Jump to content

CM's Ramblings


Recommended Posts

10th October 2018

 

Desmond and I went shopping yesterday, with him on the front. It had been a while, and it has always been a good activity for us, even if he's a bit more impulsive with my money sometimes.

Although this time that turned out to be a good thing, because I had been meaning to buy a kitchen scale for the longest time, but always hesitated because it costs money and is not absolutely necessary to have. But now I have a kitchen scale. And a cutting board. And a heart shaped frying mold thing...

 

Desmond hates being shorter than his wonderland form when he fronts (he's about 5'9 while I'm just about 5'3), and it's one of his main sources of discomfort when in control of the body. Trying to reach something from the top shelf at the store, he said "I could reach that without you". Which I found funny because I know he meant the height difference, but because of the way he phrased it, I couldn't help but point out that he could reach absolutely nothing in the physical world without me.

 

It's also kinda interesting how he manages to appear both more relaxed and more "aggressive" at the same time than I normally do. Literally tossing things into the shopping basket, walking faster and with more confidence than I would, yet barely holding onto the basket with just a few fingers (it was the type you pull behind you) instead of properly holding the handle. And interrupting an ad going

"Did you know that-"

"Did you know that I don't give a shit."

Internally, of course. He still has a problem talking to people out loud, but yesterday he managed to both greet and thank the cashier! :'D

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 209
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

That's great! My tulpa is the other way around lol. When he was in front in my backyard, the AC fan thing turned on and he nearly had a heart attack, literally flinched away... but his superpower is how fast he can laugh and smile about it. It's so interesting to see how tulpas act in the body.

 

-J

The world is far, the world is wide; the man needs someone by his side. 

Our Thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

I mean, Desmond's not like that all the time, he's also easily repulsed and terrified of animals and bugs and will literally jump away from bees and such, even though I don't usually mind them myself :'D Everyone has their weaknesses, I guess.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

Was shopping again today, because I wanted to front but not at host's home because of all her animals.

 

She let me ride the bike when we left home. It was alright, I guess. But for some reason I failed to uhhhh get out of breath I guess is the right translation? Anyway, uphills felt really bad at first before it clicked that I should probably breathe more.

 

I didn't really have much to buy aside from dog food, host had food at home and I didn't want to waste money on something she didn't need. I thought I should buy her some clothing, she never does that on her own. Only owns like two pairs of pants and rotates the same old t-shirts over and over. Didn't buy anything but a wool poncho, though, the clothes in that store don't generally fit into host's tastes. We tried it on and fuck, I hate seeing reflections of the body when I'm fronting. At that point I'd already sort of forgotten that it didn't look like me and that it was a female body. I managed to avoid most of the discomfort by thinking of it like "I'm trying it out on her, this is not me", which is true but it still feels kinda shit sometimes.

 

Then I kinda just walked around looking through the store because I didn't want to leave because it meant taking host home and giving up the body because I don't want to deal with the animals. It was an ok trip, though, and I'm probably going to do most of the shopping for her from now on, as it seems to be good for both of us.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

16th October 2018

 

How to know for sure it's Autumn? Desmond goes from "I'm doing pretty good" to "I know no one cares about me, why do I bother" overnight. Ghhhhh.

 

Nothing new, and if past is any indication I'll soon be right there with him. At least when it's seasonal it's easier to separate depressive thoughts from thoughts that make sense. And since he goes first it's easier for me to take preventative action before things get out of hand and make it easier for both of us. And since I'm coming back from my general depression pretty well now, I feel like this shouldn't be as bad as before. If that kind of logic applies.

We've managed so far, we'll keep managing c: I'm sure it's going to be OK.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

17th October 2018

 

So, I told my psychiatrists about tulpas today. Despite saying earlier in another thread that I wasn't going to.

 

I totally didn't mean to, either, but I mentioned that all my friends are from a forum that doesn't really exist anymore (the finnish tulpa forum) and they asked what was it about and I just went "imaginary friends" hoping they'd drop it, but they started asking more and I ended up explaining tulpamancy to them.

 

They were pretty chill about it, they asked what mine were like and I gave a brief summary of each (probably the most unflattering description of Desmond I've ever given). My heart was pounding the entire time I was talking about them, and it was super uncomfortable, but luckily I didn't need to go into detail or talk about the relationships within our system or anything like that. One thing I did pay attention to was when they asked about them they asked if it's an "it" or a "she/he" (only one unisex pronoun in Finnish), which I guess might mean they don't think I'm absolutely crazy? I don't know. It was interesting, though.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

20th October 2018

 

None of us actually know if Misa ever feels cold, despite running around naked 24/7. During winter she covers her body in bark when she's outside, assumably to keep the cold out, but during cold Autumn months like these when there's no snow yet, she only has bark up to her elbows and knees. She doesn't complain, though, just sleeps outside in her cozy tree near a small pond in the forest even when the temperature drops below freezing.

L's been worried about it lately and one night decided to bring her indoors and tucked her in on the couch, where she snuggled in against the back of the couch and went right back to sleep. Since then, she's hung around the house during night time, and when she's not sleeping she's rummaging around the kitchen cabinets and drawers, eating things and leaving behind a mess she doesn't feel obligated to clean. She's always just done what she wants until someone tells her not to. Nevira is only slightly annoyed by the mess when she cleans up after her but doesn't mind it enough to say anything. It's still a change of pace.

 

I don't really have any real progress to update, but this was kinda cute so I wanted to write it :'D

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

22nd October 2018

 

I went through a pile of old tulpa art I've done throughout my whole tulpa experience, which is the past four years. I've improved so much during that time that I can't even show the oldest ones to people anymore because they're just so damn hideous in my eyes now. But shit, there's a lot of emotions and memories associated with the art and I can't help but get sentimental while browsing through. I can remember the conversations that led to some of them being drawn, the thought behind each and every one, the personality traits my tulpas had when the art was made... 

 

I always get emotional when I think back on how things were with them, I can't help it. :'D I love them so much. It's like watching your kids grow up, or at least how I imagine it might feel.

 

I might post some of them on my art thread later today (or tomorrow in local time, night-time and all that), but after I draw some new L references regarding his scars. I've been meaning to for ages. Not much has changed aside from my art skills, and that I've never actually drawn his legs and feet, so I just want the references to be more accurate for better visualization practices and to help the rest of the scars stick to where they are most of the time instead of somehow wandering around. 

 

On a much lighter note, I burped earlier today and Desmond mimicked me (because he's never done that before and he was curious) and managed to gross himself out enough to swear to never ever do that again.

 

Also, going through the tulpa art brought attention to the fact that one of L's scars goes directly over his right nipple, kind of erasing it entirely. This is also what's going on with his right eye. And it lead to the following conversation (edited only slightly to work better in English);

 

Desmond: "I wonder what other parts of your body might lose their pair like that."

L: "Lungs."

Desmond: "... Ew??"

Nevira: "Testicles."

Desmond: "NO! I meant like ears and external stuff!?"

L: "Kidneys."

Desmond: "STOP"

 

I'll try to get the references done quick and update them in the art thread. And some of the old arts.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...