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24th November 2018

 

It's annoying that when I'm most awake and want to get out of the house to do something it's already evening and the only place I could spend time in is the grocery store. I wanted to go somewhere today and have Desmond and maybe the rest of the tulpas as well accompany me while I was out, but it was already too late for anything and nothing was open. I thought maybe I could properly enter wonderland for a change, but I usually do that laying down on my bed and that's almost impossible nowadays. My dogs, especially the younger one, won't let me meditate in peace before bedtime. I don't know how they know, but unless I go to bed with the intention of sleeping they jump in and beg for attention or start playing on top of me.

Then I remembered that I have a sauna in my apartment and realized that it's one place I won't be disturbed in and an excellent place to relax. So I went with that and it worked out.

 

We didn't do much, just talked a bit and refurnished one of the rooms. It's a large-ish open room at the corner of the house, roughly the size of Desmond and L's bedroom with very large windows looking outside. The corner is practically all windows. I don't know what windows like that are called. Previously it only had a grand piano in it that Desmond plays sometimes, but we changed it into an upright piano to make more room and put in a small round table and two chairs, and a bench. Then we sat in that room and talked and played music, I had Desmond cover a few songs now that I was finally taking the time to immerse myself in the wonderland and could hear it better. I probably would've stayed longer, but my blood pressure tends to drop just a bit too much in sauna if I stay too long and I get dizzy and feel sick and I didn't want that to happen. But it's good to know that I can use it for wonderland stuff.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

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Ugh. I envy artists who actually like drawing.

 

I got the pen for my drawing tablet. I was excited until I actually opened the painting program. I have about a million ideas in my head but it's exhausting to even think about trying any of them. I tried to draw some things, didn't get past sketching. It's amazing how bad skills can get in such a relatively short time when they're not in use. The pen just feels strange in my hand and my lines are all choppy and weird and it's really frustrating. I'm disappointed in myself.

 

Nevira is becoming more interested in the outside world again. Don't know why, but that's fine with me. Desmond's can't help being a bit jealous 'cause he's used to being in the spotlight and getting the most attention since he used to be the only one actively seeking it. If she wants to post on here at some point I'll probably make her her own account, but not yet so that it's not just sitting there empty if she never decides to say anything after all.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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I have a love-hate relationship with art and I'm sure I'm not in the minority. My suggestion when you feel you can't achieve something and it really frustrates you to the point of not wanting to draw is seeking some form of inspiration and drawing from it. I find copying and even tracing are things that can help stabilizing your hand and style after a long break. Despite what most people say, tracing isn't bad if you do it solely for practice. It's a great way to learn actually.

~ We are Venny, the host, and Viper, my soul! ~

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I usually redraw old art when I'm out of ideas or draw from screenshots of video games as a kind of a study, but even when things seem to be going well I still get annoyed and scrap everything and start over and then it becomes a loop. Probably just gonna try and do 10-30 minute speedpaints for now, that way I won't have the time to start hating the art before it's done.

EDIT: No, nope, I was wrong about speedpaints. Today is just not a good day for art.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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I historically threw out 4 out of 5 drawings. Only recently have I been fighting the temptation because my drawing have been taking 3-4 hours, i just can't afford the time. Then somehow i get it to look right. Imagine taking an hour to get the line of a jaw right, i can't believe it took me that long but it did. I want to draw, but i have to rush past that feeling of crushing dread, i feel like I can't possibly do it, then i do and i can't stop laughing and it puts me in a high glowing state.

 

It wouldn't though if it was just me, like just me alone playing the guitar, it loses its impact. Posting here, hearing positive comments is a real boon. I do still get anxiety and dread though. I had it with every drawing i've done so far. It's like paying the toll. I love your art, I hope to see more of it soon, color is my next challenge.

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30th November 2018

 

It's kinda adorable how Desmond and L sometimes just speak tulpish to each other, mostly when it's gushy lovey dovey stuff. I think it's pretty handy to be able to just speak in meaning, feelings and thoughts rather than actual words, there's little room for misunderstanding that way. If I had a significant other I'd be almost jealous of it. Though, my brain tries to hear tulpish as actual sentences so on top of understanding what they're saying I hear it in gibberish, like something that's trying to be a foreign language but not quite. But it's ok, I think I prefer that over hearing "nothing".

