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Of Lavenders, Lilacs, and Wheat.


Atchetb

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Okay, so I didn't expect to be called out for my flaws like THAT in Bianca's post. It was... humbling, to say the least.

 

I understand that these flaws, no matter how much I could hide them, are still present and noticeable. Not quite to the point that people would call me out for them, but still pretty bad. The fact that Bianca felt the need to call me out for those is a big warning flag that I should be paying heed to.

 

So what have I gathered from this?

 

Not much. Bianca is just about the same; that, or she's hiding any changes from me at the moment. For some weird reason, I'm inclined to believe that it's the former. She seems a little too privy of everything after that; from the little details like what I'm thinking of, to the big things that she does, like talking without any prior warning.

 

Working on my flaws as they stand isn't really an option. It would take far more effort than I'd deem worth it to make it work. Yeah. These flaws of mine are here to stay.

 

In other news, I've figured that it's time to really start cracking on uplifting Taenen. The whole 'talk and talk and talk' routine is going to be starting for her, and I'm interested to see how fast she gets going once she gets the full developmental attention that she needs. Maybe it'll go faster for her since she has two well-developed tulpae to help her out? I don't know.

 

That's pretty much it for now. A shorter one, compared to the last few posts. I'm hoping that I have good news for you guys next time.

 

P.S. I hope I don't sound too bad by just brushing off Bianca's criticisms. It's just that there are other things that I can be focusing on.


Now that I think about it, I think now's actually a good time to go full stats-mode on my tulpae; what with Taenen beginning to come around (it's a good reference point for later on.). Not too much detail is coming out here.

 

Listed in chronological order:

 

-0-

 

Rhea:

Age: 20

Height: As of recently, about 5'11".

Eyes: Blueish-green

Hair: Long, black. Reaches to an inch or two beneath her shoulders. Messy.

Appearance: Human. Slender, but at the same time toned. Has a beauty mark under her left eye (most noticeable deviation). Cup size (based on my untrained eye): B?. Typically wears a black dress shirt with red flanks(sides?), has a black regal cape lined with white fur. Wears a somewhat puffy pair of pants (something between cargo and jeans), black. Typically has a Cheshire grin on her face (not the spooky and/or murderous one)

Personality: Outgoing, spunky, tends to speak in slang and curse a lot. Enjoys being around people. Typical tsundere traits that have recently shifted to perma-dere mode. Not afraid to run with unpopular choices if need be.

Autobiography (concise): {I was born a long time before the thought of the new Bianca came into being; I am the original Bianca. I developed under wraps, as Atchet couldn't feel me, and I soon began to work with him and the new Bianca to develop her further. I was essentially a servitor at the time. Skip ahead for a few months, and now here I am. At the moment, I enjoy all the cheesy stuff; like long walks on the beach and starlit suppers.}

 

-0-

 

Bianca:

Age: 20

Height: As of recently, about 6'.

Eyes: Blueish-green

Hair: Long, black. Reaches the small of her back, but is usually tied together in a simple way.

Appearance: Human. Very feminine, conservative body shape that's toned by work. Has a beauty mark under her right eye. Cup size: B (but a little larger than Rhea's?). Typically wears a white dress shirt with blue flanks and accents, has a white regal cape with brownish-beige fur. Wears somewhat puffy cargo pants/jeans... thing, beige.

Personality: Nurturing, patient, and kind. Always works for the good of others, though never to the point she gives up her own good past a certain margin. Tends to joke about things that shouldn't be joked about (like death and violent, scarring crimes (rape, murder)) amongst very light-hearted, innocent jokes.

Autobiography (concise): [i am the result of Rhea's development; a split between her and I was inevitable as Atchet went through our paces at least twice. I grew up slowly, but Rhea helped me develop into what I am now. I feel that I'm stronger than Rhea, emotionally, and I aim to keep her strong as well now.]

