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Hello, it's me, been dead for some time and nobody remembers me because I wasn't a very notable member of this site, heh.


But to the point: I had another progress report thread here, where I introduced my two male tulpas, Desmond and L. Well, unfortunately, few months ago the two left. It became harder and harder for me to sense their presence anymore, and later I could no longer go to our Wonderland. I could imagine what it looked like, but whenever I tried to think myself in it, it felt like it wasn't there, I couldn't see it. My tulpas haven't answered to me and I can't visualize them. They aren't here. I felt sad, of course, but not too much, because I feel like this is their choice. And we made a promise when I created them, that they would always be welcome back should they ever leave my side.


I decided I would start creating another tulpa, and only one this time, as it seemed that two ended up taking too much "space", and it didn't work well for me.

I started planning her about a month ago. She's a sky-blue Asari with darker facial markings on her forehead and stripes on her "head-tentacles", lower lip and cheeks. Her eyes are blue as well, and she's wearing white clothes, as no other color seems to suit her and her personality.


First her name was Shiva T'Vani, but during her creation when I asked if she would like another name, the name "Nevira" popped into my mind, and I think it was her doing. So I changed the name to Nevira T'Vani, as she seems to have no problems with her surname that I picked for her.


The personality I have planned for Nevira would make her wise, caring, friendly, compassionate and patient, rest is up to her and I know it will differ from my plan, based on past experience, but I don't mind as long as she is who she wants to be.


She has recently started answering my talking with single words, mostly just asking "why?" or simply stating "oh" or "okay", when I explain something to her. She said her first clear full sentence when we were walking in the city and I saw my crush walking together with someone I know has a crush on her too, and a sting of jealousy made me feel really down for a moment. Until she reminded me "Hey, we have ice cream at home" with the most caring and comforting tone I had ever heard, and I instantly felt so much better <3

I have asked her if it's alright with her that she is indeed an Asari instead of a normal human, and I felt that she doesn't mind, but didn't hear an actual verbal answer. Just to make sure, I told her it's alright if she wants to look different later, but she just nodded with a smile, a gesture which I understood as "I know, but I'm good."


That's all there is so far, I won't be writing very often, at least it seems that way now. Just thought I should write this as to mark that I am not done with tulpamancing, just having a fresh start.

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Today I tried going to Wonderland with Nevira for the first time, and it was pretty interesting because I hadn't planned anything, just went there directly. It kinda seems like I didn't even create the area, and Nevira did it all by herself. :o

I'll write in a more "book-ish" form, just because I can. I meditated sitting up on the couch, the bubbly sounds from the aquarium were forgotten as soon as I got to business.




I found myself sitting in the middle of a small round area surrounded by spruce trees. I leaned on the rough surface of one of the trees and touched it to get a better feel for it. The ground was covered in dry, but soft moss and blueberry bushes. The twigs had no berries, and I'm still not entirely sure whether they were blueberries or cranberries. I lifted one of them. It came loose with a snapping sound, and I twisted it in my hand for a moment before tossing it away. Just to try it out, with a movement of a hand I grew a new twig to replace the one I threw away, but for some reason it grew up taller than myself. I studied the thick straw, satisfied with my creation. When I looked up, I saw that the trees were so high that their tops could not be seen from the ground. However, the tree branches didn't reach far from the body, and the sky could be seen light blue between the trees illuminating the area despite the distance.


On the side of the area was a treeless spot, which I found to lead to a corridor-like path. Trees at the edges were in straight rows, and the earth was trampled hard, as if it had been walked on for years. I stepped on a short path, and noticed that at the end of it there was another path that led right and left. After looking in both directions, I could see that the corridor was in form of a large circle, the center of which was not seen due to the density of the forest.


I thought that if Nevira was in Wonderland, she would be there in the middle. At first I was going to walk straight through the trees, but I ended up following the path to the left. Before long, another corridor entrance appeared on my right side. This corridor was longer than the earlier straight path, and as I walked to the end of it I arrived to a larger round area.