 

Also, I had the weirdest tulpa dream yet. It was weird because there's no way in hell it would ever actually happen and everyone was just so out of character somehow;

NSFW in spoiler. So in the dream, I was in wonderland with Desmond, L and Nevira. I didn't think of it as wonderland in the dream, it's like it was the only existing world around. For some reason, Nevira gets the idea that she wants to

have sex with Desmond

and Desmond, the gayest gay that ever gayed thinks that yes, this is perfectly normal and a good idea let's do it.

So Nevira ties in him bed with a belt and for some reason has a penis and tops him, while L and I just kinda sit there like "yup nothing strange going on here, this is fine, who doesn't sit by and watch their husband/best friend get f'd by a blue alien woman"

and the whole thing was just so bizarre that I can't help but laugh at it now.

Later in the dream I found myself sitting in a random empty room eating bottom halves of bread rolls without anything on them, just dry bread, and some lady that I don't recognize comes in and worries about my eating habits, sits in the opposite corner of the room and starts eating the top halves that I didn't eat.

 

I know it's not much of an update but I had to write this down lol

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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1st December 2018

 

Desmond had a bit of an emotional spell this morning (which was kind of like evening to me because my sleeping schedule is upside down) and after crying for a bit took a nap with L, so I took the chance to spend more time with my other two tulpas.

 

Nevira and I lay on the bed for a while, just relaxing and getting more immersed in the wonderland and focusing on the surroundings better. Misa joined us for a moment, I decided to hug her. Then Nevira hugged her and then I did again, it was silly but fun. Misa smells like winter and pine trees, or just the resin. We talked about her hair and how it's tangled in a million knots and how she prefers to have it that way, claiming that untangled hair would be too much trouble to maintain.

 

I dared Misa to give a kiss to Desmond while he was sleeping. She kissed him on the forehead and woke him up, and gave another kiss when he was awake. She tried to say "host made me do it" but we all simultaneously realized that she has never actually called me anything at all, or at least not in a long while, so she stumbled in her words and decided that host was a weird thing to call me. In her confusion she tried "mom" but that's not something I never seriously want to be considered as. She ended up just calling me Saija, which is my real name. She's the only one that does that, everyone else has always said host. I feel like I have more getting used to it than she does.

 

I went to bed at around 8 am and woke up around 3 pm to walk my dogs. Nevira joined me outside.

Her voice has become less clear and quieter due to all the inactivity she's had. She didn't talk much, saying there wasn't much to talk about. I need to focus on her more to get her to liven up again. While I was making food for myself she complained about the state of my apartment and "made my bed" when I wasn't in the room. Obviously it was just a wonderland version of my bedroom that she showed me, I made the bed myself when I returned to my bedroom.

 

It's 1:30 am of the next day as I'm writing this and I'm annoyed because I have no food aside from instant noodles and eggs at home right now and no stores are open. So I don't know if I should go shopping before I go to sleep in the morning or risk accidentally waiting too long after I wake up and then it's past closing time again. It's weird to be up like this.

 

A useless edit: I ran out of Earl Grey and I'm left with the tea that smells like Desmond and I'm not even mad

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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  • 5 weeks later...

Sort of replying to this thread here because I didn't feel like it was appropriate to be gloomy and depressing in such an overall positive thread, but it raised some thoughts.

 

I don't really have any "real" new year's resolutions. I'll try to finish at least one draft of my several book projects so that I can get to actually working on it, but I doubt I'll get that done in a year. I always fail at these things.

 

Other than that I'll just try to stay alive for another year and maybe get my financial situation more stable with a semi-permanent sick leave/early retirement for my mental health issues because I'm not good at life and it's gotten to a point where I'm sincerely uncertain if I'll see 2020. It feels like it's getting better and then it just doesn't. Suddenly there's a drop deeper than the last one, over and over again. I've given up on the hope that I'll ever get out of it. I feel so hollow and alone in my head because depression pretty much shuts everything down, tulpas included. It's too hard to focus to communicate with them and most of the time it's hard to care enough to try. It sounds harsh and it annoys me, but I just can't find it in me to give a shit about anything or anyone right now.

 

Of course I still think about my tulpas. A lot of things remind me of them in my day to day, it's inevitable at this point. I just feel like there's no connection and I can't get a response. Every now and again I manage to get something through, Desmond managed to front for maybe 2 minutes the other day but then he was swallowed back behind the dark and hollow that is my mind. Those times are so small and unremarkable that they barely feel like anything.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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