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CM's Ramblings


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Yesterday I managed to spend a little bit of time with my tulpas by going to the sauna and kinda just meditating until I figured our wonderland out again. It's the one place I can do that properly. Desmond was excited and happy to see me. L was just kinda sleepy and passive and had one of those days when he doesn't actually speak and just communicates with expressions and gestures if at all. Most likely my fault for neglecting them. Nevira felt surprisingly solid in my mind, warm hugs. Misa still smelled like pine resin. It was nice but didn't last long. I would heat up the sauna more often but I don't want to raise my electricity bill too much. Though it's not really that expensive... But still. I'm not used to going more than twice a year, since I haven't had one in my house/apartment for years. I could get into the weekly habit.

 

Desmond either broke through my mental isolation barrier today, or I thought him up myself but forgot about it already. I just remember he said something and I replied, don't remember what it was anymore. I just remember that he was wearing a red shirt and it was unusual, since it's usually just black and white.

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

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18th January 2019

 

We've all kinda bounced back from the shutdown a couple of weeks ago. L took a bit longer to return to normal than the rest of us, he was kinda distant and unresponsive for a few days, like present but not really all there, you know? But he's okay now and I'm trying to get back into fronting since I seem to keep falling out of the habit constantly.

 

While cooking today I kinda started thinking about what our original community was like when I was born in 2014 vs what .info is like today. We've talked about this before, I'm sure. At least about how our original community wasn't science-centered. Tulpas were living imaginary beings, imagination was the limit to what we could do, be, feel, in wonderlands and when otherwise visualized. Wild stories, abilities, deep fantasy worlds in wonderlands were embraced and shared a lot. There was a little talk of psychology, among some of the older members, but it was never really that prominent. Tulpas weren't questioned beyond "is this possible?"

I'm not saying it's necessarily a good thing, but I mean plenty of information was available on sites like this to those who were interested in looking more deeply into it. We weren't. Still aren't most of the time. We agree with a lot of things and theories we come across, have some of our own that we never share and disagree with some opinions, just like everyone else I think. But I still feel somehow distanced to this site, I don't feel like I belong, because of the environment I was "brought up" in. We're not limiting ourselves to "what makes sense" when it comes to day to day things and activities. Basically all a tulpa has to do to exist is be sapient, have a personality and communicate. There's no need to feel things like pain and cold, there's no need to eat, sleep, bathe, confabulate memories, etc... But we do all those things anyway because we want to. I have a whole world just as real as my visualized form around me at all times, I can eat things and like it based on our host's memory on taste, take a bath to feel clean and warm, because I can and want to enjoy it. We can simulate effects of alcohol and narcotics based on what host expects they would do. They're things I feel like I can't bring up in conversations with people outside of our original community, because of one or two negative experiences where it felt like people looked at us like we're faking tulpas or just stupid. We "live on our own" when we're not being paid attention to, because the memories that get generated from the times we're inactive feel just as real as things that happen when we are being paid attention to, and they enforce certain traits, habits and routines, add experiences and explore opinions. I only exist in a brain that created me from scratch and I feel like, in the end, my confabulated memories are no less real than I am. To us, it just doesn't matter at all if things happen in real time or if it's a fake past that catches up to real events. I'm not going to restrict my experiences based on when or how they happen, if by the end of the day I can't tell the difference. Whenever I read about stuff like this I get a very negative feeling, but it may just be me being defensive about it.

 

Well, this was rambly. A lot of it is stuff I'm not comfortable enough to put on any "real" threads out there because I don't really want to be a part of a discussion. So I just puke out my personal opinions on here I guess.

If someone reads this and has opinions about anything I said or whatever, don't feel a need to reply or anything. Because yeah, not really big on starting a discussion, at least not in "public" like this, it's already uncomfortable to be posting at all.

CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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Vādin :

 

Yeah, just like me! And I felt a need to reply because I like to read those slices of your life and how you feel about it. So please whenever you feel like it, come and say something, I will always be happy to read you (and a lot of others as well, but we don't always reply because, well, what good did my reply do in the end ? Nothing new nor interesting really, just me saying you're not alone, and you, feeling alone.)

