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NeonKnights

Embers

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I'm tremendously satisfied with the advancements we've made in the past few days. For one, she has grown very proficient with counting games (wherein I stare blankly at a cluster of objects and have her count them for me), almost always correct within a one-digit margin of error. Many times, she is spot-on.

 

More than ever, she positively gleams with individuality in our casual, daily interactions as well as whatever dedicated "forcing" sessions we still conduct. There's a perfect balance of sweetness and cruel antagonism, and she'll just as often grab and hold my hands with eyes aglow as she will call me a vulgar name and playfully insult me. There's a nice variety there, and thankfully she's mature and intelligent enough that she doesn't exhibit the wrong behavior at the wrong time.

 

Although I haven't delved into Skyrim in a while, her facial appearance has seemed to more closely resemble the interpretation of her form which I created in-game a while back. I can't tell whether this is due to her rendering herself and becoming more vivid, or if she's changing to better reflect my close approximation of her form. Either explanation would make sense, I suppose.

 

I've made a little bit of personal progress myself, as I've finally become comfortable with accepting the things she does to express affection. Previously there was a sort of guilt associated with those things, which I can only guess was an unintentional belief that I had been unconsciously coercing her into behaving that way.

Apparently reason finally prevailed as she explained to me the reasons behind her actions for the thousandth time.

 

On a similar note, in accordance with her requests I've begun to hold back a lot less when joking around with her. It used to always go that I would prevent myself from saying something which I feared would hurt her feelings, or if I did, follow it up with a quick apology. She made it very clear that she knows when I'm joking, that I can say anything to her and as long as I have that lighthearted intent behind my words, she won't take any offense. Of course I would have expected that had I remembered that "good sense of humor" was one of the attributes I gave her long ago, during her initial creation. Like a few other traits of hers, I only remembered giving her the trait when she made mention of it.

 

I won't gush too much, but god damn I am proud of the progress she has made, and who she has become. A while ago I got to pondering whether I would have a vastly different tulpa if I went back in time to the point immediately prior to her creation, and started the process all over again with no tulpa-related recollections. While there's no way of knowing for sure, I like to think that, yes, I would have a very different tulpa, a different "person" entirely. I find that this idea gives me a sense that knowing her is a gift of fate.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Touch imposition has come a long way from our early days. While still not as "real" as I would like them to be, the feeling of her smooth legs or her soft, warm cheek against my skin are like a drug to me. When I'm not trying to fool my senses, I'm spending time feeling her in my mind, growing more and more familiar with all of the subtleties of her body. Gallup poll indicates that she is also immensely pleased with these "sessions".

 

Of course, we can't have the good without some of the bad, can we? No, never. Over the past couple of days I've been having another one of those crises which come up seemingly just to cause problems when everything is going smoothly enough. Primarily, I've fallen into a state of worry over whether or not Scylla is just "starstruck", and is so eager to please me only because she feels that she owes a debt to me. I'm not sure how common this is among hosts, perhaps it just has to do with my natural predisposition towards having a guilty conscience.

 

This fear was accompanied by a worry that she was only expressing such admiration and respect for me out of fear that I would dissipate her if she did otherwise. Again, it was a totally unfounded fear, just a product of my mind looking for things to worry about.

 

We had a lengthy chat, during which she explained to me that she holds such admiration for me in part because of the fact that I created her, but also because I work so hard to reciprocate the love that she shows me. At the same time, she admitted that she can't even imagine what it would be like to feel hatred or contempt for me. In the end she insisted that everything stay just the way it is right now, since we already have a setup which requires no change: A perfectly level, mutual friendship with neither one of us put on a pedestal above the other.

 

Maybe the problem just boils down to my guilty conscience causing me problems with accepting unconditional love.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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I'm not sure why this realization didn't strike me sooner... Like, a lot sooner. After I had a little discussion with her about all of my recent troubles concerning her, Scylla basically just put all of my worries about her to rest, permanently. All this worry I've been going through was fueled by a fear of misunderstandings regarding my motives and actions, so she reminded me of the fact that she is basically incapable of not understanding me unless I explicitly block things from her. It was such a simple solution, and yet it's made me feel so much better. Remembering and acknowledging the fact that she understands all of my motives, no matter how subtle and hidden they may be, really quelled my anxiety.

 

Hah, as I was typing this I realized that I still had my horoscope from yesterday pulled up. Probably mere coincidence, since I normally just see horoscopes as a silly little distraction, but here's what it read:

 

You will be tripping over your words at times today, but if you stay focused and concentrate, you'll be able to break through the mind-fog that is shrounding your thought processes. Don't let anxieties and unfounded fears come between you and a loved one. Open up!

