Jump to content

I'm terrified for the well-being of my tulpa and myself.


Mana

Recommended Posts

I apologize for not giving a formal introduction if that's something regular here. I consider my predicament to be an emergency, and I would deeply appreciate feedback as soon as possible.

 

My tulpa's stability is fading away, I can no longer go into Wonderland to see him, he can no longer take control of my flesh with ease anymore, and when he did last night he couldn't go to Wonderland either to see me. This has a been a problem since late September, and before the problem set in, I was able to communicate with him easily and be able to give him control of my flesh back and forth with no issues. I've had him since I was 11, and I'm 19 now. He was created accidentally as I was going through a very lonely time in my life. He is someone that manifested out of misery, and I was battling it for several years until a few months ago. I'm afraid that the root of this problem is that I'm no longer in such a mental state, and that such a mental state has been supporting his existence. He has been an emotional crutch for me, and it's not that I no longer want him, but I no longer need him, and that lack of a need is killing him.

 

Whenever either of us would enter Wonderland, we could feel our brain have a physical reaction, as if it "jumps", and this movement is no longer happening. Without this movement, we can't enter Wonderland. A similar physical reaction would happen as well when either of us would take control of my flesh, and this is hardly occurring now. Last night I was able to get him to take control of my flesh for the first time since the problem began in September (however the physical reaction in the brain did not occur), and it took much more effort than usual. It took a lot of stimulation for him to be able to take control, and even then he didn't feel entirely like himself and he had problems staying stabilized. It didn't take that much effort for him to give me back control of my body, and the physical reaction was only mild compared to how it usually is. I didn't feel like myself for several hours after this happened, it was only until late today that I actually felt like me. We've been having problems feeling distinct from each other, and this causes distress in us, but more so in me than him.

 

I realize that is forum isn't exactly open about the spirituality of tulpamancy, but I need to go into the spiritual side of my situation. It seems that his consciousness is receding, but his soul isn't receding at all. My misery was enough to divide my soul into two parts, and I ended up with a smaller half while he was the bigger half. Whenever I would feel not entirely myself, it would not just be me experiencing thoughts or feelings that would typical of him, but I would also feel his soul, as if my being was being partially "fueled" by his soul. Whenever this happens, I feel distressed, it feels so alien to be "fueled" by a soul, or a partition of a soul that does not belong to you. This same effect has happened to him as well whenever he took control of my body sometimes. He does not feel distress to the extent that I do however, but it is discomforting. My soul isn't as large as his, and likely factors in to why this effect isn't as strong for him. This same effect would also happen to me whenever him and I have "deep sex". I don't use this term to refer to a particular position or style of sex, but the friction between our souls during sex. It's very discomforting to feel his energy "burn" into me, I feel like it scars me. This does not happen to him though. Please, keep in mind, I'm not referring to sexual fluids when I mean 'energy'.

 

I'm afraid of his mind disappearing, and I'm considering "merging" into him both mentally and spiritually so he can stay alive in some way or another. I'm afraid of doing this though, because I don't think I'll be 'myself' if I go through with it. His energy feels so different from mine, despite how our soul used to be one several years ago. It's already so distressing whenever him and I are in a 'mixed state', I can't imagine what it would be like for us to be fused together. I'm afraid of not being me, and I know he's afraid of not being him. I've only just now started to love myself for who I am and the developmental potential that I have. I'm not ready to literally become a different person.

 

We're scared, and we need help.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, there was a topic not unlike to yours before: https://community.tulpa.info/thread-revival-rebirth-of-a-tulpa

So I suggest trying what TC of that topic did. Not letting him die and reviving later, of course, but using symbolism to deal with the problem. You seem to already suspect the reason of all this, so you can use some sort of symbolic ritual to remove his dependence on your trauma, to find a new source of energy for him, so to speak. I think what he needs is a new meaning, a new purpose for being with you and what you need is to think of such a purpose and convince your subconscious in it. And don't let your fears take hold of you, it isn't helping.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't believe tulpas die completely until the host dies. Until that point, there's always the potential for what was the tulpa to become the tulpa again. I've heard of tulpas coming back after decades dormant. So this fading away isn't a death for him. It's more like going into a coma.

 

I don't feel like you're going to be happy with the answers you get here though. You seem more metaphysically minded. You might want to ask on a psionics or daemon forum.

"Some things have to be believed to be seen." - Ralph Hodgson

Link to comment
Share on other sites

As one of the more spiritually minded members here, I'll do what I can to help.

 

What you describe seems pretty unique. You say he split from yourself. This sounds more like a trauma based multiple system than a typical tulpa. The similarities and differences between a multiple system and a tulpamancer is debatable, but I think most would agree that there are differences.

 

Have you begun taking any new medications recently? Especially any sort of psychiatrical medicines. In some soul bonding/multiple communities, I have heard that some medicines can cause something similar to this to happen. If this is desired, then they will often continue to take the meds until the entity disappears, and it's relatively rare for it to return even after one stops taking the meds. If this is not desired, they May stop taking the drugs, and over time the connection reestablishes.

