CM's Ramblings

[CM]

November 21th 2016 - Day 946

 

So we only ended up possessing for some hours, hard to tell the exact time as Desmond fell asleep somewhere in the morning hours and woke up for the first time about 1 pm. He stayed awake for some time and then went back to sleep to wake up two hours later. Then it took him more or less an hour to get out of bed, the lazy bastard that he is. Around 5 pm we stopped because he got bored and didn't feel like doing anything I suggested (which was mostly playing video games or going shopping and things like that). I think the next time we're going to try this I should be somewhere out of my hometown, somewhere that actually has something to do and different kinds of stores to visit. My life is pretty boring as it is :'D Can't really blame him. He did grow to almost like my new kitten that I got just a few days ago. Desmond's not a friend of animals at all, in fact he's more or less scared of almost every animal out there in one way or the other. But the kitten is an angel and doesn't even try to play with people's hands, and if you pick him up he just lays there and purrs. So he's not scared of it anymore. He still dislikes my dog that I've had for a year now though :D

 

In the evening I was walking the dog and asked him to walk beside me so that I could work on imposition again. He complained about the weather and that he had to come out to walk in it, and I asked if he wanted to be imposed or not. To which he replied that it hardly makes any difference for him so he doesn't really have an opinion on the matter.

 

Sometimes I feel that if Desmond was an actual separate physical person, I wouldn't enjoy his company as much as I do now :D Even L once laughed at the fact that he found it difficult to describe Desmond with positive adjectives. He's lazy, and he complains a lot. Sometimes just for the sake of complaining, but most of the times it's not serious and he's not actually in a bad mood. He just enjoys whining xD When he's embarrassed, he sulks, when he's nervous, he sulks. He's a whiny sulky bitch (bitch suggested by Nevira). But I love him just the way he is ♥ Of course he does have a better side, too, but most of the time it's overshadowed by all the lovely negatives I just mentioned :'D Still though, he's amazing. And despite all that he's not mean or anything. Doesn't really want to cause harm to anyone.

[CM]

22th November 2016 - Day 947

 

Lately Desmond's been worrying about what other people think about his and L's relationship. He's aware that there are hosts who are in a relationship with their tulpa, and I've tried assuring him that it's not much, if at all, different. The reasons for his worrying include being two tulpas from the "same head", and being both men. He's perfectly fine with his own homosexuality, but he's really concerned about the fact that someone else could dislike him for it. Being from the same host has him wondering if someone could consider their relationship incestuous (I probably misspelled), since they share a creator. I've been telling him that if host-tulpa relations work like that it would also probably make tulpa-host relationships incest. In a way. I don't consider my tulpas to be in any way related to each other, and they don't either. But with his recent anxiety and depression related issues it's not that simple.

 

I hope this passes and he feels better soon, it's kinda hard for me to feel ok when one of my tulpas doesn't.

[tulpa001]

There are a lot of people out there who believe some very--Bizarre things, if you think about it. Their opinions don't matter. No one in this community is going to see your relationship differently from a host-tulpa relationship. Cliantha is correct.

 

If you want to talk about it with someone who is not straight, you can PM me. Not my host, though, she doesn't watch her inbox.

[Vos]

If none of you consider yourselves to be related, then that's that. This is a bit of a deadbeat response, but if your tulpas are content with the state of their relationship, regardless of orientation, things should be alright - you don't need the approval of others to be happy together, I'm sure.

[Desmond]

Thanks, both of you. I know it shouldn't matter, but I just find it really hard to not care. I guess it's stupid, but I want to be liked by other people. There's really no way to say that without sounding like a selfish prick, huh... In the very least I don't want to be disliked. I didn't always care, L still doesn't, and I'd very much like to go back to that but I don't know how.

[Vampire]

I barely know you and already like you just based on how open and honest you are about it.

If you feel judged maybe it's time to make some new friends.

[Desmond]

I'm not sure if you mean getting new friends in general, or you're implying that my current friends might make me feel judged. In any case, it's definitely not the latter, since the other half of them are the type of people who have very open minds and are super kind and permissive. I don't know if that's the word but that's what I'm gonna go with. The other half is a host and their tulpa who is in a similar relationship, so I trust them to not think any less of mine. My host is quite certain it's just one of those irrational fears that people get sometimes, she's had similar ones in the past when she was having a really hard time, so I believe her. At one point I was super scared of being abandoned out of the blue, and not by my host but by everyone else. It might just be the aftermath of that but I'm no expert. No matter what it is, it's still annoying as hell.

[tulpa001]

Wanting other people to like her is the reason for my host's social anxiety. She regards it as an irrational fear. She insists on being non-conformant anyway.

[CM]

Desmond: Oh, fuck, I don't want that.

 

I actually have social anxiety as well. At the moment it's pretty tame for me, thank gods. Just waiting for the next downhill now.

[CM]

I realized that Misa hasn't really said anything on here, and the rest of them haven't been very talkative either, aside from Desmond speaking every now and then.

 

L seems to only ever drink clear liquors, and the only thing I’ve seen him eat are his strange jelly-bean like candy. His whole body is covered in cut-like scars, and the hidden half of his face looks like it’s been burned, and he has no eye there. The scars aren’t causing him pain, but the skin on some of them is slightly more sensitive.

 

Desmond spends his time outside of wonderland, or lazing around in his and L's bed, sometimes on the couch. He's probably the laziest person I know, but it sort of adds to his charm. He's mostly rather um... static, but he gets random energy spikes every now and that's when he might do stuff such as moonwalking, as I wrote earlier, climbing through the ceiling, or even bellydancing (this was once, though mostly as a joke). He's good at moving his body and very flexible, but despite that he still walks into doorframes and trees sometimes, and falls out of the bed. He flirts with half the male tulpas we know in the Finnish community (the number is not as great as it may sound) and has established a sort of a "fanclub", though not a serious one at all.

Edited October 17, 2020 by CM