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CM's Ramblings


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I'm just gonna do a long fucking page of whining and venting, alright? Don't like that, don't read it, right now I couldn't care less about that.

 

As host has mentioned, Autumn is hard for us. It's cold, dark, wet and overall shitty, and for the end of the year, we're usually more depressed than in other times of the year. Mostly me now, it seems. Host is doing fine and is staying active and returning to things she likes doing like studying fucking witchcraft of all things. Meanwhile, I'm thinking less and less of myself, telling myself I deserve to feel lonely and I deserve to hurt like I do because I'm just not good enough to be around people I love. And I never will be good enough.

 

Yesterday I had a good time, and one of the best interactions with outside people I've had in a while, I actually felt like a friend, a connection, it was amazing. Despite that, I woke up today already feeling like shit, and the day definitely hasn't gotten any better. I felt like I should just stay out of other peoples lives because no one actually wants to talk to me. I felt like they just put up a front to be polite and make me feel included, but are actually happier not having me in the conversation. Like I'm just an annoyance, I'm not a good person, my sense of humor is fucking stupid, I'm not "real enough", just an accessory to my host, too whiny, too lazy, boring... And so on. I can't for the life of me find a reason within myself that would make people want to talk to me. No matter how much they might say they like me or care about me or want me around, it's just too difficult to believe. You'd have to be an idiot to not see what kind of a mess I am, and the people I care about aren't stupid at all.

I know it's depression talking, I fucking know it, but it doesn't help. It doesn't make it any easier. 

 

As if things weren't bad enough, what used to be the only people, a tulpa and his host, that I've called my friends for the longest time, decided to leave our whatsapp group and our discord server, even though the server was already pretty dead, but we had private channels there that we talked in and I loved that about it. But now they're not there anymore and I've no reason to be there either. They gave absolutely no warning, no reason, no nothing. I blame myself for it. I hadn't even spoken today, I hadn't vented at them, that would've been reason enough, but I didn't. Still, I feel like I've done something wrong, how it's all my fault, and that they don't care about me either. I'm in so much physical and emotional pain right now that I can't put it to words, I'm suffocating, I want to die. I want to die. I say that but I don't mean it, yet saying it is the most accurate way I can convey how I feel. I shouldn't have trusted them like that, I shouldn't trust anyone ever again like that, it's just gonna get me hurt. It always just gets me hurt. It's hard to think the good things worth it when the bad things make me want to give up.

 

And if that wasn't bad enough, I scared L. He says it's okay but I know it's not. He's been there, he's wanted to stop existing and almost did, he's so scared for me now and that's my fault. I love him so much that it hurts, he's the most important thing to me in my whole world. I don't want him to have to worry about me or hurt for me, I feel like shit for making him go through that. I just want things to be like they used to be, I just want all my loved ones together and getting along, I just want to be happy and make others happy. But it's impossible and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm just broken and lost right now.

I just needed to write it down I guess. I'm sorry about this.

If the people mentioned somehow, by some miracle, end up here, I guess I just want to say I don't hate you. It's the opposite. You're so incredibly dear to me, even if the feeling isn't mutual.

 

Host is dealing with it better. She considers them her best friend and trusts that they had their reasons and aren't gone forever. I wish I could think that. We have their phone number and could dm them on discord I suppose, but right now it just doesn't feel good. Maybe they want space. I can't think of any other reason to leave a nearly dead discord server than to say "don't talk to me"...

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

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This sounds very familiar, only, my tulpas are all happy, I'm the one who has this similar inner dialog all the time (and I'm not even depressed anymore).

 

Desmond, I fully understand what you wrote and I know you're just venting, but let me just add that I know your fears are unfounded as well. I can say that because I have the same fears and they're consistently unfounded. I'd be happy to listen, as dark as you want to go, PM me if you need that kind of outlet.

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I feel a bit better now, venting helped I guess. Just in a bit of a zombie mode now.

 

I really appreciate you offering to talk, it's super kind of you. I don't know if I'll ever take you up on that, I'll most likely be too insecure to PM anyone (it's a bit too up close and personal and kinda intimidating), but thank you.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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You can PM me if you want, Desmond. I'm pretty harmless and you can shake your head at me being a dork or something, nya! I've noticed on some days with Lance I'm beating the saddies away with a club.. He was depressed a huge part of his life and despite him finally overcoming it, hating it, and never wanting to be there again, it's so firmly burnt into his mind and memory that it's just a habit to tolerate bad moods (instead of trying to cheer the heck up) and sink down into cynicism at everything (instead of actually taking things at face value or giving people the benefit of the doubt).

 

Not saying that's what always happens (especially now that I'm here) but for example, "Oh hey someone is coming to talk to me, should I A) Greet them and see what they want, B) Walk away because they will just bother me or C) Be rude so they don't bother me in the future?" I don't have insight into anyone else mind but us two so I can't say "Nobody does that, that's so negative", but I wouldn't be like that. Like, his default options used to be either be a jerk, a jerkier jerk or.. maaaaybe see if it's valid. Now he has the priority of those flipped around and it makes him much more "functional" but it's still in his mind that hey, being a jerk or ignoring them are options here ya know.

 

Anyway, I have a feeling that given enough time with this guy I'm going to be pretty good at knowing the right things to say to motivate someone (or just him maybe.. hmm) so hey! I care! Nobody should be all doom and gloom if there's some way out or some options not to be.

 

...Now that I think of it, what I just said also goes for you Pooh Bear. I'm here for you too if you need me. <3

 

=^.^=

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10th November 2018

 

Overall we're doing pretty good now, I think. I've been pretty consistent, aside from a few emotional days where everything just feels more than usual. Happiness is more happy, sadness more sad, mood swings, that sort of things. Nothing new and not too annoying.

