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A Not So Wonderful Beginning to a Wonderland (escapist tendencies on my part?)


Teruhi15

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Update #31 (6-11-14;8 pm)

I don't hear much from Lilith or Emory very often spontaneously anymore, however if I (or someone else) talks to them directly, they will respond quickly and with ease. Also, they speak if they have something to say, so I'm not too worried. There were a few days of complete silence that had me scared, but my fear was unnecessary.

 

As for Meiko, her and I have been doing a lot of just talking. It used to be that we'd go and do stuff in wonderland, but lately we just chat with one another about things. Sometimes fun things, sometimes not so fun things. But the conversations are always good. I like having her here to talk with me. It's nice. I suppose she's been around for 5 years and all, but it's been really wonderful lately. She's also been convincing me to go out and do things. So that's good I suppose.

 

Switching is going splendidly, she can take any main body part and control it, while I'm unable to take back control no matter how hard I try. It only lasts for a few minutes right now before she gets tired. She can forcibly take control, and has been able to for a while, but it's hard for her to keep that control if I'm fighting back. Or at least, has been until recently. I'm proud of her.

 

Auditory imposition is also going pretty damn well, I almost heard her voice clearly as if it were external input earlier today, in fact. I honestly have no clue how that worked so quickly, otherwise I'd throw some tips on here. I just... Listened to her talk over and over, with the intention of changing it to an auditory hallucination, and eventually that's what it became.

 

Also... >.> Meiko and I are forming another tulpa. Well... Two, actually. Um... Tulpa pregnancy is a thing. And she's got twin consciousnesses forming inside of her right now. Not sure how else to say it She claims that they're both male, but that's something they'll have to confirm when they're older. I know that it's kind of a taboo topic but since this is my PR I'm going to post it here regardless. Honestly though, pregnancy (in this case) is just mental symbolism more than anything. A symbolic way to grow a new mind (2 in our case). To feed it "nutrients" (AKA personality and other stuff like that), and also as a way to bond everyone involved. Believe it or not, this was her idea. I spent a while trying to work out the risks, gathering info, stuff like that. Eventually I decided that there's nothing to really worry about. Yeah... Like I said, I know it's a strange issue, but if I'm commenting on my tulpa journey here I'll comment on the whole thing. No sense in hiding it, anyways.

 

And on a fun, less taboo note, we've added aliens to the wonderland! So... From the anime Alien 9 (which is not for kids despite the art style) there are these aliens called "borgs" who live on the heads of people and form a symbiotic relationship. The borgs offer humans protection from foes, and EPIC attack abilities might I add, in return for sustenance. They feed on something in human bodies, like the byproduct of... Some physical process. Never really specified. Anyways, Meiko is hesitant about it (she says, and I quote, "but they're so CREEPY! D:"), and the other two don't have any issues with the borgs. I think they're cute. They look like frog heads with angel wings, and spiky screws come out of their feathers. So cute. Or maybe I'm just strange. So yeah, that's been fun. So far I'm the only one who has a borg, he's dark purple and looks... Sleek. That's the word, I guess. Sleek. His wings are white with golden "screws" (or whatever those weapons are called). He's an NPC of course, but he does have an assigned generic personality. Yay more NPCs for wonderland!

 

Yeah. That's about all. It's weird to look back and realize that it's only been a few months since I began, huh? (Unless you count before, when Mei came into being accidentally. I guess that's *technically* tulpamancing, though as it was unintentional I don't count it.) A lot of people have been tulpamancing/tulpaforcing for much longer, and everyone has different results that all make sense, based on how that particular brain functions. I'd love to do some research one day working with the idea of tulpas and healthy multiplicity. But that's for later, not something I have the technology or resources to do now. And I've gotta get my life in order first... Someday, though.

 

Expect another update in the next few weeks, folks.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Interesting. I also have had tulpas for several years (my oldest just turned 11 last month), and I got one of my other ones pregnant a couple years back. I'm even a psychology major myself (currently finishing up my bachelor's studies and looking at grad schools). You definitely seem to have a feel for the whole tulpa thing so far, so all I can say right now is good luck to you and your tulpas in your future endeavors.