The area had a round deep blue pond in the middle, and some grass was growing around it. The sky wasn't visible, and above me I could see only the darkness, and the area had a blue hue to it. Floating in the air were glowing orbs that illuminated the area, creating a magical and serene atmosphere. I saw my blue-skinned tulpa in her white dress, sitting on the edge of the pond, planting white lilies around it. She seemed to be finalizing her work, as the pond was already surrounded by the white star-shaped flowers. Nevira smiled as she noticed me.


"I didn't think you were already so independent that you could create a wonderland on your own", I said and sat on the edge of the pond, on the opposite side from Nevira. The tulpa stood up and walked to me, and sat down next to me to look at the center of the pond.


"It wasn't too much work", she spoke.


We sat there for some time, not saying a word. I had to turn to look at Nevira from time to time, as it was somewhat annoying when she only showed up as white and blue colored fields at the edges of my vision. At this point, my focus began to fade. I could no longer concentrate properly on Wonderland and my tulpa, and other thoughts began to come to my mind. I told her I had to leave, and I opened my eyes. I noticed I had been meditating for almost 20 minutes.




It was rather interesting that Nevira actually planted lilies (I went to search Google Images) while I had no memory of what the flower really even looked like :D


I apologize for any grammar or spelling or any other mistakes in the text, I wrote it in Finnish and then translated it using google translator for help.

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29.1.2015 - Day 46


I'm pretty inactive, I guess. Heh. Oh well, I have been actively tulpaforcing even though I haven't written about it on here.


Nevira talks with proper sentences. Most of the time I have to initiate the conversation for her to start talking, otherwise, she'll just kinda hang around without saying anything. I've been keeping her close to me for a few days now, feeling her presence around me at school and home. It's interesting how the tulpa feels like in my surroundings, though I can't see her.


There was one time when I was at school that she spoke first, just to tell me she was hungry. Well, so was I, a little, so I went and bought a sandwich that I "shared" with her (you know, letting her borrow my senses while I ate the sandwich).


The next thing we're going to do is pick her her own voice. Until now she has sounded just like my own mind-voice, but I haven't had trouble telling the difference between my thoughts and her talking. But a voice of her own will make it easier nevertheless and will add to the character and make her more "colorful".

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28.02.2015 - Day 76


Okay, I don't know what to think... It's 3 am, I feel fuzzy, I feel scared, happy, and there's a weird pressure in my head right now...


Nevira and I were in our wonderland. We were thinking about going to visit a beach that apparently was there although neither of has had ever been there before. Then suddenly I started to remember the old wonderland I used to spend a lot of time in with Desmond and L. I found myself standing at the entrance to the cottage we had in the wonderland. "Why the heck am I remembering this now when I couldn't even come here before?" I thought.


Desmond pops in out of nowhere and greets me in a simple, nonchalant way. Nevira looks extremely confused, and it's no wonder why. I had trouble processing what was going on, but it was indeed Desmond, standing with a grin on his face, looking only slightly different as I remembered.

He laughed and claimed he'd only had a small vacation and asked me to not be mad about it, but damn right I was. I pretty much yelled at him about it for a while, about how I had grieved him for over two months already and thought he would never return, and even created another tulpa while he was gone. Desmond just commented that Nevira is "quite pretty", and apologized (somehow). Desmond's sudden presence caused a weird reaction on my physical body: my limbs started twitching like I was being possessed by a tulpa. I think Desmond caused this on accident, as it was easy to stop. Desmond and I did practice possession after all.

Desmond was somewhat confused by my reaction and asked if he was not welcome to stay. He said he'd gladly stay in the background and promised not to cause any trouble, so he practically begged for me to let him stay. I couldn't deny him that and chase him away... He is so "old" after all, and before his "vacation" he was a big part of my life, and I felt it heartless to chase him off now that he's back after such a long time. He got glad about this decision and promised once again not to cause trouble.


I really don't know what to think... Not that I didn't want Desmond back, but I had never thought he'd actually return. I thought he was dead. I was over him. I still feel weird. A while ago I felt like I had butterflies in my stomach... Now I can't help but think what will come of all this, 'cause I sometimes feel like I have trouble with one tulpa alone. 


