 drive thru person and me vs a wrapped drive-thru and every stall full of angry people in angry cars. I was extremely angry at everything, I just wanted to walk out (skate out >..>) and leave. This was my 6th day in a row with 6-8 hour shifts each day. We managed to pull through and I took out the last order wanting to just hurl it at our customer. I took it out managed to calmly give them their food and skated back into our shop. It was quite a weird experience, I felt all my anger dissipate instantly and just felt calm and collected. I decided to attribute this experience as Gidellom's doing and I thanked her. After a bit more grinding at work, I went home, talked in the shower like a lunatic and fell asleep while forcing.

 

While forcing I started hearing melodies in my mind and thought, oh hey she's trying to talk to me and fell asleep. That was the first time in my life where I ever heard any melodies like that.


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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Thanks for the encouragement! =3 I think writing this is really helping me enforce visualizing her.

 

The Fourth Day.

 

I had quite a vivid dream where I fought a dragon with a party of adventurers in the first person. Sadly, when I woke up I didn't remember if Gidellom was there or not =(. I woke up a bit early that day and lurked on the forums on my laptop. I've felt some head pressure and I heard Gidellom or myself say something in the lines of "come here for a second". I am pretty doubtful that it was actually her talking, but I accepted it anyways. I went through my usual process of getting to our wonderland.

 

I just remembered, I didn't explain our wonderland at all! >.<

 

TLDR: It's a hole in the ground with water in the middle.

 

Long version:

Our wonderland is a deep chasm with a mini lake (a bit bigger than a pond) in the middle supplied by a small waterfall from a stream above the chasm (Kind of like this). Here's a simplified picture of our area. There are trees, plants and animals in our wonderland, typically what you would find in a japanese forest area. Bamboo grows in patches next to the water in the wet soil and koi fish swim energetically in the water. There is a special type of flower that grows in our wonderland, it's white ,glows faintly in the dark, only blossoms at night, and is quite cold to the touch. We have a pavilion that is set in middle of the lake with some simple furnishing (A bed, table, chairs and a small bookshelf lit with some lanterns and candles hanging from the center supports and from the ceiling. There is a simple small cottage made of wood and paper in the east side of the wonderland. On the west side the waterfall comes down and trickles into the lake in a small stream. A bit north of the waterfall and north west of the lake is an exit to a separate place of my "mind."

 

The air in the wonderland has a earthy smell to it and is quite humid (not icky humid, but , cold nice humid (like strolling outside in a foggy morning). You could hear insects chirping, bird singing and animals moving about. At daytime, sunlight shines nicely into the chasm and lights the place up very well. When the sun sets and the moon appears...... the wonderland's atmosphere changes....it becomes too beautiful to describe (I shall try my best). Moonlight trickles in and bathes everything in a silver light. The water captures the moonlight, making it glow dimly, the birds stop singing, the insects quiet down, and the animals lay down and rest. The white flowers blossoms giving them an eerie blueish white glow. The fireflies wake up and dance in the air while Gidellom heads to the lake.

 

She silently drifts near the waterside glowing dimly in the moonlight. She removes her sandals and places them at the edge of the water and slowly strolls on the surface of the water, lightly freezing the water wherever she touches. She silently moves to the centermost part of the lake, and gently sits down in a posture that radiates elegance.

 

The door of the exit on the north side of the wonderland is a mossy dark wooden door with no handle. It opens when you wish it too and inside is long marble hallway with black and white tiling on the ground. The hall is lined with statues of guards with their spears held next to them. At the end of the hallway is a shimmering force field holding an entire sea from flooding into our wonderland. Passing through the force field is an empty white sea with no waves, eerie silence and imposes a sense of emptiness.

 

That was way longer than I meant it to be..... >.<

 

Anyways, back to the story, I did my usual routine to get to my wonderland (Sank to the entrance of my wonderland) and went through the door to our wonderland. I immediately knew something was wrong, Gidellom came to me covered in blood and ran me through in the stomach with her ice-hand. The wonderland itself was eerie red and seemed alien to me. I had no idea what was going on and I just stood there and let it play out.

