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I've been looking more into imposition and have begun practicing it with Desmond and a little with the rest of them as well. Mostly I've been focusing on getting a more detailed view of him while visualizing and trying to "see" him out the corner of my eye when he's around, to see anything at all really. It's kinda frustrating 'cause I'm so impatient, I know this will take time but it annoys me that I can't just take a shortcut somehow. I've been reading the guides but I have no idea if I'm doing things correctly.

 

Been working on his voice a lot too. The results so far are that his voice is a lot clearer in my head. Been trying to "push" it out so that it would sound like it was coming from outside, trying to hear it with one ear as if he was standing next to me, but I can't change the direction of the sound yet, it's all just mindvoice that comes from no specific place.

 

I probably won't be touching him a lot, so that's not a very high priority, but it's something I'd like to work on at some point anyway. He might feel like touching me for some reason and I'd like to feel it. Tasting is completely off the table, and I pretty much have smell down already.

 

It's kinda funny now that his presence is really strong again, to have him close to me and knowing exactly where he's at, but not seeing a goddamn thing.

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

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(edited)

Roska tried to front one day, he wanted to train my dog and I’d bought treats for the occasion. He didn’t manage to get that far lol. It was actually really surprising how difficult it was to get someone other than Desmond to switch in. When he finally got there all he could do was sit and feel the body out some, try to talk out loud and get used to how the surroundings felt like. When he tried to do something with the dog he slipped out of the front and it was just me again. It’s a start, I suppose, we’re gonna need to try again some day.

 

Danyla is really interested in my tarot deck and all things witchy. They were already into crystals and gemstones before and their room is filled with plants, but now that I’m back on track with Wicca and witchcraft they’ve really been showing interest in what I’m doing. We haven’t figured out what their worldview actually is yet, so I’ll be talking to them about Wicca and we’re gonna see if things line up. Even if they don’t, I might still get a friend to share witchy stuff with, regardless of religion. 

 

I actually find it kinda interesting how I’m supposedly the most religious person in this head, and I’m not all that zealous. Desmond is a skeptic, but he’s respectful about it. L shares some of my views but is very passive when it comes to actually believing anything. Like he doesn’t want to say he believes, but won’t deny anything either. Misa seems rather atheistic, surprisingly enough. Then again, she’s basically a tree. Roska doesn’t know yet. Nevira doesn’t want a label but says she does believe in a divine power.

 

As for imposition progress... there is no progress ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Edited by CM

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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  • 5 weeks later...

I made a thread recently where I asked for advice on how to help Desmond feel more secure and comfortable with his gender and masculinity (this thread), but as we opened up that subject more he had to finally admit to himself that he's suffering from a form of internalized homophobia, and that it's the most likely root of his insecurities. It was really hard for him to admit it, and coming to terms with the fact was a bit tough. He was extremely upset and shaken up about it, crying and afraid of what it all meant. However after a nap and some distractions to take his mind elsewhere for a while he was able to look at it with a clear mind and come to terms with it. It's something he's very eager to work on, he wants to be rid of these feelings as quickly as possible, though he knows it won't happen in a day or two, especially since he's struggled with his insecurities for a long time now.

 

In his case the internalized homophobia is mostly, if not entirely, focused on himself, rather than towards other LGBT+ people. He's unable to do things he'd like out of fear of coming across as feminine or "an f-slur", as he put it in the thread. He's uncomfortable with the idea of "looking gay" at all and avoids things that in his mind would do that, even if it's something he enjoys or wants to do. He's afraid he's not masculine or manly enough to be seen as male. He has difficulties accepting that L loves him as a man as much as he'd love him if he were a woman. Sometimes he thinks life would be better as a straight person. He thinks less of himself for being gay. He's worried that Roska and Danyla will grow to resent the fact that they have two dads, however unlikely it may be. He fears being rejected for his sexuality, and that other people look at his and L's relationship and think "gross"...

