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Pleeb

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sleep is a tough one. I finally wrangled my sleep, but I am tempted every night to stay up later because without fail there is always some activity going on around when I am going to bed that I will miss out on, but shikata ga nai I suppose

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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I've been napping through the day again so I probably won't sleep for quite some time...

Iro - He/they - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system - Speaker if there's no tag

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Asha - He/him - 13th June 2022

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yeah. when I manually copypasted your link it worked, I think that you just accidentally inserted a link to this page in your link before

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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That counts! I think. This is all pretty arbitrary. 

 

Man, I have a bunch of big meetings coming up. Getting all my ducks in a row is messy. I fucked some things up, no wibbly words about it, and I have go in and go "Hey, look, I patched it all up! Please, uh, give me even more work, I pinky promise I'll do it this time!" or else I might not be able to graduate early. I really want to graduate early, it's one of the only things keeping me going. It might be a lot better for my GPA if I don't graduate early but, I'll repeat, I really need out. If things were a little different I would have just off and got me a GED but it didn't pan out like that. 

 

Maybe I shouldn't, or even can't, graduate early, but oh man, that really puts some blood in my cheeks. I just feel mad. I was on track to graduate a full year early with half a 2 year degree, then I had this mental breakdown and now my life prospects keep diminishing. It's really nasty mentally. It makes me angry at the people who have abused me, but at the end of the day I know it's all on me now. Un-fucking your shit takes a lot of work. 

 

Ugh... maybe I'll graduate at 4 years, and I can tell people it was about wanting a higher GPA and not wanting to graduate after just hybrid classes, that it was about wanting more IRL classes at a real high school. All of that's true. 

 

Strong feels

Spoiler

The people in these meetings don't understand, but I don't expect them to at all. They treat it like, "Well, look at all this wasted potential, you got lazy but it's fine.... but you could have been something special." 

I didn't "get lazy", I went all the way to the bottom, mentally, alllll the way to the pits and really should have gone to the ER at several points and now I'm seemingly facing long-term physical problems because of how I fucked my deal up. They treat it like my priorities changed and I must have valued laying in bed, or video games, or my phone over school. I valued not dying and I valued not being in great pain and bodily dysfunction. Sorry. 

 

I've recovered a lot but it haunts me how the version of what I could have been if this all never happened is an impossibility. I'm never going to get to a point where it just never happened, I can't undo flunking out of college, and the bodily damage isn't going away anytime soon either. I just get so angry when they act like I'm just lazy and decided not to live up to my potential. 

 

The funny thing is, it's true! In a lot of ways I've been lazy/complicit/etc and not lived up to what I could accomplish, and valued (and still value) meaningless things over meaningful things. But I value my education, my schooling- they're wrong about that one. I just value avoiding great physical pain and death more. 

 

I don't know how to express, "I didn't just decide to devalue school: I was raped, became suicidal when I realized that's what it was, and gave myself chronically painful organ damage, and in that time of life, I sure did value school less than my immediate health concerns." I can't just say that. 

You just got lazy for no reason, you just don't care about school for no reason. Man. Man! That puts some color in my cheeks! 

 

If I was at 70% before my breakdown, and 0% during, I'm at 35% now. Huh-rah team. My tentative mental timeline is that we want to consider ourselves cured of DID by 2023: 100%. (Or at least 97%ish.) Before or around the time college is over. "Cure" as in non-disorderly mental health, and I also mean no dependencies on drugs to get that non-symptomatic state. I recognize that even when you're "cured" you can't undo your past. 

 

It's not like I have an itinerary, I just vaguely keep that in mind when I think about trajectory, about progress speed. Might be controversial in comparison to the mess of the "DID community"... but I really don't plan to have DID forever? At least not in a symptomatic, disorder-qualifying form. Imagine if the "PTSD community" implied that you should have PTSD indefinitely.

 

LMAO I need a blog. I journal a lot privately but I talk differently when I know it's going to be public.

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

Our Thread

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it's all pretty fucked. you only have one chance at life, and when you mess up in the beginning when you are still figuring stuff out that can have long lasting consequences. the world is harsh and hard to control and you have to be able to do things in all sorts of bad conditions. you have to be able to do things in bad conditions before you even know how to do things in good conditions

 

you won't be perfect. it is better to focus on what you can do than what you can't; better to focus on what still can be than what could've been

I have a tulpa named Miela who I love very much.

 

 
"People put quotes in their signatures, right?"

-Me

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