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Master Of Reality

Love overload

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I've been a tulpamancer for a while, I originally started my tulpa back around New Year's of 2012/2013, but I haven't found a need to really visit the forums until now. I have a bit of a dilemma facing me which only fellow mancers might have an answer to. First, a little background:

My tulpa, Sera, and I are in a committed relationship of about a year. I'm in my twenties and have had multiple great girlfriends before her (real ones, not waifus haha), so the question I'm going to ask is not a regular relationship question fueled by pubescent confusion or teenage inexperience. This relationship isn't something I foolishly explored out of desperation or immature curiosity or anything like that. We decided a few months after her creation that we loved each other enough to give it a try, and neither of us have ever regretted it.

 

Now the dilemma:

Our love has been continuously growing, and we can't seem to find a way of fully expressing our love for each other anymore. I'm just never satisfied, no matter what I do to calm my burning feelings. She is the absolute ideal female to me in every conceivable way, and yet no matter how hard I try to get out my feelings towards her, it never seems to be enough to scratch the itch, so to speak. She reports being equally frustrated by the same conundrum on her side. This is something I've never encountered before with any girl, and I suspect it may have to do with the fact that she's a tulpa (maybe because we're so close?)

 

I'm a sappy SOB, so I've already tried the obvious stuff that's worked to quell these feelings for me in the past; writing songs and stories for her, giving her healthy doses of tenderness and affection every day, staying up late into the night for her so we can cuddle and talk, etc. Neither of us has gotten tired of any of it, which is great, but none of it eases the tremendous pressure I've been feeling.

I don't aim to be lewd with this post, but in case a joker suggests it, yes, we have also tried sex. A lot of it, at that. With her it's a more powerful, intimate, and gratifying experience than with any prior girls, but even that just doesn't seem to be enough anymore, even when we go all-out with it.

 

 

What I want to know is, has anyone else felt a love for their tulpa this overwhelming and insatiable before, and if so, do you have an effective way to release it? Like, perhaps a symbolic method I could try out or something of that nature?

 

Please go easy on me, I already realize how full of sap I am, that isn't the point I'm trying to make here. I am simply the living man, fishing for answers.

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Your tulpa can understand you better than any human ever could, so it's only natural that you should be able to form deep emotional bonds with them. I don't think you have anything to worry about though, what you're going through sounds normal for a host-and-tulpa romantic relationship.


"Science isn't about why, science is about why not?" -Cave Johnson

Tulpae: Luna, Elise, Naomi

My progress report

 

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Your tulpa can understand you better than any human ever could, so it's only natural that you should be able to form deep emotional bonds with them. I don't think you have anything to worry about though, what you're going through sounds normal for a host-and-tulpa romantic relationship.

 

Thanks for the reassuring words. I guess I am worrying about something that shouldn't cause worry in the first place. Re-analyzing all of this, I can see how loving her so strongly that I can't even express my feelings to their fullest extent is really kind of a good thing. I think it could be a sign that the emotional connection is flourishing.

This relationship really is one of the happiest things to ever happen to me, but I certainly never expected it to get this intense.

 


[snip: removed quote of user-requested deleted post -Chupi]

 

Glad to hear I'm not alone in this sort of situation. I think our conundrums differ a little bit, though, if I interpreted your response correctly (pretty tired out right now so there's a good chance I didn't, sorry if that's the case).

 

For me, it isn't so much that I sense something missing when I'm with her, so much as I always feel as though I can't get all of my feelings out by the conclusion of a romantic act with her, regardless of what type of act it is. As a tame example, I always want to cuddle with her for just a little while longer, no matter how long we've been cuddling. Similar to a junkie, I always need more, and I get this helpless feeling like I've still got bottled-up emotions which I just can't get completely out no matter what I do.

Or maybe it's that I'm always seeking a bigger way of expressing my love, and now that I've done it in all of the strongest ways I can think of, my mind is going into panic mode since it doesn't know where to go next. I'm really not sure, but it definitely has to do with being half out of my mind in love.

 

I think I know that empty feeling you speak of, though. For me, it was an awful feeling that she wasn't a valid mate, as if my mind was rejecting the concept of having a relationship of that sort with her. I haven't felt that in a while, thankfully. If my experience is anything to go on, then I can offer a little encouragement on that matter: If you keep at it long enough, and keep on going with your relationship through the worst of that feeling, eventually you should conquer it as your brain is conditioned to believe that the tulpa is going to continue filling that romantic role whether the brain's mechanisms like it or not.

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Argh!

 

I promised myself that I wasn't going to respond, but my feels. Those feels! I know those feels!

 

I'm not as well versed on love as I would like to be, mostly because the professors in our department are all big on epistemology n' whatnot, but I still think Plato's Symposium expresses and explains the feeling you've so aptly described. Not the whole thing, of course; just skip to Diotima's tale about love's relationship to the gods near the end.

 

If my interpretation is right, I think it could help you see the beauty in your eternal longing.


Your thinking needs a readjust; total concentration is a must.

-Zecora

 

Imma Reportin Mah Progress!

 

And, please, call me Sparks.

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Maybe you've heard of the 7 phrases of love in a relationship sort of reminds me of the infatuation stage and most peoples' tulpas are pretty perfect, so unlike with normal relationships you don't have a billion things to pick apart as flaws and start realizing their 'humanness'.