Things like that all piling up into one big tangled mess.

 

We've already begun working through these things. Desmond's trying to be more critical of his negative thoughts and examine them thoroughly to hopefully one day untangle them entirely. The fact he was finally able to admit the problem has already helped, now that he knows where these thoughts are coming from he's more willing and able to fight them. He's pushing himself to paint his nails black again and to wear the pink sweater he wanted to wear. We looked into some natural looking make up things so that he can do something with his eyebrows. They're white, but he used to make them look darker grey so that they'd actually stand out from his face. He also used to wear some eyeliner but he doesn't know yet if he wants to pick that up again. Even him letting me write all this down for the world to see is a way for him to try and become used to the idea.

 

This is something that will probably be our main focus for a while. It's a shame he can't have therapy to help with this, someone who knows how to ask the right questions could be beneficial.

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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(edited)

A short update this time.

We realized that Misa is hardly a tulpa anymore. She's always been a bit strange, the way she only ever spends time with us in short bursts that are days, if not weeks apart. It's been weeks now, and she doesn't show up anymore when she's mentioned, she has to be thought of specifically, kinda puppeted to appear. She's become very passive, holding a conversation with her is impossible, she doesn't form coherent thoughts. It feels like tulpa brain death.

 

I'm already used to the idea of her not being a tulpa, it feels like it's been a long time coming, but L is extremely upset about it. Which is totally understandable, she is in a way his adopted daughter, the first young tulpa to appear in our system. So I'm sad more for him than I am for her.

 

We don't know if we want to try to revive her. We would have to work hard to change some core elements of her personality to make her sustainable. Is that even ethical? It feels wrong somehow, like brainwashing. It might be worth it in the end, though. Even if she'll be totally different from what she was before. I'll let you know in a later update if we start with that project, until then she's on life support, kinda hanging in there but not really "alive".

 

We have so much to focus on right now it's kinda overwhelming. I'm moving in less than a week and my apartment's still a mess. My financial situation is off because of my dog's vet bill. Desmond has to focus on getting better about his insecurities and other issues in his head. And now this. Everything happens at once.

EDIT: Nevermind a later update, I think we're gonna start reviving her.

Edited by CM

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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BearBaeBeau

Yes, Darlene was getting that way and SheShe's lock-merge completely revived her by proxy. I here more from her specifically as an expression of SheShe than she did when she was a main three. It's very cool to say, spend time with Gwen and know that I'm actually technically with half my system for no cost.

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Misa is already doing a lot better. She's back to being active and responsive, but she's feeling a little lost. This experience really rattled her and she's not used to negative emotions, and while her personality seems a lot more balanced now (as opposed to being overly cheerful 247) it's something she still has to adjust to. Her personality overall is a bit of a mystery to us at the moment, it's hard to make out what exactly it's like. She's still giggly when she gets excited or happy, but it's not as common anymore. She's a lot calmer than before, more rational, and I think she doesn't like that much, or she's just not used to it yet. She said she doesn't like the snow, but other than that we have no clue what she's into and what not.

 

The plan right now is to just spend a lot more time with her. Instead of her retreating to the depths of wonderland all the time, we've made a space for her in our main wonderland house. She has a hammock in one corner near the ceiling where she goes at night, and her favorite tree was moved to the backyard from the forest so that she doesn't have an excuse to not be close by at all times. It's a bit new to her, but she hasn't complained.

For some reason it's been hard getting Misa and Roska and Danyla to interact with each other. They can be in the same space but just kinda ignore each other. Roska and Dany are fine together, but things get quiet when Misa is around. She's fine with everyone else, but I guess the kids are still new and they never really did interact much before so maybe it's just awkward. Something to work on as well.

 

In other news, Misa's hair is no longer a tangled mess, it's curly now. She made that change before becoming vocal again, and it looks pretty good on her. Other than that her form hasn't changed.

CM - She/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

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