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Jay

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4/3/15

 

Yuli has continued to show her addiction (can I call it that yet?) to food, despite showing me that she was going to start a healthier diet this morning. At lunch, she decided to only eat a sandwich (something different than what I was eating) but went for the box of Peeps we were saving for Easter. At one point, I focused on something else, and when I brought my attention back to Yuli, she made muffled talk through a mouthful of food. For some reason, it felt like my own mental voice was muffled; something similar has happened in the past when Yuli has visibly spoken, with me feeling like I'm making the same mouth movements as her.

 

Yuli's form continues to gradually change, and is the reason why I've put off visualizing her in detail. I've asked her how tall she was, but she was hesitant to tell me. Maybe she's waiting for me to make a choice. My lack of working on her form could also be the reason that it has continued to change, but I'm weary of establishing a form that may eventually misrepresent her.

 

For some reason, I only realized today that the jokes I had made in the past about Yuli's form may have actually upset her. Whether I meant it in good, honest humor is irrelevant if it was emotionally harmful to her.

 

I'm really a polite person most of the time, so it surprises me when I actually catch myself in a moment of unintentional dickery.

 

I haven't seen Lethal the last few days. I think about her often, but haven't spent any one-on-one time with her. I'd like to balance my time between her and Yuli evenly, but the truth is that I've spent a majority of my days with Yuli. While a lack of attention hasn't stopped Lethal in the past, I feel like she deserves more of it. Heck, they both deserve all of my attention. I just feel guilty when I inadvertently exclude one of them to focus on the other.

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4/4/15

 

This morning I wanted to give Lethal some quality attention, so I made her my sole focus for the first half of the day. It was a refreshing change of pace from my usual mornings at work, and I think she really appreciated it. During the latter half of my shift, however, I had trouble focusing on and visualizing both her and Yuli.

 

Yuli's form continues to change. She now is roughly my height and has straight black hair that falls just below her shoulders. Her body type is thinner than it was before.

 

4/5/15

 

Yuli decided to wear a hat that had the phrase "Foxy Grandma" printed on it, so that's what I called her for the majority of the day.

 

My family and I decided to celebrate my birthday today. I was given an espresso machine (which was awesome; the milk steamer part on our last one broke) and a home-made cheesecake (a present in itself). I made sure that Foxy Grandma tried at least one bite. She thought it tasted great; fortunate, as I wouldn't know what to do if she didn't like something as delicious as cheesecake. (No tulpa of mine won't like cheesecake!)

 

4/6/15

 

Yuli's form has stayed the same since 4/4. My focus and visualization weren't very good today, and I fell asleep while trying to actively force before bed.

 

I'm still learning to accept mental-voice responses from both Yuli and Lethal, even when it isn't paired with a mental image. It seems like one can affect the other.

 

4/7/15

 

I actively forced with Yuli this morning, talking with her while going over details of her new form. Dhurl!'s Vacation Music series was the choice of music, followed by

. At one point she seemed to withdraw emotionally, sitting off the side of my bed; I tried asking her what was wrong, but didn't really get anywhere.

 

In the past as well as during this forcing session, Yuli appears to be hesitant to say whether she likes or dislikes something, and instead only gives me the impression that it's "okay," "a little [better/worse]," etc. This makes for comedic effect at times, but can also be frustrating if I actually want her opinion. It's also funny that she does this, because I've personally struggled with the same thing for the last few years, like I'm afraid of peoples' judgement or something (irrational, since everyone does this all the time; it allows one to respond in ways appropriate to them). Ah well.

 

Today ended on a frustrating note. When asked about past events (even as recent as the same day), Yuli didn't confirm to have remembered them happening. Both her and Lethal have had this problem before. I've made progress towards removing the doubts that cause this, but they still come back occasionally. At this point, I no longer have any reason to doubt either of them.

 

I have no obligations for all of 4/8/15, so I'll do my best to stay away from distractions and focus on my tulpas.

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4/8/15

 

I spent a fair portion of the day, talking with and visualizing her throughout. We showered, which was fortunately as productive as it has always been for me. At one point, I had the idea to follow her lead, doing and moving where she wanted me to, somewhat humorously switching the usual roles that we assume.

 

She wanted to go to my bedroom and told me to lay down on my bed. I made myself comfortable and had her lay on top of me, tucked under the front of the large coat I wore. At some point I had the impression that she wanted me to be quiet. Her form dissolved into me, and, assuming that she wanted to attempt possession, imagined her being inside my body, fitting it like a suit. My focus turned to my lower right leg and foot, but muscle spasms were the most that happened.