 

-0-

 

Taenen:

Age: 16-17ish

Height: Seems to stand around 5'2"

Eyes: Green

Hair: Orange, with white tufts in it (not really noticeable). Messy (comes mostly in a vast amount of tufts) and reaches to her shoulders. No fur, hair color is consistent with tail color.

Appearance: Fox girl, though she only has the perky ears and a bushy tail of one. No snout, paws, etc. Petite body shape, very weak-looking build. Usually flushed a little pink. Usually wears a cloak over a brown shirt and cotton trousers. Not much else ATM.

Personality: Very shy and soft-spoken (if she speaks). Enjoys cuddling and the like, and smiles a lot. Very trusting, to the point of being gullible. Has a fondness for paternal figures.

Biography: Probably born out of the character roster of mine, Taenen is a fledgling concept that's being uplifted to tulpa status. She's... on her way. Talks a little as of this post.

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Sup everyone, coming in with some good-ish news. I guess good really depends on how you view all of this.

 

Basically, Taenen's begun to speak normally and has become much more outgoing. More on that later. I'm more into talking about the 'process' of how we did it.

 

Unlike Rhea and Bianca, who took quite a bit to get started, Taenen was a breeze to get conversation going. For her, there was this weird sort of duality to her. She was represented both in a physical form, that was easy to visualize but didn't speak much, and then she had a vocal form, which was as I know her now, but her form was pretty much stuck on floaty golden light mode.

 

The answer came anticlimactically quick. It was almost too simple: symbolism. We figured that one image of her represented my right brain's rendering of her, while the other was the left brain's image of her. Not sure which was which; I'm pretty sure that the vocal one was the right brain's image of her though. All it really took to get them to mix together was dragging them together until they didn't come apart. Seriously, it was that easy, and now she's talkative and smiley and very much so active.

 

As for her changes, Taenen is almost your typical peppy teenage girl; minus the whole social bit and the part where she's as shallow as them too. I don't actually quite know how teenage girls work, so I'm just taking a guess. She's fast to interrupt and start talking, has a fairly high voice (which fits her size), and has a bit of spunk to her; she seems like the type to be gung-ho about just about everything (reasonable). The optimist of the group.

 

Right now, she tends to chatter my ear off when she converses with me. Mostly stuff about the atrocious weather (A snowstorm in April! Come on!) and stuff like that. She's peeked into my memories of going to Mexico, and as such, she really, really, really wants to go to Mexico to get away from this weather. I don't blame her either. This weather blows, hard.

 

Anyways, that's all for now. More later (from me). Here's a little something that Taenen is going to need me to write down.

 

^Hello everyone, it's nice to meetcha!^

 

^Okay, I had to laugh there. You didn't see it, but the whole over-the-top way I just said that made Atchet cringe a little. He's not so good with the hyper happy stuff. Not really hyper, but I guess I DO seem like I bounce off the walls.^

 

^It's good to meet all of you, and I hope you all have good days after reading this! Let's get along!^

 

^Oh, and just as a final thing, I just want to wonder aloud who reads this thing regularly. The amount of views this tiny little blog thing gets is neat, but I don't get it. Is there something about some lonely guy interacting with three 'imaginary' girls that people find appealing? I don't know.^

 

^Is it bad to call us imaginary? I don't see the problem. I heard Rhea complain about it, but eh, what does her opinion matter? I mean, she's the one that came first. She should be happy she's hear anyways!^

 

^So that's it for now. Atchet sorta yelled at me for being disrespectful. Something about learning to respect my elders.^

 

^Anyways, nice meeting you, again! Good night!^

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Alright, so everything's settled into a normal routine now. Just the same old as always, except a measurable degree louder and much more hyper. Thanks Taenen.

 

We've talked it over, and all of us have determined that, as it stands, any of the people on my character roster have the capacity to rapidly transition from a servitor status to a tulpa status. According to Taenen, this is because I've spent so much time with each of them (at some point) that my brain's already used to automating them, and giving them that one little extra boost by acknowledging them as sentient, they quickly shift gears and become a tulpa. Remember, this is according to Taenen, so I'm inclined to believe what she's saying.