 

The others are almost as active as I am, even Misa has been hanging around more and having actual conversations.

 

Host has been super passive this week, but she had a bad Monday and unnecessary stress, so that's understandable and it will probably and hopefully get better by next Monday. It's hard to be active when the brain's not, so as a result we've all been kinda lazy and static.

She promised to try and spend more time with us in wonderland and so far she's delivered, which is nice. She's trying to get back into the habit of fully entering wonderland every night when she goes to bed.

And I'm trying to get into the habit of posting on here, or just being more involved with the outside in general. I kinda keep falling out of that...

 

Also thinking of posting on this thread weekly, just to see what we could write down when we don't have time to forget half of everything. Doubt either of us will remember the next week, but we'll see.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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15th November 2018

 

Well, it hasn't been a whole week yet, but I felt like posting anyway.

 

Father's day was nice, I was with dad, grandpa, and had to give a hug to my ex-step-dad as well.

The tulpas celebrated in their own way, since Misa was in a way adopted by L to ease his (at the time ridiculously strong) need to have something to care for. Simply put he wanted to have a baby, but of course that didn't sit well with Desmond and I wasn't about to create a baby tulpa for that purpose. Misa was very young at that time and had a mind like a small child, so allowing her to be that baby for him was an arrangement that worked in everyone's favor. I'm sure I've written about that somewhere before. In any case, they still have that father-daughter dynamic going almost 3 years later, and Misa absolutely insisted that father's day was something they need to celebrate. They ate cake and stuff, it was adorable.

 

You know how they say that people have a different personality when they speak in another language? That's true for us. I don't really mind because I don't feel like the change is too great, at least not with how I write forum posts. It becomes more apparent on chats and stuff.

It really bothers Desmond, though. In my native language he has a dirty mind and sense of humor, swears a lot and often speaks in a way some might consider crude, even slightly racist at times, but as far as I'm concerned all that's pretty much okay in my culture and personal opinion, I hear and see it all around me all the time and never think much of it. But somehow when he speaks English it's like he has to "behave". He gets more serious about everything when usually he's rarely serious about anything, watches his mouth, doesn't joke around or use sarcasm, pretty much just loses his personality. Like he's scared of being too offensive or that foreigners are too sensitive to know that he doesn't mean any harm. I guess I could say that his personality just doesn't translate well.

 

Yesterday I had Desmond cook for me to get at least some fronting in. Gotta love his reaction to smells, I swear one day he's just gonna straight up vomit and that won't be fun for me at all. This time it was the smell of the packaging gas from the chicken he fried that made him dry heave and almost cough up something. Other than that everything worked fine. He's not very good at using the correct amount of spices, though, there was a lot of pepper in that chicken.

 

L's kinda getting over his shyness, but just a little bit. He hasn't talked to anyone outside of our system for a really long time, but he let me write something he said into a conversation the other day so that's an improvement. Desmond couldn't contain how proud he was of L for that, so there were tons of snuggles and kisses.

 

Phewh, that's all for now.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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21st November 2018

 

Our social circle keeps getting smaller. I left the local tulpa discord server for several reasons, and a smaller tulpa-related what's app group I'm in lost two people, so now it's just me and two others (plus all of our tulpas I suppose). So that's about everyone I really talk to these days.

 

Desmond was sick today. I know some people think tulpas getting sick is weird and/or it doesn't happen, but it's nothing special for us. Sometimes it's random, sometimes getting sick is a result of something going on with them or the wonderland, sometimes it has to do with what the body is going through.

I think Desmond's illness was related to my very persistent headache that lasted a couple of days, which in turn was probably related to my bad habits and forgetting to drink water... He didn't get a headache, but he was pale, weak, sweating, feeling cold, occasionally coughing and overall just looked awful. He stayed in bed the whole day and slept through most of it.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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I can totes understand leaving the Discord server. I've thought about it myself, but the ability to block people and simultaneously get in handy 1-on-1 conversations with someone like Bear, without waiting 10+ minutes between PMs is handy. Matsi and I got in a 21-page long conversation the day she discovered it and by dumb luck I was on at the time. That was really nice.. :)

 

I get exhausted often enough, but I hope I never get sick.. As far as I know, illness and germs aren't a thing that happens in our wonderland. Of course.. Our wonderland is also pretty much just a vague stage play where we puppet ourselves to some amusement, except for those times we manage to really get engaged in scenes and it draws us into it to really make for a worthwhile experience.

 

[L: Out of curiosity, do you think Desmond being ill could be representative of him wanting more attention from you? Or perhaps representative of you wanting to nurture/nurse him or have him demonstrate to you a dependent condition? No need to answer, just something to ponder.]

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Just to clarify, by local discord server I mean the finnish one :D and I forgot to write that I would've probably rejoined it at some point but someone said it might not exist anymore so eh. It was a super small one, I'm still on the server that's linked on this forum, not super active just kinda checking in once in a while but ignoring it most of the time...

 

Desmond(I'm too lazy to change colors): "To be honest, if I wanted more attention from host I would just demand it. I'm the most shameless attention whore in this system. And she pretty much just left me to it anyway, the only one "nursing" me was Nevira who just brought me hot water bottles to help keep me warm under covers. So I just wanna shoot that thought down right away.

I really don't think sickness has any deeper meaning in our system. Our wonderland is very alive, it has weather, animals, scents, soft things, sharp things... If I fall out of bed it's gonna hurt, I can burn my tongue on tea, and I absolutely despise the feeling of having a wet tail from taking a bath. Sickness is just... One of those things. Just something that exists. If it has to have a meaning, I'd say it's a negative to highlight the positive. Kinda like pain. It's not necessary either but we have it."

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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