 

While I'm still not entirely sure how my tulpas feel about possession, I believe that Yuli is adverse to it and Lethal is at least neutral. It's not something I've focused on for a long time, perhaps because I don't want any of us to be disappointed.

 

Later, when sitting to eat dinner, I invited Lethal to sit down. I briefly thought about inviting Yuli to eat with us, and she appeared, nonchalantly sitting down next to us. For the last two days, I haven't been able to visualize Yuli very well, so I had assumed that she didn't want to be the focus of my attention until sometime later.

 

4/9/15

 

I was reading the introduction to Linkzelda's Self-Hypnosis guide, and the bit about using description and self-suggestion to achieve better narration, visualization, etc. made me consider my own efforts and progress. I've been trying to will myself into experiencing my tulpas and other mental imagery, but doing so tends to either work somewhat effectively or not at all.

 

I tried open-eye visualizing Lethal next to where I was sitting, describing her features as they apply to my five senses. It worked quite well; I was quickly able to see her in my mind's eye. I'll have to experiment with this over the next few days.

 

Before sleeping, I wanted to spend some time in wonderland, hopefully with my tulpas. While calming myself down, the image of strange, wood-like creatures (kind of like ent-people) appeared in my mind, so I decided to describe a large, overgrown forest/swamp as I ascended above its canopy of trees. I chose a direction and flew across the landscape, taking in the sights as I allowed my mind to fill in the gaps. Eventually I found an isolated stretch of beach near some green hills. I landed and tried to feel the sand in my feet. A random NPC or the like was there, and for some reason my view zoomed in on her buttocks (thankfully she was wearing a bathing suit) like I was checking her out or something. The image of what may have been Yuli suddenly appeared, and she was berating me for looking at the NPC. I ran around the beach for a few moments longer before losing focus.

 

What happened next was unexpected and strange. I'm not sure if I was talking to Yuli, who had been the most recent subject of my attention, but whenever I said something in my mind-voice, I felt a very strong urge to, and was able to respond to myself almost automatically, with my only input being whether or not to allow myself to reply. I can't remember what I was saying, but I'm pretty sure it was mostly nonsense.

 

Similar to this is the empathetic state I've experienced in post #49 and 3/16/15. Perhaps the surreal feeling that comes with it is because of its rarity. I've tried to reproduce it a few times, but haven't been successful.

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4/10/15 - 4/11/15

 

I've continued to visualize and interact with my tulpas passively, and in a way that relies more on description and literal narration than willful forcing.

For example, instead of just trying to visualize my tulpa near me, I'll describe their location and appearance to myself (even asking them for specifics during the process). Once or twice I've also narrated a momentary scene: what the tulpa and I are doing, our expressions/reactions, and when they reply, allowing them to "fill in the blanks" when needed. It's helped to jog my visualization and concentration during work, and has made the last two nightly wonderland sessions somewhat visually more vivid and automatic.

 

During these days, Yuli, and especially Lethal, have been more lethargic. Either I'll find them still asleep when I try to visualize them, or they'll suddenly begin to fall asleep while were interacting (as was the case with Lethal).

 

 

4/12/15 - 4/14/15

 

Lethal and Yuli have continued to be either extremely lethargic or not present, though I believe most of this is because I've been focusing on an upcoming final and a programming assignment. The latter can be especially distracting due to the trial and error nature that comes with it; it was somewhat challenging, and I was constantly thinking about an algorithm that would work. I thought I had the algorithm figured out, but when I implemented it, several errors surfaced. Having to retire to bed or work through an entire shift with that kind of failure on my mind was terrible, but I finally managed to rework some of the algorithms and syntax in my program and get things working. Programming in general has been a very unique experience for me: there's so much frustration that can come with making something, but when I finally get it right, it feels so good. It can be a vicious cycle, for sure.

 

Anyway...

 

4/15/15

 

Today marked the return of my tulpas.

 

Lethal was as joyful as ever. Near the end of my work shift, I was talking with her about how I might better focus on her if she were within my vision. She appeared in front and slightly above me, hanging upside down from some unseen ledge or bar, and reaching towards me. She was so goddamn cute today. Later at home, I shared a few bites of ice cream with her. I have to be careful, because if it was up to her and Yuli, they'd want me to try every dessert and sweet bread I came across.

