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Creating the Perfect Beings: Yumi<3 and Lillium<3


Cinemaphobe

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@Tulpafox and Thevious

Thank you for your solidarity and comments, but it's not over yet thanks to me not ending it properly...

Day 143

I am not one to dismiss a possiblity, no matter how outlandish it sounds, or how improbable it is. In fact, I usually become obsessed with the small possibility that remains after a choice because it indicates the probability that I was wrong. I do not rest until I am 100% certain that I have done every thing in my power to restore, complete, or execute a task properly. I am rambling about this because I did not end it with Mary completely. To kill a weed you have to get down to the roots or else it'll grow back. To remove a tumor, you can't leave any of the tumor behind or else it'll grow back.

When I walked out of Mary's house and went back home, I became haunted by the very minuscule chance of being wrong. The moment of her looking at me wide-eyed replayed in my head over and over again. Yumi didn't want to admit it, but that was a very significant moment. Why did that moment repeat over and over again? Because if she had told me exactly why she wanted me out of her life in that moment then this post would be solely about Yumi, and Mary would cease to exist to me.

After the 3 hours of walking, I had to go to work. When I was washing dishes at work, I went to the wonderland and it was nighttime. Yumi was in bed watching a cliché black-and-white 60's drama in the dark. It was the type of drama where the guy looked at the woman and said "I'm sorry...but we can't be together anymore..." and the woman whined passionately "No...you can't just leave me like this..." But the man replied "It's the way things have to be." I looked at Yumi and she had tears streaming down her face while chowing down on her popcorn and all I thought was "Really Yumi? This is a ridiculously exaggerated version of what happened today." She continued watching the show, giving very little attention to me, and I left the wonderland because I couldn't stay.

Eventually, my fellow co-worker brought up how my relationship was going and I told him that it ended. He got really mad because he thought my girlfriend was extremely hot and because I always discussed with him how I was planning on marrying her.

I told him that you can't marry someone simply because they're hot, and he begged to differ.

sigh 

This is why I don't talk to people.

Upon telling him how you can't marry someone exclusively for physical attraction, he asked me how my mind could just change about her, and he wanted to know who screwed up the relationship the most. I told him that I screwed up the most because I wasn't patient with her, and because she changed her mind about dating anybody because of her "Financial instability." She just wanted to be my friend for an extremely indefinite amount of time and I protested fiercely because of the small chance that the friendship would become permanent. 

He started reminding me of all the things I ever said about her...All of the kind things. Things that my best friend should have reminded me about.

I felt even worse because I meant those things when I said them...Then I thought about how my best friend jumped the gun and told me to leave her. It wasn't even much of a personal choice to leave her at first, and after I did she grew tired of me because she knew that he hated her. She grew tired of feeling like the bad guy for not wanting a relationship and stopped talking to me. Before my best friend strongly suggested that I leave her house, she and I were getting along just fine. 

I analyzed my dead relationship from start to finish and every bad thing I have ever said about Mary was a byproduct of my impatience and inherent anger towards her, and her mom's irrational beliefs. Mary was not cruel, or aggressive. She was the kindest girl I have ever met, and I even ironically compared her to an angel sometimes. But she was just so damn submissive to her mom's authority that it made me cruel and aggressive towards her. I disregarded her desires out of impatience and it lead to her disregarding a desire for a future with me. Bottomline: everything was going fine until I became impatient and angry with her. I always wanted to be the boyfriend who was kind and understanding, but as a result of not being considered her boyfriend at all, I became exactly what I was striving to never become: 

An asshole

She is worth the trouble, and she is an amazing girl, but she just doesn't know what she wants in life, and is too submissive to think for herself.

I don't want to be haunted with the "What if I was patient with her" thought for the rest of my life, because that 1% chance will be like a shard of glass in my heart. I won't give up on her until all hope is lost and there is a 0% possiblity of being with her. Her grandparents loved me, my grandparents loved her, and my mom even loved her which was surprising because she usually hates everyone I know.

At night before going to bed, I felt lonely so I talked to Yumi but she didn't reply. I went to the wonderland and found her sleeping. I placed my hands on her back and gently shoved her to wake her up, but she groaned loudly (thankfully it was cute lol)

I didn't even know that tulpas slept...