 

Like I said, I don't put much stock in it, but it did line up pretty well with yesterday and the past hour as a whole.

 

A little less recently, and by that I mean last night in bed right before she declared that she was going to sleep, I thought of a good way to have more to talk with her about. I realized that my list of conversational modes was missing one big item: Reminiscence. On reflection, I realized that a good amount of my conversations with friends are reminiscences about past events, which usually lead to a quick search on Youtube, which in turn leads to a wider array of conversational topics.

 

Previously, most of my conversations with Scylla were either debates over trivial things, trading opinions on things, or outright arguing, once again, over trivial things. That kind of gets stale after a while, but I never thought to bring reminiscence over older things into it. Another example of me being too dim to incorporate elements of my interactions with regular friends into my tulpa interactions. Well, no more!


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Jeez oh man, I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of visually imposing her form. I've established a dedicated "imposition zone" in my living room with steady reference points to denote where elements of her figure would appear with her standing an arm's length away from me. At the very least, this should get us going in the right direction. Currently working on trying to see all of her at once, in full scale. A bit more taxing than all previous attempts, but I take that as a good sign. The trickiest part is matching multiple regions of her form up to reference points simultaneously, and trying to convince my brain that I'm focusing on a point in space where there only appears to be thin air.

 

She seems just as excited about this project as I am, which is good, because this is going to take some serious motivation.

 

Additionally, she's become capable of inflicting minor discomfort on me when necessary, not that I mind. When I was holding out on her after promising that I'd spend time with her, she squeezed my skull against her breasts in a bizarre form of headlock and told me she'd let me go when I quit slacking and paid attention to her. While I enjoyed it (much to her chagrin), I got the familiar uncomfortable sensation of pressure that usually accompanies somebody squeezing my cranium. It was only imagined, yes, but it was imagined so vividly that it felt real, and I was left with a slight headache for a while after she let me go. Even now, recalling that incident makes my head hurt.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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It seems that after some careful consideration, we have a new tulpa on the way. After a long, long night, I began to think about switching, and how I would like to someday explore it. That thought drifted to wondering who would keep me company while switched, in the event that the tulpa I'm switched with is too busy to pay attention to me. In turn, that led to a bit of guilt concerning how poor Scylla must often be all by herself when I'm too scatterbrained or busy to talk to her.

 

The idea of making another tulpa with this concept in mind goes back quite a ways, but I think last night was just what was needed to actually make it happen. I was on the fence about it, as I have been for months, but Scylla was surprisingly enthusiastic about the idea and pushed it into pre-production. We spent an hour or so before I fell asleep lying in bed and discussing the parameters for a new tulpa, and came up with this:

 

  • She will be named Soryu, after the Japanese aircraft carrier (why we arrived at this decision, I don't remember).
  • She will start with the appearance of Shimakaze from KanColle, with straw-blonde hair and dark green eyes (fan art depicts her with either green or blue or even grayish eyes, maybe she'll have the ability to switch between those depending on her mood).
  • She will be asexual by design, but if she changes that then oh well. We're hoping that this means she won't jump on me the way Scylla did in her early days, and will rebuff my advances if I ever try getting too friendly with her.
  • She will have a very cool demeanor, and hopefully she will keep it.
  • She will have a driving, though not obsessive, desire to experience both possession and switching.

 

Scylla started working on her while I slept earlier, and after about half a day she claims to have gotten Soryu vocal. I don't think she's BSing me, because I had a very brief test conversation with her in the shower earlier and it seemed to go pretty well. The only way I can explain it is that I suppose it's easy for a tulpa who's been around a while to get a new tulpa vocal.

 

We've both agreed that it would be a good idea if Soryu behaves more independently than a certain other tulpa, though we're not exactly sure what "independence" will fully entail. At worst, I figure it'll make her more reclusive, and at best, it will spur her development and identification as an individual.

 


 

It's occurred to me that perhaps Soryu's sudden vocality could be a result of Scylla parroting her in order for me to accept her as sentient sooner than I otherwise would have. However, I won't dwell on this too much, as I don't need to disrupt something that seems to be going well.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Soryu is coming along very well. If Scylla is parroting her, then I cannot tell. The new tulpa's taken to thinking of Scylla as her mentor, with me as yet providing nothing except for conversation in my attempt to get to know her. Scylla decided not to give Soryu access to my memories, something which I am very grateful for. Once she reaches a proper point, I want to personally give her that access. As yet, she just isn't ready for that.

