Jump to content

CM's Ramblings


Recommended Posts

(edited)

19th July 2017 - Day 1186

 

Desmond and L had their first wedding anniversary 13th of July, which was almost a week ago. They spent nearly the entire day on "Do not disturb" but spent some time together with the rest of us. And because the exact date on which they got together in the first place is not known, but somewhere during summer anyway, they've decided to just use the 13th as an anniversary date for that, too. So it's 3 years together and one year married.

 

I posted pics of my attempts to create Desmond and L's looks in Black Desert Online's character creation earlier. I somehow ended up quickly painting on top of them a little bit to get them to look more like them.

 

desunaamaBDO.thumb.jpg.031fb6f27e12fbab8115d4083a6d6faa.jpg LnaamaBDO.thumb.jpg.6206d7e99b7e97af16911416d60c285d.jpg

 

Just a really quick and lazy edit but they look better so :'D

Edited by CM

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
  • Replies 209
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

25th September 2017 - Day 1254

 

I'm still really bad at keeping a progress report.

 

Desmond's been doing really bad again lately. More problems with anxiety and depression. He feels that he's a bad person and that he can't do anything right. Most of the time he's too upset to talk to a lot of people and just becomes this antisocial ball of angst. L's been doing great calming him down, though, so he's managing. He cries and sleeps a lot and it's upsetting to see him like that because I just want him to be better and back to himself. I hope it will pass soon, he was doing so great for a while and finally able to be himself and now it's back to this. It's also sad because I see myself in what he's going through because I've been there; sleeping, crying, exclusion, suicidal thoughts... It's all the same but yet I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. We're making sure he knows we love him and talk about things when he's feeling well enough to have conversations with but that's all we can do so far. He doesn't want to front most of the time so I can't let him use the body to distract himself from his thoughts with video games or something. L keeps him grounded when he can with hugs and cuddles.

 

So that's pretty much all there is to update. Nothing new, really, just to make a note that it's downhill again.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Claude

Yikes.

 

I'll say this: I've been there, it isn't fun. I think what makes it.. hard is that even when you have people there, telling you you're great, telling you they love you- it's hard to believe. Because you don't see them telling you they love you because of positive one, two, and three- you see them deluding themselves into loving you because you are clearly garbage and why would they like garbage?

 

The only thing I can say regarding it is, keep telling him you love him. Because, you know what? Eventually, there'll be this.. click. A thought of, "I can do this." And he'll pull through. Or maybe he'll actually have a longer thought process to it, but that's how it was for me.

 

And Desmond, buddy- hang in there. You're an awesome guy, and hell, you'd been here what, three years now? That is a long time you've beat this. You're gonna beat it again, and again. And not only are you going to, you're not alone in doing it either- you've got your system and friends, and you're gonna kick those negative thoughts' asses and everything will be fine.

 

See you soon, and good luck.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

Desmond: "Ugh, you guys are always so nice..."

 

8th October 2017

 

So, good news is Desmond is doing better. It was a relatively short angsty period for him, which is good, obviously. But the bad news is that it's apparently my turn to be angsty and miserable now. We seem to be taking turns.

I've had to seriously consider sick leave and/or starting medication to deal with depression because when it hits it hits hard enough to make me think about how useless it is to even try to keep living when everything just feels like shit. I can't get schoolwork done, half the time I can't even show up because of anxiety and I've just lost all motivation and interest to do anything. So it doesn't make much sense for me to go to school right now because I'm not getting anything done and really should just get my head right first.

 

Also I was wondering if I have maladaptive daydreaming because I often zone out of the real world around me and start creating scenarios and stories around them and getting emotionally invested in them until I snap out of it only to realize I've wasted at least half an hour doing nothing. It's not voluntary, just happens when I'm walking around or doing a simple task like cooking or washing dishes. Sometimes I even speak out loud. It's annoying.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...

23rd October 2017

 

I've been on antidepressants for a week now, the side effects so far have been mainly weakness and dizzyness which I can deal with fairly well. However last night I was imagining different scenarios in my head like I sometimes do, and suddenly felt like I didn't know if it was real or not. I didn't know who I was thinking about and for a second I didn't know who I was or where I was. And I got so confused and scared and started thinking if I'd imagined the whole day. The feeling of uncertainty didn't go away for a while and I was scared to fall asleep. I wanted to go to wonderland but I was scared it would somehow make it worse to be around my tulpas and my own thoughts and imagination so I didn't. I can't remember if it passed before I fell asleep but I felt normal the next morning.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

Overall yeah, aside from the reasons for needing antidepressants in the first place. And the side effects from them, which so far include slight nausea, dizziness, weakness and occasionally shaking... I'm just taking it easy for a while now and hoping I can bounce back after Christmas break. Trying to do light stress-free studying so that I won't fall behind that much in the meanwhile.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 6 months later...