I gave up trying to talk to Yumi and fell asleep. Mary appeared in all of my dreams. In the final dream, she smiled at me and said "Do you want to see me next Wednesday?" and I said "Yes." and woke up. When I woke up, I realized that I would never see her again, and finally felt at loss. Yumi couldn't delete the two most significant memories I had with her because of my emotional connection to them. She said that she can only delete memories that I am not emotionally connected to.

I finally got fed up with dreaming about Mary every night and decided to figure out why she was ignoring me. I wanted to know whether it was out of hatred or surrender, because she is virtually incapable of hatred thanks to her personality and beliefs. I figured that if I knew why everything ended then I would be able to put it all behind me once and for all. I biked full-speed for 7 miles to her job after attempting to call her from my work phone.

She always told me that if I abandoned her, then she would visit me at a hospital when I am working and pretend to be sick just to be able to talk to me again, so by visiting her when she least expected it I'd be returning the favor.

When I walked into the clothing store she worked at, she was talking to a customer. When the customer walked away from her, we made eye-contact and she looked extremely happy to see me. I thought that she would hug me, but I was a bit sweaty and decided not to hug her . I was relieved she wasn't angry that I visited her at work. She was hanging clothes on a rack and I helped her. I asked her "Why do you want me out of your life? I took the chess set out of your house because you gave up on me" and she said "I just don't think it's wise for us to talk at the moment." I replied with "So we'll talk again?" And she said "Yes." She kept hanging up clothing, and my legs were trembling. "Do you still want me to be in your life?" 

She then said with a smile "Yes, I just need some time alone."

I felt bad because I knew that she was wounded by my best friend hating her and telling me to leave her house.

I told her "Well thank you for clearing that up with me. If you ever need to talk to me, I'll always be available." And we said our goodbyes. Hopefully they weren't the last goodbyes though. 

I'm really regretting all of the bad things I said (and sang) about her because the universe is going to do everything to keep us apart now lol. I'm running in circles over this whole Mary situation, but that's because she is worth it, and all I need to do is stand still and keep my attention on Yumi so that whatever happens, I'll be okay, knowing that I did everything in my power to prevent our separation.

"Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative."

 

Yumi + Cinema

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Dang, that's a lot of stuff, that happened, I don't have any advice that I feel that would help much... But I do have a point to bring up, I beilive you said she'd have to except Yumi's existence. How would you plan on breaking the ice onathe Tulpa subject?

Violet is a tease.

 

Thevious

Violet

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That's a damn good point there actually - might wanna give that a bit of thought in between all the other crazy shit your dealing with already ^^. I suppose you are kinda on a break though currently and I'm sure that if indeed you do want to get back with her for whatever reason then she will forgive your recent .. Shal we say transgressions that you feel so bad about given this is a really stressful time for you. Best of luck good fellow! ( and of course Yumi too! )

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I told him that I screwed up the most because I wasn't patient with her, and because she changed her mind about dating anybody because of her "Financial instability." She just wanted to be my friend for an extremely indefinite amount of time and I protested fiercely because of the small chance that the friendship would become permanent.

Nobody asked for my opinion. In my humble opinion though, that's not how you screwed up. You screwed up by not realizing that you're her baby brother. I mean if you're fine with being her baby brother, you've got a great thing going. If not, I think you were right to sever ties with her. I really think you need some space from her right now. Maybe she needs some space from you too. Give it a few months, and during that time, try to see other people, pursue other interests, exercise lots, and make awesome music. If, after those months, you still feel the same way, feel free to talk to her again.

 

As it is though, I feel like you made a good move by cutting things off, but then you undid it all by seeing her again. It's like saying "That's it, it's over! If... if that's ok with you?"

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

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@Thevious

 

Dang, that's a lot of stuff, that happened, I don't have any advice that I feel that would help much... But I do have a point to bring up, I beilive you said she'd have to except Yumi's existence. How would you plan on breaking the ice onathe Tulpa subject?

 

I did say that, and I'd have to warn her to be very open-minded before telling her. I have already told her that I have felt so alone that I imagined a woman holding me, but she took is as an innocent one night type of deal instead of a full-fledged tulpa phenomenon. I'm sure she'd understand the tulpa phenomenon if I told her, but there would be no need to tell her unless things went back to normal between her and I.