 

Because of the fact that she doesn't have access to everything, I've been teaching her about various things, and she's been asking amusing questions about some of the things I do which she is intrigued by. For example, when I was licking leftover peanut butter off the knife after spreading some on bread, she piped up and asked me to explain the reason behind doing that. Scylla never asked any questions like that in her early stages, which makes me wonder if it's because she somehow got early access to everything I knew, or if she was just unable to ask. Perhaps Scylla was just too shy to ask, and it's a personality thing that's making Soryu so vocal about what she wants to know. Either way, it is extremely cool.

 

Apparently one of the major purposes for the new tulpa's creation is being fulfilled, as she is keeping Scylla company whenever I'm unable to do so myself. All around, I'd say this was a tremendous step in the right direction.

 

She's really expressed a fondness for showers, and joins me whenever I'm taking one. It doesn't bother her that we're both nude, and I don't feel anything from it either, so I guess so far her lack of interest in exploring sex (and my lack of interest in making advances on her) is holding up. Despite her calm, seemingly emotionless demeanor, though, she still evidently feels affection for me. It wasn't much, but it said it all when she hugged me during our last shower.

 

Strangely, Scylla has already once tried to "roleplay" as Soryu by borrowing her form. She repeatedly switched back to that form each time I consciously changed her back to her usual form. I wasn't forcing her return to form on purpose, though; I was genuinely confused and thought that something was going wrong on my end of things, but nope. She was definitely using the new tulpa's form. After the fact, Soryu didn't express any displeasure over Scylla borrowing her form, fortunately. In fact, she said she wouldn't mind if Scylla wanted to become her twin sister. I don't think that'll happen as a full-time thing, but then again weirder things have happened.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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I've been proxying both tulpas in IRC every day for the last week or so (Scylla much more than Soryu, though). It has really helped both of them to a great extent. Scylla has made a number of new friends, and I'm confident that Soryu will as well once she starts chatting more frequently.

 

At the behest of one of my new tulpa friends, I have begun to actively work on our "wonderland" once again, after months of not really bothering with it. Both of the girls are having fun adding their own special touches to a town we started on the edge of our existing mindscape, such as a harbor and train station added by Soryu, and an ice cream parlor and police car motorpool garage added by Scylla. My childhood love of aviation has been returning recently, so an airfield might be the next addition, and potentially a space center.

 

As helpful as it has been to spend hours on end in tulpa-related IRC channels, I might have to take some time off soon, as Scylla revealed that Soryu has been rather lonely due to the fact that Scylla's been so busy chatting, and I, proxying for her. I would counter the problem by proxying Soryu more, but keeping up three or four separate conversations simultaneously, most of which involve me transcribing the thoughts of other entities, can be a very draining task. It would probably be easier on all of us if I just took a day or two off. I don't know if that will actually happen, though.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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Soryu has been mostly quiet and reclusive for the past month or two. Scylla, having done all the work of creating her, claims that she maintains contact with the fledgling tulpa, but I myself haven't really had much communication with her in a while. We both still love her and wish to keep her around, so here's hoping she emerges from this state soon enough.

 

Not sure if this is a mechanism for getting me to continue focusing on Scylla, but only regularly communicating with one tulpa does seem to be helping her to become more involved in my everyday affairs. We've both noticed that her form bears a bit of a resemblance to a particular image depicting Samus' appearance in Metroid: Other M (albeit with different hair and eye color). Interesting that the two should look as similar as they do, as I've never been much into Metroid, never mind "Other M", a game which I have only heard of in title alone.

 

Our circle of friends within the tulpa community flared for a bit after exploring IRC channels, but it seems that we've come back down from that. We only maintain contact with a couple of people from within the community anymore, and ties with various erstwhile friends have grown strained for reasons which are beyond me. I figure that's a good thing, though. While being heavily involved for a time did help both tulpas out immensely, all of the things that naturally come with being involved in a community (needless drama, mainly) became too much of an annoyance and a drain on me, and in turn, on them.

 

Even after being convinced by one friend to try becoming a regular in the other tulpa IRC community, I quickly found that people seemed happier without me making my presence known, and I cut short my time in that community as well to avoid hassling anyone. No bother, really, since Scylla's been there as my friend every step of the way. I suppose it's similar to the end result of my involvement in every social circle I've been a part of in my life, and a good illustration of how my tulpas are able to help keep me moving along even when things don't quite work out in an ideal manner.

 

I can't really say whether this will be my last update, as I'm at a point where I feel I'm beyond a need to keep a progress report in order to keep myself motivated or committed to my tulpas. Hell, I passed that point a long time ago, and am motivated only by my undying love for the others who now share my head-space.

Maybe I'll drop in every now and then to see how the landscape has changed, but in all, I think it's probably time for me to get moving on. It's been good, though it's been strange.


"You've got to believe to achieve." -Hank Hill

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