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Pleeb

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I still have nightmares about school. Just because I missed the first week once and forgot about a final exam once and kinda never went to one class, ever, and waltzed into the final and passed it but really shouldn't have, but hey, the guy said, "if you don't want to be here, you're free to just show up for the final." I stood up, took my bag, saluted and ~gone~. It was a morning class tho, srsly. I didn't usually go to bed till 3.

 

Then there was grad school... oh sweet death, how you betrayed me. I lived, but at what cost? Look at my mental state? PGSD

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school is just a distraction from doing the things that really matter, but unfortunately it is a distraction that the rest of the world seems to be putting a lot of stake into, so I have to trade away my present in the hopes that it will give me a future

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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School's not a distraction, it's the way to get a magic sheet of paper that colleges need. If things were just a little different I would have just gotten my GED and skedaddle to college but it's too late now, I might as well stick with what's going on. 

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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that's what I mean; school isn't good for anything in of itself, but the rest of the world puts a lot of stake into it and that makes it something I can't afford to ignore. as far as education, I could probably learn everything that I have learned in school faster and with less stress on my own, but I cannot make the sheet of paper that says that I survived a 4 year long game of trivial pursuit on my own without a fair bit of personal risk

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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hello, I don't mind my school, but sometimes I do. Anyways, how is everyone? 


4 hours ago, A&J said:

hello, I don't mind my school, but sometimes I do. Anyways, how is everyone? 

I just sounded very sarcastic. 

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check this out: Progress report 

 

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I kept trying to explain to my social worker guy that I don't posit that school will provide me with an education, and he kept getting so confused about it. Does that mean you don't give a shit about your classes? No. Does it mean that you think it's too easy? Well, mostly yeah, but I'm not going to bitch that it's easy. It's not meant for me, it's meant for the lowest common denominator of student. I'd be a lot more frustrated if I felt I was entitled to be educated by school. You learn things for sure- you can't avoid learning things. Part of school is learning to do work in general, rather than any actual subject. 

 

But "education" doesn't come from school- that's my own responsibility. And it's good that it's that way, because it means I can control it, while I can't control too much at all what my schooling is like. It's been pretty shit, I was put in a cubby behind a curtain and forgotten about for three years. But it's okay, education-wise, because I'm the type of person who reads textbooks for fun. And in reality, a lot of learning is growing to meet what's demanded of you. Pretty much any job, you'll have to be trained and taught in some fashion. 

 

 

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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I am doing alright. I am pretty frustrated by how little I know and how things so often have unintended consequences. I used to think that when I couldn't do things it was because I needed to be more disciplined and that I was able to change it, but now I think I might have been wrong. there were a good few weeks, maybe even a month, where I was invincible, I could do anything and applying effort was easy, but then I lost that and I could hardly do anything. I think that part of it was that I wasn't getting enough sleep, but I wonder if it might just not be possible to keep it up all the time. maybe after a certain point I run out of whatever motivation chemicals keep me going. maybe I was burning faster that I could replenish. I just don't know

 

how about you?

 

 

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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mental  

Spoiler

I've been phobic about school at greater and greater intensities since about 7th grade, and so despite the fact I'm an A student I've failed many classes, and I'm failing all my classes right now LMAO. I just haven't done any work, I cower away from the teacher's eyes on the screens in video calls and close everything out as soon as possible. 

 

I'm not and never have been much of a procrastinator. The difference is that a procrastinator uses the pressure of the deadline to rush through and force themselves to do something they don't want to do. The more pressure that's put on me, the more I just shut down. The longer I go without doing something, I just give up more and more and more. Procrastinators eventually do the task- I never do. I don't super know how to undo phobias and I feel like no one understands. Exposure therapy doesn't work well on a dissociative person, or at least most people are idiots about it. Last school year I was phobic of my speech teacher and my social worker said "let's go for a walk" and walked me in circles past her room, then stopped in front of her room with me, and then stepped closer and closer until he said "Do you want to step inside?" It felt incredibly violating and made me lose a lost of trust in him, and made me constantly feel like he was going to trick or trap me. I had been starting to do work in that class but after that incident I would literally curl up in my chair and eventually just stopped going. I know that was confusing as hell for him, because I never looked anxious at any point. I think that's the crux of it. I'm a very phobic person, but I have almost no anxiety about anything. I didn't write for 4 years. I would hold a pencil and have someone going "Write! Write! Why can't you write? Why are you refusing to write?" over my shoulder and look coolly at them and say "I just can't." with 0 fear. It would be the same as if someone handed me a bottle of bleach and started yelling "Chug! Chug!" I trust entirely that I'm just not going to do that. 

 

I know at the center of most, if not all of my phobic reactions is that I think I'll kill myself if I do xyz, but I just can't get anyone to understand, and I can't find any online resources that address, that anxiety isn't involved for me, at least not in the sense they assume. I can't bring myself to test boundaries or push past my phobic walls, though, because, well, I'd kill myself. Whenever I, or anyone else, does "testy" shit like that, it drives my phobic response to bolster itself. If I feel like I'm being tricked or trapped, I double down. I would never down a bottle of bleach, but if someone hid bleach in a pop can and then made me sniff it- you know what I'd do? Definitely not warm up to drinking bleach. I'd start being suspicious of pop cans, maybe refuse to take ANY drinks from people, because now I can't trust that they aren't bleach. When I couldn't write, I at first could write numbers and sometimes things like the "th" in "4th", until my math teacher told me, "If you can write a t in 4th, why can't you write one by itself?" Alright! So now I can't write numbers or letters at all then! Phobias aren't about logic and it's torturous to have people tell you "that's so inconsistent" like you're just an idiot. The definition of a phobia is that it's irrational and people know it's irrational. Next up, telling someone having a panic attack that there's no reason to be so scared, and telling someone having a psychotic break that they need to stop making shit up. 

 

 

 

It's gonna be fine though, I live a wild life. Gonna graduate a semester early and hopefully work for that extra semester, then off to a dorm for we three JGC.....

 

 

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

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you can't try to do exposure therapy without telling the person and getting their permission. that is just going to be perceived as a betrayal and it will sever their trust in you. in all of my experience with all of my issues, when someone tries to help me against my will, it just makes everything worse. I have only ever been able to get past stuff on my own or with the help of Miela. what makes it even harder is that once you do something for long enough, people start to expect you to do it in the future, so when you get past that it will generate attention, which makes it so much more difficult. even if it is positive attention, it still feels bad

 

in snail racing in undertale, you can encourage your snail to go faster. if you encourage the snail every once in a while then the snail will go faster, but when you encourage them too much then the pressure to succeed is too great and they retreat into their shell for the rest of the race

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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