 

If you are on any meds, I am not advocating you stop taking them by any means. Please know what you are doing, and talk to your doctor if you thin this may be the case. Explaining your issue may be difficult, but even most psychiatrists are understanding. It's not unheard of for them to be multiple as well.

 

Another possibility is that you are subconsciously trying to dissolve him. Your post suggests that you aren't entirely comfortable with him being dominant, and you seem worried that he may essentially overshadow yourself. If this is the case, all I can suggest is to perhaps see if you can't make yourself dominant over him. I'm not sure how you woul go about this, but if you can manage, it should help alleviate any anxiety the situation may be causing.

 

You could try to merge. You are correct that you probably wouldn't be yourself anymore, unless you decided to essentially dissolve him. You should be able to be more dominant at this point, but he would no longer be able to take control or communicate with you, as you would then be the same entity.

 

More relevant to tulpamancy, I have heard many say that tulpa that essentially had only a single purpose dissolved when they no longer were needed. However, even in these situations, I dont believe I have heard of them dissolving against the creators wishes. In fact, I an the only person I know who has had one dissolve against my wishes, although my situation was quite different from yours. In my case, the tulpa essentially was killed in the wonderland(for lack of a better word. A pocket dimension or something of the sorts might be more accurate), and never returned.

 

Worst case scenario, you should be able to reform him. However he would most likely lose all memories, and possibly developments such as ability to possess and some personality traits. He would be the same person, but It wouldn't be the same as it had been. In my case, if I reformed her it simply wouldn't be the same, having lost all memory of our relationship.

 

The final thing that came to mind is a long shot, but I figured I would throw it out there. Is it possible someone or something is sort of setting up a barrier between you? By this I mean, essentially, magic. You seem to look at this from a spiritual angle, so I think you may be more open to this kind of possibility. Someone/thing could have set up a ward between you that If not broken might lead to complete separation. I can't say I've ever heard of this happening, but something kind of similar happened to me. I mentioned the pocket dimension that mine went to when she died earlier. I tried to follow her there via astral projection, and couldn't. She had warded it specifically to block me, and I couldn't break it.

 

I'm honestly not sure how one would go about breaking such a warding if it is indeed in place, but if it is the case, then it least now you know, and knowing is half the battle. I would suggest researching circle magic, and if circles can be broken. Some sort of ritual to break a circle, if it exists, might just work. Another thought is that either you or He is putting up the ward, as was so in my case. I'm sure you wouldn't do it intentionally, but if you had somehow done so subconsciously, it should be simple to remove it.

 

And of course, if you don't believe in magick, you can simply ignore the last two paragraphs I suppose. Sorry for such a long post, was just writing as thoughts came to me as I racked my brain.

"Stress makes you bald, but it’s stressful to avoid stress, so you end up stressed out anyway, so in the end there’s nothing you can do." - Gintoki