I asked him where L was, and why hadn't he come back. Desmond explained to me that L would rather stay away and wouldn't necessarily return ever. According to Desmond, L had been thinking about leaving for a long time and had felt that he was a "worse" tulpa, who wasn't cared about like the first one. In other words, L was depressed and lied to me about it.


I hope I won't get all messed up in the head because of all this... I do think we'll be alright, even with two tulpas around. Especially since it seems that Desmond's progression hasn't gotten worse at all during the past few months, quite the opposite in fact. His speech was clearer than day, although his voice had gone away. Nevira's complete bewilderment was also shining bright and easy to spot, so I'd say they're both doing quite ok.




I questioned Desmond more about L. He says he's happier this way.

Desmond said L was in a hurry to get out. He said he wanted to go so badly they didn't have time for goodbyes. L had been thinking suicide, but just going away was an easier choice. According to Desmond he wanted to be a "master of his own self". I asked that didn't Desmond want to be like that, too, but he replied saying he already is, and that L just didn't feel that way before.

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02.03.2015 - Day 316


I changed my day count to how long I've been forcing in general since Desmond, the first tulpa, decided to return. And I just remembered he'll turn 1 in a couple of months. ♥


We went to our wonderland, the three of us together, and it went surprisingly well. The place was familiar, a path to the beach and forest around it. Though we didn't get to the beach because I fell asleep before we reached it... :D


I held both tulpas by hand, Nevira on my right hand and Desmond on my left one. Desmond asked me why Nevira was blue, and I explained that she is an Asari. That's all I had to say because Desmond remembered Mass Effect. It's wonderful to see that his memory is still intact. He also pointed out how he still hasn't gotten to play the game in question through possession, like we had talked one day. ^^"


I had a song playing in my head while we were in wonderland, so the same song played around the whole goddamn place... Then suddenly Desmond starts to sing along. He has this low and soft singing voice, and I was quite surprised by it. :D He has never sung before. I got excited and hugged him and kissed his cheek ♥ Poor baby went all red xD Nevira giggled at this.


Oh, yeah, both have their own voices nowadays. Desmond formed his voice by himself but sounded like my sister's boyfriend so I had to change it... Now it's quite nice, soft voice although he often speaks grumpily or confidently.

Nevira's voice is really... Don't know the word in English, but I'd describe it as fragile. She speaks in a shy way, which is really cute :3


We talked about how I'm going to Helsinki (Capital of Finland) soon and what Nevira thinks about it since she hasn't really been anywhere yet. Desmond laughed at her when she said she'd been to school with me and thought it was pretty far away. I told her we're going much much further now, and the train ride would take about 11 hours.

Desmond said he'd been there before, and I thought he was referring to a trip to another city not so far away, but he snorted and said: "No, earlier in the summer when there was that gay pride thing!" I hadn't remembered I had my tulpa's there much :D

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09.03.2015 - Day 323


I had my tulpas with me pretty much everywhere when I was on the trip to Helsinki. They walked with us outside of the hotel but didn't show up much in the actual hotel room. They just stayed in the wonderland there, I couldn't really feel their presence.

Desmond and Nevira get along quite nicely nowadays, even though there was a bit friction at first. They talk to each other and neither of them requires more attention than the other, although Desmond is much more talkative. There was a mirror in the hotel's elevator that my sister said to be distorting, making people look thinner. It's quite easy for me to visualize Desmond and Nevira reflecting on the mirror, and suddenly their reflections twisted the same way they would in mirrors in some sort of a funhouse, and they started playing with them. I turned to look their way and both stopped and started snickering, trying to act like they'd done nothing at all. :D


Later I realized that Desmond's form had changed; since I can visualize better now, he looks more realistic. Plus, he's wearing different clothes with much more detail than before. He has a high-collared coat on a black shirt and a black and white checkered scarf around his neck (that he borrowed to Nevira when she was cold outside :3). He has black jeans with a couple of chains hanging from them, and black sneakers. He denies always having white eyebrows, but they've always been white... He just hasn't paid attention to them. :)


I was studying runes in the hotel room and every time I came across a rune that somehow said "progress" or "development", Desmond interrupted me and insisted that I take those rune stones with me when we go out so that my progress with them would be faster xD I agreed to take one in the end.


