CM

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So, long time no see. I honestly just didn't feel like checking the forum even mattered, been feeling super depressed in a sense that everything is just pointless and I get nothing done because of it. I still probably won't read through anything that's been written since our last visit, but I thought I'd update on how our system's doing.

As for me, I had the most horrible Christmas time since never, it was afwul. The antipsychotics caused some instability in my mood if I took it in the morning, causing me to be fine one moment and then suddenly feel so empty and miserable that I legit could not see in front of me. I had some sudden attacks of "mania", just intense anger that made me want to chop my own fingers off. Since the morning dose was stopped I've been more consistently grey and passive, which I frankly prefer. The highs weren't worth the crashes that came after with those meds. I still take them in the evenings, and they also make me kinda sleepy, and every time the dosage is upped my sleep schedule does a 180 'cause I sleep like 16 hours in one go and still find time to nap. I don't know if they're doing anything besides that, I guess the doctor doesn't either since they keep raising my meds. At this point I'm only eating them to prove them that they don't work, I've long since given up on the thought of getting better and it doesn't really matter to me anymore.

 

Desmond and L had the best Valentines' so far. Somehow, because they started planning the day ahead of time, the build up to it was full of just this dumb romantic, loving, cuddly warmth. They've both been sleeping a lot due to my own inactivity, and the rest of them don't really do anything either. Desmond had another short insecure and depressed phase recently, but I seem to only remember it because it made L stick by his side 247 taking care of him and it was kinda really sweet. The rest of it is completely slipping my mind right now, which is a mild inconvenience I guess.

 

Misa or Nevira haven't really been active during recent months. They've made some appearances, but for some reason it's the menfolk in my head that get the most activity out of it.

 

Roska is doing pretty great. He's decided that he's turning 10 next summer, so he had a very small growth spurt just recently that he was very proud of. He still sometimes sneaks in to sleep next to Desmond or L. He's been getting some pets in wonderland, most notably a white duck named Marmeladi (marmalade). He also has a bird cage with sparrows in his room, and he's upset that he can't just have every animal as a pet at once because they're all awesome. So far he's wanted a snake, bats, a baby kangaroo, and one other thing that I can't remember anymore but it was large and I think something he wanted to ride. Not a horse lol. He still absolutely adores birds of all kind and likes drawing bugs and collecting pretty rocks.


CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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17th May 2020

 

I've seen a psychologist to get a better idea about my depression and to check for personality disorders and see if my "sense of reality" or whatever is intact. She said that based on the results of those meetings I can be diagnosed with schizoid and schizotypal personality disorders. We talked about tulpas some, she had some questions every now and then after I explained what they were, and she did her own research as well. She didn't make a big deal out of it, but accepted it into the discussion with an open mind, something that Desmond was very appreciative of. She noted that I have dissociative symptoms that shouldn't be present with tulpas, according to what she had read, but we didn't find any trauma to explain the "structural dissociation of the mind", like she put it. Stuff like minor amnesia, derealization and depersonalization. She wanted me to continue that discussion at a psychiatrist appointment I have almost a month away.
We tested my cognition and stuff, and unsurprisingly to me, I have a shit working memory, difficulties staying focused and bad math skills, but my visual processing is well above average. She wrote: "The challenges with working memory are surprising, considering what it would take to constantly carry around tulpas and the imaginary world around them, for it to be fully conscious."
According to her, schizotypal disorder plus my depression are enough to consider retirement, but due to my young age (23) they're not likely to grant it. I'll have to go along with rehabilitation plans and treatments, possibly several medication attempts, until they believe there's nothing to be done. I've already given up a while ago. I know the doctor who first gave me antipsychotics is probably trying to treat tulpas with them, but the psychologist agrees with me that they're not likely to have an effect. Nonetheless I'll probably have to try another brand, I quit the earlier stuff because it really didn't do anything aside from making me sleep too much.

 

I'm kinda forced to seek out new information about stuff because of Roska and his childlike wonder. Stuff like "do bugs breathe", "how do birds decide they're a pair, how do they know", "what causes hail". We had a fun day outside after my last psychologist visit, we went to watch ducks by the river. Thanks to the whole corona business, public transport is so limited that I had to spend the whole day in the city just for that one hour-long appointment, so we just got some food and sat on the ground watching great crested grebes doing their mating dances, and duck pairs just chilling and diving around. It's kinda sad how he seems to be experiencing the whole world for the first time and realizing what it means to be a tulpa and unable to truly interact with everything without controlling the body. He wants to pet everything and talk to the birds and he's a bit bummed that they can't hear him. I've picked up some rocks for him when we walk near the shore and he spots a nice looking one, and left bread pieces out for birds to snack on to sort of make up for it, and he seems happy.
Desmond and L have thought about possibly having another kid at some point in the future, though not anytime soon. Roska is the main focus right now, and nobody wants to rush things, but having him around and being called "dad" every now and then has really softened him to like the idea. I'm not against it, as things are surprisingly stable and every tulpa has found their place and their preferred amount of activity, but it would have to be later because Roska is still very young and very new to everything, and I want him to be able to experience things properly before any potential sibling comes around to suck up attention and complicate things. So that's far future stuff for now.