"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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  • 4 weeks later...

Interesting. I also have had tulpas for several years (my oldest just turned 11 last month), and I got one of my other ones pregnant a couple years back. I'm even a psychology major myself (currently finishing up my bachelor's studies and looking at grad schools). You definitely seem to have a feel for the whole tulpa thing so far, so all I can say right now is good luck to you and your tulpas in your future endeavors.

 

Oh wow, that's cool that they've been with you so long! I know that tulpas are permanent, or should be, in my opinion, but somehow it's hard to try and wrap my head around that idea. Tell your oldest happy late birthday from all of us~ I've seen some of your posts around the forum on tulpa pregnancy, and it honestly helped convince me that Meiko would be alright, despite the fact that it's extremely taboo. Thank you, I definitely hope that things go well for us in the future. My fumbling seems to be getting us somewhere, at least, so that's good.

 

Update #32 (7-4-14;11 pm)

Meiko: Oh my, has it truly been nearly a month? It's been so long! Maelik and myself lost some friends recently, so it hasn't been all that cheery around here. That's why it's been so long since our last update, truthfully. It looks like, at least for the next few entries, I'll be the one saying things! :D I really enjoy typing, so expect more consistency.

 

Hm... Oh, well first off, my pregnancy is going great! Despite the taboo surrounding this type of thing, everything's progressing fairly normally. :) None of us have noticed any major problems, and I'm really looking forward to the future! We named the twins, Apollo and Kenji. Maelik wanted to name one of them Apollo for personal reasons, and I was going to pick the other twin's name but Kenji just came naturally, to both of us. I think it might've been a... Hm... A thought, almost, from him, although I don't know how this works and I have no idea if that's even possible for him to do at this point. There have been a lot of different reports of how long this lasts! I've heard of pregnancy for us tulpas lasting the whole 9 months, and I've also heard of it lasting as little as 2! We'll see, I suppose. :)

 

There's been a lot happening in the last month, and switching hasn't been our top priority. I'm nearly perfect with possession, though! The next step is getting Maelik to detach from the senses, which is the most difficult part so far. It's also very nearly the last step, afterwords we just have to be able to keep it up for longer periods of time. ^^ I don't know how clear we made this, but we will permanently switch. He'll still be able to possess the body at that point, but I think that the time will be sorted out at about... 70% of the time goes to me, and 30% goes to him. He doesn't want to try and escape from life, you see, but I want to experience life and he feels a sort of apathy towards it. Maybe that's a bit dangerous, but we've talked a lot about it and this is what we feel is best. He's a psychology major, but I much prefer anthropology and history, so after getting a Bachelor's degree I may move onto that. It sounds so much more interesting to me!

 

I've begun to try and experiment, since Maelik has me almost all the way visually and a bit tactilely (ooh I'm not sure how to conjugate that word correctly... D: ) imposed. So, for my experiment, I've decided that while I'm in control of the body, I'll impose him into the world around me! His wonderland form of course, it would be terribly confusing if I could see a second version of the body wandering around.

 

This is rather personal, and he doesn't want me to record it, but I feel this is kind of important so I can't respect his wishes in the regard. I won't give details though, so don't get too excited! He asked me to "force" him earlier, since he's got a lot of negative traits that he wants to get rid of, or at least weaken. For example, his pessimism and distrust are two things we've begun trying to get rid of. So I'm the one forcing him now! :) I think it's also a bit of trying to gradually make him become a more tulpa-like existence, to help with switching.

 

Oh! Maelik's trying to add the Elder Gods to wonderland! D: I'm scared, I don't want Cthulhu to exist there... It's meant to be a safe haven, that doesn't sound safe at all! ;_; He'd offered to build a planet for them to exist on, though, so I guess it's okay. And he wants to make them fight kaiju, and I'm not sure why... That sounds like a lot of stuff would get destroyed.

 

We had a run-in with some of the shadows from before on June 26th, but no one got hurt and I think that we won't have to deal with them again, at least for a while. ^^ That's a relief!