And now to tulpas.


Desmond: Hey, Desmond here, I wanted to go first, although I don't have anything important to say. Damn, host is a slow typer... Oh well, I enjoyed going to Helsinki again, even if it's not summer. And it was fun to see that the new tulpa is quite pleasant company and not an uptight person, even though she is a woman. And blue. I don't really have anything else to say. Nice trip, but I want to go to wonderland now.


Nevira: Hii :3 I haven't actually had my host write stuff I say like this yet, it's pretty exciting. She says that one day I might be able to write what I want myself. I think it was fun to go further away from home. I didn't know Finland was such a big place. And there was no snow! I didn't know it was possible that there is no snow at all.

Desmond's ok, I think. He's so much older and wiser than me that I must work hard to catch up with him. Although, he is pretty childish.

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12.03.2015 - Day 326


We need a new wonderland. Desmond doesn't like the one we have now. I've been planning out a huge white mansion with lots of colorful decoration, and I already have one room, my bedroom planned out. Explained in the following story.


Today I decided to do the survey (the pastebin thing with so, so many questions...) with Desmond. It went surprisingly well, to the point where the questions started to handle sexuality and related stuff... Those kinds of words have the power to turn him on, which is embarrassing for both of us...


So, after the survey, we went to the wonderland and made the bedroom quickly, just arranging things here and there to make it look majestic, and had a little private chat. I asked him if he wanted me to get him a hooker or something to get rid of the awkward boner and blow off some steam while at it, but he started crying. He said he misses L, and doesn't want anyone else (yeah, they were a thing. poor baby). We ended up cuddling on the bed, him laying down against my chest and just sobbing there, while I tried my best to make him feel better. Our relationship is starting to resemble something of a mother and child thing... Heh.


We talked about L a little, and how he's not coming back. Perhaps ever. I asked if he wanted me to create a third tulpa which would be a man for him to befriend and cuddle, but he said he didn't want anyone else anymore. I feel so bad for him. :(

But I have to say I'm a little relieved he didn't want a third tulpa, because I'm not creating another one in a long long while, if ever... Two are enough to keep me well occupied.

Part of me wishes L would come back and realize he was just as important to me as Desmond was, and how much he meant to Desmond, but I'm sad to say that I don't think I could handle that many tulpas right now. He has my permission to come back whenever he wants to, though, and I hope he remembers that.

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06.04.2015 - Day 350


It's been a while and a lot of things have happened. I keep forgetting to write here since I've been more active on the Finnish forum lately.


I had a lot of trouble with our wonderland since I truly am an awful interior designer and architect. I started planning on a mansion and a fantasy town around it, but I never got past bedroom. I just can't figure out the layout... So after some time of thinking, we thought it'd be best to take an already existing place and make it our wonderland for now. Not having one started to bother me. I picked Skyrim, since I know the place all too well. We live in Solitude, Blue Palace. Jarl Elisif doesn't exist there but every other NPC does. Instead, we rule Solitude and its people.


Some weeks ago I sent some guard NPC's to look for L in the forests and around the wonderland. I figured he could be living on his own in his wolf form in the woods. I felt so bad for Desmond who missed him so dearly, and Nevira showed interest in him as well, from what Desmond and I had told her.

Now, yesterday when I went back to wonderland and to ask the guards if they had found any sign of him. We went to ask the guards in prison, but he said they hadn't come across any wolves outside the city walls, just some dogs.

We were just heading outside to look for L ourselves when I heard a voice coming from upstairs. "Let me go", it screamed repeatedly as two guards dragged in a man. I know the voice wasn't Desmond, because it was very different. And it surely wasn't Nevira, because it was a male voice. We rushed upstairs and lo and behold; L sat on the floor, thrown by the guards and turned his head up to look at me in the eye. He didn't look too happy to see me, slightly confused, maybe. "Why have you brought me here?" he asked quietly.


