Atchetb

A second tulpa(?) in my wonderland?

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Hello, thanks for looking at this and potentially answering. It's pretty TL;DR material, so I'll summarize it at the bottom. I'm pretty sure somebody hasn't had this sort of "problem" before (or if they have, they solved it by themselves), but I feel that it's something that somebody at some point may face again.

 

My problem is as follows:

I think I may have another tulpa, or at least a fairly convincing servitor, and I don't know how to deal with her and what to do with her.

 

I've been forcing Bianca for about 2 years now, on-and-off (with some of the worst "off" months being stretches of 4-6 months in a row; I feel that this in itself is fairly irresponsible of me and even now question if the "Bianca" I'm forcing is the same as who I originally started with.) and I've recently gone from tentative 'forcing' (short one-sided conversations and general development stuff) to in-depth forcing from inside our wonderland.

 

From the beginning of when we started doing this, I've noticed that there's another person there. She's the same as Bianca, with medium black hair, slightly tanned skin, blueish-green eyes, same height; everything's almost the same. The physical difference she had was that she was dressed in a black sundress as opposed to Bianca's white.

 

The thing is that she had a fully developed personality, which was completely opposite of the direction Bianca was heading. She was aggressive in a "friendly teasing" sort of way, enjoyed sitting in and interrupting some private forcing between Bianca and myself, bugged me if I ever let her get a foothold in my thoughts (Literally, "Hey, hey, hey Atchet. You remember annoying orange? Now you do."), and even went so far as to modify objects I've forced into our wonderland (I forced a jar of cookies for Bianca to snack on if she wanted, but only put three cookies in the jar. The next thing I knew, the other 'tulpa' came along and touched the jar. After that, for about a week, all I could get out of my forcing sessions with Bianca was her eating cookies out of the jar non-stop, and, lo and behold, the other 'tulpa' was pretty smug about it.) She was, keyword, WAS, a pretty major figure in our wonderland for quite a while.

 

I took to calling her "Servitor", because she really only did anything if I let her catch my attention for a while and I began to expect she'd do SOMETHING. Looking back on it, this was probably the most insensitive thing I've ever done to anybody, tulpa, human, or other, and, with Bianca now starting to send out emotional responses and the occasional string of words, I'm now realizing just how 'real' "Servitor" was. I now think that "Servitor" was actually just waiting for me to acknowledge her because she knew that I was trying my best to get Bianca and myself in sync. She played along with whatever I was trying to do, and I realize now that she had an enormous impact on the progress Bianca and I have made. Without her, I think that Bianca would still be staring at me blankly.

 

Now, I think the problem was caused by my long "off" months. Somewhere along the line, "Bianca" ceased to exist in the form I'm familiar with forcing, and deviated so much that she became who I know as "Servitor." I think that, despite thinking that she wasn't developing, she was paying attention to everything I was perceiving and developed off of that, even tapping into my memories and stealing personality traits from imaginary friends I've had in the past to better reintroduce herself (my past imaginary friends were outgoing and liked to tease).

 

I know that I'm pretty dense when it comes to sentience and have doubting issues, because Bianca made first contact with me a LONG time before I thought she did; it was in the form of the most ridiculously powerful emotional impulse one could ever feel in their life- the kind that made you double over and clutch your chest. If I had to describe it, it was like falling in love; just so much affection and care that it got hard to breathe. If I missed something so obvious like that, I'm pretty sure that I missed something subtle about "Servitor." It's a strong case that I didn't realize that "Servitor" wasn't sentient when I started forcing her, and I accidentally developed a whole new tulpa (by "resuming" creation from the baby steps).

 

She must have been there for quite a while (in the form of chatter and the like that I heard extensively during the early forcing of the "new" Bianca), and knew that I'd need some help getting her off of her feet. Maybe I'm overthinking things, but I think "Servitor" fully intended to help Bianca get on her feet and then fizzle out of existence; it was a personality trait (selfless) that I originally suggested to her when I barely began the process.

 

As I write this, I'm getting emotional warning bells. I think she knows that I might POSSIBLY be catching on, and is encouraging me to just believe that I'm just overthinking things; to let her fade away. The hard part is that I'm getting two emotional impulses here: sadness and empathy (from Bianca's part, I think), and alarm (from "Servitor") and have no idea what to make of them.

 

I feel like I have to decide between letting "Servitor" (who now sits with a melancholy air about her under a tree when I'm in our wonderland (I noticed, but I don't think she knew up until I wrote this)) fade away and die, or develop her alongside Bianca.

 

So you know, I have tried talking to her before, but it seems her drive is gone. She's becoming fuzzy because I disregarded her (you know, because I thought she was just some annoying servitor-thing), even though before she was the clearest thing in our wonderland. I can't get anything but an emotional response out of her now, and it's like she's facing depression or something of the sort. She also seems opposed to me forcing her as well.