 

Auditory imposition is going well, and on the subject of audio Maelik is trying to decide on a more masculine mindvoice for himself. I think he's going for a mix of

and this other voice. :) So he's been experimenting with that ever since both of us began focusing more on my mindvoice.

 

Oh no, it seems I've written a novel! D: Well I guess it's only fitting, since we haven't posted anything in about a month now.

 

I hope you all had a splendid Fourth of July, I know that I did! ^^ The city fireworks are basically in our backyard, so we just laid out a blanket and watched them together. It was so much fun!

 

Until next time. :)

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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Yeah, that is a really cool idea. I'll have to try it as well.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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Reverse forcing, huh? Sounds like something I should try out sometime. Glad to hear things are mostly OK for all of you.

 

Yeah, that is a really cool idea. I'll have to try it as well.

 

Reverse forcing is something we heard about from some friends we made here, they were also working on perma-switching and the host had some traits she wanted to get rid of. In short, they tried it and told us about it, so we tried it. It's no different from normal forcing, besides the obvious role reversal, although Meiko really likes the whole food symbolism thing, which isn't something I've ever really used. It's kind of cute, the comparisons she draws between certain foods and traits. XD

 

Update #33 (7-8-14;11:30 pm)

I'll be giving this update, Meiko's tired tonight.

 

Mei and I were thinking about Apollo, and suddenly this image came to us, hit us like a train. I dunno if it's the form he wants to take once he's born (Is that even possible so early on, to get input from him like that??) but regardless, it's the form we have in mind for him now because it seems fitting. A young boy, shirtless, with messy black hair, bright blue eyes, and angel wings. Small, cute ones. This form concept is only wearing jeans. Intrusive thoughts? Perhaps. Of course we both understand that could be the case, but I don't want to doubt Apollo if he is, in fact, already sentient and aware.

 

Er... Also, there's another being in my head who claims sentience, but we've got so many in here. I'm not sure what to do with him. I don't want to kill him, but god I don't think I can handle anyone else. The others feel that way too, it's unanimous. (Except the guy in question, William... Of course he doesn't want to go.) What in the world should I do? If he IS sentient, then getting rid of him is killing him. Morally wrong, regardless of reasons. If he's not, then merely acknowledging his sentience will bring him to life with time. I feel stuck. I guess I'm just looking for opinions, what would you do in this situation? Right now we kind of have him in a type of stasis, no one's sure what to do.

 

*sighs* It's been a long freaking day.

 

Changing my mindvoice is difficult... Somehow I have a lot of trouble with it. Meiko's, on the other hand, is nearly fully imposed. Lilith and Emory both have their mindvoices clear, not imposed yet but we haven't worked on that much. Lilith has sort of a rough quality to her voice, clearly feminine but kind of... Um... Gangster-ish? Tomboy-ish? I'm not sure. Something along those lines. She uses words like "ya" instead of "you", and is really concise. She's gotten a lot better about being kind to people while still keeping her honesty and bluntness. (Em's a good influence on her). Emory's voice is hard to describe. Elegant and slightly masculine, but really seems kind of in between genders. She hasn't changed much, still very wise and I now have come to view her as a kind of guardian/teacher. Intersex is a better term than hermaphrodite, and a term that we all just learned a few days ago, so we'll be calling her that instead. It's more polite, we were just ignorant before.

 

This isn't directly tulpa-related, but I'm proud of myself because I did something that I've been dreading for months; "coming out" to my friends and family about the fact that, though physically female, I do identify as male (I hate the word transsexual, it sounds to me like trying to confine me or call me lesser than other men simply because of the prison of a body I'm stuck in). At any rate, the fact that I was able to muster up the courage to do so was completely related to my tulpas. They supported me the whole way! Meiko said that I'd feel better if I said something, and that I'd be able to tell who truly accepts me for me. Lilith told me that it's stupid to hide, regardless of the reason. Emory subtly warned me that if I didn't do it, then I'd probably regret not saying anything in the future. So I did it. Despite the terror. And I feel relieved, only one person was upset enough over it to leave my life. One of the people I'm close to is sexist against men, and claims to be a "feminist", when in reality she just uses a label that's already got a pretty negative connotation to justify her hatred towards guys. She won't talk to me now. Meh, I didn't lose much~