 

As Taenen put it, "...the 'images' of your characters are stored in a visual and sound form, the two 'halves' that you saw when forcing me. These two forms are called up when you use a character on the roster as an element in one of your daydreams, and then they're used in conjunction by your brain to simulate a character. Your brain is just so used to calling up these parts and using them that, by 'fusing' them (they're kept separate because they take two different parts of your brain to process, so it's faster to keep them tucked away dedicated to either side), you tell your brain to automate the images and voila, you got a tulpa! Or, at least, a servitor that likes to talk."

 

Basically, she's saying that:

1. The characters in my head have two halves for the sake of faster retrieval

2. They work by putting them on top of each other to provide a convincing image of a person

3. Fusing them together gives the spark for higher sentience, and tells my brain to stop putting them away and let them automate themselves.

4. I have way too much free time (because I'm already used to calling up the different parts of a detailed servitor whenever I want)

 

An interesting thought occurred to me just as I posted, and I wondered what would happen if I forced the two images of a character separately. Would they fuse together, or would I get two different people with the same face? It was an interesting idea, but I'm not keen on trying it anytime soon.

 

That's about it for now. Just some interesting theories (or fact?) regarding why Taenen pretty much just got up and started talking.

 

Until next time, it's been the goldfish and his lovely tulpae.

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So I'm looking at the other progress report titles and realized mine wasn't bold. Then I tried making it bold. Then that didn't work.

 

As a result, dat inflated view count though.

 

Oops.

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Alright. It's been a short while, and I have a good reason to be feeling very, very awkward right now. Then there's the little foreboding feeling that I've been getting for a while now, and it's been telling me that I'm not entirely in control of my mind as I thought. Why is it that things always have to be going wrong or really right anyways? It makes me think I'm doing something wrong.

 

So, first would be what's making me feel very, very awkward. I'm not going into that much detail, because I'm pretty sure that there are already a few progress reports that detail having some, uh, sexual relations with tulpae in detail. Rich, sweaty detail. Also, I'm putting this in because I have a stunted sense of shame, but still want to honor their wishes.

 

In a few words, I, uh... crossed the line with Taenen. It started while I was bathing and used that time to talk to everyone aloud (gotta get used to hearing your voice against theirs, I think). Then Taenen joined in in a wonderland equivalent of the bathroom, we started chatting a bit, things happened, and there you have it. Something I'm feeling awkward about.

 

Bianca reacted negatively, in a nutshell. She was quick to remind me that Taenen was younger, even as a tulpa, and was awfully impressionable, as in if she's associated with sexual things, that's what she'd become more like. She's a little standoffish now, but she's not cold.

 

Rhea, on the other hand, was a little offended that I didn't go to her first. If you may remember, it's become a little mutual agreement of ours to be in a pseudo-romantic relationship. Yeah.

 

Taenen... unchanged. She's the same as ever, though now she seems a little more... playful? I guess. There's a weird change in her that's made her much more expressive, sort of like the writing thing that I got Rhea and Bianca to do. She leveled up, that's what I could take away from this and smile about.

 

Moving on, here's the other topic. I feel that I'm not 100% in control of what I'm doing with my tulpae. Not in the sense that they're automated, but I feel that there's a part of me that wants to keep making more, and more, and more tulpae. Recently, it feels like every little character concept that I've been getting has been given that 'spark' of sentience that I thought only came after a TON of hard work.

 

It's not like they're actually tulpae, but they're definitely a step above the cut-and-paste NPCs that I used to populate my daydreams. They're eerie in a sort of painting-eyes-following-you kind of way, and they all feel like they're expecting something from me. Maybe I'm starting to expect EVERYTHING to be sentient now, and I'm like... auto-seeding? Whatever.

