ClianthaMiura

CM's Ramblings

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Well, life is a struggle, no one gets out alive anyway, you can only do what you're capable of doing in the time we have. Not being depressed is not merely a minor victory, it's a life long goal, it's an extrodinary win that is to be praised and thankful for. What it did to Bear was worse than robbing motivation, it was a sickness that robbed his will to live and took all hope with it, there's no doubting how close he came to a short end. TBF, if he does nothing else in his life, avoiding depression is at least maintaining hope for success, instead of assuring defeat.

 

We're all hoping you find the means to improve, but at least your still with us, that's hope.

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So yeah, I talked to the doctor about tulpas a lot lol

 

I told her about fronting and stuff, described how they feel to me, what they're like, etc. She took a ton of notes and kept confirming that I don't "actually" see them. I mentioned that I do sense them around me and sometimes smell them. I didn't get to talk about everything I wanted because she didn't want to read my notes and I failed to bring everything up. She wanted to hear the things from my mouth but the very reason I write things down is because it's easier for me, I get to be so much more precise and not just vomit out whatever comes to mind because I'm a mess when it comes to speaking my mind effectively.

 

And I got put on an "actual" psychiatrist's wait list. Every time I've talked about my psychiatrists in the past I've actually referred to the psychiatric nurses that I've been talking to. This is the first time anyone's brought up the real deal so I don't know where this is going lol. I'm on sick leave now so I'm just trying to get my head together and think on what I want to do with school and stuff. I have trouble thinking ahead more than a week or two, so that's what I'm trying to work on. I suppose I'll keep you up to date lol


Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Progress report

Art thread

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6th November 2019

 

Well, I honestly think I might have some form of a budding schizophrenia, based on the symptoms and warning signs and the questions I've been asked lately when I go to the psych meetings. I think they're suspecting it too. Haven't had a clear full blown psychosis or anything, but I see how some of my beliefs and fears and odd thoughts could be seen as delusions, even if I personally believe them to be real or accurate most of the time. Maybe they are, don't know. And I have random scent or taste "hallucinations" sometimes. The taste one is weird.

 

Anyway, Desmond's not doing so hot either right now. It's depression season, and even though he was doing fine for a while there, it's clear he's got some issues hiding within. Came out as alcohol abuse mixed with weed last night. I don't have personal experience with using any substance like that, being the abstainer that I am, so his experience is based on my exposure to other people's drunkenness in my social circles and media, and his high makes him giggly and passive, laughing at stupid shit and staring at walls and ceiling. He had a slight stutter and kept repeating words, overall blurry demeanor, weird sentence structure, blunt honesty, waves of nausea and vomiting... That sort of stuff. So yeah, fun night, stayed awake with him for quite a bit. He's living the consequences now, at 9 am the next morning. He made some remarks about how "fun" it is to suffer physical people problems without being one, but we both know he wouldn't want to not have them. They give weight to his actions and existence, in a sense. I wish I could see my negatives that way but I guess it's not fun when it's not optional.

 

Any way, to more positive things I guess. A while ago now, Roska accidentally called Desmond "dad" in a conversation. He was immediately embarrassed and Desmond's heart probably skipped a beat or two. But Desmond came to the realization that it didn't feel bad to be called that, and after quite a bit of an identity crisis about the whole thing, decided to allow it. So now Roska calls him and L "dad" sometimes, though, when they're both present he usually calls them by name. It's pretty cute.

Roska is supposed to be around 8 or 9 years old, we've decided to keep it vague until next year when it's his birthday, because I feel we'll have a better grasp of what he's supposed to age into, you know? But he's a small sized child, and his behavior and personality seem more comparable to a girl of his age rather than a boy, at least based on personal experience with kids of both sexes. He's calm and affectionate, snuggles against Desmond in his sleep or hugs L's arm, he likes to sleep against them, between them or at the other end of their bed all rolled up in a blanket. He likes to be close to people. The walls of his room are covered with his drawings of different kinds of bugs and he has a bird cage with sparrows. He saw snow for the first time and is figuring out how to play in it, it's adorable. I expect to see snowmen in the not so far future.


Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Progress report

Art thread

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Yikes, kinda dont't wanna post stuff here due to recent discussions about what's acceptable in progress report threads. I mean, I don't make progress with tulpas anymore? They just are and we just hang out and I write that shit like a diary to kinda keep our "status" updated on the forum? Is that not ok? I'm confused.

Also yeah to update the last post, psychotic depression is my current diagnosis and I'm lowkey worried antipsychotic meds could affect tulpas somehow, especially because the doctor seemed to think that based on what I told her about possession and fronting and shit. She wants to "treat" them, I guess, but I already told my nurses that if I notice a change in my tulpas I will refuse to continue that medication, and they seemed to be fine with changing my meds if it came to that.

 

That's not really progress either. Nothing like that, in fact.