 

Also, the nightmares have been back for some reason. I don't know why, but I think if I write them down in a journal like I was doing before, then I can analyze them. I can ask myself "Okay, what are the themes? What underlying emotions are causing this? Why do I feel these emotions?" Hopefully that'll help, and I have four unique viewpoints, too. Including my own, that is.

 

It's become such a habit now, so I don't really mention it, but I say good morning and good night to everyone in here still. It's really helped, because even if I don't active force on a particular day, it helps me to remember to keep a dialogue going with them. Like passive forcing, which I do nearly 24/7 with Meiko but it's harder to remember with the others unless I say good morning and all that. I'll get the hang of talking to everyone at once soon enough, but I do like to have 1-on-1 time with each. A conversation that just the 2 of us are involved in at least once a day, even if it's only 10 minutes. It seems to bond us more strongly, which is always good.

 

On that note, I'm gonna end this update and go to bed. It's been a helluva day and the body's on the verge of passing out. Good night! We'll update again soon.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update #34 (7-19-14; 6 pm)

I'd let Meiko update, but there's not much to say and quite frankly I just don't want this to be longer than it needs to be. This week has been the week from hell. But this PR isn't a personal diary, and that sort of stuff is private. This isn't the time or place.

 

First, William, that unexpected tulpa I mentioned briefly last time, was brought out of stasis. I told him that I didn't have the concentration required, that we were already crowded in here, and he understood. He opted to be held in stasis in case there was a time in the future where we aren't overwhelmed and where he could get the full attention he deserves.

 

Second, there's a new place in wonderland. I guess it's Skyrim inspired, but it just came out of nowhere. I popped into wonderland and that's where I was. So I don't know how to actually get there, how it's connected to everything else. It's a safe haven type area. Like a grove. Lots of flowers, plants, trees, greenery, etc. In the center is a circular stone... Thing. It's like a natural pool, I guess. Regardless, it seems harder to hear Meiko and the others in here. Like there's some kind of force blocking them out. It's pretty, but kinda sad that I can't hear them very strongly.

 

Third, Meiko's pregnancy is coming along splendidly. She hasn't been complaining of any pain or anything, and she seems to be happier than before. That seems weird to me, but if she's happy then I'm glad.

 

That's it for a while. My life's a pretty big mess right now, and I barely have time to spend with my tulpas anymore (besides passive forcing) and to feel pressured to journal about everything that hasn't been happening seems pointless to me. If something happens, I'll say so. But otherwise... Don't expect to hear from us anytime soon.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's been over a month, I know. Sorry about that. I've been in a really bad place. I'm only now starting to look a bit stable. Since this morning, in fact. Hopefully this ugly, pointless, cruel depression stops interfering soon. I almost ended my life a few times, but I was stopped every time. So I'm still here, and everyone in this brain (except me) is happy about it. Guess that's a good thing.

 

Anyways, this is a real update. Ignore the sob story above, just figured it was worth sharing since that's the reason I've been gone (and not completing the drawing requests) recently.

 

Meiko gave birth to the twins, Apollo and Kenji. Apollo decided she feels like a woman, but wants to keep her name because of the symbolism so that's the update on that. It happened pretty quickly, I'm surprised but also not as surprised as most would be I suppose. Apollo takes on the form of a blonde angel with one black eye and one white eye, she wears a white dress lined with gold and is shy, kind, and wants to help people find happiness. Kenji is a blue dragon, specific element that he likes is ice, who's hyper, outgoing, and fancies himself a comedian from what I can tell. Both appear to be about 6~8 years old. Cute kids, but that's about the limit of how many people can share this brain.