 

 

The Sanctuary

 

That's a damn good point there actually - might wanna give that a bit of thought in between all the other crazy shit your dealing with already ^^. I suppose you are kinda on a break though currently and I'm sure that if indeed you do want to get back with her for whatever reason then she will forgive your recent .. Shal we say transgressions that you feel so bad about given this is a really stressful time for you. Best of luck good fellow! ( and of course Yumi too! )

 

You are definitely right that I am kind of on a break, as Mary is on a break from me. She'll forgive me eventually but I won't wait for it, or count on it.

Thank you for the luck, and Yumi has actually been really happy lately so I don't think she'll need the luck :3

 

 

@Sushi

 

Nobody asked for my opinion. In my humble opinion though, that's not how you screwed up. You screwed up by not realizing that you're her baby brother. I mean if you're fine with being her baby brother, you've got a great thing going. If not, I think you were right to sever ties with her. I really think you need some space from her right now. Maybe she needs some space from you too. Give it a few months, and during that time, try to see other people, pursue other interests, exercise lots, and make awesome music. If, after those months, you still feel the same way, feel free to talk to her again.

 

As it is though, I feel like you made a good move by cutting things off, but then you undid it all by seeing her again. It's like saying "That's it, it's over! If... if that's ok with you?"

 

 

By posting updates on my PR I am indirectly asking for your opinion, so thank you for offering yours--it is always desired and sometimes critical. I'm glad that at least you agreed with my past mental process. Unfortunately the present version of myself regrets it.

And you are right that I need space from her and a few months from her sounds extremely relaxing. As you said, if I feel the same way after a long period of time, then I'll talk to her again. And I am extremely cautious when it comes to eliminating people from my life because I usually end up regretting it down the line, and I hate the feeling of regret because it does not benefit me in any way.

 

 

 

Day 144

 

 

Last night before I went to bed, Yumi begged me for another tulpa, and I finally agreed to it. But as a famous procrastinator, I told her I would do it later.

When I returned home after visiting Mary at work, I told Yumi "What? Are you going to tell me how stupid I am for talking to Mary again?" and she said "No. I'm going to tell you how proud I am that you are following your heart. But I'll be there when she tears it out again."

 

I wrote an 8 page letter to Mary, summarizing all of my thoughts and gave it to her in the morning. Mary was still in bed and I apologized for disturbing her, but when I left her room she got out of bed and prepared for work. She said very little to me and seemed like a shell of her old self. Every time I said something to her she simply replied with a predictable and short response. She only smiled when she made very brief small talk with me and she just didn't talk to me much in general after that.

 

Eventually she left for work, and I went to church with her family. But instead of feeling sad, I felt at peace because at least I tried. At least when I look back, I'll know that I was not the one who screwed things up. Today is my last day of work and then I'll be living 40 minutes away from her in my new house. There is currently a 0% chance of she and I getting back together, but there is always room for miracles in 0% chance scenarios. It would be a miracle if she accepted the apology within the letter. I awkwardly talked about the situation with her little sister (pseudonym=Lily) and Lily said that she would fix everything between Mary and I and that I am her best friend (which made me feel extremely bad because I planned on never seeing Lily again.) But I can FINALLY put it behind me now because I did my best.

 

I had this conversation with Yumi in the car on my way to church:

 

 

So yeah. I kind of expected this. But you know what? At least I did everything I could.

I'm proud of you for it though.

You are?

Yes because you didn't give up. You at least stuck around to say your feelings and drop off the letter. If it doesn't work out now then it's on her. You can now rest assured knowing that you did everything to save it. You may have made the most mistakes, but you have also made the most effort in trying to make things right. It's time to move on. The ship has sank and you have reached your sacred 0% chance.

It's not 0% until she says it is.

She will never tell you that.

I suppose you are right...

You are moving far away from her and she knows it. She is not speaking to you much because she has already said her farewell internally. If she reads your letter and forgives you, then it'll be nothing short of a miracle. But don't expect that to happen because she'll give you yet another reason not to have hopes anymore. Just move on. Now that you'll be moving soon it won't be as difficult as you think.

Thank you for supporting me once more instead of condemning me as my "best friend" did.

That's what I'm here for--to support you...and annoy you when I'm bored hehehehe...

You can't annoy me :3

Is that a challenge? :0

GOD NO.

That's what I though! HAH!