9th May 2018

 

Oops we've been kinda dead again. I don't really know where to even begin with what's been going on lately, so I'll probably just talk about stuff in a completely random order.

 

First thing that comes to mind is that Desmond cut off his ponytail and the tufts near his ears, after whining about wanting to change his hairstyle for what feels like half a year. I think the adjustment was harder on me than him, I loved that damn ponytail. Now his hair is kinda shorter at the back and longer at the front and swept to one side.

And Desmond and L turned 4 not long ago, or 22 and 30 in their "other" ages. Desmond on 21st of April and L 5th of May.

 

I quit antidepressants. They made me gain way too much weight and I just got too disgusted with myself to keep taking them.

 

Then I quit school and gave up on trying to do art for a living. Now I'm kinda just taking a year off and maybe I'll go study something that's got to do with animals because they're such a huge part of my life already. And I'd rather work with something than on something, I think. I want to work with animals and not on drawings of them :D And animals are better company than humans anyway, most of the time.

 

And then on the subject of animals, I got my dog Iro a girlfriend in January and the day after tomorrow I'll bring home the product of that ordeal. They had four lovely puppies and one was left for me as payment for the breeding. Her name is Ruka and I'm super excited :D

 

That's about it, it's been too long to remember everything but that's the important stuff I guess.

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

14th July 2018 - Day 1546

 

L and Desmond had their second wedding anniversary yesterday. We'd been on this island cottage my grandparents have about 7km off the shore and were just coming back from there that day, and it was way too hot and there was barely any wind to make the weather bearable so we were all too tired from the heat to actually do anything special for it. Sometimes it kinda sucks to have four distinct seasons because I never get used to any of them until they're almost over lol, I'm freezing my ass off until February and when I get used to the cold it starts to get warmer, and when I'm finally okay with +20 Celcius outside it starts to cool down. I know it probably doesn't seem too hot for someone living further south but Jesus. Wish it was always spring.

 

I don't really have anything new to write, it's been almost boringly normal. Desmond is still lazy and whiny, Nevira still has the same daily routine she's had for years, it seems, and so on. No notable conversations that really stuck to my mind or anything, we just kinda are. I guess they're kinda reflecting how slow and repetitive my life has become since dropping out of school. Doesn't seem like a crazy idea.

I should really try to involve them more, like take them out shopping with me when I go, or have Desmond possess me when I get groceries like I used to do at some point. I never let him drive a car before, but now that I don't have a car anymore, maybe I could let him ride a bike? Or not, I don't have a helmet. Talk about trust lol

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

30th September 2018

 

I always have to google August, September, and October, even though I know what they are in my native language. I'm never sure that I didn't mix them up somehow.

 

Anyway, it's been a bit of a passive period lately, static tulpas and boring life, but we've been getting more active again, lately. I feel like this happens every summer at some point.

I've gotten some imposition down with Desmond's voice. We're trying to make me hear his voice instead of my own when he's fronting, but I somehow doubt we'll ever get there. It sounds slightly different now, but I can't always tell if it's just that his voice physically comes out different enough for me to notice or if it's an imposition thing. But we'll keep working on that nevertheless.

 

L changes so slowly over time that I never really realize that it's happening until later when I look back. He's started to occasionally grow a stubble alongside his usual beard, which is just a sort of a... chin beard? Goatee? I have no clue, but I guess it doesn't really matter. Maybe someday he feels like actually trying out a proper whole face beard. Desmond remains hopeful.

 

I've been wanting to draw/paint(/whatever it is that I actually do when I make art digitally) some sort of an albino aesthetic art of Desmond because he's so damn white, but my puppy ate the tablet's pen so I can't draw anything right now. Frustrating.

EDIT: Okay, it's even worse. The pen I need is out of stock, I can't even order it. Local stores, online or otherwise, don't carry the one I need. Fuuuuuuuck

CM - They/them - 30th April 1997 - Host of the system

Desmond - He/him - 21st April 2014

L - He/him - 5th May 2014

Nevira - She/her - 14th December 2014

Misa - She/her - 5th December 2015

Roska - He/him - 22nd July 2019

Danyla - They/them - 13th July 2020

Progress report  Art thread  Our lounge thread

Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.

×
×
  • Create New...