 

Other than that, I suppose we're doing fine. It's late spring, which almost always means I'm in a better place mentally. I'm doing ok but no major changes, but I've been able to properly play video games again.


CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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That sounds like a nice accepting psychologist. Glad you're doing okay now


Hi! I'm Matsuri from Unicorn Cavalry, but friends call me Matsi. I share this head with Xar, who is the original host, and Kurisutina. I like timey wimey stuff and blue boxes. Make it timey wimey blue boxes and we're set to explore all time, forum and space!

 

>Come talk, ask or just casually vibe with us

>Season 2 Progress Report

 

"Does anyone know this song? It goes: ue ue ue, heeeeee, Kalinka Kalinka Kalinka x3"

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Like we posted in the art thread earlier, Roska has grown wings. He's been watching and admiring all kinds of birds for so long now and suddenly realized there's nothing stopping him from learning to fly too. So he decided he wants to have wings, but because he's such a shy and... well, not insecure but maybe cautious, he felt the need to ask for permission from host, me and L separately. As if any of us would've told him no lol. He's been learning how to cope with two extra limbs now and trying to figure out flying, lots of falling and one collision with a window later he knows how to get up in the air but coming down smoothly is still an issue but he's getting there. He's been having a lot of fun with it, it's nice to see. His wings are completely black feather wings, he tried to experiment with different colored feathers and arrangements, markings and what not, but couldn't come up with anything better than solid black. It's hard to believe that in about a month he's been with us for a full year.

 

In the meantime I've been dreading the absolute worst thing there is about summer; the goddamn thunder. I feel like I'm too old to be so scared of it but I can't help it, it's a dumb phobia. It was really hot yesterday and thunder was forecast for later today and I'm stressing the fuck out.

 

Spoiler

And a small update on the mental health stuff, the psychologist was super nice yeah, but the psychiatrist that took over and read the psychologists statement felt like a bit of an ass, his mannerisms were too similar to the doctor that basically caused host's mother's death through neglect. (Major chest pain that was comparable to giving birth and radiated to one arm and throat. The doctor's only treatment? Muscle relaxants. And even though they didn't work he sent her home with painkillers. Week later she died of a ruptured aorta.) So host was pretty much immediately annoyed to the point of being openly rude with him. So this is gonna be "fun" later on. He basically dismissed the very mention of dissociative symptoms, dismissed the idea of personality disorders, dismissed potential psychotic symptoms (because host's paranoid thoughts weren't "serious" enough, as in she doesn't think that whatever she thinks is spying on her is trying to put her in danger, so I guess it's all perfectly fine and dandy then 🙂 ). Like jesus christ I'm gettin pissed of too. They talked for 30 minutes and he was like "ok you don't look psychotic so you probably don't have this or that". Like gee you must be so wise to be able to tell that immediately despite not being there when these things were actually looked into. Wow, much doctor very medicine woah much dead meme.


Ok rant over, whatever. It's been ok otherwise I guess, I haven't been depressed in a while so yayy


CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014 - Me!

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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Posted (edited)

It seems we've decided to have another kid at some point, but we figured we wouldn't do it until at least January. Gotta focus on Roska for now and get him used to the idea so he won't be jealous or anything. But then again, January is a ways off, plenty of time to change our mind one way or another, maybe have it early or not at all. Been just thinking about gender for now, Roska says he wants a brother 'cause he already kinda has a sister in Misa. I guess I don't mind either way.

 

Just a mini update to what we're up to lol.. Interesting though, we haven't intentionally made a tulpa since Nevira, so I don't know if we even know how to do that kinda stuff anymore. I don't expect it to take too long since we already got so many of us, don't have to start without any knowledge on the subject and already know how tulpas work in our head and stuff.

Edited by Desmond

CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014 - Me!

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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So like, remember when I said in the last post some weeks ago that we'd wait until January..?