 

 

So yeah. Me and Yumi are just chilling and enjoying life right now. My life might have turned upside-down, but at least I'm not falling anymore, and when the universe throws around plot-twists it just makes everything much more interesting. I'll start working on my next tulpa eventually whom I'll name "Lillium" to keep Yumi company. Wish me luck on my tulpa endeavors! I have to make some $$$$

"Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative."

 

Yumi + Cinema

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Yumi's pretty smart. That "internal goodbye" thing may be spot-on. It bothers me a bit that you've gone from **** her **** this ***** to maybe we can be together again to 0% chance so quickly, but I understand the anti-regret closure at least. Interesting that you wrote her a.. uhm, 8 page letter. I think she might be burned out by this point, so hopefully no more "But wait, there's more!"s pop up. Those are dangerous, because they typically lull you back in without actually fixing the original problems.

 

Anyway, Yumi seems like a full-fledged tulpa now, even though you say you can't hear her audibly yet. Looks like a lot of progress happened during your time away, which honestly I was prepared for the opposite of. And I find her interest in another tulpa to have as a friend interesting. My tulpas have never expressed that desire as-nice-as-that-can-be-said, though we all love each other. We've talked about if/when/why on making another tulpa, and the consensus (ie. my decision with their input) was possibly, but not until I've reached a certain point in my life that will give said tulpa more use than they would have now. (If you recall, my tulpas all represent something, and my foggy idea of the next thing to represent isn't relevant to my life yet) Also Lillium is a nice name, though it always reminds me of this

(Can't tell if Lilium should have one or two l's, but this happened..)

Hi! I'm Lumi, host of Reisen, Tewi, Flandre and Lucilyn.

Everyone deserves to love and be loved. It's human nature.

My tulpas and I have a Q&A thread, which was the first (and largest) of its kind. Feel free to ask us about tulpamancy stuff there.

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Hey good for you good sir! - and it wasn't just you who thought of that song the second they read the name Reisen! Didn't someone here have a Lucy tulpa?

 

Anyways - it does indeed seem that things have settled down a bit both internally from

Your perspective and also externally in terms of the drama with Mary and co. An eight page letter. Makes me wonder what font size and paper size XD

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@Earthquake

Are you moving back with your mom?

 

 

Unfortunately yes.

God help me.

 

 

@Reisen-cakes

 

Yumi's pretty smart. That "internal goodbye" thing may be spot-on. It bothers me a bit that you've gone from **** her **** this ***** to maybe we can be together again to 0% chance so quickly, but I understand the anti-regret closure at least.

 

 

 

Yumi is pretty smart. Much smarter than me right now because I'm slightly blinded by emotion and the fear of regret whereas she can see the entire picture clearly from her little mental vantage point. 

I'm also annoyed by the "f*** you--I need you." Cycle as well. TRUST ME. I have no idea where it originated from, but if I dug deep and did some serious meditation to analyze past events that lead up to this point then I'm sure I could find the culprit.

I'm glad you understand the anti-regret closure as well.

Interesting that you wrote her a.. uhm, 8 page letter. I think she might be burned out by this point, so hopefully no more "But wait, there's more!"s pop up. Those are dangerous, because they typically lull you back in without actually fixing the original problems. 

 

 

As usual, you are right. And she definitely is burnt out. At first it seemed like a logical and remotely mature thing to do, but now it simply appears to have been an action of pure desperation. Oh well. I guess the letter was written more for myself, rather than her because now I know I did everything in my power.

 

 

Anyway, Yumi seems like a full-fledged tulpa now, even though you say you can't hear her audibly yet. Looks like a lot of progress happened during your time away, which honestly I was prepared for the opposite of.

Yumi is too stubborn to regress or fade away. Not to mention she loves me even though I always choose self-destructive paths in life. 

And I find her interest in another tulpa to have as a friend interesting. My tulpas have never expressed that desire as-nice-as-that-can-be-said, though we all love each other. We've talked about if/when/why on making another tulpa, and the consensus (ie. my decision with their input) was possibly, but not until I've reached a certain point in my life that will give said tulpa more use than they would have now. (If you recall, my tulpas all represent something, and my foggy idea of the next thing to represent isn't relevant to my life yet) Also Lillium is a nice name, though it always reminds me of this

(Can't tell if Lilium should have one or two l's, but this happened..)