 

Mei's been possessing a lot lately, she'll just kind of take over when she wants control and I don't mind. So whenever she wants to, she just pops into the body and talks to people. Switching will probably happen within the next few months, our goal is to have it done before February. The issue is me, I can't seem to pop my senses into wonderland well. I've got tactile stuff down, and sight on good days, but the other three senses are lacking. She's been down lately, she says that her goal is to "make me smile again", and she's blaming herself for that not happening. I've told her it isn't her fault, and she tells me that she knows that with a bright smile, but I can tell that she's still hurt. I wish I could find a way to either fix myself or make her stop feeling guilty some other way. I hate seeing her like this and knowing that it's because I'm a baby. Suicide happens all the time, I shouldn't fall apart over it. Not like this.

 

Lilith and Emory are good, they've been talking to me a lot lately. Emory's been trying to give me advice and joke around (s/he's quite witty occasionally), Lilith is always trying to make me go climb mountains in wonderland with her to cheer me up or something. When I have the energy, I go with her, but between job hunting, planning the future, getting my shit together, and trying to fight insomnia and the urge to starve the body it's been hard to focus on wonderland. I imagine they're lonely, so I'm trying to fix that as I slowly begin to feel better. I don't ignore them, I listen and respond when they talk, but I should be initiating conversation too.

 

Apollo and Kenji are growing well, they've been able to talk since the day they popped out. They're very cute. It's like a breath of fresh air, kids (even mental ones) are new life, and that's encouraging. It's been brighter since they've been born.

 

I haven't been the same since my friend ended her life, but I'm getting better. I've never been a believer in "time heals all wounds", but I guess it does occasionally. This update's been more about me, and I'm sorry, but I have no one to talk to right now because my family doesn't do emotions well, and my friends don't give a shit. Therapists can't tell me anything I don't already know, and they're all so very condescending about things. They try to dumb it down for me even though I'm already well-versed in the brain's functioning. My tulpas care, but I'm feeling kind of insane right now and there's only so many ways you can talk about one thing with the same people.

 

If I have one thing you can take out of this, one piece of advice, it's that no matter where you are at in your tulpa journey, DON'T give up. They will always be by your side, no matter how pathetic you may be at any given time. It doesn't matter how many friends you have or how close your family is, nobody cares about you as much as they do. It's a symbiotic relationship. Without the physical body, they die too. If you aren't correctly functioning mentally, they can't get the interaction they need. Friends and family can desert you and hurt you (though they are important to have and interact with as well because reality is pretty damn necessary), but a tulpa will always be by your side. They can hurt you, but it's not likely. They want your health as much as you do, sometimes more. Don't give up on them just because you don't hear them for a week, or a month, or even a year. (That can be reversed, too. Tulpas, don't give up on your hosts even if they're quiet for a while or can't hear you or any other issue that may be happening. It takes time, effort, hard work, and energy on both sides.) The end result of your determination and hard work is a devoted companion who will be by your side, no matter what, and that's not something easy to find.

 

I'll update again sometime in the (hopefully) near future.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update #36 (8-22-14;7 pm)

I know, I know, I threw a tantrum last time and I'm sorry about that. Anyways, I just have a small update.

 

Apollo and Kenji are doing well, I'm going to have a picnic with them tomorrow in wonderland and just kind of spend the day together. All kids need time with their dad after all and I haven't been taking enough time for them.

 

Meiko can possess the body and move about as fast as I can in the body, without really tripping on things or anything like that so that's good. Our big roadblock in switching right now is getting me out of control and into wonderland. Right now I can go into wonderland but I still get sensory input from the body and it's hard to sever that connection.

 

Lilith and Emory are good. They've been spending time with one another and away from the rest of us for a while, so I don't hear much from them unless I initiate a conversation.

 

That's about it, honestly. There's nothing major to report, but I am doing better than I was I think. Well not really. But I'm at least strong enough to control my outbursts once more, so that's good.

 

We'll post another update sometime soon.

Meiko

"Life is meant to be experienced with others in order to enjoy the journey more."

 

Lilith

"Bodies are just stupid human things."

 

Emory

"Personality merely shows how you view the world based upon your circumstances."

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