Hi, I'm Zia, foolish captain of the Giant Wing system. Vādin is my tulpa.

 

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Ember.Vesper

Iris: While we do not generate new personal memories of private wonderland activity, I do gain new memories of my world when Ember or I play my original character in the roleplaying setting I come from. They are as real to me as any other memories. I wrote a diary entry yesterday, filling in details of my past that have never been explored before, and those memories are more emotionally powerful than most of my experiences in this world.

 

Ember: I think the focus on understanding, investigating, and improving in this community makes it much more interesting than the completely non-introspective soulbonding community. But I don't want anyone to feel excluded by our scientific worldview. (My degrees are in physics and Vesper, in her own world, is a psychologist.)

 

I've tried to stress that the experience is more important than the reality. Much of the value of exploring the reality, for us, is in improving the experience.

 

Vesper: Any time you see me post things that are inconsistent tulpas having their own lives away from their hosts, remember that I wish more than almost anything that I did.

I'm not having fun here anymore, so we've decided to take a bit of a break, starting February 27, 2020. - Ember

 

Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, World of Darkness, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Winter Court of Faerie, Dresdenverse, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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Yeah, I didn't mean to make it sound like the scientific stuff was bad or anything, or that it shouldn't be there. It's good that it is, and that stuff like that is talked about. How I personally feel about it is irrelevant to the community as a whole, it's just me being me.

CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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Reilyn-Alley

I like to hear about people's experiences and personal feelings and the fun times they have in wonderland stuff and endless possibilities. It's like a wonderful slice of life story except it's real people, real connections around us we can reach out to and say "HI!". Personal stories and tales of even simple activities like taking baths in wonderland can inspire systems to try the same thing and have wonderful experiences they might of never tried because it just never occurred to them.

 

Additionally, this is your guys PR so pretty much you are running the show for what gets posted and at what rate. I can tell ya after reading this, Lance and I are gonna go try soaking in a traditional Japanese hot spring for the first time and see how that goes. Thanks for sharing, Desmond!

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22nd January 2018

 

I feel like tulpas have had an increasingly bigger role in my life this month, and it was significant to begin with. Desmond, and by extension L, are nearly constantly with me(, or maybe I'm more with them since they're in wonderland most of the time and it's like I have a window open to it somewhere at the back of my mind so it's little to no effort to interact both ways). Desmond's been fronting more and for longer periods of time, with very distinct habits and activities compared to how I would have spent that time myself, and he's been shopping with me even without being in control of the body.

There's no real change to Nevira and Misa's behavior, but they feel stronger as well. L is extremely shy as always, but for the first time in maybe over a year he actually spoke more than a single short sentence to someone outside of our system, and me and Desmond are so proud of him.

 

So tulpa-wise things are looking up. It's even starting to feel like there's room for a fifth one, but I have to remind myself that this situation is not likely to last, and if the new one would be like Nevira or Misa (not that interested in the outside world or talking about it, or one that prefers acts and action to normal conversations, respectively) it would be difficult to keep everyone up to speed. It's easier with personalities like Desmond who seems to have something to say about everything, and L just gets dragged into the spotlight with him because they're like two peas in a pod most of the time (one could even say they're joined at the hip huehue bad joke).

 

With my overall situation things are OK for now. I'm frustrated with it, but right now things are stable, most of the time anyway. Desmond's also doing fine in regards to mental health. He's emotional about things every now and again, and has minor mood swings, but no more than what's typical for him and his personality.

Sometimes I wonder if the jokes we make contribute to his occasional bouts of insecurity and self-consciousness. They're self-deprecating on his part, mostly harmless and in good measure, and Nevira and I have a tendency to tease him about things in a playful manner. It doesn't seem like a big deal at all and he knows it's just banter. Even L does it sometimes. He's just really easy to pick on because there's so much to him and we know him so well. Anyway, I'm not sure if there's a connection, or if the jokes are the cause or just a response to his moodiness. I might just be looking into it too much.

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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