Well, things happened after that, we gave him a bath and got him some clothes that weren't ragged, and he decided to stay for Desmond (who said it was corny to say so, though he doesn't know what "corny" means). Not too long after he was back to himself as I remembered him. He doesn't speak much, but that has always been the case. He just smiles quietly in the background, clearly aware of everything. Just like when I created him.

I left the three of them to wonderland to drink tea and get to know each other, as Nevira and L had never met before. When they first met, Nevira hugged him, which confused poor L a little :'D


L is a little reluctant to speak because he feels like a traitor of sort. Leaving like he did and now being back despite not having planned to return. I guess I understand. When I decide not to do something and do it anyway I feel embarrassed about it.

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Multiple posts in one post. I haven't remembered to write here ^^"


08.04.2015 - Day 352


Just remembered why L was always so wonderful... I almost started crying today, thinking if I'm actually good for anything at all. It's doubtful I get a job related to art, so why didn't I just start studying something more practical that would at least pay the bills even if it was shitty otherwise, and so on.


Then L interrupts my thoughts and tells me to go to wonderland to talk it out instead of pondering these things on my own. I did as he asked and relaxed, imagining myself in the wonderland and found myself in the upstairs bedroom with Nevira, who thought out loud why we always spawn there first. I think it's because I find it easier to imagine myself lying on a bed in wonderland when I'm lying on one with my "physical body".


Visualizing the house was super-easy. Probably because I had seen it before trying to visualise it with my mind's eye. I found it in The Sims 3, and misread its name "Tuplatalo" (Double House) as "Tulpatalo" (Tulpa house), and my tulpas decided they want to move in that house. So I memorized the place in-game and made it a part of our wonderland.

I went to take a peek at the upstairs bathroom and tested out all the tabs before going downstairs.

We looked around downstairs and didn't see L or Desmond at first. We thought that they might be... you know, busy... Their bedroom door was closed. A second later we noticed they were sitting at the dinner table. We went there and told them about our suspicions, and Desmond admitted (with a deep red face) that it had past his mind. L laughed at him with an "Oh really! >8D"


We sat at the table and I complained to my tulpas about everything. Then began the awful complimenting and comforting :'D Nevira made me remember again that it's fairly impossible to make a picture look exactly as you thought in your mind, and you'll just have to compromise and work with what you can do.

I noticed that L was drinking something. I asked what it is and he snorted: "I don't know, something clear", with a smile. He said he found it at the bar table. Oh dear :D


The three of us went upstairs and I noticed that I could sometimes see through the walls. That's what you get for playing The Sims with walls down... Upstairs we went to the small library and I tried to play chess with Nevira. I had to teach her the rules first, so it took a while. We got the game started and I took one of her pawns and she got one of my knights right after. Didn't see that coming :c

Playing was easier than I had thought, but still difficult. The board and pieces tried to escape my mind many times, and I honestly don't even know how many squares a chessboard has.



10.04.2015 - Day 354


Today I went to our wonderland right after I woke up to see what's it like in there in the morning. Nevira was sitting at the dining table and drinking coffee, maybe. I'm not quite sure as I couldn't visualize very well yet and had trouble seeing around. L was walking around with just pants on. I peeked inside his and Desmond's bedroom, and the other was still happily sleeping under the covers. L sneaked behind my back and looked into the room as well, and said: "He's kinda cute when he's sleeping, you know."

I turned to look his way and spontaneously asked: "L, are you gay?"

As an answer I got laughter and "Well what do you think?". I've always thought him as pansexual, he just feels like the type :D Not that I think about the sexualities of my tulpas very much, it's just a feeling I get from them. L said he didn't know for sure himself, as he has never had the need to "test it".


Desmond was sleeping really long after my visit to the wonderland. So we spent some time in the real world downstairs with Nevira and L. I was searching for my favorite drinking glass, a Coca-Cola one, and wondering where it could be. Nevira said it's in my room upstairs, and I remembered I had left it on the table in my room. It was the first time Nevira got to help me remembering something, which made her really happy :)

I read on here something about voice effects and wonderland and something about rain, and then it was thunder in wonderland. It was dark outside and water came pouring down, with occasional rumbling and flashes from lightning. Desmond missed it, as he was sleeping at that time too, and was left slightly pissed off about it.