 

Anyways, now I'm seeing a lot more interaction between my tulpae and the NPCs in my daydreams. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing, since it feels like the NPCs are starting to expect things out of me. It's pretty bad, and it feels like they're trying to stare holes through me. Taenen reassures me that they're not going to feel bad if I don't help them ascend, because they don't expect me to. That just made me feel a little worse.

 

Maybe it's just me overthinking things and getting ahead of myself. I don't know. It seems that as time goes on I start feeling less and less in control of everything. It's like things are really starting to get automated. My brain is working on everything for me, and, like the memetic... thing, I'm not sure if gusta.

 

Anyways, more later, if any of the girls ever agree to talk about what's happened recently... yeah.

 

Peace out from the goldfish and his beautiful tulpae.

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Wow ok missed a bunch of stuff in the time I was away it would seem! Firstly I'd like to point out I most certainly still read this so count me in that Taenen! It's interesting to read as I can relate in some ways to your situation I guess - plus I'm loving getting to know you all- on that rather touchy subject that was the point of your latest update I would say that yes you definitely have to be careful about this stuff- I remember reading a progress report or some such where the host was fantasising about sex with their tulpa, so called them up and said 'hey you wanna make love?' To which was the reply 'didn't we just do that?' So yeah- it would seem the fantasy wasn't quite so private in that case . I think i get what you mean about the making more and more and feeling bad for not doing so, but I suppose that Taenen is quite probably right in her belief that they won't mind I suppose in part because they can't mind yet until you evolve their ability to understand the concept and be self aware.

 

Just try and talk it out while it's still fresh it's just gonna come off as you not caring about it if you don't and it's gonna make it that much worse for Rhea and Bianca in particular (Taenen seems fine with it all from how you described it all) when you do finally discuss it. Just be honest.

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Alright, so still feeling rather awkward about the whole situation, and I'm not really sure if it's gotten better or worse. I know, at the very least though, that I've estranged Bianca to some degree.

 

Right about now, Bianca's not really talking to me. She's almost outright ignoring me, even. From what I could skim off her surface thoughts (sort of like reading a person based on their body language), it's definitely some form of jealousy. Not because of the act, but because putting the thought into that kind of thing is, to her, picking favorites. Believe it or not, 'simulating' fantasies like that sort of take a lot out of you if you're really going for the, uh, 'feeling' of being actually in sync. I'm guessing that putting that much attention into somebody that was just recently introduced is a little unfair to Bianca and Rhea, who have been around for an order of magnitude longer.

 

Rhea, probably because she's very closely tied to Bianca, is feeling some emotional feedback that's bringing her down as well. I can't say for myself, since they've requested I don't pry while they converse for a while, so that's just a guess I'm making.

 

Then there's Taenen.

 

Now a few days after the whole thing, she's down in the dumps too. I've told her over and over that it's not a bad thing that it happened (at least, I hope it wasn't), but she knows that there's some problems going on with my relationship to Bianca and Rhea because of it. She's sort of prostrating herself because she thinks she's the cause.

 

Right now, she's the only one that wants to talk to me more than needed. As a matter of fact, she wants to talk to me A LOT more now because she feels that she needs to know everything that's going on. It must reflect her actual 'age', so to speak, where she's sort of like a child caught between two parents undergoing a rough time in their lives. Granted, I'd rather not use the imagery of Taenen being myself and Bianca's child (as we're her two lead figures, with Rhea, from a 'real-family' standpoint being her... cousin?) because that's implying something I'd rather not have implied.

 

...

 

Anyways, more on this as it develops. It's playing out quite like a soap opera, or some other grandly dramatic work. I might not post for a while, because until the situation is resolved, there isn't a whole lot that's going to be going on. There'll hopefully be talks between us, and those will be posted about, but otherwise, I don't expect a lot out of conversations.

 

Until next time.

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Okay, here I thought I'd miraculously have some good news to spout to everyone right off the bat.

 

NOPE!