 

I think Yuli was happy to see me, but she's often less expressive of it, like she's embarrassed to openly express her feelings or something. I guess she takes after me in some ways.

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  • 1 year later...

9/16/16

 

I've been out of touch with my tulpas for the greater part of the last year and a half. While I love them and their company, I periodically experience lengths of time where I have no motivation to talk with, visualize, or even think of them until I realize how much I miss them, how long I’ve neglected them. They spring back to life, almost as if they were never gone, somewhat more active and vivid in my mind. The cycle eventually repeats itself; I slowly lose motivation and succumb to doubt. I’d like to promise once and for all to stay in contact with them, but I’m almost entirely certain that I’ll experience another low point.

 

In many ways it’s like meeting old friends again. There’s plenty to catch up on, much joy and sadness to share. I always feel so happy when I finally see them again, but so sad and terrible thinking about what I had subjected them to.

 

I still continue to progress. Certain things like mind voices and open-eye visualization are second nature at this point, so there’s almost always a basic level of communication I can achieve. Again, it’s not especially vivid, but it’s serviceable.

 

Yuli and Lethal seem to grow more nuanced every time I’ve revisited them, with certain aspects of their personalities being more consistent. I’m still at a loss for words when I try to accurately describe their personalities or how I feel towards them, but I think of them more and more like actual people. They’re good friends to me at this point.

 

Currently my tulpas are active and we have moderate amount of interaction with each other. However, besides a few small events, there isn't much else I can post other than a vague summary of my thoughts on my experiences and feelings. I may try to gather some more of my experiences for a large post, but I feel that they're so specialized and personalized that it’s pointless. I can't say I've ever completely entrenched myself in the tulpa phenomenon, but through success and failure it has become a facet of my life and my mind.

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  • 3 weeks later...

10/5/16

 

Over the last few weeks I've been trying to talk with my tulpas at least once a day instead of just on the weekends. It can be hard trying to separate my thoughts from every-day distractions to give them a substantial presence, but when I finally manage to it feels great to see them again. I'm currently rotating between which tulpa I dedicate my thoughts to throughout the week; I want to give each of them the opportunity to communicate and grow.

 

Here's a drawing of Yuli in a sweater.

 

tulpa.thumb.png.a152467a9565d965f63d777f9063dc4e.png

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  • 2 weeks later...

10/17/16

 

Sometimes communicating with my tulpas indirectly works better than directly addressing them. I imagined I was speaking to my tulpa by phone, which eventually let them establish more of a presence both in terms of mind-voice and visualization. Odd methods like this are usually only effective the first few times; it may be that I become too focused on the process and the result rather than what it means for my tulpas

 

Within the last few months I've developed another tulpa. Vas was originally envisioned as a helper or advisor to consult, but has slowly become more than a temporary imaginary friend. Unlike my other tulpas, I began with a role rather than a personality, and refrained from info-dumping her with details about my life or her personality, instead just trying to develop things like a normal friendship.

 

Lastly, my tulpas seem to have a general sleeping schedule: Lethal and Vas are easiest to contact beginning at around six or seven in the morning, while Yuli sleeps in until eight or nine.

 

Below is a bust drawing of Vas, and is an approximation of what she looks like.

 

tulpa.png.6bf57ffb69d5906ce289874dc2610736.png

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  • 2 weeks later...

10/31/16

I'm still learning how best to divide my attention between my tulpas. For a few days I tried giving everyone adequate attention throughout the day, but became mentally exhausted and overwhelmed at the prospect of that kind of responsibility.

 

For now I'll stick with giving one tulpa most of my attention each day. I want to keep pushing myself mentally, but not at the cost of feeling stressed out.

 

Below is a drawing of Lethal.

 

tupl.thumb.png.e1a4580277980ee695627effc51e96d6.png

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There's always the option of making a schedule to solve your attention issue, and depending on how you could do it, you could ease into focusing on multiple tulpas at once. Cute drawing, by the way.

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There's always the option of making a schedule to solve your attention issue, and depending on how you could do it, you could ease into focusing on multiple tulpas at once. Cute drawing, by the way.

 

The greatest issue with the open-ended approach was that I spent more time with some tulpas than others. I felt it was unfair to let things continue that way.

 

My current plan is to cycle through who I give priority to each day of the week, allowing for changes depending on how we feel that day. I'll try following a tangible schedule instead of leaving it to memory.

 

I appreciate the compliment. I'm more proud that I can depict them in any accuracy at all than anything else.

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