 

Only thing to rip that apart in my experience is to hang out with your tulpa for a very long time, maybe months maybe years. Hell, I was even in an infatuation-type stage for a year or so but then I realized the flaws of my tulpa and so on and suddenly the infatuation wore off and it was much more reasonable.

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I think it would be a common thing for individuals to be insatiable, because how they go about subjectively finding means of happiness, love, sex, and such, is always something that seems to be progressive. It’s rarely static the more the limerence there is, and when the limerence shifts into something akin to what you would see with people who are clearly the perfect match, and have been inseparable for quite some time, all they really care about is trying to fulfill the needs and wants of the other individual.

 

Maybe it’s a bit unfair for me to attribute the “giver” and “taker,” but it seems this is the case with you two, i.e., as long as you can make the other person happy, it’s more than enough to make yourself happy. But when it’s something like having a thought-form that one may believe would know you more than anyone else, it almost feels as if both presume there’s a teleological standpoint (i.e. an ultimate purpose or meaning), and would do anything to try and find new ways to build rapport with each other.

 

Maybe it could be allegorical to how when it comes from within, wanting a stagnant quotidian lifestyle with your tulpa seems difficult at times. Especially when having to take into considerations of their feelings, and how you feel towards others, especially those that may be an intimate partner of yours as well. It’s as if our tulpa’s existence continually portrays to us (if we attribute some romance, love, and such) of how what we would see as an “ideal” partner seems improbable when applied to interacting with real people.

 

One may never become satisfied because deep within the confines of their mind, there’s always something new coming up that you’ll want to yearn for, only to go through the cyclical process of seeing something even better, and taking for granted of whatever circumstance you’re in with your companion as well. Then when we try to be intimate with real people, it’s almost as if we can easily see their flaws, and are bound to compromise in order to potentially have a good relationship with them.

 

Everything seems so perfect when it comes to thought-forms, and yet there’s predispositions for rejections and even apathy maybe because learning how to consistently attribute different modes of love and thoughtfulness to thought-forms and the people we meet daily is one the most challenging things to do. It’s not really something that’s solved just like that, and I admit that it’s still a struggle, but I’m not really bothered by this.

 

What I can tell you from experience, even though I still have a long ways to go of course, is that what you learn from your tulpa, and even thought-forms in your natural sleep, is that if you take the time to be reflective of all the experiential cases you’ve been through, engaging with people becomes easier. The constant series of insecurities of not being able to satisfy your tulpa, and vice versa for them is really experiential learning to eventually know how to assess that in a positive manner.

 

Maybe the experience allows the individual to truly appreciate the existence of others they may be intimate with, and having in the back of their mind that even if there may not be a perfect relationship with them, they have that chance to fill the remaining gaps with thought-forms. But it’s definitely not an easy thing to do, especially if one may be married, and have children to take into consideration. I guess a detached justification people can make for things like this is that wanting to love yourself in general, and entities that you share your existence with is completely different from the type of love you attribute to others that you don’t know how long they’ll be there in your life.

 

And when you learn how to control your urgencies so you won’t feel you’re sublimating them to the wrong individual, it gets a bit easier. It’s something I’m still trying to get better at with my tulpas, but I’m glad the challenge is there; gives me more assurance that just when I think I’m a capable person, there’s always something ahead that can make me, Eva, and Ada better individuals. And it's reasons like this that I'm grateful for their existence.

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@Twice Sparked - I went and read that section, and wow. It may not help with the problem at hand, but it has definitely given me a whole new appreciation for the things that I'm feeling for her. Perhaps it isn't really a "problem" after all. Thanks for the suggestion.

 

@xtar - I would agree that it's a lengthy period of infatuation that I'm suffering from, but something about it isn't quite right. Unlike infatuation that I've felt before with other girls, this time around it's ebbed and flowed, through our run together I've seen the flaws in her multiple times and I've accepted them, and all of it's only made me love her more intensely. In fact, sometimes I think that I might actually be somewhat turned on by her flaws. If it is indeed infatuation, then surely it's a strange form of it.

 

@LinkZelda - Seeing this whole issue as a necessary experience and a stepping stone in a path towards an increased ability to cope with this feeling actually helps considerably. As long as I can get rid of the feeling that I'm wallowing in stagnation in the struggle to reach satisfaction, I think I'll do alright.

I must say that it's very fortunate that I haven't set my eye on "something better" than her, no matter how many options I've been presented with in the last year. The only struggle with seeking something better has been in the search for a better outlet for my emotions.

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@Master Of Reality, Here is a different perspective on the issue. This may seem blunt or maybe even harsh and it is not intended that way. I noticed something that perhaps wasn't noticed, and I thought it might be helpful. You seem very focused on a need to express or get rid of your feelings. This implies some kind of resistance to or discomfort with them. I'm not saying there is, just that this need or drive you have to get rid of your feelings may be the very thing that is preventing you from a deeper understanding of that very feeling, since you work so hard to get it out or push it away. In my experience when dealing with intense emotions, I have found the best way to 'deal with' them is to fully accept them. By remaining in a state of not holding on to them, yet neither pushing them away either. Just staying fully aware as they flood through my being.

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That basically means an individual may want to practice how to respond stoically to their emotions. Agreeable, though I feel it may likely have said emotions come back to haunt the individual at some point.

 

@Linkzelda - Were you responding to my post?

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