 

~~~~~~

Tulpa: Hanako

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@ HazyM:

 

I like your advice and I find it helpful, but, I honestly have no idea what new meaning I could embed in him though. But I guess that's something for me to figure out on my own.

 

- - -

 

@ sushi:

 

I've had moments where I would push him away, and then he would forcibly return to me whenever I was in a deep period of self-loathing and suicidal daydreaming. Although, it's not like when I would push him away, he would dissipate, it's more like I was just refusing to communicate with him. Whenever he would forcibly return, I would feel this burning sensation in my chest, this deep anger that's not from me, but from him, and for some reason, going to take a shower would make me cry, but those tears weren't from my sadness, but his. It's weird how the shower would specifically trigger that though. I would also feel his energy slipping through, and trying to take hold of me, trying to take control of my body. Whenever I would be in such a depressing state, it's as if I'm more vulnerable to his influence. Him and I have a history of not getting along and it was only at the beginning of this year that we've gave a serious attempt at having a healthy relationship again.

 

I noticed that the topic mentioned 'memories', but a weird thing about me and him is that we don't have memories of Wonderland. When I'm in Wonderland while he's in control of my body, it's like I stop existing until he comes to see me, but even then I'm 'weird'. I don't act like my typical self in Wonderland. The same thing happens in the reverse situation as well. Whichever one of us in control of this body, we don't act the same in Wonderland, nor do we remember Wonderland whenever we take control of the body. We share the same memories. Only sometimes do we have a vague sense of knowing what happened in Wonderland.

 

I realize that I may not find much advice helpful considering the metaphysical nature of my situation, but I'm very desperate for any sort of feedback, even if it's only acknowledgement of my situation. I thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my problem.

 

- - -

 

@ Rævn:

 

I think I should admit that I've had two sets of multiple systems before, but these systems collapsed into my tulpa when I couldn't handle the stress as anymore; he was a system member himself. The collapse resulted in him having a larger portion of soul compared to mine. Note that in total, there were over 20 of us. I'm even entirely sure if I'm human or not because of how the systems came to be.

 

I've never been on any sort of medication. It's not that I don't experience depression to any degree anymore, but I've had a life-changing trip occur earlier in August, and because of that, I'm not angsting over past events anymore. My depressions is only mild whenever I rarely feel it come over me since August, and my 'default' mood has never been this positive before.

 

Oh, I did not mean to suggest that I'm uncomfortable with him being more spiritually dominant than I am. Just that whenever I feel his energy bleed into me, it's very discomforting because it results in me feeling less like myself and more like him. It induces an identity crisis within me. I'm the psychologically dominant one between the two of us. Although, I wish our souls were evenly portioned because I feel inhuman to a degree because of how small mine is but yet I don't want to make him feel any less human if I were to attempt to reclaim a portion of soul to add onto my current claim. I do feel more human when his energy bleeds into me, but then the identity crisis issue occurs.

 

I don't wish to dissolve him, I'm already so guilty that I brought him into this world to begin with because he was doomed to suffer. I already made my system mates suffer when they collapsed into him, I don't want anyone else to cease to be. He's important to me, and he wants to live. My body feels like a graveyard. I'd rather merging, even though his identity would still die, mine would as well, and at least then a mutual 'death' would be fair. I can't let him suffer alone.

 

I am trying to think of a new purpose for him, since this seems to be the root of the problem. I just don't know what it would be.

 

I do see this from a spiritual angle, I do not see my tulpa as entirely a mental entity, but more spiritual. It's not accurate to say that him and I are just separate consciousnesses that run on the same power and live in the same flesh. Our memories are very much the same, but our personalities, interests, and opinions are different. We definitely don't run on the same soul, it used to be whole, but now we each have a portion of it. I don't see why there would be a barrier between us, whether enforced by either of us or by an outside source. Him and I certainly love each other, and when he last took control of my body, he was just about crying from being unable to see me in Wonderland. We miss each other so much. If this barrier were to be enforced by an outside source, I can't imagine where it would be coming from or why. I'm not a significant enough person to have this much effort of wickedness be casted upon me.

 

I deeply appreciate your response, and I hope more spiritual-minded people help me as well.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I had a strange belief. First - I think Multiverse theory is completely right. Second, coming from first - I think, that all our ideas are actually things that happen in different universes. And from that point, it looks like tulpamancing is actually a low-level summoning/materialising of creatures from other universes. Yet in every universe, there is a bond for anybody in this or more others.

So, causes of your problem from my point:

First theory: wrong choice of your bond. I think it can actually destabilish connection. In that case, try repicking the personality and looks of tulpa, until it feels completely right.

And yes, theory of "tulpa for a purpose" doesn't feel legit for me.

Second theory: one bond can be accidentally chosen by more, than one man. This way you all with the same bond will get really bad connection difficulties. In that one, least possible, you can't really do anything.

Third theory: It could be just a sudden "disconnect". In that case, you'll need to not go desperate but continue forcing attempts to estabilish connection.

 

Well, maybe it was actually a scientific way to explain the situation, and it's not the most exact one. The most exact answer is only yours.

And may the fears keep away from you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@ Timofey:

 

I do not see my tulpa (I hate calling him this even, you can argue that he's more human than I am), as a bondmate. He manifested within me accidentally and I do not wish for him to be any different than what he already is. He is very human, he has his own flaws, things about him that annoy me at times, but in the end, his imperfections are what makes him perfect. He's my asshole of a tulpa and I wouldn't want him to be any less of a jerk-off.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@ Timofey:

 

I don't think it applies to me, it's not that there's a literal loss of connection between the two of us. Forcing communication is a very difficult process for us now, and it takes up so much energy. Our last communication attempt was discomforting for the both of us as our identities were not entirely separate. Somehow it's easier for us to communicate through taking this body back and forth from each other and message each other over Skype rather than through Wonderland communication. We haven't been able to talk to each other in Wonderland for two months now, my brain is not making the physical 'jump' that it does whenever an attempt is made.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

@ HazyM:

 

I like your advice and I find it helpful, but, I honestly have no idea what new meaning I could embed in him though. But I guess that's something for me to figure out on my own.

Well, I don't think this "meaning" is something you should actively search for. What I had in mind is something like this: you realise that he fulfilled that purpose of his yet you still don't want him to go, why is it so? I think the meaning is already here, and that is the meaning he has for you, you should just try to contemplate it. Honestly, I believe that "convincing yourself" part is the harder one here because of your negative mindset. If I understand correctly, the days of your traumatic past are over, yet you still cling to them. I'm talking about "my body is a graveyard" and "I only brought him to suffering" here. Your guilt is showing and you can't let it go, and while I am in no way a professional, this seems to me like unhealthy mental enviroment for both of you, and I wouldn't be surprised of this turned out to take part in your situation.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...