 

I'm fucked. Completely and utterly fucked. I can't even CONCENTRATE right now. I can't do anything close to forcing since things will always inevitably run away with themselves. Take that whole focus-on-a-dot meditation thing that is on here somewhere, and I can do it. No problem... Okay, there is a problem.

 

My problem is that, while, yes, the dot IS the center point of my thoughts, things just... GROW on it. I'll have a normal dot for the whole of two seconds, and then things get trippy.

 

Think zerg. It's like roan red creep just starts growing all over the thing, and it's not a nice, even layer. It's like... whipped cream? What word describes what creep looks like? Anyways, I can still TELL the dot is the center of my attention... it's just a giant sphere covered in zerg babby food.

 

Now just imagine what it's like trying to force while this is going on. I already had that problem to some extent, but before I could swat it away, lickity-split. Now, it stays with a goddamn vengeance. I can try to force with Taenen, or attempt to have a stilted conversation with Bianca, but my thoughts would always be washed away and warped by a constant barrage of creeps running across my vision, my mental images suddenly becoming sword fighters (thanks Blade Symphony), and other things like that. I can TELL that I'm trying to force, and I can vaguely make out whoever I'm talking to behind the screen of assorted bullshit, but it's completely impossible to stay focused. I only realize I'm thinking about riposting and how many hatcheries to make twenty minutes after my train of thought derails.

 

So yeah. I'm in the shitter right now. I have brief, comforting thoughts with Taenen, and have talked to Bianca a little bit (Rhea is nowhere to be seen in this chaos, for some reason), and that's all. The rest... ugh.

 

More later, I need to get my act together. Maybe actually meditate.

 

Peace.

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And it just gets worse.

 

Recently I've been unreasonably tired. I just... can't. I slept for 11 HOURS and still felt the need to get another 8 just 2 hours later. It's not helping at all, let me tell you.

 

On the plus side, I got some meditation in, and just ten minutes was enough to help clear my thoughts for a fair amount of time. Good stuff, just... not as useful when you're asleep.

 

Anyways, more later, as usual.

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So it hasn't gotten better yet. I daresay it's gotten worse.

 

Taenen and Bianca, without any negotiation (from what I've seen) are now almost always at arm's length. They just won't interact like they used to. They've drifted apart a tiny bit, and that's all I've been able to see. Literally, this is all I've really been able to skim recently.

 

It's like I've lost the drive to force, or the attention to them I used to have, all at once. I haven't been forcing recently, and very, very rarely do I tell them good night or greet them good morning. There's a palpable rift of... bad energy, or something, that sits between myself and the three of them now. It's by no means pleasant, and it feels like I've been cut off from an integral part of my life now.

 

I think we're all starting to slip. I don't feel the impulses I used to anymore. They're not connecting as well as they used to. It's as if that one act of intimacy is tearing us asunder and it's worrying me to no end. There's a faint semblance of what used to be vibrant life between us four. Now, the best I can get is a sad, almost-like-she's-comforting-me kind of smile from Rhea.

 

My attention span is slipping recently. The habits that I've formed are unwinding faster than I can try to catch them, and in time, if I don't get myself back on track, I'm going to lose them to the rifts in my memory. It's just so hard to reconnect after knowing the highs of being connected. Compare it to getting so far in a game that you're like a walking God. Now think about being booted right back to the beginning abruptly. I'd say you'd lose much of the drive you used to have. That's what I'm feeling right now.

 

I think I've also been suffering from some mild case of depression recently, which is derailing me whenever I try to make some serious effort to help myself. I'm being robbed of my energy and will to get things back on track. If this was a dramatic scene in a movie or something, I'd be reaching 'the point of no return' soon. Quite honestly, I'm ready to accept the fact that I'm losing it, that I'm failing because I don't have the energy to disagree now.

 

I'm going to say it now.

 

There is a very, very high chance that I'm going to burnout very soon, and for a long time-if not indefinitely.