 

I'm not really sure what this all meant and how I should take from this event....eventually though, I dismissed it as a bit of deviance from my framework of her personality and my stupid mind doing stupid things.

 

After this incident, when I think of Gidellom, smiling a sweet innocent smile that warms me every time I think of it (and her greeting me with a stab to the stomach when I say/think something really crazy).

 

I went to work that day and had a 3 hour shift, nothing special happened, I felt head pressure whenever I thought of Gidellom and parroted(?) yes or no answers when I asked her questions.

 

After work, I talked in the shower, cleaned myself up and decided to try out Linkzelda's awesome hypnosis scripts. I got myself in a night suggestible state and started forcing. I closed my eyes, and simply listened and focused my thoughts on Gidellom. I heard melodies again had instances where I would hear absolutely nothing (I was listening to white noise) as if my ears turned off for a millisecond. I heard some voices and thoughts that I think weren't mine own, but I couldn't process them into actual words. I heard some vocals appearing in the songs, but It sounded like just gibberish.

 

Then I heard absolutely nothing...the white noise I was listening to simply dissipated instantly....my heart sank like a stone and I lost all concentration (this was at around 2AM). I carefully opened my eyes and......

 

My laptop overheated and shut off >.>


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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I decided to skip to present time due to reasons I cannot explain (better way to say I'm a lazy b*tch).

 

Summary of what happened in this time frame:

Lots of narration, lots of doubt, falling asleep while tulpaforcing, lurking and playing Dominions 4, forgetting to talk to Gidellom for long periods of time. Slowly succumbing to my doubt and halting my progress. I posted my doubts and worries on a thread, and you guys helped me get most of my doubts to disappear. Thanks everyone!

 

Some where in that time frame, I tried some symbolism.I stood next to a mirror, I gave Gidellom a ring, a simple silver ring with a sapphire. (Kind of like this) The ring is a symbol of our connection, and it opens all of my mind, memories and experiences for her. I gently took her hand and placed the ring on her right ring finger. After, I stood in front of the mirror, with my sword drawn, I saluted to her (best 2 hand salute picture I could find) and vowed that I will protect her will the best of my abilities, that we will stay together through thick and thin, and that our connection will never weaken even past death. I closed my eyes and simply stood there for a few minutes.

 

I am writing this at Thursday 01/30/2014 at 4:17 AM

I woke up on Wednesday in the early early morning (2-3) and greeted Gidellom. I did some small talk and turned on my computer. I played some games, forgot to narrate to Gidellom many times, watched some videos, and lurked on the forums. At around 7-8 I promised Gidellom that we would force after watching the extended pokerap video from collegehumor. I broke our promise and decided to watch a pokemon creepypasta and listen to lavender town with Gidellom (she didn't mind it, at least, I think so). I got curious with the pokemon creepypastas and decided to look up some images and read some pastas instead of forcing, which was a really bad idea. Most of the pictures were pretty disturbing and some were QUITE graphic (poor girl getting eaten by dog pokemon). I spent around 2 hours doing this. I finally stopped and went to go to force/fall asleep.

 

Needless to say, it was very hard to focus on my forcing session and I passed out while forcing.

 

I woke up, greeted Gidellom, and went out with my mother to do some quick shopping before she went to work. We got some groceries and came back home, with me narrating to Gidellom the entire time. We got home and I put the groceries inside the fridge, fed the dogs, and went back to my room to play games/lurk/watch videos.

 

My mom left to work at around 4:30 PM and after a bit, I went to go check on my big dog in the backyard (he barks so much! >.>). I let him loose to run around while I practiced some polearm techniques. After, I played some fetch with my dog and put him back in his little home. I didn't really have Gidellom on my mind while I was doing that and apologized for not narrating for her. (Although, It seems she's fine with me having alone time while I practice my art)

 

It was around 8-9 when I got sleepy and decided to sleep. I was quite cold, the images and stories of the creepypastas were lingering on my mind so I decided to do something about it.