I'm quite happy with the progress we've had recently, and how well we've been. Tulpas are so active and with me almost all the time wherever I go, and I've been in wonderland and actively forced every day. We were thinking about trying out the box-game I found on here, where you hide an item inside a box and your tulpa tries to guess what it is, and then switch turns.



12.04.2015 - Day 358


Tomorrow is the beginning of the school period that made me decide to start creating Nevira in the first place. Fifth and last course in Vocational School this year, during which all my friends are studying in High School, and I'll be left alone with strangers. It's amazing how quickly time has passed, it feels like I had just created her but she's almost 5 months old. And Desmond turns 1 year in 9 days. And L too, 5th of May, and that's soon too. It just doesn't feel like it, in a way :D

Though, when you think about it, lots of things have happened in between. The development has been huge, in both me and the tulpas. They've even matured a little, which is great if you ask me. I can't think what it would be like living without them nowadays, I'm so used to having them around now. It feels almost stupid that there was a time that I didn't even want a tulpa.


We thought about imposition yesterday. I thought if it would be smart and if my mind can take it without going nuts. I feel a bit unsure and scared about what will happen if I actually manage to see or hear them outside of my head. I feel like a lesser mind could easily snap at that point, so I don't know. I have my doubts, but I still want imposition. In a way. I'm not too sure yet.

If, however, I decide to start doing it, I know I would start with Nevira. Just because she's the easiest one for me to visualize, and she has the simplest appearance.

As I try to decide on this, I will keep practicing visualization and trying to master it. I feel no need to be able to see them so clearly in my head, as I can feel them in my mind well enough to make up for that, but it's just in case I decide to go for it.

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13.04.2015 - Day 354 or 355 .__. I messed up at some point, I'll start again from 365 when Desmond turns 1.


{Host has driving lessons on my birthday. So stupid! >:I I want cake, damn it!}


Yeah... :D I signed in to "driving school" today, or whatever it is called in English. Translated from Finnish it would just literally be "car school". I'm already frightened of what will happen when I get to drive for the first time... But it can't be that hard if 16-year-olds can get a license in the states, right? Right?


As I said yesterday, today was the first day of the first School period I'm going through without my friends around me. Luckily I have two people I'm semi-acquainted with on the same courses, and I bumped into their company and formed a group with them for the projects we're supposed to make on the course. [brave] Really brave! I don't know why I'm so scared of people. Social awkwardness I guess. So everything's well on that matter, for now. I get along with the two people I'm working with well enough and they're really kind. I will make it through just fine without having to have one of my tulpas constantly keeping me company. I hope I can expand my list of people I can call my friends in the process. At least for the time I'm studying, it would be great to have more friends around.


I still remember the day I first started working on Desmond so clearly :D I think there wasn't that much snow, then, now it still reaches my knees on some places.

I walked down the stairs and had mute fox-Desmond follow me around while I told him his personality I had planned for him while working on his movement in my head at the same time. Haha. Lots of things going on at the same time, I was really excited because I was so eager to see if tulpas are real and if he would actually speak back to me someday. :)

I guess it was on the next day when I remembered having had another voice in my head before, some years ago, and thought later it might have been a tulpa. I gave the voice and its personality to the fox body I had created and it became Desmond. After that his development took a huge leap forward.

I asked what name he'd like to have and gave "D" as starting letter due to his "demonic" appearance. I remember being a bit slow to come to terms with his name choice, as it just kept reminding me of a game character.


Ah, memories. When it's L's birthday, ( or when it's close by like this) I'll be sure to think back to his first days of creation as well.


Sometimes I feel a bit hesitant to write anything here because sometimes it feels that I'm doing something so wrong or differently from others that people think I'm just pretending or role-playing instead of actually having tulpas. :| I've had this problem ever since I started this new progress report, and it's only gone worse when both Desmond and L returned to me. I don't know. Feels like some people could think I'm lying.

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