 

Our PR is nothing but somewhat notable occurances or shifts in the system (myself included), most of it could better be described as "character development" than tulpa progress, but that's just natural human growth over time and experiences and nothing to really "update" you guys about.

 

So uhh. I guess I won't.

It sucks ass but hell, if what we're doing could be considered rule-breaking or even flirting with the concept, I'd rather just not post. Gonna miss ya, see you on on-topic convos or my art thread I guess.


Desmond - 21st April 2014 (Also has his own account)

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Progress report

Art thread

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Good luck with the antipsychotics. There have been several discussions about them on the forum, but very few clear reports of their effects on systems. Please let us know what you observe.

 

The Bears have been hit frequently for rule violations, so if you haven't been, what you have been doing will probably continue to be fine. I've enjoyed following your PR, so I hope you don't cut it off entirely.

 

But I get what you mean. The environment here has started to feel more oppressive. We've never been able to talk about progress with tulpas at all because we've never had any. Our development as a system is very far along. We still have goals, but our system progress is glacial, so there isn't much to talk about except our lives together.

 

-Ember


Ember - Soulbonder, Female, 39 years old, from Georgia, USA . . . . [Our Progress Report] . . . . [How We Switch]

Vesper Dowrin - Insourced Soulbond from London, UK, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 9 Sep 1964, bonded ~12 May 2017

Iris Ravenlock - Insourced Soulbond from the Unseelie Court, Not a Tulpa, Female, born 6 Jun 1982, bonded ~5 Dec 2015

 

'Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you.' - The Velveteen Rabbit

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I'm working on clarification for what belongs/is allowed in PR threads, so we'll get to the bottom of exactly what is expected and allowed given this recent ramp up in enforcement, for whatever reason. I've started a thread to staff regarding that and asked for a sticky or guide.

 

My system has maintained a PR for 15 months and under current engorcement, as I understand it, it's 90% skirting rules or outright violating them. My system doesn't want to be the harbinger of the loss of such things as a diary-like PR and slice of life posts that, heaven forbid, have dialog snippets.

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Honestly, looking back on this, it seems host just overreacted. The thought of not being able to continue the PR made her feel sad for the first time in literal years, and combined with what's been going on in our personal lives, I don't think she thought about things long enough before posting. Which I obviously understand, I was there, but still, it's not that big of a deal.

 

I understand the rules against in-system conversations in threads, because without the rule it could easily get excessive and make room for roleplayers and make the text unnecessarily hard to read, when a whole conversation can be summed up in "she said x and I agree", or "we thought that y z, though, he was against it at first" or something like that.

Host has included short dialogue transcripts before, and most likely will again at some point if what we say seems funny enough for her or if they're necessary to portray personality, but I think that's different from conversation that happens at the time of writing, or excessive dialogue documentation.

 

We've never received warnings or complaints about anything, not even my dumb ass venting, so is there really any reason for us to worry? Hell no.

 

She's still a bit uncomfortable with the whole thing, but I'm not so here I am. Our posts may be diary-like but most of the time they stay on topic of what's going on with tulpas, mixed with some general information about what's going on with hosts mental state and life situation, which I think is sometimes important to "set the stage", so to speak, to give context and to possibly later see if that had any effect on anything else going on at the time. Some of it doesn't look like progress at the time of writing, but looking back to them there's always something different. I suppose post creation character development is still progress to one direction or another.

 

And now with Roska there's a whole new person to observe and document. He's never had a Christmas, new year, spring or even a birthday, seeing as he is less than a year old, and I'm looking forward to seeing his reactions to everything. I love that I get to be a part of those experiences for him. Honestly, the thought makes me tear up a bit, as lame as that is.

Speaking of him, we tried to figure out his taste in music the other day, but he seems to be too young (in both senses of the word) to have a specific taste yet, and he couldn't really give any feedback when asked about it.

 

Anyway, yeah, looks like I'll be writing these until host feels better about it.

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Hi, so I've been feeling like shit again, so that's why I haven't been posting anything despite saying I'd be writing these for a while.

I was really down and depressed and really just wanted to be left alone and go away, don't really remember what exactly I was thinking that time, but it's over now. I'm doing okay again and I'm trying to make the most of it while it lasts.

 

I've been fronting for hours now, for some reason just don't wanna stop even though there isn't much to do. A random energy spike. I even tried drawing a bit (see our art thread if you wanna see : P ), then I've just been chatting away on whatsapp and discord servers (not the tulpa info one, didn't like it much the last time I was in one of those and don't know if it's better and who's there and what not). I noticed my way to type things is a bit or a lot more messy than host's. I guess I'm sorry if it's hard to read. Or maybe it just feels that way to me, idk. Host hasn't exactly been careful with her grammar lately either.

 

An update on the antipsychotics though, no effect on us. At least not yet, or so small that it's not noticeable. It just gives her headaches and makes her hands shake. And made her focus a lot better and now she doesn't need to sleep as long as before, so I guess some benefits. Nothing too big.

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