 

I want to respect her wishes, but I don't feel that it's right if I let her disappear now that her 'job' is 'done'. She seemed to be happy to bother us to spur development, but I think that she's not getting the respect and thanks she deserves for it if she just disappears. I worry that if I force her to stay and continue to develop it'll just drive her deeper down her pit of depression for reasons that I couldn't possibly understand.

 

It seems that she's pretty down. I think it's my responsibility to do something to thank her, or something along those lines, for what she's done; even after I left her alone for so long, she still wanted to help me out. Accept that I've hurt her and try to reconcile with her, that sort of thing. I've done something pretty cruel, and now she's pretty shaken up and is slowly starting to disappear. It's frustrating to know that she doesn't want to stay, but that she's probably never really been happy to be alive.

 

I'm asking here because this is a matter I'm not used to. If I choose to let her die, I'm fairly sure that it'll be a blow to my relationship with Bianca (because I let what I think is her precursor die just because I didn't intend for her to exist; instilling a feeling of being disposable, almost). On the other hand, if I force her to live, she might do something rash or simply cease to respond. Heck, I think she might even sabotage forcing sessions just so I'd be more inclined to let her die.

 

I get that it sounds like some cheesy two-bit drama, but I'd really appreciate it if somebody could give me at least a little bit of input. I'm inclined to do my best to keep "Servitor" (who I have yet to name due to impending fear of her disappearance), but I don't have any knowledge about tulpas being forced to exist, even after they themselves have chosen that they wish to disappear.

 

TL;DR: Do I choose to off what I think is another tulpa because she doesn't seem to want to stay anymore (her 'job' is 'done'), or do I risk making her sadness worse by almost forcing her against her will to stick around because I feel this misguided sense of responsibility for her?

 

Thanks.

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I think that you should accept "Servitor" as an actual companion.

Screw her "wishes," don't you think it's better to have her live even if she (YOU) think disappearing is better?

You can say that she wants to die, but no living thing actually WANTs to die, no matter what they think.

 

Personally, I'm quite suicidal myself, but I DO want to live.

 

I'm sorry, I don't really know how to word any of this..

 

 

 

EDIT: Even if there is even the SLIGHTEST chance of a happy ending, don't you think it's worth it to try instead of giving up like a little bitch?


My Tulpa: Miyuki (Gidellom)

Not much progress, I'm in no rush though, we got all the time in the world.

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If she doesn't wanna be around, merge her with yourself. Solves the problem and it's more "humane".

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You should allow "servitor" to become a 2nd tulpa. Let it chose it's own name, and treat it as a separate Tulpa, instead of being an unexpected side effects, or just another Bianca. Maybe she is sad because she believes that she is nothing more than a helper or a tool, or that she thinks that she is a failed version of Bianca. If you start treating her as separate individual, then she will become one.


Chalin System

@Chalin#4599

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Not everyone can handle more than one tulpa though. Splitting the attention can be hard and one might get more attention than the other and then it's a big unhealthy shit fest for all 3 parties involved.

 

If you don't want to dissolve this potential mind-mate, you could also put them on ice in a stasis of sorts until you're ready for a second tupper. They wouldn't go anywhere so no one will feel bad, they won't be bothering you so you don't have to deal with them unless you want to or you're ready too. Problem solved.

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{This is Burnishe here (Gabriel is proxying for me). I think that we shouldn't discourage him from doing so, since it appears that this is already a second tulpa, who just needs some recognition}

 

I'd like to add onto that, and say that even if it isn't sentient yet, it should be developed to the point of sentience.

 

{Well then, it appears that the abortion controversy has reached the tulpamancers}


Chalin System

@Chalin#4599

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I know, but her point was that this is touching upon the question of whether or not it is moral to dissipate a servitor when it could already be sentient.


Chalin System

@Chalin#4599

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So I've thought over it a little bit, and I have to admit that this entire situation is probably something of my own doing. As I said, I thought that "Servitor" was a nuisance before, and she also played along with what I was expecting (with a fair degree of deviation). What I think might be happening is that, with conflicting opinions on her, she's gone and went ahead with one of them; the one I had of her being just some annoying servitor that I wanted gone. To me, it begs the question of whether or not she's actually just following what I expect in ways I don't expect.

 

I'm going to try forcing her for a while, and encourage her to pick a name for herself while having no prior expectations or desires (which would be me testing whether or not she's sentient, and also if she'll respond). I hope that works.

 

Also, I can't just put "Servitor" into stasis, as Ashmo suggested. That's what I thought happened during my 'off' months, and I'm here now, trying to figure out whether or not "Servitor" is some sort of self-developed tulpa that followed the very, very lax guidelines I had in place. I'd like it if that idea worked so that I could one day speak with "Servitor" with Bianca being able to voice her opinion as well, but right now I'm just hoping that it doesn't turn into a 'shitfest'.

 

Thanks for the input, and no, I am NOT going to give up like a 'little bitch'. It might be confusing now, but I think this could end up being a very important part of my perception about EVERYTHING to do with tulpas and how I treat them.

 

I'll post developments if they come.

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