 

While this may or may not be my last post, know that I may feel the need to detail that final descent. Who knows; maybe it's rekindle that old spark again. For now though, it's hard to be optimistic. The first one that I'm feeling going is Bianca. There's no presence behind her anymore. She's almost transparent.

 

Do you know the feeling of being just... hollow, inside? Like there's something missing. Since that's what if feels like right now. Bianca feels like she's just... gone. As if a door's been closed. Attempts at reaching her have a superficial exchange where we're both pretending to be okay, but I can tell that it's pretty much on-rails. It's like watching a video. The same is starting to show on Rhea and Taenen.

 

The pacing of all this is pretty bad, I'm pretty sure, but whatever. It's hard to convey all that's going on on my end through the keyboard.

 

...

 

Just as a final gut punch, as I was writing out the last bit of this post, Bianca spoke up. It was quiet, and in the back of my head, but I could feel every ounce of sadness she was feeling.

 

[i'm sorry...]

 

That's what she said to me. Then she went quiet again.

 

I don't know. It's definitely time to reevaluate some things in my head. Prioritize things. Maybe take a day off to relax. Write out the entirety of my dabblings and posts into an over-dramatic spectacle that it no doubt sounds like. Maybe the bitter humor of it could help.

 

Is it appropriate to leave a message to someone on a message board? That's the vibe I'm getting. One day, years from now, I'll be looking back on these posts. Maybe I'll be surrounded by my tulpae, or maybe I'll be by myself, looking at this in a bittersweet light. I'd definitely chide myself for thinking that, in such a short time, with as much 'success' I've been having, that I'd built a solid foundation; believing that I wouldn't burn out like I am now.

 

If this ends badly, I guess my last post'll just be some melancholy thing that'll be the most absurdly cliche and almost insulting thing that anybody's ever read, and it'll be my last goodbyes.

 

Anyways, I'm off. I need some time to think, and... yeah.

 

Until next time, if there is one. Take care of your tulpae guys.


Is it sad that I mussed things over for about twenty seconds, debated with myself for a few minutes, and then immediately returned to post here? I guess this is what a blog is for... making split-second thoughts, putting them on paper, and then letting your verbal diarrhea out to the world.

 

Anyways, I'm bouncing back and forth between the idea that bugs me the most; that this negativity is really all in my head, some weird way of me being lazy, and this is all really just my fault, and my tulpae are suffering because of it. I remember a while back, in my question about accidentally creating another tulpa, I was told that it was really MY choices that affected things, not my tulpae's choices. It's just worrisome, and it's the key thought that's perpetuating a chain of self doubt.

 

Doubt, doubt, doubt. There's been a lot of that lately. I hate it. Hate in its strongest form. I hate doubt. It's dragging me down. I wish I didn't doubt myself and my tulpae. They're probably looking at me and shaking their heads because I'm becoming a nut just because of something that I, and ONLY I, feel is a problem. Maybe they're over the whole 'got-intimate' thing, and I'm just blowing things out of proportion. Can ANYONE else out there, since I know there are people out there that are like this, relate right now?

 

Do you know how bad doubt can become?

 

When I was younger, I listened to a lot of music with both headphones in. My parents started asking if I was having breathing problems, since I tend to let my breathing become audible if I'm relaxing. Next thing you know, present day, I'm constantly pulling my headphones out or shoving them to the side because I'm so damn worried my breathing is bothering people around me. I can't have faith in anything, even after testing it OVER and OVER and OVER and OVER again.

 

IS THIS EVEN DOUBT? Is it paranoia? What is it? Just a lack of faith? Am I some sort of assurance-atheist? I don't know.

 

So you can see where this worms its way into forcing and everything, right? I get that fear planted in me that things are going wrong, and LO AND BEHOLD, things just look like they're going wrong and getting worse and worse.

 

Okay. This time. This time I stop posting.

 

See you people. Take care of your tulpae, as I said last post. More later, etc. The usual.

 

Goodbye.

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