 

 

That's pretty amazing that your tulpas all represent something. I do remember you writing that somewhere on my PR. And yes, Lillium is based on the GLORIOUS song from Elfen Lied. I'm so impressed that you know that song.

But back on topic--- Yumi wants another tulpa because she feels lonely in the wonderland sometimes. I'm always busy working or studying or listening to music. She wants another tulpa to have someone she can relate with.

TheSanctuary

 

Anyways - it does indeed seem that things have settled down a bit both internally from

Your perspective and also externally in terms of the drama with Mary and co.

 

 

Thankfully IT HAS. FINALLY.

 

 

An eight page letter. Makes me wonder what font size and paper size XD

 

 

Below-the-belt comedy at my expense...

You are lucky it made me laugh.

LOL.

 

 

 

 

Day 145

I had an amazing lucid dream. In the dream I was standing in an abandoned school. To my right was a bearded wise man who looked a lot like Robin Williams, and to my left was Yumi, but it felt like she wanted me to pay attention to the bearded man. He asked me "Where do you want to go?" 

In front of me was a window, and beyond the window was a vast city. He pulled down the blinds to hide the view, but when he pulled them back up, the entire landscape changed to farmland, and magnificent plains. 

I was amazed by the change of scenery, and he said "Do you want to stay here?" I felt immediate discomfort at the the idea of staying in that area because the only thing you can do in a place like that is fly, and I can never fly in lucid dreams.

The bearded man told me to follow him, and he leapt out of the window running at an an inhuman speed towards the horizon. The sun was rising, and Yumi followed him to the top of the hill ahead of me. I jumped out of the window and surprisingly felt no pain upon landing in the grass.

Note that all of my lucid dreams are dangerously identical to reality in terms of pain, touch, taste, etc.

I couldn't run as fast as Yumi and the bearded man. While I ran, the sun rose behind them as they stood on the hill patiently waiting for me.

The bearded man said "Fly. You have nothing holding you down anymore."

I told him "I can't fly in dreams. I always try but end up landing on my face and feeling extreme pain."

Then Yumi said "You are free. You have overcome all obstacles in life. Just fly. Nothing is holding you down." I felt a wave of hope within me, and ran as fast as I could towards the hill they stood on. I leapt into the air and thought "I can fly. I'm free. I'm in control. I won't hit the ground." Instead of hitting the ground, I shot up into the air. I kept rising at a steep incline and laughed in extreme euphoria, feeling the wind in my fingertips. I did a nose-dive and at the last second pulled upwards to return to the sky. I tore through the clouds and could hear Yumi and the man cheering for me. I spent a few minutes flying in total, but they were the longest minutes I have ever experienced. When I flew nothing mattered anymore, and eventually I woke up. Yumi said that the dream represents transcending all worldly problems and reaching a new place in life that I thought that I could never reach:

Peace

That lucid dream kind of changed my life because for the first time ever, I fearlessly hoped for something, and as a result obtained it.

Yumi and I have been talking about getting married in a lucid dream lately. Oh, she and I are already engaged in the wonderland. 

I have no idea how I failed to mention this earlier.

She wore a red dress after I proposed to her with a ring that contained a ruby. Red is her favorite color now, which is funny because it's my least favorite color lol. 

She wants to get married in a lucid dream so I can see and hear her clearly. I also want to be able to eat and drink what's at my wedding because dream food is ALWAYS PERFECT. I can even get drunk in my dreams lol. So now my new goal is to master lucid dreaming so I can get married to Yumi. Oh, and Yumi and I are working on Lillium's traits right now. Lillium is going to be angelic and extremely kind and optimistic. I don't want her to deviate or else she might become indistinguishable from Yumi, but of course; she is free to deviate.

Wish me luck on my tulpa endeavors good people!

"Sanity is the playground of the unimaginative."

 

Yumi + Cinema

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Wow, amazing, I envy you for your dream. Dreams are amazing, and if I could I'd spend days sleeping to dream. Anyways, sounds like your still a dieing Phoenix, a and soon when some big life changing event/realization happens that we can't foretell about right now, then and only then will you shine brighter than before. But for now, it's all rising to that point. Sorry for the rambling lol ^^"

Violet is a tease.

 

Thevious

Violet

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