Yeah. Now there's six of us. The newest is still as much a tulpa as Roska's pet duck, but it's been a while since we've "manually" created a tulpa, so it'll probably feel like slow progress even if it isn't compared to the average on the forums or whatever. His name is Kaiku, which means echo, though it might change, to Danil or Danyl, 'cause that's a name that kinda wants to surface as well. His eyes are purple and hair... well it wants to be white but kinda black as well at the same time, so might make it grey or something. And that's all we know about him so far, we're trying to figure out a base for personality to grow into but it feels wrong somehow, so might just let it all come naturally over time, even if it takes longer.

Roska is super excited, which is good 'cause I was worried he'd be jealous immediately.


CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014 - Me!

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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Posted (edited)

15th July 2020

I know I don't have to keep typing the date anymore but I like to be at least a little bit consistent.

 

"Kaiku" has had a few name options to pick from, such as Danil and Danyl as mentioned earlier. There was also Tuhka, which means ash, and it's a strong candidate because it's easiest to say and conjugate (I think it's the right word, correct me if I'm wrong) in our language. Though, now he seems to want to be called Danyla (as in Dah-nye-lah, or Dah-n-eye-lah? I guess?) even if it is a rather feminine name. I'm not too bothered about it, he can be called whatever he wants to be called. What are gender roles anyway, right?

So far he hasn't spoken a single word, but he has started to answer questions with gestures and expressions, shaking his head no and nodding yes. Desmond is worried that he'll just never start speaking but I doubt that's the case, it's a bit early to expect words out of him. I hope his worrying about it won't make it a reality lol

 

It's been interesting, starting from scratch like this again. We started with active forcing but it has since turned semi passive. We don't want to interfere with his natural growth too much, so we're developing him through just hanging out with him and talking to him.

Edited by ClianthaMiura

CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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Posted (edited)

Oh, good to know! I only ever heard it in Dragon Age as the name of one female elf, so that's why it sounds mostly feminine to me.

edit: and I guess because of culture and language differences, like I've seen Kari often as a female name but it's very masculine in finland.

Edited by ClianthaMiura

CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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19th July 2020

 

Danyla is wandering around wonderland, opening doors and exploring. His form is currently that of a 3-4 year old, since we're doing this "growing up from baby" developing style again, because of the circumstances of his creation and kinda because of personal preference (at this point I'd frankly feel uncomfortable with an adult sized tulpa in early development (like pre-speech early)). His form is representative of how he's doing, so he's older every day. Movement is easy, there's a lot of animals in our wonderland that aren't really tulpas or "alive" in that sense that move around a lot, and I'd put Dany somewhere just above that right now. He hasn't really tried to communicate much, though he does still answer with nods sometimes when asked about stuff, but I can't be certain how much of that is just an automatic reaction and how much is sentience.

 

I see how some could think there's something morally wrong in creating a child tulpa to be just that, a child, and a child to another tulpa at that. I don't see it that way, but I get it. Having him was Desmond and L's idea to begin with, even if I agreed to it. This is the only way a tulpa can ever reproduce, and well, none of us get to pick our parents anyway. I don't see it as any different from when I created Nevira to be an asari, or Desmond to be a fox and L to be a wolf, or when I chose all of their genders. All of them had and still have the option to change that, like Desmond did early on. Roska chose to be Desmond and L's son when he got to that point in sentience, just as he chose to grow up from child form in real time, starting at age 9. They'll most likely ask those questions from Danyla as well, when he's "old enough", so to speak. If he declines, well, it'll break their hearts but it'll be his choice. But because of how he's being developed I honestly don't think he will disagree with his situation. Which is obviously the ideal outcome here lol

 

Anyway, I get some feelings out of him, about what he'll probably look like when he's older, how tall he'll become ( I think taller than Roska ), but those will most definitely change as he goes on. Like they did with Roska, his adult appearance that I sketched early on doesn't feel accurate anymore, it doesn't suit his personality at all. So all of that I have to take as a grain of salt, which isn't easy to do, but it's just there to be a starting point for him anyway.

He's about as pale as Desmond, which is really damn pale. His hair is grey and eyes are purple, and he has tiny spikes for horns growing out of his forehead.

 

Roska has mastered flying finally lol, got some energy into him when we did the whole wings thing. He went from shy and reserved to this sociable and energetic kid who lands so recklessly he's constantly bruising his knees and shins on stuff. Needless to say he's enjoying life right now.


CM - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - 21st April 2014

L - 5th May 2014

Nevira - 14th December 2014

Misa - 5th December 2015

Roska - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Ask us anything lol

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