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Bringing Them Back: Progress


Rainbows

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Okay, so I had unintentionally created several tulpas over the last year or so out of my characters Donovan, Oliver, and Jasper. I realize now that I had been forcing them everyday for hours at a time and our connection was rather strong; I was even able to see Donovan and occasionally Oliver. (Originally thought I was going nutty...) However, this past November I was working on some papers, night before etc. and Donovan and Oliver were always either talking or asking to play. I tried to be nice at first, but then I just got so overwhelmed that I screamed at them. I told them to FO... and they did. When I tried forcing in the days after I didn't get a response, tried apologizing and they didn't hear. They were just gone.

 

Over the course of the last several months only Donovan's come back, but even then he's been fleeting and snippy with me. I've spent many hours apologizing and only recently he's chosen to forgive me. So he's somewhat back, but as little more than a presence and voice.

 

I wanted to make this post to record my progress as I start forcing again. D said he's willing to cooperate, and that Oliver's still off sulking somewhere so I have to apologize to him too. Neither of us has a clue as to where Jazz is, but he'll be back around once Oliver comes around.

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I just want to do a quick summary of their forms and personalities..and I've had Donovan the longest so he's developed the most.

 

Donovan is, for the most part, a big softie. The only people he ever gets snippy with is Jazz and myself. He's usually polite and doesn't like to argue, and has an extra big soft spot for little kids.

Form-wise he is 17 years old, 14'2" tall and about 1200lbs. His skin's a light grey with black hair and eyes, light blue tongue and sharp teeth. His form is emaciated with sunken eyes and cheeks and clearly visible ribs.

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Tried talking with Oliver today. He was curled up somewhere and didn't respond to me the first couple minutes. He might be sick...the sludge was sloughing off his skin something terrible. I'll try to get him a bath, or at least hit him with a hose, and that should help. He's convinced I'm still mad at him and started apologizing. I laid down with him and told him how that wasn't the case but he wasn't getting it. A few more tummy rubs and that bath might calm him down.

Donovan was there the entire time, watching from the sidelines and keeping my mind on track. He didn't say much.

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Last post I made is gone...weird...anyway, I haven't had time to force this week, being bogged down with with classwork. But the other day during Spanish Donovan was making comments about the professor, it was kinda funny until he got irritated when I started focusing more on him. I'm glad he's becoming a little more vocal, but his appearances are totally random.

Oliver doesn't usually talk so I'm not surprised that he hasn't. Might try and force and talk with him right after this.

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Tried talking with Oliver today. He was curled up somewhere and didn't respond to me the first couple minutes. He might be sick...the sludge was sloughing off his skin something terrible. I'll try to get him a bath, or at least hit him with a hose, and that should help. He's convinced I'm still mad at him and started apologizing. I laid down with him and told him how that wasn't the case but he wasn't getting it. A few more tummy rubs and that bath might calm him down.

Donovan was there the entire time, watching from the sidelines and keeping my mind on track. He didn't say much.

 

 

Sludge??? What's that? Anyway... you saw them? As in... in the real world?

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I'm sorry for not clarifying, no, I was in one of my dreamscapes. Right now I can no longer do imposition.

The sludge isn't exactly sludge, I just have no better word for it. It's more a collection of dead cells and bacteria that sloughs off the skin of his lower chest and gill slits, looks like a green-black sludge. It's gross and his body sheds more of it when he's sick.

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This past week was insane, I had literally no time for forcing...But today Donovan was a little vocal, we chit chatted for a while and then he scolded me for not trying harder. I had some time between classes so I sat outside for a while staring at stuff to make size comparisons as I tried to visualize D. Not much happened other than my eyes hurting from the sun....

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I've started to write what Donovan says to me, given I have a pencil/paper around. It somewhat helps me focus on what he's saying and not space out as much. Even if it's about nothing. Oliver wants me to write what he says as well and I started, but then he goes quiet so there's kinda no point. But it made him happy so I'm ok with it.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I am sorry to say that due to personal issues these past few weeks I haven't been working with D or Oliver. I'm feeling a little better now, but my progress with them has regressed to almost nothing. The only reason I'm typing this is because yesterday I was doing an activity in therapy and I heard Donovan's voice. Just one sentence and it was really quiet and weak, but he sounded concerned.

"Have things gotten that bad?"

That's all he said. I tried to coax more out of him but he disappeared again.

I think once the semester's over I'll be able to focus on them more. But I feel bad about doing this to them..

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Forgot to update, but something kinda big happened earlier. Over the last couple of months my thoughts about my success in school have been getting more and more negative to the point where some days I'm crying during my class periods.

 

I was in band rehearsal and in one of those negative moods, and I couldn't do any breathing or anything to calm myself down. Then, being dead serious here I hadn't even been thinking about him, Donovan appeared out of nowhere and started pulverizing those thoughts. He ripped them to pieces and shoved them away, then took my face in his hand and said "Stop that. Focus on me. Forget about all that and focus on me." And I did, and I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I could relax.

 

Donovan stayed with me for the rest of the class period, so a little over an hour, encouraging me, telling me "You can do it. You're doing great." and just doing everything he could to comfort me. He was trying to hug me, hold me, pretend to be part of the audience as the band played, and give me flashes of just us sitting in our dreamscape, a cliff overlooking a forest covered mountain range, and watching the sunset. And every time a negative thought would try to creep back he would shove it away and just say "Focus on me." By the end of class I was smiling again; D was a little tired but he looked happy. He then apologized for the other day (last post) and told me he had no idea that I'd been so stressed. I said it was okay and thanked him for earlier, then let him go to take a nap.

 

I'm surprised and so relieved that D showed up today, it's the first time he'd been so caring towards me in months. But I'm so glad he did, he's a great friend ;w;

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