 

I shut off my computer, turned off the lights and came to my living room with my long sword in hand. I in front of the mirror (quite a bit away from it) and raised my sword. I could only faintly see a outline of myself in the mirror. I calmed myself and breathed slowly. I let my thoughts wander and whenever I thought of something disturbing or creepy, I struck it down (figuratively) with a slash of my sword. I did this for about 10-15 minutes and I became calm and collected. I went back to my room to force.

 

I put on some sounds of a small stream and laid down with my eyes open. I imagined Gidellom letting me rest my head on her knees. We stayed like that for a while. At some point I fell asleep with my eyes open...

I'm pretty sure I didn't close them at any point.

 

 

This next part: I don't know if I was awake or dreaming, I assume I was dreaming though...

 

I was lying on my bed.

I felt like I was immobilized.

I was excited to be in what felt like sleep paralysis.

I felt the feeling of when your leg falls asleep when there's no blood flowing, except stronger and throughout my whole body.

I willed my body to move and the tingling sensation felt much more strong.

I willed my body to go on it's side.

I immediately felt something wrong afterwards.

It was pitch black, but I felt something hidden in the darkness, smirking, enjoying my struggle and ready to pounce at me when I let my guard down.

My body felt like lead, I felt pure dread hammering down on me.

I tried to get up, but my body was responding very slowly.

I stared at the darkness with hatred and fury, I willed my voice to come through.I willed myself to get up and while doing so, I managed to get a low growl out of my body at whatever was there in the shadow, It seemed to know that I was NOT afraid and that as soon as I got up, I would find it and tear it to pieces.

The thing in the darkness faded away and I blacked out.

 

I'm pretty sure this was a dream, as I've had similar experiences to this, and the only way I could explain it is a dream.

Though, it was a VERY realistic dream.

 

 

Afterwards, I had many vivid dreams and woke up.

 

After greeting Gidellom, I laid on my bed to try to sort my thoughts together. After, a bit of time I decided to spend time forcing with Gidellom.

 

 

I heard something when I closed my eyes.

 

It sounded like a hollow bird chirp, and it vibrated in my mind, It felt so odd..... I'm sure it was the first time Gidellom ever vocalized something to me.

 

It didn't sound like a real bird, and even if a bird could make that sound, it was 3:30 AM. I thanked Gidellom profusely, and encouraged her to vocalize more. Unfortunately, I think I got a bit to excited to listen to her properly and decided to mark my progress.

 

EDIT: Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, apparently she quite the glutton.....

When I ate a burger patty, I projected one for her......

 

I got an image of her eating 18 hamburger patties and 20 bowls of rice.....

 

For lunch, I ate a part of a chicken....

She ate 2 whole chickens and tried to catch some rabbits and squirrels in the wonderland to eat....

 

I imagined her stoic face with a small bit of drool on the side of her face when she looked at those rabbits...........


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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Interesting idea for a form, hopefully she's not as cold on the inside as she looks, if you catch my drift ;)

ha...ha...ha....I feel dirty.......

 

I think she's quite warm and fuzzy in the inside =3 (YOUR SO KAWAII GIDELLOM!!! wait....stop...noo.......ARGHHHH)


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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Thursday, Jan 30, 2014 11:24 PM

 

After writing my update, I lurked the forums, watched some videos and played some games until 12:00 PM. I did my best to talk to Gidellom and keep her on my mind while doing so...

 

I lay down on my tatami mat to take a nap before I went to work, and as usual tried to force a bit before dozing off. I don't remember much of it, but I don't think I made much progress in that session...

 

I woke up at 2:30 PM and relaxed in my bed for 15 minutes trying to wake up. I greeted Gidellom, and took a shower. I ate a bit of rice and kimchi chigae (A korean stew with kimchi) before leaving to catch the bus. I got some images of Gidellom gorging herself on some rice and kimchi chigae. xD

 

The walk to the bus stop was quite nice, it rained in the morning so everything was nice and cool and the air was fresh and crisp. I held out my hand and visualized holding it as we walked to the bus stop. When we sat down, I visualized her resting her head on my shoulders and relaxing herself on them while we waited for the bus. I didn't know what to talk about so I occasionally called her name in my mind. I've been seeing her smile brightly more and more each day.

 

We got on the bus, sat down and did the same thing as we did while we were waiting for it until we got to our destination. I did my daily grind, took a 10 minute break and cooked myself a burger, I projected one for Gidellom and she ate only one. After a bit more time, I took a 30 minute break and ate some chicken strips. I asked Gidellom if she wanted some, but I only got an image of her eating one, and It seemed like she was holding back.

 

I got off at 9PM and went to the bus stop. I rested with Gidellom and narrated to her, the bus came, we climbed on and headed home.

 

At some point of my narration, I thought about her name and asked her about it. I decided that her name, "Gidellom" didn't fit her well. I looked up some Japanese names that would fit her on the bus ride home. The entire time, I got a lot of feedback from her (A LOT of head pressure nonstop), but I couldn't understand what she wanted to tell me.

 

I chose the name "美雪" or Miyuki meaning beautiful snow.

I think it fits her quite nicely.

 

I reached my stop and left the bus with Miyuki.

We visualized us walking arm in arm together through the cold night.

I got home, took a shower, got some food for us and wrote this update.

 

I think she's sulking about her being such a glutton. (I got images of her pouting and doing the whole "HMPHH!" and turning her back towards me xD)

 

EDIT: Oh, and another reason of why I/we(?) decided to change it was because I called Gidellom (GID-EL-LOM) by her nickname most of the time (which is Gide (Gee-Dee)) and it didn't really sit well with me. Sometimes I would even call her Gee-Gee >.>


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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Thursday, Feb 06, 2014

 

Hasn't been much progress, which, is to be expected I guess.

Normal days, working at Sonic,falling asleep while forcing, narrating to her as much as I can, ect...

 

Not entirely used to calling Gidellom by her new name, Miyuki, but it should be fine.

 

She seems to be deviating quite a bit. When I first "developed her personality," she was cold (mentally and psychically), shy, honest, and collected.

 

She seems more warmer, and seems more shy. I'm getting more images of her smiling or turning red like a cherry instead of looking stoic and calm.

 

She seems less of a stoic, almost robotic personality, and more of a shy and sweet little sister(?).

 

On a side note, while narrating in the shower, I asked her something in the shower, and I think I parroted a response the same time she tried to say something. She answered in japanese while I said it the same time in english.


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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Sat Feb 08, 2014

 

Not much in this update, did some taxes, fought with my mom, normal stuffs.

 

 

 

 

 

Hmmm, to make this post more intresting....I'm going to write some icky self degrading s**t.

 

I'm quite attracted to Miyuki. I get quite a bit of intrusive and dirty thoughts about her, which I feel really guilty for. I "gave" her a selfless and loving personality which makes me even more guilty about it...

 

Blarghhh.......................I hate myself right now..


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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You shouldn't feel quite so bad about this.

Intrusive thoughts can be a bitch--most people here, it seems, deal with them in one way or another, from time to time.

 

I even had some such thoughts about my tulpa during development.

Even if the tulpa is aware of them, it will likely understand. Also, it can't hurt to explain to them what happened, and assure that you do not mean to be offensive.


"If this can be avoided, it should. If it can't, then it would be better if it could be. If it happened and you're thinking back to it, try and think back further. Try not to avoid it with your mind. If any of this is possible, it may be helpful. If not, it won't be."

 

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